God is so so absolutely awesome how He gives you the truth thru others words and from your own experiences with Him it just gives you a solid rock on which to stand!
I wish I had a great use of words to poetically describe whats in my heart and Mind about Him-- I don't darn it!
Today I wanna say Jesus is my Rock Star...LOL He is my everything
and this food thing IS something thru His help I can whip -
While I believe OA is helpful and all and it is worth going to meetings and doing the steps my hope does not lie in OA but it is in Jesus!
ok there sheesh ... it has been a little crazy in my head trying to get this point. all OA stuff talks about is how great program is and it is a great program but there is only hope in Jesus
alrighty now any questions?? ha
Friday, May 21, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
chocolate dreams and butterscotch kisses.....
oh my gosh this is crazy to have your brain so programed that at the first sign of stress aggravation pain of the physical or mental or emotional to EAT.
I mean really who and why and how did we get here?
Skinny people obviously do not think like "oh ouch my head/back heart hurts I should go eat!" or "he makes me so mad I should get a chocolate bar" or "what! the bills are so high i should go get candy."
this isn't even like a obvious thought it is automatic !
transitions...are hard for me I am not sure-- like why when we get done eating and people are on the move from one room to another on to the next thing and no matter how full i am it triggers something in my brain to eat - maybe it was the moving around as a kid from Mom's house to Dad's on the weekends never ending up where I wanted to be so now when life around me changes just the slightest it triggers the eating thing. I know it is a comfort thing I am just not sure what it is I need in order to NOT need / want the chocolate...
I guess before things change I need to run the serenity prayer thru my brain... have it tatooed on the inside of my eyelids!!
ok well enough crazy for now!
I mean really who and why and how did we get here?
Skinny people obviously do not think like "oh ouch my head/back heart hurts I should go eat!" or "he makes me so mad I should get a chocolate bar" or "what! the bills are so high i should go get candy."
this isn't even like a obvious thought it is automatic !
transitions...are hard for me I am not sure-- like why when we get done eating and people are on the move from one room to another on to the next thing and no matter how full i am it triggers something in my brain to eat - maybe it was the moving around as a kid from Mom's house to Dad's on the weekends never ending up where I wanted to be so now when life around me changes just the slightest it triggers the eating thing. I know it is a comfort thing I am just not sure what it is I need in order to NOT need / want the chocolate...
I guess before things change I need to run the serenity prayer thru my brain... have it tatooed on the inside of my eyelids!!
ok well enough crazy for now!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
oh my goodness,...
been looking the last 2 days at wedding venues...wow so expensive!!! but i really think we have found the place...
working on the 3rd step in OA.. giving my food control to the Lord...yeah prying my cold fingers off of it. It is very hard. it is like the last thing the Lord is saying for me to do here in this part of my life ..let it go girl...there as a daily reading that said - trust in God with your food He will not steer you wrong where as this disease will this disease will tell you it is ok to put poison in your body...God not so much He will not tell you it is ok to eat to kill your self.
So why is it easier to listen to this disease then to listen to God?
so now I have a food sponsor someone to be accountable to with my food plan.
lets see what else...getting ready for Disney -yeah - finding the right shoes to walk in and clothes...it was easier when the 4 kids were smaller some how some way!!! LOL
And my nephew writing to me from the DOC in logansport...sighhh I gave his mom and brother the address but have they written him uhhh no - I guess I will get a money order for him for postage and give him his moms address...
ok well thats all for now!
working on the 3rd step in OA.. giving my food control to the Lord...yeah prying my cold fingers off of it. It is very hard. it is like the last thing the Lord is saying for me to do here in this part of my life ..let it go girl...there as a daily reading that said - trust in God with your food He will not steer you wrong where as this disease will this disease will tell you it is ok to put poison in your body...God not so much He will not tell you it is ok to eat to kill your self.
So why is it easier to listen to this disease then to listen to God?
so now I have a food sponsor someone to be accountable to with my food plan.
lets see what else...getting ready for Disney -yeah - finding the right shoes to walk in and clothes...it was easier when the 4 kids were smaller some how some way!!! LOL
And my nephew writing to me from the DOC in logansport...sighhh I gave his mom and brother the address but have they written him uhhh no - I guess I will get a money order for him for postage and give him his moms address...
ok well thats all for now!
