cold

ok well thinking seriously about doing the resolution revolution down town a 3 mile walk tomorrow morning as a way to kick of this year but man it is gonna be like 16 degrees!!! yikers!

Ok but hey if I am gonna do this I might as well start it right ! SO a new me in 2010 yeah I know I have said it before but whatever - it is gonna happen I am gonna change my life one step one day at a time.
So might as well start tomorrow!
stay tuned and I will let you know!!

time alone

time alone its good ya know - time to think time to breathe...


As the last days of 2009 roll through and we say goodbye to this year there's a part of me that's glad to see it go. In Fact after all the crap this last year with all that has happend and all that didn't I will be glad to open the door and usher 2009 OUT

this was gonna be MY year instead it went into the toilet really quickly in January and I let all that junk get the way of me and what I wanted to do this year - not a great excuse I suppose but the only one I have got.

The stress of it and then the move and the boys graduating it has been a big year for sure -

But in the quiet of the house as I sit and ponder the year I know that God is the one in control not me - I know that nothing He has allowed is too much and if I keep my eyes on Him then it is all good.

I have kept it together this year -and thats alright

God is good...all the time

urrrggghhh

ok saying this now because I DO NOT want my new Year bogged down with it - I am so putting him behind me this year of 2010---

Talked with dad and Rick is not has not gotten any help for his problem - he went to a Class the va held for depression but due his not being a war time vet or lack of interest or whatever - the guy got reassigned and the class was canceled - Rick doesn't have the money to go on his own oh PLEASEEEEEE cancel your cable that would pay for one or 2 a month there are places who work with you on income I am sure if you went in and told them you are an old child molester / active sexual predator they would fit you in somewhere... but going for treatment of depression by its self not gonna stop anything- And He is back at the church working the sound booth working with the kids when they sing,,, Pastor Mike knows who and what he is so now it would be on him -

ok so what does this mean for me ? I am not worrying about him not being in the family so to speak it is HIS problem - It is not me being mean or whatever it is his problem he needs to take care of it.

I will be praying for the Lords peace in this I know I can do nothing to reclaim my childhood - to redeem my childhood and the years in between of walking on a ledge living with him in my life are finished done - He has made his choice I am just abiding by his choices.

great Christmas

well another Christmas down ....it was good- not too much drama!
We had Christmas eve here minus my brother and his family - there was a moment when we thought he was calling but it was Chrissy (her cell is in his name) then my sister Courtney called - she was wanting to talk to Dad and Sue - she was drunk ...sighhhh so sad - then of course Josh and Lauren there was a thing about them coming for 20 min leaving for and hour to go to Mass with her fam. then coming back it made for some stress they basically missed the whole thing -- Oh and Jeremy asked Morgan to Marry him awwww
oh well guess there was a bit of drama after all...

Christmas day the kids all came minus Josh and Lauren - they didn't get there till 11 we had already opened all of our gifts...then it was out the door to Shan and Margie's The Shepherd Christmas- we had a great time

now I would love to clean it all up and get my house back but the hinshaw Christmas breakfast is Monday morning - so a couple days rest then done-
this is the first year I have not gone shopping at the crack of dawn - I am good with that! I am so tired - just kinda worn out
we watched My sisters keeper last night oh my gosh i cried and cried I think theres a lot there the thought of losing a child and the my sisters keeper thats been me for Courtney and it just kinda brought it all home I work hard at keeping her alive for the family and then she calls all drunk and crazy ...sighhhh it just sucks -

Got some time to myself coming up and looking forward to it.
Scott goes for his yearly planning and Jen is off to Gatlinburg for Youth thing I will get the house all cleaned up and just enjoy the peace and quiet- life is good-

my Christmas Poem...

looking hard for baby Jesus where will he be?
will baby Jesus be under my Christmas tree?
Looking in the boxes amongst the paper and bows
I am not seeing baby Jesus in the holly or mistletoe
looking hard for baby Jesus in this Christmas mess
not finding him in much of this is what I must confess
But in the quiet of the night as I search my tired heart
I find The baby Jesus where He's been from the start
Kim Shepherd 12/24/09

Merry Christmas and heres hoping you find Jesus in your hearts today and everyday!

Christmas 2009

Wow it is almost Christmas - I love Christmas now -

After many years of tears and trials of Christmases spent torn between 2 households - some years going to 5 or 6 Christmas celebrations in 2 -3 days leaving those celebrations feeling empty and lost the true meaning of the Season lost amongst the traveling from one house and one family to the other house and the other family and the extended families the step families the aunts and the uncles with faces unfamiliar, the cousins you don't know and the cold feeling that comes from being in a rooms full of people who not only don't know you but have no clue of the pain you are feeling . And then at the end of the day you are alone-

But that was Christmas past

Christmas now is Peace - it is seeing the day for what it is - the day our Savior was born - all the rest the presents the chaos the food the people -- all just bonus.
I honestly am so blessed in this life of mine - and am at peace inside myself for the first time in well forever I guess or at least as long as i can remember back - Oh theres still trouble and drama and things in my family that are not resolved but hey God is good and ONLY God is good all the rest of us well not so much -
But He sent his son as a poor little baby to save this fallen world.
wow
Christmas a day of celebration.

arrrggghhhhh

those are my feelings and frustrations about putting up the Christmas decorations!!
I don't know where to put anything and the walls have that stupid finish so can't really hang things and lost a book case .... ok ok I just need to do it get it all out and figure it out!!
Stop complaining right???!!!
I want this to all look like Christmas and not sure that it is gonna happen I guess I need to just let it go and build again for this house ...get rid of the stuff I know I am not gonna use and buy for this house...
tomorrow is Dec 1st I better just get 'er done!!!

Mini 2007

The mini from my point of view...

Well I did it - I walked the mini all 13.1 miles ++ the ++ is of course the 28 min of walking it took to actually START the race...back in coral Z. yeah baby....

1 I did get to see an elite runner...well it was the wheel chair winner guy who was on his way back as we crossed what for us was 11/2 miles was for him mile 12....of course never saw a Kenyan..heck he was back home before I got to mile 5 ...LOL)

2. it was nice to see support from all the bands -to the kids -to even the elephants at the Zoo were waving us on...of course they are very smart animals those elephants ...notice -they were waving us on and not walking .,,,,

3. Odd things I saw were of course the Ronald Mc Donald guy being chased by the Hamburgeler ...there was Timmon from the Lion King , there was the Kentucky Colonel back from the dead... the colts blue guy .. got water from a princess , saw a young Darth vader there -- I herd so many cow bells ringing I almost mooed and there was the fire guy who was dressed in full gear of course everyone was like WOW - meanwhile I was thinking hey HE has an oxygen tank...carry an extra 100 pounds on city air only...

