new year~ new beginnings...

My life has been defined for 25 years as MOM --and it has been a full time job... well with 2012 comes unemployment ...lol Jennifer graduates this year and no that doesn't mean my job is done by any means...but face it she goes off to collage my day to day JOB is done ...oh if she is like her sister which she is not I will be getting phone calls... she went to collage and I became more brilliant.

So who is Kim Shepherd and what does SHE want to do with the rest of her life and again what is God calling me to do. Will there be a book of poems published? will I work on the photography thing? How will God use my life for HIS Kingdom? What is my new calling...

Since I do not really know I guess I need to spend some time in prayer and meditation and maybe just maybe I'll make a dreams list-- you know those things I want to see and do before I die... so far my dreams have been accomplished my whole life I wanted to be a wife and mother and do a good job. And rankly even with the ups and downs that we have had I think I WAS a good mom . I can look at my adult children and be proud.

I love my life the good the bad the ugly,,,it is what makes me ME!

Anticipating the coming Savior.....

I love this time of year as we gather our families close at hand to celebrate the coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ... That God sent us our Lord in the form of a baby that He had to live and grow alongside us that He had to learn all about us thru His own life here on earth and then that He had to die a terrible death to save us.
I love Christmas because we carry that happy expectation on thru gifts and celebrations with family & friends the presents that we give can hold no candle to the Gift of Jesus from God to us. But what fun and joy it brings to me to give my children gifts of things they need they want they can not afford to buy themselves.

Our Sunday school class did the book/ study Advent conspiracy and thru that study they want us to think about Christmas and basically stop buying and use that money to help the poor... I really don't see why I have to feel guilty about buying things for my kids...we still help the poor- it really kinda made me angry doing that study because While I will agree we are a rich nation and we in America do not go hungry our poorest of poor in USA are richer then most in 3rd world country's yet I do not believe it is wrong to but the things my children want and need at Christmas.

Anyway I will worship my King tonight and tomorrow and celebrate Christmas with my family and give the gifts that mean a lot to my children and then after it is done the whole year thru helping those who are poor and needy ... seems to me it makes more sense to help the poor year around then just at Christmas anyway.

blessings abound

it has been a tremendous blessing me having this back surgery- why? because I am very good at doing for others yet not so good being done for! Having to have people bring me dinner has been a wonderful time of humility and blessing for me . To have such wonderful friends show up at my door every night with dinner for us has been a humbling experience for me . My heart is happy at the help the showing of love and friendship from those who have stepped up in this busy season to give us a hand.

Thank you to those who have blessed us may God bless you x2 this season!
love kim

Life After Back Surgery....

Well I made it thru the surgery now it's recovery time- and I am seeing how this is going to get real boring real quick -yesterday I kinda overdid it so today I am sticking close to my chair - over doing it means going to dr and then supervising someone else as they do your laundry... yeahhhh sucks !

today I am getting a bone growth stimulator to aid in healing I am now starting to notice there is this urge to eat I want comfort and sweets I think Christmas is gonna be hard food wise this year.

I am gonna have to stay wise -and careful

counting down..........

time is going quickly -the surgery is fast approaching ... I really have peace about it things are coming together very well i feel like I am prepared to go into this ... not sure if I will start freaking out tomorrow or Thursday,,, I still have Jen's Christmas to finish up and my pain meds to get lined up - called the surgeon's nurse today to discuss it,.. told her if I don't have the meds I will be staying at the hospital... lol So how do I REALLY feel inside? At peace I know God is in control of this whole thing He will see me thru it all. good bad or indifferent... lol

Got food things lined up now just trying to stay out of the temptation to have a "last" anything...

have been thinking about banana bread and other things that are NOT on my program..."comfort" food... yeah.......

Dear Lord...please be my comfort in this time please fill the hole that is craving comfort. Fill ME Lord with your goodness and love .

like a crazy woman!!

I've been moving like a crazy woman these last days ...trying to get Christmas bought and things cleaned and straightened and my food under control and keep up my exercise and wow by the time I have this surgery I will need to just lay around to recover from all of this!!

