Vulgarity

I am sick of it -Vulgarity. Oh they try and keep it civil keep it funny you know "Little Fockers",,, REALLY?
Seriously why not just say it? Ohh oh people would complain to the FCC...well why are we not complaining about implied vulgarity??
It goes back even to the Herbal Essence shampoo - hello the orgasm in the shower? From washing hair?? I am sure I could come up with a million such examples...

sad sad world we live in Lord Jesus could you come back soon?

can I ever be normal about food?

been thinking which is fairly dangerous...
it has been difficult this season of family and food and cookies and thoughts of family and fudge and me not making any- me not eating any- me not being in my usual sugar high blackout... yeah -it is so different when you have to face feelings and events head on and not have the buffer of the food. To feel that slap of pain in your heart and to NOT have the comfort of food . Christmas is the time of year to be ever so Thankful of Jesus birth our savior born a baby - to celebrate Gods promise to us written so many years before the event that took place in Bethlehem - to see His promise to us and follow it thru the chapters of His Holy word is absolutely amazing.
Now back to the question can I ever be normal when it comes to food? No probably not - in OA they believe that addicts have an allergy to sugar ...and that the allergy is what triggers for us an overwhelming urge to keep eating that which is not good for us. And along with the allergy there is also a mental obsession God can and will relieve that mental obsession but most likely we will always have an allergy-- I can say I have been relieved of the mental obsession as long as I stay out of the sugar and into the word and prayer I am good. But then along with the good comes the thoughts of wow hey maybe theres been a miracle healing and now I can eat the sugar! Of course there hasn't and here's the little clue...when I think of eating the sugary sweet treats of Christmas I am still thinking of the pans full... not the one or two ...I am thinking of the bags of Hershey kisses not just a bite and there in lies the addiction. At church the other night I made that cake and I was so amazed that the "normal" eaters didn't have a piece of cake because they hadn't had their dinner - and that is the difference between an addict and a normal person- it never crosses the addicts mind to have perimeters!
Merry Christmas !

HA ain't life grand?

I'm on my way upstairs in a few to make a cake which by the way i was gonna stop doing...but it is for the purity ceremony tonight at church...figure hey if these girls can pledge to Wait until marriage shoot I can pledge to stay out of the cake batter and the icing and the finished product!

It has been going well ...it being life in food sobriety - I am doing steps 5-7 with my sponsor on Friday -then it is on up the stairs...LOL
been stalled on those steps for a while mostly due to business...not like a job but being busy...LOL

Where is God working on my life...hummm not hard to see He is working EVERYWHERE in my life in just me learning to accept things that happen as things and not major catastrophes...yeahhh ya know it is all just stuff He God is so much bigger then our stuff.. Acceptance of things that in my past would have sent me spinning out of control- mentally emotionally and spiritually now I see them coming and turn my eyes to Him not the stuff coming at me .He is my shade as it says in Isiah - how cool is THAT?

ok well getting ready for Christmas got things to shop for and things to wrap...got things to be Thankful for so got lots to do ...loving my Jesus more and more each day

reality bites,,,

well heres a slice of reality pie-- It is coming up on the holidays and I can not eat . well ok thats a lie I can not eat good food... no thats a lie too --ummm ok how bout this I can not eat all those wonderful sugery gooey yummy Christmas delights...yeah - and how do I feel about that? A little angry a little sad why can't I be like other people and eat what I want? whahaaaa I want to throw a big old fit and get doen on my knees and pray that God will fix this for me so I can ....yeahhh so I can eat sugar ?? no really? oh man how bout I get down on my knees and THANK HIM that I can eat? that I have food in my pantry and money in my wallet and health that allows me to eat. yeah ok getting my perspective back ...eyes off self and back on HIM where they belong--- thank you God that I can eat.

31 days

ok hey wow 31 days of food sobriety how cool is that??
But before I get all excited I know I better proceed with caution or I might fall off . I have not been writing down my food nor taking my blood sugar and that is dangerous - it is not taking care of myself. That is stupid.
And of course gonna be dealing with the holidays and all the issues with my mom about Rick not being here. Ah well once again God has shown me He has my back and That He is my justice. Found out that Rick met with our step brother Dave and told him his story-- interestingly enough he left 2 big parts out of it, Wow - It helps me to know in this holiday time of families and gatherings that Rick has NOT changed and the reasons we no longer allow him to be around us are still valid.

I will take these 30 days and with Gods help I will hit 30 more.

something happend on the way to this blog spot....

ha it has been a long time since I have written life has gotten crazy - Aunt Myra and Uncle Louie have been staying with us and they sleep in the computer room so thats part of it... and well just been busy out of my routines!!

today tho my crazy brain is back I am all unsettled and restless and want to numb out this feeling with food chocolate sugar sweets I can see that it is the transitions Myra and Louie leaving for 10 days and volleyball over for Jen my mom gonna have to have another angiogram and that means me staying all night in her hoarding apt mess...yeahhh and then theres my crazy brain!!

I know God is here in all this mess called my life I know He is soverign over all that happens in this life of mine this life in fact which belongs to Him - I surrendered it to Him so what the heck am I worring about here? Why this crazy brain thing? thats just me trying to control thngs and that is just plain stupid -
So prying my fingers off my life and putting my hands in HIS and following HIS lead.
Thank you Lord Jesus the King of my life and the defender of me - protect me from Crazy brained thinking amen

a tough week

its been a tough week this week been in the disease this brain of mine -- ugggh My thinking wasn't straight but thankfully my eating was! But tonight as I wait on aunt Myras plane to come in and my weekend or next 2 weeks is changed around with house guests...I right this minute want to eat -eat chocolate ...that's my drug of choice of comfort of familiarity -
But instad I am writing this I will go make a phone call and then I will read some from the big book... catch up my bible reading from the Good book..and then I will take a shower . So many things that are so much better then eating.

jes

jes

mommas got some new toys

Went to Roberts got me a new lens and a battery grip well Scott got me the grip for my birthday and a couple other things...LOL

So tomorrow (hopefully) me and Jes are gonna hit downtown and she is gonna be my modle so i can get used to this new grip on the camera!

