yeah all in caps... that's how I feel like screaming to the world it's not fair it's not right! I wanna be able to eat the candy and sweets I crave- to be able to eat candy and sweets I want to bathe myself in the sweet smell and texture of the Hershey's chocolate kiss...To be freaking honest I crave that kiss more then any lovers kiss.. The sweet satisfaction that comes in that first bite - the ethereal high that comes in the eating of a bar the numb high that comes from eating a whole bag of kisses...
I am whining I know I am fighting this craving that I don't understand where it has come from - what feelings am I stuffing down that's brought this craving to the top?
Am I sad ? am I happy? am I insecure ? Am I angry? Isn't it just a bit CRAZY that I can not name the feeling yet I can name the cure?
Maybe it is just another burst of acceptance I am feeling and that's what is triggering this crave...acceptance as Valentines creeps slowly closer that this candied holiday for lovers is not going to find it's way to my lips. I
Am I fighting the acceptance that I am an addict -addicted to sugar hard to comprehend? Hard to swallow?
My favorite reading in the Voices of recovery is April23rd...in part it says...I know that God would never hand me anything that would harm me or poison my life.Only the disease does that. Only the disease tells me that poison is a treat.
and that's where I am at today wanting so badly to eat of the poison - someone might say oh Kim that's extreme thinking one or two little Hershey's kisses won't kill you but yes it will because that's the deal it will never be one or two it will end with me losing big time in this life battle of Diabetes and heart disease because it is NEVER EVER just one or two ,it is always ONE BAG OR TWO
Just for today I choose to stay out of the poision.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
weekend retreat
Had a great time this weekend at our Scrapbooking retreat! it was awesome to spend time with good friends doing the fun stuff we love!
I got jen's book almost done for 2008 - my room down here in the basement is all cleaned up so I need to un pack and get the book finished!!
I realized that I am missing those times we used to go away to the trailer and to those tournament weekends where I used to sit and crop pictures! None of my pics were cropped or ready ...SO this year I need to get back to that!! cropping those pics I could also come up with title pages too !
I really utilized the cricut this weekend so thats great too...
ok - on my back issue my pain is going back up today my feet are numbish and I an feel the burn a bit in my butt... not sure if it is cause I partially carried stuff and lifting it in and out of car - I truly didn't do a lot ...this morning tho - last night I could feel it was aggrivated...
I got jen's book almost done for 2008 - my room down here in the basement is all cleaned up so I need to un pack and get the book finished!!
I realized that I am missing those times we used to go away to the trailer and to those tournament weekends where I used to sit and crop pictures! None of my pics were cropped or ready ...SO this year I need to get back to that!! cropping those pics I could also come up with title pages too !
I really utilized the cricut this weekend so thats great too...
ok - on my back issue my pain is going back up today my feet are numbish and I an feel the burn a bit in my butt... not sure if it is cause I partially carried stuff and lifting it in and out of car - I truly didn't do a lot ...this morning tho - last night I could feel it was aggrivated...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
YAY ME
Yup a yay me post my blog I can say what I like right??!! I got my 90 days food sobriety yesterday 1/11/11 and the back nerve pain is virtually gone at least I am not feeling it! The blood sugar thing may be balancing itself back out now so that would rock too!!
I did the 2 mile high calorie burn walking tape today it has been ages since I did that one -and standing up no longer kills me -which is quite helpful in life to be able to stand up!!
I did go see Brian tho he looked over my MRI and he says absolutely no surgery he said my pedicules are shorted then they are supposed to be it is congenital ( the MRI report said this ) he showed me what that is and that surgery cant really help that... it is like that down my back so really the best thing I can do for this is get this weight off,,,,ok thats what I am doing here!! LOL
This weekend is the scrapbooking weekend and last time we went swore those girls off of sugar then i went and bought big bag of chocolate thats not gonna happen this time!!
so i am going to sit and plan my meals and commit them to my sponsor
thats all I got ..and yeah I am still in yay me mode!!! LOL
I did the 2 mile high calorie burn walking tape today it has been ages since I did that one -and standing up no longer kills me -which is quite helpful in life to be able to stand up!!