It has been weird to be buying Chiristmas before Thanksgiving and it will be even weirder to have it all wrapped and under the tree and the house all decorated before DEC 1st!

but get it done I must and will!!!

Josh and Lauren Engagement pictures... by me...

I shot Josh and Lauren's engagement pictures...I think I did a pretty good job...and she liked them sooo hey batting 2 for 2!! We shot at the Art Museum it was iffy with their new photog policy in effect...but hey the worst they would do is throw us out!! And that didn't happen! So here are the pics enjoy!

ok this one was just for fun!!

Happy Birthday to ME!

yup it's my birthday gonna party ...it's my birthday ..gonna party...lol

nahhh not really just happy with the blessings I have in this life and so grateful to my friends and family.

It is a beautiful November day out so going to grab my ipod and take a nice fast long walk get in a little extra exercise today and count my blessings . I am on the move to get things done before my upcoming surgery I have started the Christmas shopping and have been cleaning up my little messes in the closets and storage room ect... Next thing will be cleaning the house good . you know really cleaning it not just the surface but deep clean! Maybe get my hubby to get the windows all cleaned!

God is speaking into my life on so many things it is hard sometimes to wrap my brain around His goodness and His care of me! I am so pleased that I am able to please Him thru my abstinence that I am able to worship Him without the specter of the addiction looming over me standing between Him and me .

I am looking out the window and seeing the trees that are the color of Topaz which is my birthstone color and realizing that these warm oranges and deep yellows and reds are the colors of my soul... the only thing missing is the purples!! But as I look at the colors and read all the birthday messages today my heart is overflowing with love and gratitude of my friends and my family. And I do truly miss the ones who are missing . I pray for him and his family today - that they will find reconciliation with God and within our family. My heart grieves for his soul and I pray for him daily - but I know it is not anything I can do . He needs to come to the saving reconciliation of Christ in his life . I grieve that he is not a Christian and pray he comes to Christ.

So for today tho I am making my gratitude my attitude ! I am abstinent today by the Grace of God the strength of Jesus being my everything and the fellowship I share in OA

Happy 51st birthday to me!

what's important.....

Ok now don't anyone freak out about this post it's just something that's been on my mind for a while I am not planning on kicking the bucket anytime soon...but hey we never know when He will call us home and well...I like to be prepared...haha

Several years ago when I was so involved in many groups clubs organizations it seemed important to want to list them all so if I died they would all get honorable mention...you know like Pres. of Mothers of Twins club mem chair VP and picnic committee chair and there was PTO fundraiser chair VP and then Pres. ( or maybe not VP - I think I went straight to Pres...lol) there was Girl Scouts troop leader of 1480 and troop9 and Service unit chair of father daughter dance and cookie chair and PTL pres (at Emmaus Lutheran) head lice checker and other things...lol

Church committees PPRC Chair... and woman's groups did it all....ran it all... I never just belonged I had to run it. Big Sister for years thru Big Bro/ Big sis. org Involved with the EMMAUS org ( not school ) blablaba my coming met my going most of the time ---where is the eternal value in any of that busy work??

lol then as my life has evolved and my priorities have changed like

I met Jesus head on and my life changed.... my idea of what should go in an obit has changed...what I have done pish it's nothing who cares....And for a couple of years now I have told Scott and the kids that when I die list the family and then my cause of death ---yup I want them to be sure and put in my obit and even on my headstone this is what I died of and then add in parenthesis (Because she knew you would want to know!)

Of course I still like this idea...I was reading obits which I have always done and thought oh my gosh who writes these things they sound so lame ! So then I have been thinking well..hurumpf I'll have Jessica write mine she is a good writer no lame stupidly written obit for me!! Ok that's silly I know but read a few they are awful!!

And here recently as my heart is growing with Him more and more it came to me seriously what is it I want to be known for in my life is it my club work or my God work..well duh the only thing that is of any importance in my life's doings is that I LOVED JESUS with all my heart ...yup that's it...nothing else matters... not who birthed me nor whom I have birthed... not anything I have ran or belonged to nope the only thing that is of any importance is that I loved Jesus.