Our conversation went as such...
Jessica Shepherd love you mama
Kim Midkiff Shepherd hey
Kim Midkiff Shepherd was thinking about you
Jessica Shepherd oh yea
Kim Midkiff Shepherd i got a new camera grip i need practice soooo lets go downtown on a sat or Sun real soon for some urban kinda photo shooting
Jessica Shepherd ooh
Kim Midkiff Shepherd or if it is soon we could shoot maybe 6-7:30
Jessica Shepherd i actually have the entiure day off tomorrow
Jessica Shepherd no school no work
Kim Midkiff Shepherd yeah ohhh wow I am free after 12
Jessica Shepherd i was going to go to the ima
Jessica Shepherd but this is cool too : )
Kim Midkiff Shepherd uhhh yeahhh I was just at Roberts and the cool brick snd the loading docks
Kim Midkiff Shepherd ect
Kim Midkiff Shepherd go to canal
Jessica Shepherd yea!
Jessica Shepherd delaware st has some gorgeous old houses brickwork
Jessica Shepherd wrought iron gates...
Jessica Shepherd ive got places lady
Jessica Shepherd : )
Kim Midkiff Shepherd that would be GREAT! sooo pick out some clothes tonight for that urban look!\
Jessica Shepherd oh photos of me?
Kim Midkiff Shepherd i want hard look and soft look
Kim Midkiff Shepherd well DUHHHHHHHHHH
Jessica Shepherd i thought we were doing scenery
Jessica Shepherd haha!
Jessica Shepherd cool
Kim Midkiff Shepherd I am a people shooter
Kim Midkiff Shepherd LOL

Jessica Shepherd sweet
Jessica Shepherd im pumped
Kim Midkiff Shepherd kinda like a salad shooter only not so green!!!
Jessica Shepherd omg
Jessica Shepherd hahah
Kim Midkiff Shepherd hahaha
Jessica Shepherd alright i have to go to work
Kim Midkiff Shepherd thought you would like that
Jessica Shepherd call me when you are doine at bsf
Kim Midkiff Shepherd ok love love
Jessica Shepherd love you


Jes she makes me laugh!

hummm time

have you ever had diarreha of the mouth and yet be mentally constipated? yeahhh well isn't that a lovely picture? And how can spell check on here have the word constipated yet not the word diarreha?? so if it is mis-spelled now you know why...LOL

Been having time issues as in I got so much yet get so little done-
it must be something God wants me to work on or He would quit bringing it to my attention -
maybe I just need to surrender my time to Him and let Him manage it - me . yeah theres a thought -

this part of me is the Hinshaw part of me that I fight against that paralyzed part that freezes in time ,,, only God is gonna be abler to change me in this area and that HA is gonna take time.

heres one for you

ok does this make sense? I am an addict I love sweets and chocolate I can become obbsessed with the thought of it yet today once again I am making cake and a big brownie for Senior night at lu hi...really? Seriously WHY do I put myself thru this torture?? Is it because I want them to like me? So I would rather have their approval over my own mental health??

gaaaaaa I don't know on the other hand it isn't for me I can not keep it cut it eat it so it and me are safe-- but I think it makes no sense really...no one would ask an alcholic to be the bar tender hey that alchie knows a good drink lets ask her...hey that fat lady makes great cakes and can sure turn out a yummmy brownie lets get her to cook...yeah not like I do ANYTHING they can't do for crying out loud I follow the freaking directions.

ok so I guess for now this may be something I don't do for a while - I am not sure its forever but maybe -- I mean what is most mportant here? cake or me?

crazy brain

oh my goodness...yesterday I had a real case of crazy brain ...
in any addiction I suppose there is crazy brain . Here in the food addiction it is when you are not hungry but all you can think of is going in and eating and it is sweets and your brain says just a taste thats all you want is a taste of something good and sweet and yummy but NO you know the truth -the truth is this crazy brain will eat and eat and eat nothing will satisfy it NOTHING --

lets see can I discribe crazy brain - yeah it is like you want to scratch your eyes out because all you really want is food and you will go to any lengths to get it it is not good enough to just throw food away because having an addiction means you are not beyond taking things out of the trash -it is eating beyond your capacity throwing up and eating more - it is eating to kill - your pain your emptiness your feelings .... crazy brain is when you no longer see CVS or Walgreens as places to get Rx's nope they are candy stores and crazy brain is when all you can think of is that last sweet thing you ate and wonder how you can get more- yeah it is a crazy obsession with food -drugs alcohol anything that you are addictced too

so thats when you use the tools of the program - make a phone call make 3 phone calls tell someone where you are at - they can understand and they can help you thru it - read some of the big book pray -- pray some more -read a daily reading read anything that has to do with recovery - write - journal your feelings try and find out whats eating you -
get out of the house but not to anyplace where food is available -because in the crazy brain mode you can not trust yourself.