I did go see Brian tho he looked over my MRI and he says absolutely no surgery he said my pedicules are shorted then they are supposed to be it is congenital ( the MRI report said this ) he showed me what that is and that surgery cant really help that... it is like that down my back so really the best thing I can do for this is get this weight off,,,,ok thats what I am doing here!! LOL
This weekend is the scrapbooking weekend and last time we went swore those girls off of sugar then i went and bought big bag of chocolate thats not gonna happen this time!!
so i am going to sit and plan my meals and commit them to my sponsor
thats all I got ..and yeah I am still in yay me mode!!! LOL
Saturday, January 08, 2011
it's GREAT when they GET IT!
wow it is good to know -to see when your family GET'S IT!
my dad called me to tell me he was giving his old computer to my brother but he wanted me to know he has had the hard drive scrubbed and actually uninstalled XP and had win 7 installed... WOW thats so huge to me- I know my dad loves me no doubt but didn't always think he got what our stand is with Rick in this thing. BUT he gets it . Yay!!! And yes I felt loved and cherished like a daughter.
maybe I should write him and tell him,,,,yes I think I shall.
My mom on the other hand does not get it and probably never will and yes I know she loves me too but sadly she has never gotten it.
I go for and epidural for my back on Monday a little nervous I have told them about the epinephrine thing and to please not use the lidocaine with epi ...we will see how it goes... I am thinking it is gonna be painful!!
Keeping my eyes on Jesus - meanwhile back at the ranch with little pain meds ( I can't take any NASAIDS= my day pro) it is pain as usual only ramped up a bit!!!
I am keeping my food abstinent and that is whats important here!
my dad called me to tell me he was giving his old computer to my brother but he wanted me to know he has had the hard drive scrubbed and actually uninstalled XP and had win 7 installed... WOW thats so huge to me- I know my dad loves me no doubt but didn't always think he got what our stand is with Rick in this thing. BUT he gets it . Yay!!! And yes I felt loved and cherished like a daughter.
maybe I should write him and tell him,,,,yes I think I shall.
My mom on the other hand does not get it and probably never will and yes I know she loves me too but sadly she has never gotten it.
I go for and epidural for my back on Monday a little nervous I have told them about the epinephrine thing and to please not use the lidocaine with epi ...we will see how it goes... I am thinking it is gonna be painful!!
Keeping my eyes on Jesus - meanwhile back at the ranch with little pain meds ( I can't take any NASAIDS= my day pro) it is pain as usual only ramped up a bit!!!
I am keeping my food abstinent and that is whats important here!
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Well well well
yeah .got an MRI done on my back and ta da I got some issues...and whats crazy is the pain is the same as it was a month ago but acceptance of the problem makes it hurt a little more...crazy huh?
I will be calling a spine doc to see about some pain relief and what to do about the herniated discs ...... Some of the junk is just gonna be there,
We have had a really great Christmas season and now it is the new year 2011...wow
life has come a long way. Who knew I would be an old lady of 50 with a kid married another one engaged,,,and so on! Who knew that my damaged heart and crazy emotions would be healed by the Lord and that my addiction would be getting handled one day at a time. God is so good in all He does for us and we so do not deserve it,
Tomorrow is Christmas with the Hinshaws,.... my mom and Aunt Sandy uncle George and my kids, Aunt Sandy is not doing so well in the memory dept. she called me 5 times in 30 min to discuss plans... sighhh sad thing really
and Morgan and I had a talk and while we are celebrating her Birthday (which is Dec 26th ) tomorrow I am having her pick her own day for a 1/2 Birthday celebration and we will celebrate her Birthday then!! She seemed agreeable to it.
ok well thats all I got -
I will be calling a spine doc to see about some pain relief and what to do about the herniated discs ...... Some of the junk is just gonna be there,
We have had a really great Christmas season and now it is the new year 2011...wow
life has come a long way. Who knew I would be an old lady of 50 with a kid married another one engaged,,,and so on! Who knew that my damaged heart and crazy emotions would be healed by the Lord and that my addiction would be getting handled one day at a time. God is so good in all He does for us and we so do not deserve it,
Tomorrow is Christmas with the Hinshaws,.... my mom and Aunt Sandy uncle George and my kids, Aunt Sandy is not doing so well in the memory dept. she called me 5 times in 30 min to discuss plans... sighhh sad thing really
and Morgan and I had a talk and while we are celebrating her Birthday (which is Dec 26th ) tomorrow I am having her pick her own day for a 1/2 Birthday celebration and we will celebrate her Birthday then!! She seemed agreeable to it.
ok well thats all I got -
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