Of course with those thoughts in my head I was thinking of Pastor Dan and Pastor Carol preaching at my funeral and what I got a picture of is gathering all of my friends and family in a huge room...yeah I got a lot of both and then baring the door having some large men in black suites and sunglasses stand guard at the door maybe Scott Chandler in full police riot gear and tazer...hahaha and then letting Pastor Dan and Pastor Carol preach the word preach the message of LIFE to those who truly need to hear it and not the nicety nice junk nope the TRUE word of God that there is only ONE way to heaven that is thru Jesus Christ and you wanna life a sin filled life doing what you want living a homosexual life style or belonging to groups that declare a Master different then Jesus or addicted ( having idols where does your heart lay?) or in adultery or trying to wrap all your friends beliefs in a nice little mix of religions so we can all just get along-- or just plain lukewarm Christianity -- remember this HE will spew you from His mouth .( back to the Jesus vomit..)

So yeah I still want them to add why I am dead.. you know hit by a bus or cancer or old age...but the rest? Really all that is important is that they know I loved Jesus with all my heart all my soul and all my mind. And they need to love Jesus too.

character defects,,,blech,,,

ok it has been brought to my attention that I use the word REALLY a little too much and how am I using it? Well so I needed to look at that this week and figure it out am I using it to be funny or just how??

So I thought about it and how I have been using it and it is sometimes for humor but in this last week and honestly anytime I use it I am being sarcastic...

So looking up sarcasm-" it is passive aggressive a desire to attack while cloaking it in humor or just plain obfuscation......" (which means... to confuse, bewilder, or stupefy to make obscure or unclear)

"Sarcasm can be the result of bitterness and resentment towards a person at whom the sarcasm is directed or sometimes just bitterness towards life its self... - it isn't the sarcasm that's bad rather what causes it to be used."

Another thing I read about it is " the use of sarcasm is hiding behind a mask of inability to address something directly- honestly-objectively -"

Sarcasm - root of the word is to tear flesh-- OUCH!!!

so now I know...and in this past week I believe I was using it at God... imagine that me being passive aggressive towards God?! ahhhch

that's no way to be to anyone let alone God!! I used to be quite the sarcastic girl...coulda been my middle name and yes I will admit I wanted to tear that flesh at the person I was most sarcastic to. But as I went thru some healing and got better the flesh tearing had ceased... yet it apparently has creep-ed back even tho that person is no longer in my life. why? whats up with me and what gives to be sarcastic to GOD?? after all HE has done and is still healing in my life ?

So while I was a little taken aback when my sponsor asked me about that when I go back to my last blog post and see what I had been talking about and who I was saying it to... ummm REALLY??? ok thats funny and towards myself just had to say it but totally gotta stop no sense in tearing my own flesh ... So I need to change that little trait get out of my habits and look at the bitterness issue and how and who I've been sarcastic to and see is there bitterness in that relationship is there an amends I need to make to that person or a relationship I need to look at?

And if I am being sarcastic towards God then do I not have to address my arrogance ? Humble myself before Him and know He is God.

And even tho sarcasm can be used in humor that's not been my MO - i think it was most on target with the tearing of flesh.... sighhhh

so lets see that's sarcasm and arrogance ... 2 offenses at God ...yeah .... ok I got some work to do here...

Jesus Vomit = Luke warm Christians....

yeahhhh so Reading the Crazy Love and the Chapter on lukewarm Christians and realizing if we are not passionately living for Him and willing to give up things that are important for HIM then we are lukewarm Christians... and yes that's me too ,.,, how many times do I feel His nudging about prayer or reading scripture or even calling someone to give encouragement but I don't want to I would rather Facebook or watch TV or read a book or or or...yeah i can come up with a thousand different things to do .