I did NOT eat yesterday I did however make phone calls and prayed I called out to God and He answered me in the return phone call of a OA friend -she answered my text -

Crazy brain is real it is addiction it is compulsion it is ugly - it is feelings ...
BUT God has shown me I can survive my feelings and live another day -

surviving feelings isn't about someone making you mad or sad today mostly it is about stuff burried so deep you have no real clue whats wrong - you just get that feeling of anxiousness insecurity sadness anger fear--- and God - thru Jesus Christ is the only place to go to fix that kinda empty - no food nor drug nor drink nor wager can take care of these holes in our soul-

looks like I made it thru!! LOL

ok really I am still taking inventory but it looks like I made it thru this kid getting married stuff yeah it was hectic and yeah it was happy sad joyful and tense but I made it thru!! yay me!~!

then I crashed went on a sugar binge and really gosh compared to my sugar habit before OA this was nothing but it was off program it was me leaning on food instead of God it was outta control eating...sighhhh

I still just don't quite have the whole process down as far as reading literature and calling people and stuff I need to commit my food plan...what does THAT mean really? That I write it down that I measure and weigh stuff that I put it under a Dr's care do I go to court sign papers? Is there a judge involved?...ok ok haha
yeah yeah ...I heard at the meeting this morning this is WORK and they are right it is and like all people I want it easy.. I am tired of the hard stuff- counseling was the hard stuff - healing the hurts was the hard stuff- taking life daily is the hard stuff ...can't it ever be easy? Crap buying a bandy bar isn't even easy anymore!! Which is a good thing I guess.

But for today I can survive my emotions. and that my friends is better then any candy bar in the world.

tears today

the last couple of nights my sleep has been crazed with all the things to do today tho however it is hard to keep the tears away my baby boy is getting married and well I am not ready for this i guess it seems so like he has been forced to grow up thanks to family junk things that happened and now he is getting married I know he loves her I know she loves him it just seems so young.

I dont wanna lose my boy - I know that with him being a twin I was never ever first in his life but as his mom i was at least 2nd now moving on down the list and i know thats how it should be but it makes me sad non-the less..

ok gotta go get the 2nd cake in and get my butt in gear breathing and taking it one houre at a time!~

stress

oh my goodness...been hit with the stress bat.LOL right across my shoulders! it is just aweful!! I need a massage -- hopefully Monday when this is all over--
today I am cooking tomorrow cleaning Friday buying food -
Sat going crazy Sunday ...well yeah Sunday taking it EASY!

Today i have cardiac appointment to do an echo and a stress test
ha coulda just hooked a monitor up to me and let it record all week -

Tomorrow the food mobility test to see how the food is moving...if the food is moving... yeah gonna be a long fun day

lets see on a positive note Geeks in Pink got my hard drive opened and the stuff transferred to the new external hard drive yay!

wow

I can get comfort knowing I can survive my feelings

this was what God gave me as a word as a certainty at yesterdays meeting sounds simple right?
not so much in Kim world - the subject was comfort and how do you find comfort in recovery?
My friendly counselor Dave told me over and over when dealing with emotions feelings trauma life keep in mind Faith Facts then Feelings ...yeah yeah what did he know?? LOL
I always got so overwhelmed by my feelings and that started when I was so small that it was habit to operate out of feelings not fact nor faith and while Dave explained it was a great survival technique as a child it doesn't work so well in the adult world - unless you like the high drama that comes from that.

So today now in the present to KNOW I can survive my feelings is trmendous I don't have to split or hide - I don't have to eat them I can feel them and I will survive- I can survive tension anxiety sadness happiness change I can survive it - and I can do this only with Christ Jesus - my higher power as they say in 12 step groups.

I am doing well in the not over eating thing the compulsive eating thing - I am not running to food ok well maybe I am but I am not eating it!! LOL old habits die hard!

in the next week my son is getting married - Do I think he is old enough? no - but they never asked my opinion - next week I am having a stress test done at the cardiac doc - along with normal yearly echo and dr visit and having a food mobility study done to see how the radioactive oatmeal moves thru my system.,.. it is a lot of stuff in a busy week - but I got Jesus He will see me thru it and He is so much better then chocolate!

9 years ago today

9 years ago today a good friend and teacher at our school went to meet Jesus her Lord and Savior- it is such a blessing to know that someone is saved when they die and since that Ford F150 came outta nowhere and slammed into her car and she was killed it was a comfort to know her very last conversation was with a man whom was homebound and they discussed how you never know when it is your time and you had better be ready. Kristi was a special person a teacher a mom a wife she was a good friend to many and we were not ready to lose her that day.
9 years ... drinking driving .... wow don't do it - people who drink and drive and get caught only think of the devastation to their own lives of court and license suspensions but seriously what of those who have been killed by drunks? Aaron Rodrigus yeah illegal and drunk no insurance no license spent 3 years in jail our hope and Kristi's too I am sure is that he comes to know Jesus before he dies. she at least was ready.
thinking about those days after the accident Sept. 11th it was so hard we were so greif stricken about Krisit it was hard to take in the horror of 9/11 we would see people jumping from the burning buildings and yet our hearts were numb and empty of tears because of the loss of our friend. Our kids at Emmaus would see Krisiti's empty classroom and cry not understanding not wanting to accept yet on deeper level totally knowing she was with Jesus.
I know of one man who came to Christ thru Krisit's death thru watching his own childrens grief yet knowing her heaven status...
God is in the happy times And God is in the sad times....
Remebering Krisits today

IMA...walk.

went to an early meeting today it is one I love to go to but it is at 54th street so kinda far but a perk to that is I am right by the Art Museum..so today I went prepared with water and my ipod and went for my 30 min walk...yay!! It was so pretty!
Maybe it will be cooler to do it next week too!! Coz really it is still kinda hot out there for me!

we are going to the trailer this weekend I am SO looking forward to that the down side of it is I haven't got a new book to read! and the food thing I don't want to be tied to cooking but to eat healthy i guess i will be cooking!

ahh well going to any lengths for recovery!

Ha proud of myself

well there I can do this ...today I ran errands came home was feeling tired and anxious and just in transition and of course my first thought was comfort myself with food but the 2nd thought was NO I am not hungry so I said a few prayers and just calmed myself down ...got in touch with Jesus and felt calmer and didn't eat yay me!