4. I did have to walk a lot by myself but God was good Just as I needed it there were class members who caught up to me and encouraged me on - it was awesome! Go Bricks to Bricks team spirit!! They even offered to get me back up if I wanted to get down and kiss the bricks...(at that point I am thinking it would have taken 10 men and a strong horse... uhh no thanks!!! LOL )


5. the track was great ..it was great to walk it - you know I am pretty sure tho for us ADHD'ers that 1/4 mile around woulda been just fine ...BUT what was even BETTER was the flushie toilets and no waiting ! Wow who knew after 7 water / Gatorade stops I would REALLY have to go!!!

6. I couldn't remember the song from the last night at training SO at mile 10 I wasn't sure was I supposed to pick up my feet and God put them down or visa versa......didn't really matter I basically Told the Lord he was gonna have to pick them up AND put them down .....


7. I did get a phone call on the mini I thought it was my son so I answered with "I am at the 12 mile marker...." the lady says uhhh I think I have the wrong number...I said well I am at the 12 mile marker tell me I am doing good....She laughs and says oh you must be at THAT mini thing...Then she says 12 miles your doing good! I said ok thanks have a nice day! and hung up... Wasn't that cool of God to send me a phone angel!!!

8. I did see a guy I swim with..he is 80 years old and of course 1/2 mile in front of me geesh,,,,( it's ok I can lap him in swimming!! uhh did I mention he was 80??)

9 people did like the shirt ( the first shall be last and the last shall be first) of course these people were all passing me....hummmm maybe they didn't get it....LOL

10. I told my husband I didn't really see anyone I knew,,,except the swimmer guy ,,,,and that is odd most people always remember me (I don't know WHY...!) Then I realized the people I hang with think this stuff is CRAZY!!

11.my feet Oh my feet -- my blisters have blisters honestly I got blisters big enough to have their own zip codes...OUCH!

12. the temptation .... first of there was all those lovely golf carts with equally lovely people driving them around I am thinking Satan get behind me...I kept walking on and ignored them then --I thought at one point hey I can fake a heart attack I bet that ambulance has A.C. BUT...my pride kept me away from taking any rides...then I saw some guy take off down some rail road tracks it wasn't a BIG short cut but it was one -again another big temptation...but my blisters prevented me from taking THAT route...See how God works....LOL

13 The finish ahh the big finish it seemed like it took FOR-EVER to get to that finish line... all I wanted to do was drop... but had to de-chip and get water and trick or treat the apples bananas cookies..(WHO thinks of this stuff?
. then they want to take your picture..( I am thinking this is not gonna be called a glammer shot!) . then it was off to find the tent...helloooo anyone seen that KLA tent?? Anyone ??

14. good things... I never saw the people sweepers (whoo glad of that!) I didn't have to use my rock.(YES I carried the rock 13.1 miles ) the people were all very nice! All those people and not one meanie in the bunch WOW! Maybe I can find some new friends in this bunch.

And I got that medal yup I have carried it with me for 2 days now ... it is pretty cool to know I did it..

My one Question to Ken is who did he make mad that the tent is all the way back to the 12 mile marker hummm??? Next year I want to be on Team First Aid they got a front line spot...

.................next year ----did I say next year???????

I have finished the race, I have kept the faith
Kim Shepherd

hummm now I know....

Now I know I have lost my mind I just registered for the Mini for 2010...yeah who knew I would EVER walk it again after the last time. I do know that in the next week I am going to get fitted for shoes not making THAT mistake again!!
Sooo with that I better get walking beofre training REALLY begins!!
Is it wrong to train for the training??? LOL

all the reasons I didn't ever want to do it again still probably stand ...but What the heck love the challenge.

oh my gosh seriously what have I done??? LOL

Thinking

I was thinking I need to do my 100 things again since I started this a few years ago maybe things have changed..maybe I have changed...no that's sill of course I have changed!!


my life is so much saner ... I am so much saner. is saner ever a word? I mean if you can be insane then surly you can be saner...
LOL

The holidays are coming ...maybe saner is not a good thing around the craziness of family-- Mt sisters hubby has decided he is done with the marriage ...I guess he has been tossing this around in his head for a few months and now well last week he decided to act on it - yesterday was Owens 5th birthday...happy birthday to him I know there is never a good time to break off a marriage but seriously right NOW? I want to thump Brad in the head...but maybe it will be better for the bigger boys since Brad didn't always treat them fairly .

heres how i feel about divorce,...and step dads...

My Step-Monster
Pain anger and hurt are racing through my head
As the memories of you fill me with dread
The yelling and the torture that you put us through
Does it ever bother you?
You were larger than life at the end of a bad day.
A little, little man who had to have his way
Did I salt the potatoes? Did I hang your shirts up right?
Was the sweeper run correctly? If not there was a fight
You hit with your fists, but your words hurt just as bad
We could always tell by the air if you were coming in mad
Hide – make me smaller trying to keep out of your sight
Listening and wondering if it was time to take flight
Out of the room or out of executive control
Out – just get out – anyway I could go
My mom just stood by and let you make me your prey
My mom just stood by and I was the one to pay
To pay the price of your anger, the price of your rage
The damage you did I am just beginning to gage
You were a bully of women and children of that I am sure
I know I will get past you – of you I will be cured
Be gone little man – get out of my head
Good bye little man of you I have no more dread.~~~
KS©2009

His Lost Children

Look! Look at His children what do you discover?
The broken bruised hearts of His children trying to recover
Those lost and alone in a world grown cold
To the suffering of His children so young – but old
Their clothes are brand new it’s their hearts that are torn
Shredded by the neglect to which they were born
Jesus is crying great woeful tears of deep sorrow
Jesus is saddened by the view of tomorrow
A world in which His children are tossed to the side
No one even caring how the divorces divide
Children – His children the love of His heart
Look how our world is tearing them apart
Babies – sweet babies born into drugs and booze
Little children left alone – so each other they abuse
Parents supposedly the guardians strong and secure
Have abandoned His little children once so pure
Now look at His children they crawl on bent knees
Looking to their heavenly Father to set them free
The extreme shame and pain that feeds their cries
Look! Look at His children their pain is ours alone
Look at His children for whose anguish we have yet to atone
KS 2009 ©

surrender......

hummm we sang a song that said I surrender all to you Lord...
and ...well i am thinking that ain't true for me not this week
I want to stomop myfeet throw a chair and yell WHY IS THIS SO FREAKIN HARD....
but really is it so hard? Or is it I am just not doing what I know to do.
there is a verse about that doing what you know is wrong and that is sin...

and I hear ole Pastor Dave sayin in my head Kim where is your focus?? IS it on Jesus?? and there ya have the answer...
it ain't hard at all...

tomorrow

why is it we always say we will wait till tomorrow -- rather it is to lose weight or say what we feel or don't feel if it is to do the things we hate to do or even the things we love tomorrow seems like it will always be there. And sometimes tomorrow never comes ...sometimes it is death but mostly becasue tomorrow is always on the horizion and in the morning when you wake up it is today not tomorrow ...so tomorrow never arrives which means we never say what we wanted to say do what we wanted to do or lose what we wanted to lose or gain what we wanted to gain in this life-

So I say lets do it today lets do it right now lets not wait till tomorrow because as the song goes....tomorrow is always just a day away!