This week I quit Bible Study Fellowship because I don't think that BSF is where God wants me and it was hard there is a Tuesday group at our church so I felt like I should go there and today I did. They are doing Beth Moore study on David awesome love Beth Moore love David so it's all good right? yeahhh I did the 4 weeks of study in one day (ya know Beth Moore studies are like dog years compared to other studies 4 weeks that's 20 days worth of stuff in 7 hours... WHO KNEW??!! that I could work like that! ) and I got caught up with the exception of the videos and was so darn excited to go to class and hear what God had for us today in this work I mean come on it is DAVID!! And no it was weak in insipid - oh The video was great but we might as well have done no discussion we practically didn't do any at all... I left the church crying out to God----REALLY GOD??? THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO INSTEAD OF BSF? SERIOUSLY?? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?? WHAT IS IT YOU WANT FROM ME IN THIS?

And there is the crux of it He wants my obedience it is not for me to like it it is not for me to figure it all out in this one thing it is for me to say ok Lord you are God you got this you just need me to be there if you are going to work thru me and in me I gotta be there .

So yeah I did 4 weeks in 1 day but that really ? was my fault God told me last May I was not to do BSF and to do this Tuesday study I didn't listen i was not obedient so if that's what I needed to do there's no joy in the doing that it was hard and I could hardly see last night !

So today I am practicing my obedience walk and today I am in this Bible study...And next week ...well who knows what next week will bring .... I just gotta show up.

Listening to God....

Today I am practicing my Crazy Love skills...Crazy Love for God... Crazy Love for Jesus... Crazy Love for others. Spending more time with Him,...reading His words to me - shutting up and listening for His voice... Praying for others.

I have heard Him speak about Bible Study Fellowship I was so not gonna go this year then as it got closer I thought oh really what the heck it is Acts...I did that 7 years ago maybe I need to do it again and then of course there's the lectures by Ann which I love and after there's lunch ! Cher Michele and Carol we go to eat and have a great time. Wonderful Christian fellowship with women I love, So whats wrong with THAT?

Nothing if that's where you are supposed to be. And unfortunately I do not think that's where I am supposed to be. I loved loved BSF the last few years yet this year so far it has been dull...the lessons the lectures...group is fine normally It takes a while for me to like or dislike the groups..lol but this year I really do not care,,, I am not even the group secretary which I've done for the last 4 years it was just kinda like i am not there, maybe because I am not supposed to be.

Anyway today I will clean my house and pray and listen for an answer on do I stay in BSF... or move on and if I am moving on Where am I moving on to??

The crazy thing is the post before this on Wednesday about the m&ms that's what THAT was all about I came home from BSF and was unsettled and instead of checking in and seeing hey whats the deal I wanted to bury it . I like my Tuesdays... my Ann lectures...My lunch with my friends...

Be still and listen....

Ha l laugh in the face of Peanut M&M's...

oh Lord please take from me this stupid addiction which creates an IDOL in my life.

yesterday as I was sitting idly around just watching TV when i have a list of things to do I became obsessed with peanut m&ms.,..now what you may or may not know about me is I am a Hershey's chocolate eater peanut m&ms are good but not my favorite...yet there were those Girl Scout camps that I always had peanut M&Ms in my pocket coz...well they just didn't melt like a Hershey bar would!! LOL

Now this is the insane part of this disease...I am working on 12 months of food abstinence,,,from Sugar and compulsive eating WHY would I break that for a food that is NOT my favorite??? To me this is the CRAZY part of this,

SO back to yesterday I was thinking I would just go to the store and buy a small bag of course my mind was not seeing any bags smaller then a pounder bag and frankly even that-- had I cracked that nut --would NOT have been big enough.
That's just it with this food addiction never is there enough. not one bite not one small bag not a pounder bag,,,it will never EVER be enough.

How does this translate into an IDOL? You know like those talked about in Exodus and Isaiah...well it is because I am feeling anxiety and discomfort and at odds within myself and I am seeking something outside of GOD out side of Jesus whom I claim to be my LORD ...for comfort.
I am looking to my IDOL of food to comfort me to sooth my feelings...