Life is just a walk in the park

yesterday was a tough anxiety filled morning for an emotionally charged afternoon - For some odd reason I build up in my head these scenarios when dealing with my family that builds this horrible anxious feeling so that I almost can not breathe...I mean really Kim what is the worst thing that can happen? Nothing he is powerless over me nothing he can say about me nothing he can do to me - I am a grown up now I am an adult. He can not hurt me.
But that thought only gels later in the process...first I have to get thru the anxiety part!!
So yesterday at about 12 noon I was to the not breathing part when SNAP- it hits me -fear is NOT of the LORD -renounce this fear stuff and hold Jesus hand HE will get me thru this unscathed really seriously I KNOW this but yet when stuff like this comes knocking at my heart I revert back to that 7 year old who fears the night left alone with him.
I am so thankful to my husband who helped me deal with this yesterday we discussed our plan and Scott -who took the matter into his own hands and talked to Rick to let him know things are still as they were one family function does not make it all go away- we are still ready and willing to sit down with him and his wife to discuss what happened - not what happened years ago but in 2008 and 2009 - and until that discussion day happens I am left with praying for him and his family -
that's really all I got for him....

Things going on.........

So much stuff going on I feel like I needa lesson in how to run a family in 25 years...LOL
Because SURLY at the age of 25 ( which none of my children are yet) they will be self sufficient self supporting and wise ...yeahhhh well a mom can dream can't she??

kids that have gotten themselves in high debt Jes and her broken engagement and most importantly her broken heart.
Jenni and her hurting foot and Josh well who knows with Josh we don't see him often apparently we lost custody of him...no one told us!

my brother posting crap in the form of an apology? hummm not really sure and on facebook ...sighhh really??? Seriously Will he ever own up to and answer the real questions? probably not and for that i am sad.

lets see what else ...well thats probably enough Jeremy and Morgan have a wedding coming up quickly 1 month away and they have a big decision to make ... take whats behind door #1 or door #2?
sighhhh as the world turns,,,,

this bites..

well I can not eat...ha wasn't it just a few months ago I was wanting to stop eating?? yeah well whatever is going on with my stomach is still going on... seems like I can't eat solid food...it irritates my stomach so what the heck!

I drank liquids yesterday and Friday after calling the doctor and getting a different medicine and then this morning ate life cereal figured that was soft food ohh man could feel the yuck coming back up my throat and the pain in my gut so for lunch back to glucerna ... and now I am getting ready to go cook big dinner for the boys birthday ...yeah my favorites..meatloaf mashed potatoes green beans cake biscuits ....and hence the title this bites! I don't get to .....

Morgans shower

we had a great time doing Morgans shower! Tho Jes wasn't a part of it - due to her break up it was too hard for her -- My sister Missy came at 1 pm and thought the shower started then nope at 4 but was sooo thankful she got there that early to help us!! HA God is awesome!!
so here are some pictures the rest are on Facebook -

was I truely so stupid....

ok really did I post an announcement that it had been uneventful here?? REALLY well crap what was I thinking????

Eric and Jes have broken up He has decided she doesn't make him happy.... well o-k it wasn't mutual he just decided with no conversation just we are breaking up - so Tuesday & Wednesday was spent in the throes of heart break and tears - for her anger from him when she told him to get his stuff and move ( yeah he thought he would break up but stay there until aug...) anyway they are getting the break up figured out she is still sad but dealing .

Me ...? I don't know I really liked him he seemed like he had stuff together yeah he had some family issues but not anything he couldn't overcome ...except he didn't /doesn't think it is anything to overcome.... just sad for Jes she was so excited about planning a wedding of course now I can understand his reticence at planning....

It's also hard coz here's Jeremy and Morgans shower this Sunday and Jes is supposed to be putting it on with Jen and the last place she wants to be is anywhere near a wedding shower!!!
AHHHH WELL.....

LIFE GOES ON I SUPPOSE-

In August there will be a 50th wedding anniversary for Aunt Sandy and Uncle George... and Rick and Beth of course are invited...
of course they are........ sighhhh so need to talk with Scott we will probably go not sure if Jes will Jeremy and Josh too will have to decide-
uggghhh I am making cakes for this event . Sometimes I just wish he would move away... then this wouldn't be a problem at least for us .

its been non eventful here

which is a good thing...oh well other then Jennis wreck where she totaled her car...ya know everyone says God was her co piolet I say oh heck no God was driving that car!!! LOL She is too young a driver to have done that driving and maintaing it in a spin!!

Lets see what else working with Morgan and Jeremy on the wedding stuff the girls were here last night working on Shower stuff...
Morgans shower is the 1st of Aug so tick tock!

jes made an observation yesterday we went to Panera bread and there was someone I knew then we went to Boardwes and there was 2 different sets of people I knew and she was like you will be known for how many people you know..LOL

So I guess THAT could go on my tomb stone " she knew a lot of people" LOL

went out shooting Chers kids yeaterday ended up with some great shots!







these are just a few~!

3rd of July Fun

well our 2nd year here on the park way...LOL Got brownies in the oven and everything is pretty much ready for people to come and celebrate out indy-pendence ...
Gos is so good to us in this nation of ours people have no clue and then there are these leaders who are trying their best to ruin what we have here. But God is the equalizer in this world and in the end He reigns!!

He Jesus Christ is our Freedom He gives us indy-pendence!

anxious

that seems to be the feeling of the week-- anxiety not sure about what maybe about having to feel the "feelings" my feelings good or bad I am so used to eating my feelings instead of feeling them -

I still haven't done my 4th step yet need to but not today!

Today is our 25th anniversary




we are going to dinner tonight - and maybe a movie - 25 years thats a huge ammount of time!
Wow -

the 4th step

the 4th step is taking a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Well I think I would rather eat snails...I mean REALLY I could do that for someone else lots of people out there that I could make that inventory about them!! HA but about myself? Am I not perfect already?? HA
no this is going to be a hard step to make this fearless inventory of the things that eat me or the things that make me eat...

so on with the step work I guess ... stop the procrastination already Kim and get on with it.