Wow

it has been forever since I was on here -- shocking!!
Well today is my Birthday whoo hoo it has been a nice day
had lunch with my friend Shari then went and got a massage...now killing time till it is time for Gray Brothers...yummm

October and September has been a rocky month trying to find out what was / is causing this stomach problem the good news is they didn't find anything the bad news is ...they didn't find anything...

I started the implant process... got a bone graft and tooth pulled in a month or so I will get the titanium rods... sounds most unpleasant!!!

trying to not get wiggy about the upcoming holidays... with this junk with my brother - they still haven't contacted us to talk about what has gone on ...soooo the ban on him still stands it causes me anxiety and I just gotta keep letting it go -

The ball is in his court - he needs to do what he needs to do - me I gotta keep leaning on Jesus --

Jes is engaged wow really exciting -- she and I are going to be getting together for wedding plans this Thursday!

And I am going to start my training for the Mini - yup I am going to walk it again... only this time be trained and ready --

ok well thats all I know for now -

quiet

I need to sit and just be quiet--
to hear what God has for me - to get serious about hearing Him-
why can't I just be quiet? after all those years of head noise
it is so hard to be in the quietness of God.
the TV the radio the phone the dog - all begging my attention
day in and day out and yet God is also wishing my attention He has more for me then anyone and yet I push Him out with all the noise of my life

the last couple of years -5 years or so between the healing of my life and the roller coaster of emotions jes and school and the mistakes she made the boys and the craziness of the last couple of years - Jeremy and Morgan - Rick and all that goes with him and the things he has done to my family -
quiet being quiet --- God quiet -- is it even possible for me to sit in silence the doubting voice in my head says no way But I think with practice I can do it -

Sooo -- I better get to practicing being in the qietness of God

hummm

things that make ya go hummm
I think I have never really grieved the loss of the boys
and the sadness that goes with them moving out -- Jeremy i cried buckets over but not sure how much was the loss of him at home and how much was the grief over what happened with Rick and Morgan the cameras yeah... then us moving and Josh moving out actually we moved out first then he moved and then the getting settled and
well doing this book the one month to live - it kinda brought that grief to the surface I mean there was no grieving period for Josh coz we were so busy with the move - and also the whole how they have moved out moving in with the girl friends so wrong in Gods eyes -- it just makes me so sad that everything I worked so hard for-- looks to me like I failed -- and that hurts deeply
I realize it is them not me - but it still hurts .
What is it about kids---when you work so hard to give them what you didnt have and then it seems like they dump it all and don't look back--
I miss my boys - it was hard them coming 2 at once harder yet losing them 2 at once - and now I have to share them with these girls...seriously??? uggghhh breakin my heart and they have no clue

the good side of this is Jesus will take my grief -- He will give me joy in my sorrow - coz He always does!! Thank you Jesus -

Blahhhhh

After such a nice weekend it is hard to feel so tired...think it is the stomach meds ...it works to stop the bloat and the spasms but it makes be so tired...

We at our church are doing the book one month to live..it should be interesting tho i was whining about doing it ..I finally shut up and listened it is amazing what you hear from the Lord if you just shut up.

hummm

well it has been a whiole since I was on here ...been going thru some medical junk that hopefully will be figured out soon-- going for a scope of my upper GI which is much better then what will come second which of corse will be the scope of the lower GI...I dont know why they cant just put me out and scope it all...LOL meet them coming and going...so to speak...

Anyhow this weekend we are going Family Camping with people from our church so this oughtta be fun! tho I hate missing Sunday church...sighhh oh well gods got us in the woods too!!

I just want to say I love the Lord He is so increadably awesome all that HE has done for me to see me thru the crap-

For those who think life is hopekless well come and meet my Jesus -

We as a church are getting ready to do the book - one month to live--- and looking at what you would change in your life if you only had 1 month to live -- it oughtta be powerful...course my first answer is to heck with the diet ...chocolate all the way!! But I am pretty sure the auther means what legacy and what things of eternal value will you leave....
It makes me instantly sad becasue of the Rick junk thats gone on ... I do not hate him I just want him to admit what he is doing and get the help to stop.
He thinks it all can just go on ..like nothing ever happend ...well for me no it can not. -For my kids no we are not accepting perversion as the new norm-- He doesn't want to talk about it neither does Beth -- so life goes on for them ...but someday he will act on the wrong person and the police will be called and he will have to face the consequences...

sighhhh

found it!

wowzer! When I took Josh and Laurens senior pics back in April? May? I thought I left my nifty 50 lens at the park went thru the whole trauma of going back looking for it being mad at me for leaving it on the pic nic table ect... and last night looking for a tennis ball in the car for molly( yeah we were desperate!! ) I tucked my hand under the seat and low and behold there was the lens it was tucked up under the seat against the black seat track...no way coulda sen it! WOW! I am so blessed to have found it ...now tho I have 2~!! ahhh well...
it makes me happy that I didn't lose it!!

His Word

Have you ever just picked up the bible and held it and had it feel alive? Held it like a shield - like a blanket of Love and protection. Just that feeling of His words living and breathing and comforting .
Opening up to words on a page that are as alive as the heart beating inside your chest - Words that speak deep into your heart your soul and fill you with HIS loving guidance and comfort and wisdom. How the words come alove thru the Holy Spirit and when I see that to me it is like they jump off the page it is like they are all written in bold print and everyone should see the words that are speaking into my heart.
The Bible His Holy words to us Gods love poured out into simple words and phrases that can shape and mold our days our weeks our years our lives.
Bibles sadly laying collecting dust in the corners of peoples torn up empty lives... their hope their future lies in the good news contained between the covers of that dusty old book... if only they would pick it up.

I had a flat tire and my dog ran off in the rain....

I had a flat tire and my dog ran off in the rain....hummm sounds like a country song...but it was my life this morning ...
is it wrong to wish a thunderstorm on your poor dog who ran off to play ? When you know she hates storms...yeah thought so ...sighhh it just didn't start out to be a great day But I am sure once I eat lunch things will improve...I am almost done with this storage closet ...I just need to let go of some "stuff" that I no longer use ... I am so very good at advising others to let it all go just not so good at doing it myself...
ok off to eat lunch keeping my blood sugars on track ...
it makes me a much nicer person...LOL oh yeah and the Dog...miss molly she did come back ...love the smell of wet dog...NOT!

