WOW She is gone....

Well we have done it ! 

We have launched the baby off to college! Yup! She is gone and I cried ~ 

oh yes,I did and I have had sadness and emptiness and felt lost and confused and still on some days it is darkness that heralds my mornings not the light . Most days now tho my smile meets my eyes and more and more it even meets my heart! God is good to see me through this next phase of life. these next steps of motherhood that shall soon turn into grandma~hood. 

Summer on fast forward

Summer is over! No really Some schools start tomorrow! Crazy how fast it goes when you are busy!! My cousins from Sweden were here for a lot of June then they were gone most of July then back for a few days and now gone again!! things coming up....

•  Josh and Lauren's wedding - that is this weekend- another son married seems unreal!
• We have to get Jen ready for school she goes Aug 24th 
• Jes is getting married Dec 15th -this will be the first time she will be gone for Christmas
• empty nest...

This summer has been so hot the drought is still on we need rain bad.

And my abstinence- rightttt no abstinence

summer time

well Summer has begun - Jen walked the stage took her diploma and school is out for her and me - while she will be going back to school in the fall - I will not! It is kinda sad that the life I knew as a school mom is done - the friends I've made both real and nodding will now be solidified -as in the real friends I will still see the nodding ones well not so much so as Jen walked that last stage of high school years I also walked a stage of life - where everything changes. Am I ready to handle this stage of my life? I think so I am willing and ready to open my ears open my heart to what God has in store for me.

Her party the 3rd of June is also my retirement party 25 years of being a stay at home mom coming to an end.

So many things...........

Well life is rolling along like a fast train... screaming along the tracks of life .

and we are in the middle of making a few super big decisions that some people may not understand - but if it is right - meaning it is of the Lord then HE will make it right for us.

A new ministry = new blessings in our lives and others.

But it will also mean change change change! Which brings it's own challenges!

I must start working out again and I SO do not want to - not sure why just how it is when you get out of the working out habit. hard hard to get moving again - but moving again I must- I also have a food sponsor I need to make this work . Got a life to live and can not do it like this.

ok praying to be moving in HIS will today,

Fly little Bird

Jenni-Jen

My little bird was born sweet and fair as she could be

before I turned around my little bird was three

she flew of to pre-school and left my home made nest

then she was in first grade and passed her first spelling test

my little bird played sports, she cheered and was so very smart

My little bird met Jesus and asked Him in her heart

My little bird graduated valedictorian of her 8th grade class

My little bird went to High school those years went oh so fast

As Graduation day approaches I am afraid I can not lie

This momma bird will cry some tears as I watch my baby fly.

life is fine

Really you know sometimes you get to such a place where life is just fine. It's not great~ it's not bad~ it is just fine. I am not one to usually use such a bland word like FINE... I tend to want and seek the dramatic side of things but today in this moment with the sun shining out my window and the wind softly blowing thru the trees I know in my heart of hearts that FINE is the exact wording I need. And I am ok with that. I have been sharing a lot of my story here lately to people and trying to become more comfortable with it. It is hard sometimes. I also am seeing sensing anyways that God is getting ready or getting me ready to leave this wilderness...it is time to pick up pack up and go forth into His promised land - where I will be able to help others with what I have learned wondering in this dessert. And that scares me because I think WAIT STOP! I've not learned anything not nearly enough ! And it saddens me because I think of the time I have squandered here not doing what I could have been to advance my lessons . Yes today life is fine . And I am ok with that.

If that was a Good Friday what kinda Saturday is this ?

Today is that weird day when all we do is wait...yesterday Good Friday -well we all know that's the day that Christ took the nails for me- for you so be repentant and reflect on the things in our lives that maybe we need to change.
Then there is today.... what was it like for those men and women who witnessed the execution of their Jesus of our Jesus ...they had no way of knowing what was gonna happen on Sunday. For all they knew they might be next and some maybe wished they had died too on that horrible Friday instead of being left here in this room to feel the pain of their broken hearts and broken dreams...what did it all mean these last 3 years with Him our Lord...and how could He be God and die that horrible death on that cross...If He was not the Christ how did He do those miraculous things we saw healing the blind raising the dead?
If He was the Son of God why are we huddled in this room afraid of our own shadows our minds so mired in the ugly sights and sounds of yesterday on that long walk to the cross...and back to the room the ugly little room where you hear the weeping of the women and see the men not looking each other in the eye- each feeling helpless in their pain helpless in the their sorrow. Each wondering even in this time of Sorrow -if I go back home tomorrow will people all laugh at me about my friend whom I said was the Son of God?Will I be hired back on that fishing boat will my parents take me back how about my village...and then it hits again the fresh waves of sorrow that Jesus is gone.
Yes it is Saturday the day after the world turned black in the afternoon the earth opened the Curtain was torn in the Temple and God wept for His Son.