And uhhh no i am NOT listing it on this blog!

Candy Porn

oh my goodness...yesterday afternoon I got Molly and in the car we went to the Walgreen's I was on a quest to buy a gi-normous tootsie roll bar ..yum I wanted it I could taste it the oooey chewy gooey taste of ..what humm it isn't really chocolate...I don't know ...what is the tootsie roll flavoring? anyway I got to the Walgreen's and went inside only to find out NO gi-normous tootsie rolls so I then touched and ogled the Butterfingers the twixt and the milky way bars ...walked up and down the aisle trying to decide ...maybe get me a bag of the mini tootsie rolls nahhh to much work unwrapping them.. but there was a bag of Hershey nuggets yummmm

STOP
seriously what is going on so out of the stor I went and back into the car and onto the phone making a OA phone call - ok I shoulda made the call before leaving the house -- such is the life of addiction.

getting by......

Have ya ever just found when you looked at where you are in life that you are "just " getting by? That's my feeling today as I look at my life - I feel like I have been living in indecision these last 4-5 years ...long time right? yeah well when Jes graduated from School I still had the other 3 kids at home in sports busy - and then as they are aging out of the program (HA!) so to speak - I am just kinda hanging in there --

I still have no real routine ( OK my excuses before was it was too hard with the kids who's routines were always changing...LOL) Now I waste so much time .its just crazy - in those 4-5 years I was going thru the last of the mental healing and the couseling and so the changes were many and I had a hard time just keeping up - but now the main things I need to change eating compulsivly - shouldn't be so hard. It IS but it shouldn't be after all the other stuff thats changed in me! This should almost be the easy part!

Ok so what am I going to do about it? I am setting up those blasted routines that it seems everyone else in the workd has but me - and Work them - like they say in OA it works if you work it!

Routines - uggg they feel like straight jackets but I know they are not- after 25 years of being a wife maybe it will be good to have a laundry day!
yeahhhh we will see.

yay me

wow last night I was majorly stressed - Jes and Eric had some troubles which ended her up on my door step sobbing ( this is now fixed) but by the time she left it was close to dinner time Scott was still off in Brown County Jen was with Jes...and I had no plan for dinner I was thinking chocolate!! and popcorn ...yummm or chips and chocolate I went so far as to put on my shoes and I stopped myself read some OA stuff prayed and called my friend Peggy we talked and then i made popcorn for supper and didnt go to store for candy yay!!

The Happiest Place on Earth OR Babylon...LOL

Babylon...oh I mean Walt Disney World ...oh my goodness the spending the excess...the crazy stressed out kids and parents...uhh yeah we did have a great time but wow it makes you look at things differently! Or at least I am looking at things differently - you know a few years ago I woulda come home with tons of trinkets this year it was my husband who wanted to shop ! the one thing I picked out at the park was a Christmas ornament that got confiscated at the airport!! it was a snow globe...sighhhh LOL
here is a funny picture of a little girl dressed as a Fairey...she looks like she was captured and is being held against her will!!


There was this thing called bibidy Bobidy Boo where you go to get the princess make over a family at our Resort paid $200.00 tio have the cinderella makeover for thier daughter who by the way is 6 - yikes there were plenty of familys who were doing this it was crazy!!
Anyway it was great to go and learn I have everything I really need right here!
WDW...is not truly the happiest place on earth naaaa it is not!
I will post more pics later for now it is back to the house cleaning!

gotta rethink my thinkin...

God is so so absolutely awesome how He gives you the truth thru others words and from your own experiences with Him it just gives you a solid rock on which to stand!

I wish I had a great use of words to poetically describe whats in my heart and Mind about Him-- I don't darn it!
Today I wanna say Jesus is my Rock Star...LOL He is my everything
and this food thing IS something thru His help I can whip -

While I believe OA is helpful and all and it is worth going to meetings and doing the steps my hope does not lie in OA but it is in Jesus!

ok there sheesh ... it has been a little crazy in my head trying to get this point. all OA stuff talks about is how great program is and it is a great program but there is only hope in Jesus

alrighty now any questions?? ha

chocolate dreams and butterscotch kisses.....

oh my gosh this is crazy to have your brain so programed that at the first sign of stress aggravation pain of the physical or mental or emotional to EAT.
I mean really who and why and how did we get here?
Skinny people obviously do not think like "oh ouch my head/back heart hurts I should go eat!" or "he makes me so mad I should get a chocolate bar" or "what! the bills are so high i should go get candy."
this isn't even like a obvious thought it is automatic !
transitions...are hard for me I am not sure-- like why when we get done eating and people are on the move from one room to another on to the next thing and no matter how full i am it triggers something in my brain to eat - maybe it was the moving around as a kid from Mom's house to Dad's on the weekends never ending up where I wanted to be so now when life around me changes just the slightest it triggers the eating thing. I know it is a comfort thing I am just not sure what it is I need in order to NOT need / want the chocolate...
I guess before things change I need to run the serenity prayer thru my brain... have it tatooed on the inside of my eyelids!!

ok well enough crazy for now!

oh my goodness,...

been looking the last 2 days at wedding venues...wow so expensive!!! but i really think we have found the place...

working on the 3rd step in OA.. giving my food control to the Lord...yeah prying my cold fingers off of it. It is very hard. it is like the last thing the Lord is saying for me to do here in this part of my life ..let it go girl...there as a daily reading that said - trust in God with your food He will not steer you wrong where as this disease will this disease will tell you it is ok to put poison in your body...God not so much He will not tell you it is ok to eat to kill your self.
So why is it easier to listen to this disease then to listen to God?

so now I have a food sponsor someone to be accountable to with my food plan.

lets see what else...getting ready for Disney -yeah - finding the right shoes to walk in and clothes...it was easier when the 4 kids were smaller some how some way!!! LOL

And my nephew writing to me from the DOC in logansport...sighhh I gave his mom and brother the address but have they written him uhhh no - I guess I will get a money order for him for postage and give him his moms address...

ok well thats all for now!

struggling in addiction

struggling in my addiction the addiction of overcoming troubles by eating... it is crazy ---food is fuel it is not peace it is not strength in the emotional part of it --food is substance it gives life but it can not heal or help you emotionally - I KNOW this in my heart in my mind but yet when something causes me pain or indecision or anguish I reach first for food - sometimes it is physical reaching as in I go to the kitchen but mostly firstly it is mentally reaching oh that hurts --- mentally I think of which food is going to make it better -- make me feel calm or soothed or comforted or what food quells my anger . Food is never what tastes good as much as what is it going to do for me.. that is so wrong.