Getting things done

Well getting those closets done ...you know the ones I kinda stuffed stuff into --to get the stuff outta boxes...yeah those closets...
I still have to get the basement storage room done -

struggling with the weight thing walking eating right and the scale after the first 7 pounds not budging...sucks really
makes me just want to eat...and eat big ...but I am not.

my blood sugar has been messed up too so maybe that's playing a part in it...all I know is the scale better get moving the right way or I will pitch it out the door ...seriously I will -

oh well been like a walking fool but gonna have to be if I am gonna do the mini next year...ooops did I really just say that?? yeahhh well I am .. who needs big toe nails...
ok thats all I know for now

out of sorts

I feel out of sorts today but not out of my mind sooo that's good right?
I am not sure why I am out of sorts but have felt this way for a few days...a few weeks ... maybe because I am not turning to food ...maybe because we are doing a spiritual warfare series at church... maybe because as a mom I am still adjusting to the kidlessness of this new life - Jen is still a kid but less kid like everyday.
and how do I complain? I have such an awesome life an awesome hubby an awesome house... and great friends ...tho maybe it is because my friends seem to be moving on to other places ..it is another one of those shifts in life ... in friendships... moving has put me out of sorts it seems ...no neighbor friends...the family thing is still not resolved and soon the fall and winter holidays will be upon us... what I FEEL like is I have no soft place to land...I KNOW that is not truth ...FAITH FACTS FEELINGS... hummm gotta remember that...

pictues

Photos for the Millers... not so bad considering I had this sinus headache going on...

Women of Faith

Went to the WOF... and it was good...not great but good...and I think for me the not great part was probably that I am in such a different place then ever in my life. I am no longer in counseling life is hard sometimes but good ...so a lot of what was being talked on was not my issue ...now I am not saying
I don't have issues and there was a couple things that were convicting for sure and I will be taking those things out and un packing them ...but over all it was well different .

In a different time or place in my life I woulda been moved shaken stirred ...but this time not so much. had a good time tho ...just didn't come back all refreshed and jazzed not a mountain top thing...

my kids were all here today for the boys birthdays ...it kinda breaks my heart that our table is so different so stiff now it isn't the same easy thing of fun and laughter that it used to be when it was just us it is different hard Morgan and Lauren and Eric haven't meshed themselves into our fabric of family so there's just awkwardness that I hate ...will it always be this way? I hope not some days I want my babies back I want to call a do over and maybe we wouldn't be in this place now ...but then I guess it could be worse ..so I will keep what I got -and make the best of it -

cleaning

Finally cleaning and straightning the scrapbooking room closet ...all the things I kinda dumped there coz I had no place eles to put them...

I still have no place but thats ok if it isn't something I REALLY need then out it goes !

I gotta take my own organizing advice ...LOL

of course the first box I pull out has 2 spiders in it yuckkkkk
enough to make me give up and call it a day! BUT I didn't I persivered and now I have emptied a big box! yay me!

going going gone......

going to the trailer this weekend - it should be fun bad news is we only get to go Fri and sat - as we have a party to come home for on Sat - and of course Jen teaches Sunday school and I REALLY don't want to miss this weeks sermon the spiritual warfare sermon-

Trailer so many happy memories there - kinda sad going without all the kids but how do we do this with their new found living arrangements?? Humm?

And I am almost finished with my project I am working on so it will be good to be away from it from the computer ...and when we get back it is hit the ground running Jen will have 2-a- days Mon Tues and wed and then she will know on Wed about if she makes the team....such tension and drama...

but for now for today it is trailer time....ahhhh I hear the serenity of it calling my name...the snap and crackle of the fire and the sweet smell of melting chocolate and marsh mellows....yeah that's right i skip the whole graham cracker thing go right for the good stuff!!!

how do you know???

I have words more words then most people I know I can make a trip for a root canal seem like the funniest thing in the world I can draw you into a story and make you feel like you are there.

But ask me how I know it is a God thing or it is something Evil and the words are not there I can not tell you - I can see it in my head good or evil but I have no words to express it. they say a picture is worth a thousand words and in my mind and in my heart that is true.

how do you know....
How do you know it is God? Well my heart sings it is light it is peace
How can you know it is evil? Well it is dark it is heavy it is ugly -
I feel like I can talk about the God things and it you can maybe get it but truly only a 10th of what is real the rest the 90% is so much BETTER then words -- it is the same with the Evil the Enemy- I can say dark ugly wow if you could have seen the picture of what it was the evil spirit oh gosh dark ugly doesn't come close - it is Stven King on speed-

How do you know....
I just do-
I was asked to describe how do you know something evil and evil spirit or demon has come your way lots of people can say oh I was touched by an angel - my guardian angel was there for me
Not sure how to describe being harrassed by an evil spirit - being touched in the middle of the nigth by a talon...in the middle of my back - #1 how did I know it was a talon I just knew I am not a bird freak but there ya go and I guess how do I know? because the touch brought terror and it was gone in flash with the name of Jesus -

it was not just bad pizza...LOL

I am a junkie....

a TLC junkie....shoot I am a tv junkie period!! LOL


So many TV shows so little time!!

all the reality shows little people ...fat people ...messy people...reproductive people...LOL

ohh and when I am not watching TLS I am onto HGTV...LOL

ok I seriously need a life!

hummm

Checking into copyrights gonna get the poems copyrighted...
it is really very easy the process... just not so easy letting go of them.

Renouncing the fear tho - God is in this work so how can I go wrong> hummm?

Rainnnnnnn

Ok so it has only reained a little bit ...well all day really and I am so tired of it! Why? becasue I have nothing to read!! LOL if I had a good book then I could snuggle in and read .
Sighhhh oh well

Right now I am waiting on my FP Bible study group to get here for our summer meeting...

I am also still waiting on my Pampered Chef order!! it should be here tomorrow....

Have I ever said I was good at waiting?? I think NOT!

rumbling grumbling....

why can no one replace the toilet paper but me?? people do we need lessons on this simpe task? And what about the loading and unloading of the dishwasher is so darn hard may I ask?? hummm???

I have been on a reading frenzey which is probably because I am hiding from something ...hummm what could it be...the pain of my son not calling? I know Josh is all full of himself and his bigness...but hello??? Didn't he get so mad at Jeremy when he did this very same thing? of course different when it is himself I suppose ...
And the Rick thing letting it go ...giving it to the Lord...
meanwhile I have read thru 8 books maybe?? ok 1 1/2 on the trip the rest here read one yesterday ...
I probably need to hit my knees and go to the Lord -- I guess the good thing is reading aint eating ,...but it is still avoidence...

on the up side ...I am loving my house -
sighhh it is good

July and at long last vacation!!!

Today Scott and I are leaving for Shipshewanna IN the land of Amish and fried chicken!! LOL I am so looking forward to the huge flea market and the laid back life!

Jen is off on her mission trip and everyone else is busy working! All the kids who can not wait to be grown ups are now finding it isn't all that glamorous! Work work work...LOL

We tried to get some family issues resolved yesterday or if not resolved then clarified...but Beth was not "ready" to discus it -
And Rick seemed clueless as always - We are still holding his feet to the fire on this issue and will not back down . Until he seeks change in his behaviors we will not be part of his life - nor will my children. yesterday was the first I have seen him in 7 months wierd really- but in all honesty it has been good for me to not be subjected to his comments and such .My heart goes out to Beth but living in the sea of denial is not a good place to be. oh well ...

we are unpacked and loving our new digs. Scott said if we couldteach Molly Room service we could just stay here!! LOL But off to shipshy !