We of course know the rest of the story the grave that couldn't hold Him ~the death that couldn't contain Him ~That He lives on in the Resurrection power of our Holy God.

For tomorrow we shall say :

HE IS RIsen! He is Risen Indeed!

But for today let's call it black Saturday the day they thought they might never get thru - the day they thought might never end- Or that might end too soon. The day they sat paralyzed unsure of what to do where to go So they just waited -not even sure on what they waited for. Just waiting...Black Saturday.

april....

wow I have been slow writing on this blog... not much going on and everything going on! Easter is fast approaching tonight Maundy Thursday we had quiet communion at church it was good to just be quiet and pray - God is speaking in my life and I'm finding it interesting! I do need to spend some time in quiet surrender to really be sure I am in His will about some family junk- I think I am hearing Him loud and clear Trust Him be still and who am I in HIM? that's all I need to remember and know. And Trust that He is God and not me.

yeahh I can do that!! lol

grief and loss...

I have an eating disorder I am a compulsive over eater - I am a compulsive person.. it reflects in a lot of areas in my life hummm just look at my CD's my books shoot my free Kindle books it would take me a year to read all the books i have downloaded for free... Compulsive with a capitol C -

over the years I have been compulsive over my family trying to be the puppeteer keeping them my family members all in line hanging onto them for dear life and maybe even trying to be God... Yeah compulsive collecting and keeping family close it was my job i did it fairly well...because I was living in my own altered reality.

I've been in a year long weight pattern and I am finally willing to look at this 260 pounds and ask myself why am I using this fat for protection... protection from WHAT? The Lord is showing me today (ok He has been chipping at me for the last 3 months or so...) that it is my protection from grief~ from loss...the grief and loss I feel from losing my brother 3 years ago , you know I had the Alters for protection ~replacing God, the Alters did that protected my heart - then integration happened and I "thought" I was leaning on God but no I wasn't food had become my front line of defense it had always been there my 2nd line of protection...ok not like i am throwing cheeseburgers and cake at the bad guys but more like throwing cheeseburgers and cake at the bad feelings. Where was God ..oh He was there in the happy,,,but the food was saving me from the bad feelings the sad feelings the realization that I may have lost him- Rick for good,And that just may be Gods plan for me- of protection for me. For me to go around the Lord in this is dangerous for me.I gotta stop trying to out think God.

How do I grieve the loss/ death of the man who only lives 5 minutes away who has been part of my life since birth and actually is 2 people? He is the man/boy he is who is messed up in his own sexual sin and he is the man/ boy whom I created to be my wonderful big brother. So today I have to accept I have lost him the man/boy he is- I have lost the man / boy I always wanted to pretend he was . when he is still living not dead... just 5 minutes away.

I am like an only child in retrospect because my childhood was lost in altered lives... there was the truth and the pain they held and there was the truth of life. I lived thru and accepted the healing and the pain they endured for me but I do not think I have accepted the truth of what my life was. Sure there were some happy times some fun times but even those days were shadowed by the trauma held by the alters. And there was the pretended joy and friendship with someone who didn't really exist-- he was someone I made up because to see him as he was - was way to hard to take, My altered reality birthed a new person the one I wanted him to be. and at the end of the day - of 40 years he proved to be just who he always was someone lost in his own sexual sin.

I had fully accepted my parents were not who I wanted them to be - but I always wanted to pretend that we~ me and him were allies in that foreign camp of divorce and remarriage.That no matter what we had each other and we were the same. sadly we were not.

Christmas, Easter, my kids party's and weddings I am so sad because he Rick is not here~ but the one I want to be here doesn't exist. I want the fantasy big brother not the flesh and blood one. That's where the sadness lies - The Rick I want doesn't exist. Therefore I have no peace.