My mom is living in squallier she has not sought help in her anger or her despair over this junk with Rick so once again she is living in a pit - her little bitty apt is full of junk she has stacks of stuff on every flat surface and sliding off onto the floors she has her coffee table so full that even if she wanted a book or paper from the middle of it - it would be frightening to pull it out for fear of a cascade of paper and books - it is a shame really but yet there's nothing I can do . She will not let me help her she will not go seek help on her own .this is not my fault -it is not of my making. So now I guess we wait until the Apt. figures it out and does something .

But for today I will not eat these problems of mine...one day at a time I will work on this .

a prom night

I took pictures for my friends daughter for Prom .. Center Grove - Taylor is hysterical and the camera LOVED her!
it was great!

thinking thoughts...LOL

wow been thinking today ...was cleaning and watching hoarder shows and this lady was a lot like my mom ... my mom is a hoarder and I am not one only because I work at NOT being one,. tho I think at one time I might have been on my way to being one.
anyway as this lady talked and they showed her outside life ( meaning the life she shows to others at her work ect. ) She was very much like my mom - very with it funny outgoing . Helpful to people but then she would go home and there were collections and recycling and junk stacked to the ceilings.
The last time I was at my mom's apt. when she had the carotid surgery I almost fell slipping on magazines that had fallen over the magazines she couldn't throw out because she needed to black out her name and address...then there's the clothes she has collected? for the Philippines..it has been months and months since the disaster that got her collecting for them... and her tables are full underneath and on top there is no clean clear flat surface... there was something rolling in her fridge that was smelling up the apt. it was a murky mess in the bottom drawer ... and in the midst of all that mess she had a card table out with a craft project on it ... sighhh yeah she only lives in about 650 sq feet space and it is FULL... of stuff... a repeat of what she did in AZ wow I just got that this has come on in the last year or so once again because she is not wanting to deal with the stuff between me and Rick- thats when she did this in AZ... ah well It is not something I can change her hoarding habits I have my own disease to deal with.
like the sernity prayer says
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference..
Amen

Picture time with Aunt Beckys dogs...

Zach and Zoey ...they make me laugh!

something happend on the road to recovery

it has been a hard couple of days...lost my abstinence
yeahhh a friend at BSF asked me how it was going and I told her well I killed it on Sunday
buried it on Monday
and was resurrecting it today (Tuesday)
It kinda went along with the John 20 that we had just studied...

I have realised that I need to surrender... not JUST to God ...not JUST to this disease but to all things in my life that I CAN NOT change... ie Surrender to pain in my body...
I do not acknowledge pain ..I walked the mini on a broken foot I climbed up the natural bridge in Ky. Red River Gorge with a broken foot...it wasn't until July ( broke it in April) That I finally acknowledged it HURT
Thats just CRAZY! I have had this back pain Sciatica? For a YEAR--- I am just now going to the Doctor about it. I have been a medicine taking Diabetic for 2-3 years I am just now acknowledged hey I can't eat sugar...duhhh

So I need to surrender to the pain I feel physically & emotionally...Why is this so hard for me to do??

Mondays..

Mondays are like new beginnings - new weeks new thoughts new plans everything seems new on Monday - people start new diets new work out plans new routines new habits to start or habits to break it all starts on Monday- who knew Mondays would become so powerful?

Me now I think the power of a week starts on Sunday- the day we give it all up and go worship the Lord and King Jesus Christ.
Sundays are the day that we make commitments and re dedications to Him the one that matters. Having a good Sunday can make or break your week. If we are not putting HIM first in our week thats when things go wrong.

So in my mind just sayin ....Mondays are nothing without a great worshipful Sunday before it.

Saturday blues...

what a dreary day ...of course saying this I realize I have been down in my basement for the last 4 hours so really the sun could be shining and I wouldn't have a clue!

I took Peggys nephews senior pics yesterday and am going to take a friends kids prom pics tonight ... I am praying the Lord will give me the steady hand and good eye that I need to do this.

I also have figured out I am a little insecure when it comes to this... I see all the flaws in the pics . So none of them look good.

as I am cleaning the scrapbook room I am watching a show called too many babies...it brings back so many memories of the twins as newborns... Ok not as bad as these people with 5 babies...but the not sleeping the emotional ups and downs of life with multiples!!

she says this mom of 5 babies I can't wait until it get's easier...sighhh should I tell her she is fooling herself this 1 st year is the easiest year?? LOL!!!!

wait until she has 5 teenagers... HA!

got it

well today the certificate came showing the copyright of the survivors tears survivors joys... wow -
I think it makes them real...I am not sure ...why..
anyway it is they are and that's that...

Camping was great ...can we call it camping since we were at the trailer?? LOL not sure ..but I really enjoy that group of girls.

I am looking at this scrapbooking room and realizing I must do some cleaning up and out this room becomes a don't know where else to put it out it there room...LOL
and my lovely daughter at this computer doesn't help either!! she is a bit of a slob...