New house

well we are moved in it has been crazy busy and oh soo tiring...worn out hardly covers it!! LOL

Getting used to the new house trying to set some new rules for Jen on eating in odd places...she is not getting it so going ot have to sit down and spell it out,
I am so tired of picking up after her and at 15 no reason I should have to.
there that is a mom rant!

as scott said we need to finish up the last 10% so it doesn't drag on.

I went ot swim yesterday that was fab-- hoping ot make it back today

ok well thats all for now!

wow long time no blog!

well so much has happend in the last few weeks! life has been so crazy no time to think! Well both boys have graduated ,,,it was VERY close for Jeremy - wasn't sure he was going to! We got the house painted and the carpet in - still a lot of small things to do besides packing this house -

jen starts drivers ed so today was spent getting her permit and stuff...

we get the bedroom furniture tomorrow so I can get the bedrooms decorated -- So at least that will be done when we move!

Still need to clean out my drawers and closet. here in old house

Almost got the dining room all packed ...sighhh it scares me to pack the good china-- I am so afraid it will get broken,,,

ok well there ya go ...

BUSY

wow so much to do in the next few weeks!
paint colors to choose and a few new things for the house. Thank goodness not too much to shop for -while it would be fun it is also exhausting!

Got the boys graduation thing too ...haven't done much on that other then buying some decorations...LOL


Today tho is mothers day...a break --ha - yeah well some time soon there will be a break!
ok off to Church - love worshipping my Lord!

the new house

it is very exciting we got the keys yesterday - now the fun begins! picking out paint colors -carpeting for the main level , deciding what furniture goes where and what we need to get - new bedding for us and Jen a new crate for molly-- actually not sure where molly is going...LOL this house is so open no little hidden nook for her cage to be tout of the way!
I cant wait to post pics of the house!
after 17 years it will be so weird to go home someplace else!

gotta get the boys graduation invitations out ,,,

so much to do!
LOL

Surrender

John 19:30 When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

Jesus GAVE up His spirit - his job was finished he surrendered all to His Father God and surrendered His life for me.

He Jesus part man part God humbeled Himself and laid down His life for me

No one took it from Him He Bowed His head and gave up His Spirit - it was the right time His job was done - the last thing for Him to do was to BOW His head - and give it up.

His PERFECT obedience

So where is my obedience ...

mom stuff

LOL Oprah is on moms ...funny all these moms telling their worst moments like not giving kids baths everyday...seriously were we supposed to?? And feeding kids school lunch out of snacks n the car...yeahhh did that.went ot Meijers once before the boys kindergarten and since I pay in cash...I used up all the cash and it was time for kindergarten and they had not eaten lunch o we dug thru the groceries for something they could eat on the way to school...so they had poptarts and fruit roll ups LOL talk about sugaring them up!!
One lady used a maxi pad for diapers...we didn't have a diaper once at Red Lobster dinner with the family- so grandma Susi had a depends and I can not remember how we got it to stay on her but we somehow made suspenders and she wore grandmas depends!! LOL

just some funny stuff!

Saturday in the park....think it was the 4th of July...LOL

well I am to July 4th 2002 on the boys books sad really considering I set up on Mon and was starting 2002 - hard to get motivated...not sure why - is it coz they are leaving? Shoot Jeremy is gone ./... I think that was why I couldn't do it before this week it was hard. Maybe it is seeing the family pictures...all the family - I should just say I have not cropped anyone out ...LOL

ok so maybe by the end of the day i can be thru 2002---

maybe by the end of the year I will be thru the end of the year! Current! LOL
probably not tho

Spring Break 2009

well it is Spring break whoop whoop... had lunch with a friend today -started scrapbooking the boys...well got it all out anyway - hard to get it started need my motivation my Carol Chandler...LOL

God is so awesome just want to put that out there.

And even tho life is tough right now --He is my all in all

Love Him

feeling uninvited

wow well this is something I am not sure how I feel about it...
My mom's sister is in town and they were at my house for the girls birthdays ok that's cool...and then I found out last night that there was a get together at Aunt Sandy's ...with my 2 cousins and my bro and his wife and the aunts uncles and my mom...no matter that I am ok with not being where HE is...I am ok with that that is my choice but the fact that ...uhhh no one ever mentioned that it was even happening...Why do I feel like I am the bad one here??
Wouldn't the mature thing be to say =uh we are going to have this get together and are inviting him...just letting you know...since you already say the visiting people --- not a problem.
hummm
of course since Beth has decided she is no longer speaking to me I guess if I woulda been invited she wouldn't have gone...
Sighhhhh life surly doesn't have to be this difficult does it?

The consequences of sin ...suck....and it isn't my sin go figure...

crazy times such as these

So much going on Lord so many questions... it is in you tho Lord that I trust in you I put my life and love ...

Jeremy is probably not going to graduate,... unless he uhhh starts going to school every day and does his work and passes his finals and his teachers decide to give him a passing grade... I can not pray for him to pass ...why should God bless sin?

My sister in law refuses to speak to me any more ... why? Because I am holding her husbands feet to the fire ...? I will not tolerate his actions anymore? I will not put my daughter at risk? Ahh well such is life I have had my counseling my sister is now in hers ...He still won't admit that he has a problem...Seems like she is the one with the problem not me ...

I go to Breast center Doc on April 1st anyone see that as funny?? I do... God is God and I am not ... He has this all in His control and I don't have to worry about it and strangely enough I am not ... hummm learning aren't I? As long as the 2nd biopsy doesn't hurt as much as the first it is all good!

And other things changes in the Shepherd house that are afoot ...
hang on to your hats spring is blowing in ...

Race for the Cure...

Signed up to be on a team from Church...
Gonna walk for the Breast Cancer thing...
All this as I await the biopsy report on my own boob...funny huh?
I am thinking it my biopsy will be ok coz he said he wasn't seeing anything bad..But he wasn't getting a lot of tissue either ..but that's sometimes good...geee I think he was not real definite...LOL
So anyway it oughtta be fun to walk it -figure after the mini last year this oughta be a breeze!


update on the biopsy -- not enough to be definitive so they are referring me to Breast Doc for open insion biopsy yipppeeee huh...

Wrandom Writings.... LOL

Well not been real successful in the weightloss battle... letting the enemy beat me up knock me down and in general steal my health. THAT has got to stop.

I am not in this battle alone. My identity and my strength is in Christ-- He alone is who I need to look at for validation of who I am and if I am living right or not...