Monday, May 10, 2010
struggling in addiction
struggling in my addiction the addiction of overcoming troubles by eating... it is crazy ---food is fuel it is not peace it is not strength in the emotional part of it --food is substance it gives life but it can not heal or help you emotionally - I KNOW this in my heart in my mind but yet when something causes me pain or indecision or anguish I reach first for food - sometimes it is physical reaching as in I go to the kitchen but mostly firstly it is mentally reaching oh that hurts --- mentally I think of which food is going to make it better -- make me feel calm or soothed or comforted or what food quells my anger . Food is never what tastes good as much as what is it going to do for me.. that is so wrong.
My mom is living in squallier she has not sought help in her anger or her despair over this junk with Rick so once again she is living in a pit - her little bitty apt is full of junk she has stacks of stuff on every flat surface and sliding off onto the floors she has her coffee table so full that even if she wanted a book or paper from the middle of it - it would be frightening to pull it out for fear of a cascade of paper and books - it is a shame really but yet there's nothing I can do . She will not let me help her she will not go seek help on her own .this is not my fault -it is not of my making. So now I guess we wait until the Apt. figures it out and does something .
But for today I will not eat these problems of mine...one day at a time I will work on this .
My mom is living in squallier she has not sought help in her anger or her despair over this junk with Rick so once again she is living in a pit - her little bitty apt is full of junk she has stacks of stuff on every flat surface and sliding off onto the floors she has her coffee table so full that even if she wanted a book or paper from the middle of it - it would be frightening to pull it out for fear of a cascade of paper and books - it is a shame really but yet there's nothing I can do . She will not let me help her she will not go seek help on her own .this is not my fault -it is not of my making. So now I guess we wait until the Apt. figures it out and does something .
But for today I will not eat these problems of mine...one day at a time I will work on this .
Saturday, May 08, 2010
a prom night
I took pictures for my friends daughter for Prom .. Center Grove - Taylor is hysterical and the camera LOVED her!
it was great!
it was great!
thinking thoughts...LOL
wow been thinking today ...was cleaning and watching hoarder shows and this lady was a lot like my mom ... my mom is a hoarder and I am not one only because I work at NOT being one,. tho I think at one time I might have been on my way to being one.
anyway as this lady talked and they showed her outside life ( meaning the life she shows to others at her work ect. ) She was very much like my mom - very with it funny outgoing . Helpful to people but then she would go home and there were collections and recycling and junk stacked to the ceilings.
The last time I was at my mom's apt. when she had the carotid surgery I almost fell slipping on magazines that had fallen over the magazines she couldn't throw out because she needed to black out her name and address...then there's the clothes she has collected? for the Philippines..it has been months and months since the disaster that got her collecting for them... and her tables are full underneath and on top there is no clean clear flat surface... there was something rolling in her fridge that was smelling up the apt. it was a murky mess in the bottom drawer ... and in the midst of all that mess she had a card table out with a craft project on it ... sighhh yeah she only lives in about 650 sq feet space and it is FULL... of stuff... a repeat of what she did in AZ wow I just got that this has come on in the last year or so once again because she is not wanting to deal with the stuff between me and Rick- thats when she did this in AZ... ah well It is not something I can change her hoarding habits I have my own disease to deal with.
like the sernity prayer says
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference..
Amen
anyway as this lady talked and they showed her outside life ( meaning the life she shows to others at her work ect. ) She was very much like my mom - very with it funny outgoing . Helpful to people but then she would go home and there were collections and recycling and junk stacked to the ceilings.
The last time I was at my mom's apt. when she had the carotid surgery I almost fell slipping on magazines that had fallen over the magazines she couldn't throw out because she needed to black out her name and address...then there's the clothes she has collected? for the Philippines..it has been months and months since the disaster that got her collecting for them... and her tables are full underneath and on top there is no clean clear flat surface... there was something rolling in her fridge that was smelling up the apt. it was a murky mess in the bottom drawer ... and in the midst of all that mess she had a card table out with a craft project on it ... sighhh yeah she only lives in about 650 sq feet space and it is FULL... of stuff... a repeat of what she did in AZ wow I just got that this has come on in the last year or so once again because she is not wanting to deal with the stuff between me and Rick- thats when she did this in AZ... ah well It is not something I can change her hoarding habits I have my own disease to deal with.
like the sernity prayer says
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference..
