humility

yeah this sucks ...no really ...I have been craving sugar craving candy thinking about some cookies thinking it is ok to have one- a bite- a box...and thats when you have to stop and say whats up .... And whats up is step 9 --- and making amends-- it takes humility to understand the pain you have caused in someone else while in your own compulsion -your own disease....now coz it is a disease you think you might feel hey I couldn't control it ... no I couldn't and I also couldn't control the things that went on in my early life that helped feed this disease... BUT the pain that my disease has put on others namely my husband and kids...well even tho it is a disease and all I still have to take responsibility and apologize...make amends to those I have hurt..while being in the food. Being in the food gives you a warped perspective of the world ...you are in your food world the hiding of food the stashing the sneaking the emotions you don't have because good or bad they are numbed with the food . where the humility comes in is you see I have some idea of how this disease has hurt my family...but not what their feelings are where have they been hurt what pain has this caused them? And I have no control over what they may say or how it may hurt me and worst is i can not go back and change things... what am i hoping for? that they will say oh mom you were great nothing of your disease touched us...ha I know thats not truth so guess I have to put on my big girl panties and suck it up and get on with it can't be stuck on step 9 for the rest of my life...gotta keep moving .....................

whack a mole....

yeah at the meeting today reading out of the 12& 12 - 4th step-- the sentence was (paraphrased...) we have to change our thinking during emotional events in our lives and how we are going to react to them...
And God gave me a picture of my life before was kinda like that whack a mole game and I was the mole the emotional events ~ were the club...So i would stick my head up and whack right in the head with the club of lifes emotional events and I could not control it no matter where I popped up~ whack again...now in recovery and thru my Dave counseling but ok mostly thru Jesus -I see with JESUS - I got a helmet on now ...ha I STILL can not control these emotional whacks they hit when they hit but with MY JESUS ARMOR on I am protected...
So still playing the Whack a mole game of life but with a helmet on!! hahaha

The true costs of this disease

you know people think well eating disorder once you get it knocked out you just start saving money right and left - not eating so much has to help the budget right? And yes it does but the true costs of this disease is staggering. this is gonna get kinda graphic so hang on....

because of the disease- I have spent countless dollars on diets and dieting things none of the "programs" were cheap- from optifast to hospital programs to weight watchers again and again .Jenny craig ...there was the gastric banding surgery in 97...then the surgery in 2006 to correct the problem (the band broke ) the scopes to diagnose it the xrays the CT scans the toxic radioactive food swallow stuff to check food flow... the new scopes to fix the scar tissue and now tomorrow another scope once again because the scar tissue is closing the hole - (the hole is the part that the ring was around to restrict the food flow you see the staple line is still in bedded in my stomach the ring that broke and sent me into atrial fib (yup ATRIAL FIB from this disease....CRAZY ) is now gone but that area of my stomach wants to close up which in turn makes eating solid foods hard to digest because they go nowhere... funny thing about our stomachs they are not made to digest food in the upper quadrant ...the high blood pressure the Diabetes .. the meds... the Cpap machine ....
of course the ugly part of this disease of mine was the bulimia...fix a meal or buy a meal eat until full then throw it up ..sometimes to eat more ..how many steak dinners were flushed I have no idea... I do know doing that ruined my teeth so now they have been fixed- and 4 pulled - replaced with expensive implants... all in the name of Food addiction -

and people think I just like to eat...really? I do not like it really but I want it I crave it and at times in my life I thought I needed it~ needed it to make me whole~ needed it to comfort me
~needed it to see me thru~ needed it to hurt me ---

this is the crazy life of addiction it moves in and takes over your life until it is destroyed,,,,

Praise Jesus that I am getting free of this .

the down side is the costs are still adding up the consequences are still there ...

HA!

Yeah...you know I hate it when you keep trying to not hear the message that God is giving you because you want the message that you want to follow... see in this life in OA I have been trying grumbly mumbly about a few things one of them is my sponser- wha wha wha I don't think she is there for me like I want her to be yeah well what I am hearing from God is to stop it stop searching I knew she my sponser was HIS choice for ne abd I think the reason why is actually her lack of time ...see I am a compulsive person and I would lean wayyy to much on someone to hve them give me what HE the Lord should be giving me it goes back to the Jesus needs to be my everything not food not sponser not programm JESUS same old message Kim ...and I guess I better be getting it The Lord has let me out of the trunk and into the backseat with Him leading me if I ever expect to make it to shotgun...I better lean on HIM for my EVERYTHING!

I also was thinking about trying to go to Celebrating recovery instead of Over eaters Annon. Why>? coz people are not Christians...well ok I have controlled my life pretty well these last 20 years or so I don't hang with people I don't like I don't hang with people of different values then mine I am pretty much all the time in a Christan environment. EXCEPT at OA...yeah those lost people call God their HP... HP to me is my printer ..oh I also had an HP camera once...higher power whom they chose to call...soda pop or whatever...seriously? His NAME IS God or I AM or
Yahweh- He wrote it down for us... come on people - anyway I am getting the message thru events and sermons and such that God isn't letting me out of OA coz there are not many Christians...nope HE is keeping me there because there are not many Christians... go figure...
So this success of mine is not mine it isn't through the power of some vague higher power nope my success is thru GOD the one and only ...Ok I am slow but I get it God...I am getting it loud and clear.
ha and for the record everytime I have written Christian I have to sing the "I am a C "song to spell it right! See it isn't on my own abilities I succeed it is thru God and only thru Him I get anything done!!

NO...I didn't fall off the edge of the world...LOL

wow it has been forever since I wrote anything and actually I am doing pretty well...
Went to the cardiac doctor today and she was very happy at my 30 pound weight loss.
Yup thats right 30 pounds gone not fast pounds not regular pounds nope these are DOCTOR pounds...meaning on HER scales from when I was there 6 months ago I am 30 pounds lighter. Now we women understand the significance in Dr pounds vs reguler pounds and fast pounds vs real pounds....
Fast pounds are the 5 pounds of water weight you lose on the 1st week of weight watchers...
Doctor pounds is when the doctor scales show the same loss as your scales at home - this is significant becasue we all know at home we weight naked after we have emptied our bodies of every thing we can and certanly before we have filled them with any sort of "light" meal...LOL
Dr pounds are usually done in the hall way at the office with all our clothes on tho usually not our shoes... and those clothes are usually well chosen...light weight clothing not chosen for weather (tho today is a nice day!>>> ) but chosen for weight...LOL and at home we have adjusted the little needle thing probably to be just "this" side of the "0" you know the left side...LOL
real pounds are those hard lost pounds those pounds of fat sweated off suffered thru ....the life style changed meals and the hard pounding of the feet.... REAL pounds...