Was looking up some stuff and ran across an entry by liberty baptist church about the NIV being off by a long shot...and some of the points they make are very valid ...it is disturbing actually

http://www.libertybaptistchurch.org.au/bookstore/NIVOmissions.pdf

Some of it sounds over the top and a bit paranoid but I see what they are saying that how they are rewording and leaving out stuff could make a point for the other team...the new agers and those who seek to use the Gospel for validating their wrong thinking.

forgetting just WHO God is...

seems I have been forgetting just who God is ...How big HE is that HE is the one in control of my life and I need to just let go and let God... why is it so hard to do that? why is it so darn easy to pick up my SELF and think that i am doing this by MYSELF...that I have any control --
My God is BIG -- HE is mighty --HE is sovereign HE is LORD -- if that is all true to me and in my heart as truth then why am I in despair and discouraged? Why am I letting these dark thoughts of sadness over run my life my time my heart ? Giving into the thoughts of cutting of eating of purging of just wanting to sleep--- this is all old stuff wanting to creep back in this has no place in my life -- not when God is my hope Jesus is my answer to it all.

My boys will do what they will do - the other things in my life with my family will be what it is...deals will come and deals will go all I can control is ME -- my relationship with God the Father with Jesus - I can control when i get up and when I sleep I can control what I eat what I drink I can control if I am exercising - I contol my TV watching and internet use.

I love my kids I am so sad at thier choices in life at this point - BUT God is the same yesterday today and tomorrow He will never let me down becasue even all this bad stuff is small stuff next to HIM to HIS glory HIS mercy HIS love for me . How is it so east for me to let go of all HE has done for me?

Duh Kim ... STOP this insanity and start living the life HE has given.
Jesus hung on that cross so I can be free of all the crap-- so I need to START living a life of freedom.

Crazy Times Such As These...

Oh man life IS... that's all I can say...

I guess I just need to go curl up in the corner
with God... take some time out to reaffirm what is
truly important. Who is in charge (GOD) and whose values rule
GOD's... Why do people think that we know anything?

how does THIS work?

How is it when someone who is the perpetrator against you then against your family now has the gall to blame you for the mess that the perpetrator's life is in?

How does that work? it makes me MAD- he is a creep .

what are my fears about this? I guess it is that I am making a bigger deal out of the situation then needs to be - BUT that is the enemy talking if that was truly the case then my husband would not have made the moves against said perpetrator that he did. Scott is not rash he is not one to make a big deal out of nothing. I guess I need to look at the facts
The facts speak for me
and I just gotta let God deal with him as God sees fit. And even if he gets "away" with junk in this life there will be a judgement day - he will have to pay.

It just makes me angry to see him putting it on me making me the bad guy - sick of it-

today

wow have to do something today that I really do not want to do.
And not sure how to get out of the "ceremony" part of it.
I am praying the Lords protection on me while I am there. And tonight I will pray when I leave there.

Yesterday I got into a conversation with a guy from HS about Jesus he is all into the world religions thing and we should all just get along and there is no Absolute authority uhhh wrong ....LOL I did not get heated in my discussion kept a clear head just did not agree with his views and kept standing on the word of God and Jesus ...well this morning when I got up there was a response from him about hoping to open closed minds and then when i got into facebook i couldn't find him he deleted his account....guess that means he wont be coming to the reunion...huh??

facebook fun....

Been having some fun on FACEBOOK,...
found old high school friends I say old coz we are celebrating our 30th HS reunion...WOW! and yesterday Found an old friend she was my BEST friend in 8th grade- Judy -- we had the best times ! We used to laugh and laugh oh my gosh ...can't think of many people in my life who I had as much fun with!

And keeping in touch with new friends and current friends.

I think it is funny that Jenni will not make me her friend... I think she feels it is intrusive, Oh well...

Ok well thats all for now...

WOW

I have heard some things and it makes me sad-

Things are not always what they seem. ... peoples marriages are only as real as they show them to be.

Because someone sits at a sound board every Sunday in Church doesn't make them a fine upstanding Christian... it maybe makes them a good sound board operator,

my "sister" is broken hearted. But she will get the help she needs to heal her heart- She has told me she will go to a church by where she lives this Sunday -- I am praying there will be a pastor there who can counsel her and help her understand it is HIS problem not her...not her .

As for my brother-- I do not know - my husband has issued a no contact order to him and me I am fine with that.

faith facts feelings

I know faith facts feelings is how I am to base my life...not lead with the feelings thing ...but that is so hard. right now my feelings are shook up stomped on and broken - . I feel like all that I have done these last 10 years is for naught . my boys are living worldly lives so what was / is the point.

I have done well in the weight loss but this last week I have slid backwards not giving into the feelings and eating them

Jeremy moving out so abruptly was like ripping my heart in two- yet it was fast ...Josh on the other hand is like slowly bleeding to death he is just this side of respectful yet I feel like he is already gone mentally emotionally he is gone. And that hurts.
this is February... little over 3 more months of this...
I know it is hard for him with his brother gone --

my head is full of thoughts that can't be spoken -- just keep renouncing those thoughts... it is a spiritual battle being played out here as well as the daily one.

I know I will get thru this ............

happy middle of february...

well here we are the middle of Feb. and the Girl Scout cookies have me surrounded and I have given them a foot hold YIKES!

My attitude has really sucked these last few days about eating... about life and I am done with giving in to THAT! No more say I!

I am so Blessed and it is time I started living like it.

My boys ..well they want to live like the world I guess I can do nothing to stop them .

"...do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.... Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good." Romans 12:2, 9

"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world -- the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life -- is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever." 1 John 2:15-17



"Jesus answered, 'My kingdom is not of this world. If My kingdom were of this world, My servants would fight, so that I should not be delivered to the Jews; but now My kingdom is not from here." John 18:36

"If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." John 15:19-20

"Friendship with the world is enmity to God." James 4:4

"Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who put darkness for light, and light for darkness.... Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight!" Isaiah 5:20-21

"Do not be deceived: 'Evil company corrupts good habits.' Awake to righteousness, and do not sin...." 1 Corinthians 15:33-34

"My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent." Proverbs 1:10


I guess the last one says it all... But they are consenting ...so there ya have it.

Did I do wrong things growing up --you betcha....was I raised in a Godly home nope not at all. Did I know the difference between right and wrong ..yes but not the eternal consequences....do my kids know yes they do but this world calls them.
So My prayer is for them to change. Coz me I am not going to I will stand with the Lord .

of course now I will get off my soap box and examine my own life and see what places I am letting the world in ...like TV shows and movies... uhhh yeah... ok....

stuff....

My heart is settling down the sadness has lessened..a bit -still missing him - that Jeremy - it is hard when you can see the mistakes but can not change them for them. They-- our children make their own mistakes and have to then live with the consequences of them just as we all do.



Josh's girl friend seems to be mad at us- for grounding Josh and ruining her senior year..uh he was only grounded a minute and frankly I don't care . We all do what we have to do - they did wrong . Her parents did nothing -we once again among the teens look like the meanie butts...once again I don't care .