Amen
Friday, May 07, 2010
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
something happend on the road to recovery
it has been a hard couple of days...lost my abstinence
yeahhh a friend at BSF asked me how it was going and I told her well I killed it on Sunday
buried it on Monday
and was resurrecting it today (Tuesday)
It kinda went along with the John 20 that we had just studied...
I have realised that I need to surrender... not JUST to God ...not JUST to this disease but to all things in my life that I CAN NOT change... ie Surrender to pain in my body...
I do not acknowledge pain ..I walked the mini on a broken foot I climbed up the natural bridge in Ky. Red River Gorge with a broken foot...it wasn't until July ( broke it in April) That I finally acknowledged it HURT
Thats just CRAZY! I have had this back pain Sciatica? For a YEAR--- I am just now going to the Doctor about it. I have been a medicine taking Diabetic for 2-3 years I am just now acknowledged hey I can't eat sugar...duhhh
So I need to surrender to the pain I feel physically & emotionally...Why is this so hard for me to do??
yeahhh a friend at BSF asked me how it was going and I told her well I killed it on Sunday
buried it on Monday
and was resurrecting it today (Tuesday)
It kinda went along with the John 20 that we had just studied...
I have realised that I need to surrender... not JUST to God ...not JUST to this disease but to all things in my life that I CAN NOT change... ie Surrender to pain in my body...
I do not acknowledge pain ..I walked the mini on a broken foot I climbed up the natural bridge in Ky. Red River Gorge with a broken foot...it wasn't until July ( broke it in April) That I finally acknowledged it HURT
Thats just CRAZY! I have had this back pain Sciatica? For a YEAR--- I am just now going to the Doctor about it. I have been a medicine taking Diabetic for 2-3 years I am just now acknowledged hey I can't eat sugar...duhhh
So I need to surrender to the pain I feel physically & emotionally...Why is this so hard for me to do??
Monday, May 03, 2010
Mondays..
Mondays are like new beginnings - new weeks new thoughts new plans everything seems new on Monday - people start new diets new work out plans new routines new habits to start or habits to break it all starts on Monday- who knew Mondays would become so powerful?
Me now I think the power of a week starts on Sunday- the day we give it all up and go worship the Lord and King Jesus Christ.
Sundays are the day that we make commitments and re dedications to Him the one that matters. Having a good Sunday can make or break your week. If we are not putting HIM first in our week thats when things go wrong.
So in my mind just sayin ....Mondays are nothing without a great worshipful Sunday before it.
Me now I think the power of a week starts on Sunday- the day we give it all up and go worship the Lord and King Jesus Christ.
Sundays are the day that we make commitments and re dedications to Him the one that matters. Having a good Sunday can make or break your week. If we are not putting HIM first in our week thats when things go wrong.
So in my mind just sayin ....Mondays are nothing without a great worshipful Sunday before it.
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Saturday blues...
what a dreary day ...of course saying this I realize I have been down in my basement for the last 4 hours so really the sun could be shining and I wouldn't have a clue!
I took Peggys nephews senior pics yesterday and am going to take a friends kids prom pics tonight ... I am praying the Lord will give me the steady hand and good eye that I need to do this.
I also have figured out I am a little insecure when it comes to this... I see all the flaws in the pics . So none of them look good.
as I am cleaning the scrapbook room I am watching a show called too many babies...it brings back so many memories of the twins as newborns... Ok not as bad as these people with 5 babies...but the not sleeping the emotional ups and downs of life with multiples!!
she says this mom of 5 babies I can't wait until it get's easier...sighhh should I tell her she is fooling herself this 1 st year is the easiest year?? LOL!!!!
wait until she has 5 teenagers... HA!
I took Peggys nephews senior pics yesterday and am going to take a friends kids prom pics tonight ... I am praying the Lord will give me the steady hand and good eye that I need to do this.
I also have figured out I am a little insecure when it comes to this... I see all the flaws in the pics . So none of them look good.
as I am cleaning the scrapbook room I am watching a show called too many babies...it brings back so many memories of the twins as newborns... Ok not as bad as these people with 5 babies...but the not sleeping the emotional ups and downs of life with multiples!!
she says this mom of 5 babies I can't wait until it get's easier...sighhh should I tell her she is fooling herself this 1 st year is the easiest year?? LOL!!!!
wait until she has 5 teenagers... HA!
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