Smashing that IDOL on the side of the road... seeing HIM as my LORD and never food....

Thank you Lord Jesus for your love and your patience .

focus...focus...

these last few days my focus has been off...

and as I was trying to decipher my mood and why it was not so cheerful I realized I had lost my focus...

my Jesus Focus... I had apparently taken my eyes off of Him and put them onto myself... onto my life... onto my problems... onto my addiction.,..it really matters not what I put my focus on BUT the fact that HE is not my focus that's the trouble.

Somehow the big ME has gotten in my spiritual focus -- so back into nothingness I go.... less of me more of Him..............................

................. less and less and less of me....

addicted mind.....

the life of an addicted mind...is this--

there is cake in my kitchen ,...in my mind I have had the cake in my hands in my mouth savored it swallowed it eaten it all stuffed it down the first swallows brings the relief of the feelings of aggravation at being abandoned and not good enough this morning....the second swallows brings the shame of weakness and the rest not even tasting it as it goes down eating and not tasting because the food drug has done its work at numbing the feelings of my heart .

instead of doing this -- today I will call on God He is my Savior my Redeemer He will lift me up make me whole He is my EVERYTHING - thru Him I can feel good enough I am not abandoned-

it's hard to face all those feelings and cake first thing in the morning before 8 am...

but it is awesome that Jesus doesn't sleep in He is always there for me!

and the cake? yeah it will be heading down the garbage disposal ...

stupid cake.

end times.......

end times you hear this and think it is about Jesus coming back which I am good with that...but thats not what I want to talk about today--


end times like the end of childhood...


the end of things as we know it...


the end of a good book


the end of a bad time in your life...


endings are hard sometimes even when they are good endings


the end of how we have always done things...


the end of the money...


the end of a relationship ...


the end of the loaf of bread...


all these things can cause anxiety.. sadness... eating...


the end of our parents being parents truly means the ending of our own childhoods...


BUT....


then there are beginnings because every time there is an end there will be a new beginning of something


the end of your childhood means the beginning for better or worse of your adulthood


the beginning of a new loaf of bread means fresh bread!


The beginning of a paycheck is all the promises to spend better this month


the beginning a relationship means the fresh promises of something new and exciting


the beginning of a new way to do things can mean shaping the way things go blending old with new


the beginning of a new time in your life after a bad time has ended means you are wiser and more sure of what shouldn't happen and more sure when its right


the beginning of a new book...is a new plan of escape for an hour a new bout of knowledge to store for the future ..


Beginnings like new rain helps growth both spiritual and physical - mental and emotional...

It's time for a new beginning...

wow ...Beautiful Savior...

taking some time this morning to shut up and listen to God to not give my "list" of requests but to hear HIM - hear His word for me

to humble myself before HIM the awesome powerful mighty counselor~ healer~ redeemer., To go back into my history and realize my healing journey began 9 years ago and that somehow with the everyday living of life I have forgotten the wondrous miraculous healing of my soul.

Why am I still in this wilderness ? The Lord showed me that when HE put me in this wilderness the trees were lush and thick and green that was to keep me sheltered and hidden and quiet ... but that shelter has long since withered and the trees have grown dry and brittle the leaves and the pine needles have long since dried and dropped to the ground. Yet here I am still in the wilderness not searching for His direction not working for His kingdom just sitting alongside the dry and brittle debris in the dead wilderness. Does this not also indicate a dead and brittle me?

I have the notes ~ the poems ~ I have the Words He has spoken to me written down and stored away -not in my heart but in a cabinet .

So out with the notes back into the reading I go time to take HIS words to me to heart.