Me I am just taking it one day at a time - All of this is so nuts.

things I am glad of -

that my Jesus stays the same yesterday today and tomorrow

that Jes seems to be on an even keel - poor as a mouse but back in church thats good!

that our Pastor - Dan is a Strong spiritual warrior -

that we have found a church home at Center

that Jen is doing good feet are healing grades are good ,rebellion is in check...

that Scott and I are doing good thru this storm - we are taking care of us..

My 25 Random things....from Facebook

1. all my car accidents that have been MY fault have happened in my own driveway...and yes there have been a lot - moral to this is -don't park behind me!

2. I am a youngest child middle child and 2nd out of 5 ...depending on which of my Dads marriages you look at..So I am thinking that whole birth order thing...not so accurate...

3. I once was Blind but now I see....LOL I had vision correction surgery...also I have Jesus ...with the correction surgery alone I would still be blind...

4. I love comedians...love to watch Christian Comedians wishing there were more of them..LOL but my fav all time is Bill Cosby...he makes me laugh

5. I love all the seasons..each one is my favorite until it gets extreme Winter love the snow hate the cold and ice -- Spring love the freshness budding everything..hate the rain ...Summer love the sun and brightness hate the heat and humidity ---Fall love the cool air and leaves hate the bees....

6. I love worship music and wish I could sing! Not professionally just regularly!! LOL However I do sing in the car with the music up reallll loud!

7. I always wanted to be able to play the drums and pound I mean play the piano...LOL not soft little piano music things but loud pounding music things..

8. I spent the night in ER for heart issue and took a cab home...my family was out of town and seriously I just wanted to go home all was well...and who ya gonna wake up at 5:30 a.m.??.it was weird!

9. I went into Atrel fib and while my heart beat like a thundering horse I thought it was so funny that at a catholic hospital they kept coming in and asking "have you converted yet?" I told them over and over no I am still a Methodist...It took the nurse a few minutes but she finally got it...LOL - I came in a Methodist I am leaving a Methodist

10. I have had some extreme weather issues that make for VERY funny story's... from tornado's to mud to crazy rain...people no longer like to go camping with me...LOL

11. I used to be a very fast driver now not so much...but I still like speed...LOL

12. I walked the mini marathon last year -- I didn't finish last in fact I never even saw the sweeper people!

13. I used to listen to Alice Cooper yup had every album...could sing all the words...and wore black nail polish before it was ok to wear it!

14. I used to be the president -vice president and main committee member of every group or club I was involved in....But not all at the same time. ..LOL

15 I am a life time girl scout but no longer like the things they stand for or the direction they are going.... - I may revoke my own life time standing....LOL

16. God has Blessed me with very -VERY let me say it again VERY- good friends!
Which isn't so random but very deliberate on God's part.

17. I am one of the few people who doesn't like the book "The Shack" I have read thousands and thousands of books and have not finished very few...but I couldn't finish this one.

18. In my life time I think I have gained and lost more weight then all four of my children's weight now put together

19. I love to take pictures ... and sometimes I am very good at it --my new name is Momma paparazzi

20. I am a horrible speller so bad in fact that sometimes my spell check can not even figure out what it is I am trying to spell. I am always typing to as ot and apparently that is ok on the word perfect spell check !

21. it is harder for me to come up with 25 RANDOM things about myself then I thought! Who knew!

22. I would love to travel a bit ...like to Ireland - go back to Italy ...Scotland to stay in a castle - to the East coast and stay in a beach house - Go to Alaska - And when I go I want a Cannon 5D with some prime lenses.....yeah ...that would be sweet!

23. I HATE baking cookies I have cookie ADHD...I am good for the first tray then I am OVER it lets dump the whole bowl of dough and turn the oven up on high ...who can wait on 6 dozen cookies one tray at a time sheesh move on people....LOL

24. The last time I was on a water slide (2004?) I started to scream before we even left the top...it was kinda embarrassing actually totally scared the life guard girl...!! My water slide fear is I am going to fall out the top if the slide is not enclosed...

25. I love to scrapbook and in 5 years have completed 28 books for my kids and a couple for family one for Girl scouts and one for my hubby.but have YET to do one for ME! ...
Comment

can I get a witness??

Can I just say that My God is an AWESOME God.??

OK well there ya have it.

No Jeremy is not back into the fold

there are still other family issues

my heart is still hurting from all of this

BUT...I know in all of this my Lord and Savior Jesus
is in this with me - He alone is my Rock -

like I said MY GOD is an AWESOME GOD!.

Life...

Well lets see it has been a week since Jeremy moved out ...my heart is still broken over this - it hurts me for myself but also for Josh. The plans they had are now silenced ... His future is rocky at best. This is not God's plan for him . I am angry at the circumstances that forced all this yet it is his choices his decisions - He is the one responsible for his own actions. We taught him right from wrong and now he will be the one living with the consequences. And after dodging a bullet once you would think he would have learned something.
The song "If I could turn back time..." there is much I would have done differently in regards to the lst 10 years or so. Nothing I can do for now -but PRAY...so everyone please join me in praying that Jeremy will find his way back to where he belongs...Back to the Lord- Back home -

life changes

wow life can change so quickly who has time to breathe?
your kids can bring such joy in one moment and such heartache the next. My husband and I are blessed to have each other to be a team with God as the head coach,
your family can be the best support or they can tear you up spit you out and then you lean on your good friends to see you thru the hard times - and I have some REALLY great friends.
I am so blessed that thru all the hard times in my life with my "birth" family that GOD has had really strong great people at my side to support me pray for me even when as a teenager I didn't realize it- and now as an adult it is so awesome to see Gods hand Gods love coming thru my friends.My "Christ" family
It is awful to be at odds with your birth family but worse yet to be at odds with God if I have to pick and apparently I do then I pick God. I have to stand with what is right and what is true.
There are victims and there are bad guys and somehow in my family the lines get crossed as to who is who -- I know I am not a bad guy and I Will no longer ever be a victim again .They like to paint me with the bad guy brush but I am not standing for that any longer.
God has granted me great healing these last years and that means the patterns of my life the patterns of my family has to change. I can't be the same person to them that I have always been because I am NOT the same person.
They are going to have to change.
Thank you Lord for the Christ family you have given me - may my Sisters in Christ be blessed today and always and may I be the strength and comfort to them that they have been to me these last 2 weeks. Thank you too Lord for showing me when i am in error and when I am in your truth.

BE Still and Know I am God...

a wise friend told me in response to my current distress...