Jen gets her drivers license this week if it all works out time wise - not sure how i am feeling bout that on one hand it will be a relief to not have to spend so much time in the car waiting but on the other hand sheeshh it puts me out of a job and it was nice all the reading I got done in that waiting time!!

ok well thats all I got today

whooo Hooo

I got the poems copyrighted ...
I do not know why that is so important for me..
to me but it is ...
and I am happy. :)

the food poems...

Food as a hammer pounding my soul
Beating me down swallowing me whole
Damage and destruction that swirls thru the night
Shredding my heart too devastated to fight
Letting the food demons take over my life
Giving them reign and a powerful knife
They use it to cut me and feed on my pain
Giving them my power to serve as their grain
Distorting my focus distorting my view
Leading me astray from what is true
Food like a beast with its power and might
Riding me astride like a warrior knight
Using hatred and fear as a shield from the Lord
Then came Jesus blood over me it was poured
And poof they were gone the hammers knives and shields
The demons couldn’t stand up to the power Jesus wields
My soul was saved by His sanctifying grace
I have been saved because He took my place.~~~
© kimshepherd2009
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Food dark – sharp like a knife
Hurting cutting messing up my life
Food that you eat but do not taste
Pounds that hide and bury my waist
Binging on food so no one can see
The pain and anguish of being me
Using the food to kill the pain
Eating food then puking down the drain
Food having a life of its very own making
Food owning me – my soul there for the taking
Focused on the food so the hate I can’t see
The hate that is slowly overtaking me
Hate for them who damaged my heart
Hate for myself who let them take part
Calling to Jesus to see me through this
Praying to Jesus from the dark abyss
Seeking deliverance needing His grace
The hate is gone without a trace
The food is put back in its rightful position
Healing has come from the true physician
I am free of the sins and deadly lies
The Lord has heard and heeded my cries.~~~
© kimshepherd2009
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s the woman in the mirror
What she sees is not too clear
That food has become her choice of drug
No not heroin or wine it’s not beer she hugs
It is chocolate and greasy burgers and fries
That is the way this woman gets high
She stands at the fridge hearing the call
She eats and she eats till she can’t feel at all
The pain of her life is amazingly clear
The cries of her heart that nobody hears
Her answer to the pain is the food in her hands
She doesn’t think anyone else understands
Money no object – the money she spends
Hoping the next fix brings the pain to an end
But at the end of the binge she feels the same pain
That’s when she takes it to the drain
Purging her body purging her soul
Waiting until the next urge takes hold
She doesn’t seek Jesus she doesn’t look to God
This woman of faith don’t you think it is odd?
She talks of His glory, His healing, His Love
But when she is in trouble she doesn’t look above
Oh woman ask Jesus to stand in the gap to pick up your slack
To be your comfort, your joy, your strength that you lack
He will heal your heart- fill your soul
Only Jesus can make you whole.~~~~
© kimshepherd2009

things that are in my brain...

~~~I got up this morning and my left side of my mouth was still swollen and kinda numb from the dental work yesterday ...ahhh little bit scary to think maybe she hit a nerve and this is it LOL it went down... everyone asks how do you like your new teeth ..I think I want to bite people!! LOL just kidding!~~~

~~~yesterday I went ot BSF fellowship and was a bit nervous at the thought of sitting at the table with cookies or brownies ..(ok not the people the food yeah I know~! LOL) anyway God is so good to me Cindy served lemon bars! YIKES! hahaha I HATE lemon bars I am sooo thankful Cindy had lemon bars!~~~~

~~~ we have been redoing the trailer and I need to fill the picture college frames with trailer pics...sighhh it is tedious work..the trailer looks great tho kinda exciting for going down and seeing something new! I'll have pics to post after this weekend! ~~~~~~