So today I am grieving the loss of the brother I always wanted him to be - and have to accept the reality of the brother he is and accept that I can not change him I can not make him repent I can not save him and in accepting this I can save me. I can accept God's healing grace His healing touch His amazing love for Me. My fear of Rick has not been of further abuse really I am an adult I have a husband who loves and protects me and even in this time of family strife which grieves me there has been no peace for me because I could not see my truth, My fear lies in the reality of he- Rick is not who I wanted /needed to be we were never allies we were always enemies he mentioned that once and I blew it off.. no I needed him to be who I needed /wanted him to be . So today I have to bury him grieve for him the man/boy brother who never was. And face the reality of him the man boy brother named Rick,

To truly give him up means I have to truly face the reality of my life. My life as I perceived it . My life as I received it. I have to accept it the good the bad the ugly and move on .I do not have to eat the fear of this reality. it just is. and God is in all of it , His Saving Grace is there for Rick if he chooses it I can't make it happen . And to my childhood fantasy of a brother who was kind and good and funny and safe I say good bye so long farewell. Sometimes Rick was some of those things but mostly he was not.I have to face he is still that abuser from my childhood 42 years ago he has not changed and to face As his own words stated it is not like we were ever best of friends. His words from 2 years ago shocked me because my fantasy brother was my best friend my allie. I have to face he is still that abuser from my childhood my childhood which stopped at 8 and my adulthood which is beginning at 52. I give Thanks to God for making me whole for seeing me thru For being my Savior when I thought I had to do it myself ...for Loving me when no one else did or could.

Dear Lord I ask your forgiveness and your protection. Lord I would pray for Rick that he will seek you and know you and be saved. And Lord I thank you for your revelations to me in this matter and pray that all things in this will be revealed. to me and to my family. Lord that I need not do this but it should come from you . in your holy name I pray-Amen.

life is just a walk UP hill...lol

Should change the name of my blog to walking up hill...coz that's how I feel I've been walking. Uphill on one foot... since I've lost my abstinence that's how I feel...I have this rebellious feeling about being without sugar/ without sweets . My body craves the sugar and when I eat it -Sugar solves no problems it heals no wounds it protects me naught... it sure does make me bigger tho. And darn it all...my body feels the nirvana of the smooth chocolate gold that magic moment when the chocolate turns liquid on my tongue.
And that's where the problem lies...

If I am connecting nirvana with chocolate then it is definitely become an Idol. Definition of nirvana is: extinguishing,liberation so to lean on chocolate for this is wrong ...it is the the state of being free from suffering. REALLY?
Here on Earth we shall never be free of suffering. That's heaven not earth.

Then there is the compulsive eating it is me mainlining food all day eating to fill a need that usually can not even be expressed...no that's not true ...usually it is a need I just HAVEN'T expressed. I haven't explored it. Sometimes with compulsive eating you are so in the food that you really do not even realize you are eating - it is mindless...like it doesn't count,,,but obviously the calories make the pounds that show the world your addiction.

so there ya have it for today ,,,I am walking up hill...on one foot....

too skinny at last...lol

well a funny thing happened the other day... I was asked to be a catalog model for a medical supply catalog at first I was a little insulted because I was thinking they wanted me only coz my white hair - then she send me the details and WHAT? I may not fit the clients profile because i lost weight...ummm say again- yes it is for their Beriatric supplies!!! She thought of me because I was FAT!!! Bahahaha so yeahhh here I am all my glorious self and I may be too skinny!! Who woulda thunk it ...never have I posed fat for pictures!! hahaha you know normally you suck it in I was pushing it all out!! hahaha oh we shall see if I get the job!!

Honesty=Humility

yes it does... and being honest I have to mention my lost abstinence- eating cookies compulsively eating other things like corn bread. I define my abstinence as no compulsive eating and no sugar.

The road was paved with lots of bumps and looking backwards I can see how I was getting off the road and onto the grass - by not being in program materials not making phone calls not getting to meetings now that I can not drive . I could blame my surgery I could blame the holidays but really I can only blame me.

I had choices -- I chose NOT to use my recourse's such as the phone and online meetings my sponsor. NO I decided that I could do this I didn't even consult the Lord before eating nope I just did it myself.

So now it is starting over but it is not like being at the beginning because now I have some knowledge - and knowledge is power - while I am powerless over food I have the power to make good choices to make phone calls to attend meetings either on line on the phone or in person.

I have God - He wants me to succeed.