Time to self publish the poems time to come out of this dead wilderness and back into HIM . To HIS shady restful spot . Using the shelter of His wings as my shade using His words to quench my hunger and thirst. And His direction to determine where I am to go what I am to do,

Yeah this is chapter 1 of crazy love.

it terrifies me and excites me all at once But I realize whats been missing in these last few years of my spiritual journey. I have been living a hollow Christian life - living in the shell that once was me - time to plug back in to my power source . Dig out the notes and lessons He gave me as He put me back to wholeness... Time to fill the shell once so full~ now so empty~ back to fullness once again only this time full of Him -

Crazy Love is really not so crazy it is right .

hidy- ho neighbor....

lol just cruisen thru the neighborhood today without my dog...she is at the trailer with Scott getting it ready for the weekend! hopefully they will get the AC fixed and we can go down.

my back pain is getting the best of me - I am not sure what to do but I am going to have to go back to the Doctor and address it this last pain epidural shot did NOTHING but surgery gahhhhh

never a good time for that.

Ok God gonna have to give this one to you!

get me over it or get me thru it!

monday monday

wow what a great weekend we had with the kids here on Sunday for family birthday dinner we watched old movies of the kids and I got a program to transfer video to disc...so we might be watching many more!!! lol

My food has not been good... wonder if that has anything to do with not turning in my food to my food sponsor...lol Really it has been very hard these last few days ...even weeks but i 've not really been exercising and that's a problem too ,,,so now that school is in and before BSF starts I REALLY need to get back into a good health routine. It';s not hard to keep it going but man oh man so hard to get back started again. This struggle with food addiction is hard~ it is very hard. But I know God is on my side He wants no idols in my life nothing I should be leaning on except Him . So when food is put into the Idol category it gives it a different flavor entirely

there are so many little things I need to get done to just maintenance things... like my storage room is getting messy and things just need to have a home or go!
So yeah I am gonna commit to whomever reads this that I will get back starting today of my 30 min a day exercise and to getting those behind the scenes areas cleaned up! After all Christmas is gonna be here before we know it!!

So heres to the last weeks of Summer a good time to clean up many areas of my life before Fall...
what can you change in your life for the better?? hummmm?

saturday in the park,.,,

well it is Saturday ...lol and whats on for today at this point I've wasted 3 hours on the computer so not being productive!!
This last week has been full of school stuff games consession stand cleaning out Priscilla mom's house and dealing with family and today I just really want to do nothing - today I really just want to eat... Today I would kill for a chocolate bar.... being an addict sucks seeing normal looking (sized) people in stores picking up those foods sweets that I know I cant have ...sighhh it is hard. I see cookies I know I want to eat them all...


for today I think I need to use some tools like going to the Lord seeking His Grace His peace using the tool of writing to see what is the emotions I am trying to block - why has this last week ,,,last 2 weeks been filled with food cravings food obsessions food craziness,,, I am holding onto my abstinence but just only...





there has to be a root cause that my craziness has come back some feeling of abandonment some feeling of not good enough or just that I am not enough .





Dear Lord please remove this crazy obsession in my brain. amen

after 21 years...

wow today is my last "first day of school" day! I've done 1st days since 1990...when Jes started pk 3 - every fall has been bitter sweet...sending my child then children and now back to child off on the first day of school... 21 years of firstdays .

My life is about to totally change and I'm not sure what that means for me or what it should look like after this year with Jen graduating in 2012...
I've been thebizymom for so many years yet these last few have slowed down a bunch I still have job security with Laundry to do lunch and dinners to make ... a kid to get out the door on time and a house that stays messy when she is here!

So as the year progresses the questions come...whats Jen gonna do next year and what are YOU going to do next year... good question and one I do not have to think about today...for today I am just gonna be in today.

And today there is sadness that this last chapter of child raising is in the beginning stages of coming to a close and just for today I will feel the sadness as it hits and not try to bury it or eat it or deny my sadness at my babies growing up . And there is joy too for getting this far ! It was so hard to imagine this day 13 years ago when Jen started Pk 3 and life then was crazy with 4 kids at home and school starting and sports and scouts and sleepovers and all the wonderful things that came and went in the years of kid raising.

just for today I am gonna smile at the memories cry at the memories and look forward to living this year in the present.

Thank you Lord for the healing touch you give

hot summer in the city

well here it is the middle of July and barely that even -

it has been hot hot hot -

my blood pressure has been high high high yeah summer in the city...