~~~ Still doing the OA thing I guess I will always be doing the OA thing -- LOL - went to a retreat last weekend - it was really cool . Course I am a retreat kinda girl - but there was no sweets involved and I got to get a bit more familiar with the OA program and that's helpful.~~~~~

~~~~ Compulsive eating is a disease thats tough to wrap my brain around I have been told my whole life it was something I could control obviously thats not the truth or I woulda by now...being the control freak I can be.. So to see it as a disease makes it a bit more harsh I guess a little daunting to think it is something there is no real cure for that like the cigarettes that I still think about occasionally(after 20 years as a non smoker...) this food thing will also be with me my whole rest of my life sighhhh oh well it is always something I guess... there are ways of fighting this thing and I guess thats what I have to concentrate on doing my step work and using the OA tools....~~~~~

I am not the maid....

I know I am the one who is home and it is my job to clean but REALLY ? is it my job to clean toothpaste off of the cabinet doors or the bedroom window because you choose random places to brush your teeth?? If you spill something on the nice wooden floors and no one see's you...IT IS STILL THERE ...it counts! It stays there until SOMEONE cleans it up couldn't you just stop and do it when it happens???
News flash people dishes cups and banana peels have NO feet therefore you can not expect them to make their own way to the kitchen or the trash cans... not happinin

If you vacuum and don't move the pencils on the floor that oh by the way are YOURS...it means you didn't really vacuum....

Scott and I are contem[plating buying a Kirby vacuum but really I don't want to be the maid I want a maid!!!

goin outta my head....

WOW ..ya know when you are no longer eating in response to anxiety or stress or anger or boredom or the fact that the sky is blue or because the sky is NOT blue ...uggghhhhh it's freakin awful...except for the fact that the Lord is here and with me and in me and I am turning to Him instead of the food which is as it should be ,. But sadly He is not my first choice... sighhh I mean He is but old habits would be the food the chocolate ...And right now I feel like a junkie who is wanting a fix so badly that I swear my teeth hurt...

I am out of TAB for in the morning but theres NO way I can go to the store and get them without succumbing to the candy aisle. So in the morning when I hope it is safer for me I will get them.

And that is the life of an addiction

one day at a time

went to an OA meeting today
some thoughts on that...

1st- they really do say-- my name is...and say it over and over their name and their problem lest you forget -this isn't a social meeting it is for people with problems.

2ndly - people in OA are not all fat people. oh no there are people in that room you would never guess to have problems with food -just like alcoholics and other addictions you can look "good" look "normal" and still have a problem

3rdly- the people in that room are perhaps the kindest non judging people I have ever seen.And it had nothing to do with anything I said or how I was dressed it had only to do with that fact I was in that room we all were for the same purpose to overcome addiction

4thly- to admit you are powerless to stop something feels like defeat but reality it is success because you see John 8:38 "the truth will set you free" is real

hi my name is Kim and I am a compulsive overeater.

loving Jesus

I really Love Him my Lord and Savior -
just wanted to say that...LOL

Oh my gosh I am SO sick of this blasted snow - I want color in my life no let me rephrase this I need Color in my life I need warmth and plenty of Sunshine!
I am procrastinating taking the rugs out to shake them in the cold...brrrrrrr and I am in the middle of cleaning house but ..really it isn't the same without throwing open a window or two!!! Ok as you can tell I am longing for Spring time!

I am picturing the newly green grass and the trees with their buds bursting forth in color and soft green leaves the flowers coming up from the ground the oranges yellows pinks purples the tall grassy grasses blowing in the soft winds of spring - ahhhh birds chirping
the blue skies with wispy white clouds floating above as we sing praises to the Lord who is the Lord of creation and the Lord of us all...

Ash wednesday....

the beginning of the Lenten season -- it is a time of reflection and repentance - a time to ask the Lord to show you what you need to change -- what sin in your life is keeping you from a closer walk with the Lord.

When starting this blog my thought was to be flat out honest in what I write it is hard sometimes because several people read this and that maybe it is safer to hide my REAL emotions and feelings from some of those people -- but if this can not be flat out honest blog then whats the point really..??

So here goes ...in my searching of myself in this Lenten season in the bible study I am in -Beth Moore's - Breaking Free- I am seeing Gods call for me to break free of my addiction - my addiction to food not a big surprise - heck it is all over me- front back hips arms ...but really to break free to be delivered from this addiction - I know it is possible --for all things are possible thru Christ Jesus --I have talked alot about diets about exercise about diet about exercise did I tell you about the latest diet attempt? yeah lots of talk and some action for a few weeks then back into the addiction I go - This has been a long time addiction - at one time in my life food was comfort food was a friend food was protection food was my god...yes my idol ... if I was sad hurt abused happy bored whatever- food was there - Food my friend my god my demon

I have cleared out so much of the junk from the past but I had no idea I couldn't just stop with this food thing - why can't I really? it is so simple according to most - just eat better - excersise more don't buy the wrong foods..yeah if it was only so easy-

I was in denial to think this isn't an addiction- like drinking drugs gambling it the food takes over my life I eat when I am not hungry if there is candy here in my house I can do nothing --think of nothing until it is gone consumed in a flash , hungry or not doesn't really matter - I gotta have it. I can not control it - it controls me - each bite is the last bite until moments later I gotta get another and another until it is GONE.

So how do i get deliverance from this ? I must SURRENDER to HIM -I must turn to Him- This is gonna be hard and I can't do it without Him - I have been delivered from so much I have been healed from so much How can I NOT believe He will heal me of this? Of course He will.

I need to go thru the steps yes there is a 12 step program for over eaters - but this is more then just ""over eating"" it is obsession it is addiction - food has been my god little g - I have placed food in the position of God (big G) it is time to make Jesus my true Master and not chocolate-Surrender to Him-- He has to be my all in all...
So there it is in all it's fat uglyness...I am so tired of being controlled by this addiction -

Snow Snow Snow!!

Snow Snow Snow!!
We had lots of snow - Molly LOVES it!

wonderful weekend

had an awesome weekend scrapbooking!
I love my friends! I have GREAT friends!
And I am sitting here typing listening to Molly do the deep snore- she must have missed me much as she is sleeping down here next to my chair and not up on my comfy bed ! Awww she is so sweet!
I need to do my BSF and my Beth Moore-- yikes got a Girl Scout meeting tonight and a trustee meeting ...

life in the fastlane !

sheeeshhhh

OK wow dealing once again with these adults who want to be cool to teens. what is it with these people??
I refuse to be lenient in these matters we were once before and let stuff go until it built to exploding -- never never again . I will cut them off cut them out -

I mean REALLY offering alcohol to minors... Done - no leniency You are done!

We want to be careful of our examples, because people are following us; and we don't want to lead them into sin by overt acts of sin

Lets try to be exceptional Christan's not marginal ones!

tra lalalala

Family at Christmas see how it is growing! Josh Lauren Jeremy Morgan Eric Jes Jen me and Scott

that's how I feel today it is Thursday on a upcoming scrapbooking weekend! yeah baby!

I really would like to be someplace warm tho so I could get out my new camera and play ...

I haven't used it much it is a little more techie then the other one and I never got that one all the down!

I just don't know where all the time goes! From 8-3 it speeds by! I was thinking today I would get my Beth Moore Bible study caught up since I have to miss this Sat I haven't made it a priority and then do some of my BSF... I have read ahead in the Bible reading series the church is doing and it is already 10:30...sighhh
I am going to go do my walk kick and stretch out my muscles - then start on the closet cleaning up ..just some minor maintnence to keep my hubby happy..I knew it would be touchy sharing a closet with him...haha
I guess get all the house laundry crap done so tomorrow it is just excerisise pack and go...

it is very cold out yet I almost can pretend it is spring there are birdies outside my scrapbooking room window so if I do not look out and see the snow we can maybe pretend it is warm!! HA! of course maybe the birdies are out there saying hey lady let me in it's freezing cold out here!!! ha