"Get quiet and meet with Jesus, listen to Him, what is HE SAYING TO YOU? WHAT HAS HE SAID TO YOU ALL ALONG? "

BE Still and Know I am God

that is what the Lord has told me Be still and Know He is God... how much simpler can it be? if I am doing that then
I KNOW He is in charge of all of this-
I KNOW He is in charge of all of me -
I KNOW He is in charge of all things around me both good and bad so why am I trying to deal with it? I need to be still and KNOW HE IS GOD

When this junk goes on - that is when I need to BE still ...
BE quiet and be with the Lord--
BE still and be in the Word-
BE quiet and be in prayer
BE still and listen to the Holy Spirits guidance
BE patient and let HIM work things out ...sighhhhhhhh

all things I know...

So
I guess I will go be still and listen.

going going GONE!

I am going to go away this weekend for a scrapbooking retreat! I am pretty darn excited and hoping and praying that the water will work and not be frozen...not sure what we will do in that case but hey we will take it as it goes!

All the big drama here of late has about done me in .

BUT I am keeping my eyes on Jesus ...

spinning out of control

kinda mixed up in my feelings about things in my life right now
so many things spinning out of control not that I ever had control but I feel like I am spinning dizzily along thru life my life not wanting to disappear yet that sounds so good kinda like a cigarette on a spring day letting the smokey feelings of escape slip thru your lips and deep into your lungs then just breathe out all the chaos - it just disappears and so do you ..unfortunately like all drugs even disassociation wears off and all your left with is the same edgy itchy feelings like that of nicotine addiction...

Mornings....

Well the last 4 or so mornings..lets see since last Friday yeah,,,I have done the get up at 5:30 - 5:45 ...and come down to the frigid cold living room and my hot water has been waiting for me in the new mini Mr coffee..I make my hot tea and then sit and do my Bible Studies...I have done both the first place and my BSF each morning...it has been fantastic! It was so nice to get out my lesson this afternoon and it is all done!
My time with the Lord first thing in the morning is awesome! And it isn't rushed like you might think - I am usually done before Jen even gets down for breakfast. And sometimes before the boys even get down!
It hasn't been as bad as I thought it would some mornings I even light a fire in the fireplace.

God is so good to me.

Jo's wedding

wedding ~~~ DECEMBER 20th 3:00 p.m.....





actually...more like 9:30 p.m.







Well did the wedding ...it was so crazy Will was supposed to be there by 1 am on Sat morn. but flight was cancelled due to storms out west and he didn't land until 8:30 ish pm kinda missed his 3 pm wedding ...so instead of shooting a daytime wedding shot a night time one totally different lighting!! Got some ok shots but truthfully I just wasn't feeling it ya know? sad but true

Jesus is my First Place...

Jesus is my First Place...
I lost 10 pounds over the holidays...and Jesus is the reason.
I say that because I am looking back and seeing what the real difference is for me in this weight loss these last few weeks and it is definitely Jesus- He is the difference,. I have tried and somewhat succeeded on many different diets over the years I did Oprahs - Optifast and lost but then gained it all plus more back - I did the bulimia thing at the cost of my teeth - do you have any idea at the cost of permanent bridges? WOW - I did weight watchers countless times as well as Jenny Craig and yup I had weight loss surgery in 1998 that one is a hard one for me because the pain of the surgery - the cost - the scar - the eating one ounce of food at meals and the 60 pound weight loss in 4 months (gasp too much too fast !) - all of that I gave up for a thoughtless comment made to me by a loved one . See I had my eyes on me not on Jesus. And 2 years ago I had to go back in and have the broken ring removed at further cost to our family. It sent me into Atrial fib and I could have died . I also lost a whopping 70 pounds on South beach 3years ago - my last “success” . I was doing good in fact I was militant about it - I was a south beach convert man nothing was going to get white bread past these lips! (Ok I am still rather militant about the white bread thing but for different reasons now!) And exercise yup I got to a point where I was walking 21 miles a week -yet the weight loss kind of stabilized the militancy stumbled and another emotional hit to the heart and bam back on the weight came .Again my eyes were on me not Jesus. I must admit I did learn a lot of good things on the South Beach diet and another confession would be it has been tempting to go back to that while on the First Place and yet I do not believe that the South Beach plan in it’s truest form is what God wants for me . He likes fruits and grains that was why He made them . What He likes even more is my new found relationship with Him and not with the food. That I do not use food as a substitute for Him - That I can realize it isn’t the diet that is doing this great transformation it isn’t me and my exercise prowess it is Him -it is me putting Him in FIRST PLACE where He belongs. Food is just that food - it can not truly comfort me , it can not heal the hurts , it can not hide me from the world, it can not be joyful at my triumphs it can not weep at my sorrows - ONLY JESUS has the power and the heart to do all those things. JESUS is my Savior not food, JESUS is my Master not food, JESUS is my Wonderful Counselor not food. JESUS is my friend not food. On South Beach and Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig and Optifast all those things the food was the tool to weight loss. In First Place JESUS is my tool ( in a respectful kinda way!) Food is just food no capital letters no fan fare or orchestra playing when I eat it. It gives me nourishment while Jesus fills me up . Food fills my stomach Jesus fills my heart. And it is the heart that matters. My brain has been telling my stomach that it was hungry for all the years that my heart was broken - my brain was wrong and dysfunctional.
All those deceptive diets that were going to change me left me longing for only one thing -more food. JESUS - has been there all along. That it is HIS balance HE seeks for us - true balance not I’ll get balanced after I lose 50 pounds or get mentally fit first or physically fit first– but balanced right from the start- He made us balanced it is the world and the enemy that unbalanced us.
Yes this is still a journey for me I am not “there” yet as far as my weight loss goes and - I still have a long way to go Spiritually too , but I am so glad that I put Jesus in first place where HE belongs.

Biggest Looser

At church we are doing a biggest looser contest! me Jeremy and Josh joined in ... we weigh in at church each week pay 5.00 and the one who looses the biggest % of thier body weight at the end wins the ammount collected over the weeks - 10 % (tithe to the Church)
So this ought to be interesting! Some extra motivation!

like I said 2009 is gonna be the best year yet!

new year new beginings new thoughts

Wow it is 2009 Happy New Year.

I feel like THIS is MY year. I have put a lot behind me mentally and emotionally. Now it is time to get physical.

Tomorrow Jan 2nd is the day for doing it right. I know most people think start on the 1st but hey there was Gray Brothers cafe to consider...LOL A Shepherd family tradition!

But tomorrow is a new day a new begining to this new year--
at the start of 2010 I want NO regrets No size 20's.....LOL
My goals for this year is to be able to be off the meds or close to it...and off the c-pap..

my goal is to keep my eyes on Jesus -- all the way mentally emotionally spiritually and physically-

I want to fly this year- totally no more messing around...(flylady.com)

here's an easy one...I want my braces off ...LOL (sooner then later for sure!)

I want to scrapbook more this year not just random weekends of non stop but make time each month for this hobby of mine.

I have the poems that need reorganized,

And I want to play with my camera more get totally comfy with it take another class get into the photoshop cs4 and get to know it ..

like I said I want no regrets at the end of this wonderful year 2009
( 9 being my favorite number this has got to be my FAVORITE year right??)