It has been a learning experience for me in the thinking about acceptance and the things I can and can't change...my health is certainly something i can change yet also something I can not control.

How can I accept where I am at -at this point ? I am doing all the right things I have been off sugar and have not compulsively eaten in 9 months ...(well almost,,,lol) and this last 2 weeks my blood pressure has been recorded as high as 238/110 stroke levels for sure. And this really sucks because I've come so far and now for this to happen in my recovery just makes me want to scream.

Back to the acceptance part- accepting that stuff happens and I can't control it - and even when your doing the right things a piano can drop at anytime- and crush you- well OK that's a bit dramatic but you get the picture . And that's where the acceptance comes in- accepting the piano and finding a tune you can live with.

So back to the Blood Pressure thing I've added 2 new medicines I've had the other one increased another one changed around and now I have to wait and see what happens. And be in a place of calm acceptance.

What happens happens, God has me in His control...and like Pastor Dan says he /she who see's Jesus first wins! whooo hooo!

an unatural high....

yeah sounds like something wicked,...and I suppose it is it is my stupid blood pressure! All weekend it has been sky high and now as I type my vision is blurry a bit -

rainy day thoughts

looking out the window into the dreary grey rainy day hearing the low rumble of thunder it is comforting to be inside curled up on the couch with my lap top and the peace and quiet of the house.

Thinking about my life thinking about where I am going in these next years of my life as Jen is heading into her senior year. My email name will be changing I suppose ... thebizymom will not be so busy in the coming years!And while it is sad to see my babies growing up and I miss those moments of toddler tickles and laughs -it is awesome to see the young men and women they are becoming.

So what about me who shall I be in this next stage of my life? where will God use me? I have friends who have gone to school... I don't see that for me-not that I am stupid but really,,due to the realities of my life I missed so much of school when i was there that to go back to school...I am just not feeling it!

Photographer...cake lady...organiser... comedian are all things that people tell me I should be! ha seriously all I ever wanted to be was a mom..a wife ..someone who can make a difference in someones life-

I guess the key to being happy and successful in this next phase of my life is to listen to God... to be still ... and REALLY listen to Him. He knows what He wants for me for my life...I need to seek Him and listen.

........................................................................shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................................................

the life of an addict

yeah seeing commercials for the show intervention... how alcoholics & drug addicts have people intervene to save them...from a certain death . Yet millions of obese people are offered more more more food everyday....by well meaning loving family and friends...no interventions...and just as certain death.

Why is it no one thinks to ask the obese person if there's a problem they just assume that they have no will power that if they had a little bit of control they could whip this problem and lose the weight.

They have no clue how the food obsession works in a food addicts brain how the addicts brain can't stop thinking about everyday items such as brownies cakes cookies how one taste of sugary treats can send one off on a binge . How even one bite can trigger weeks of obsession - how the smell of cookies the sight of cake in the kitchen and you can't concentrate all you see or think about is how can you eat it. To know you are powerless over a sweet.

An alcoholic can go out to eat and there is no alcohol... a drug addict can go out to eat and no drugs,,,a food addict goes out to eat and there it is something sweet something gooey something that will stay in your mind in your dreams for weeks if you eat even a nibble....

Please -stop allowing your family and friends to kill themselves....stop helping them stop offering them the knife , fork and spoon to do it with.

life on the road..

we leave tomorrow for Shipshewanna to see pie ,the flea markets and auction and shops and pie and did I mention there's gonna be pie there???

yeah as an addict addicted to sugar that leaves pie out of my vacation equation - and the Amish do not do the whole picture thing so there goes my camera fun.... sighhh they better have the booths with the designer perfumes... thats all I am saying

and really I might snap a picture or 2 of the Amish...and if I do there better not be a ruckus coz I am not eating any pie!!! LOL

Jen is going with us she has never been there and we haven't really ever been on vacation with just her...she isn't taking a friend so it is just us I think it will be nice!

grateful girl rambling...

I am a grateful girl yes indeed!
nothing big has happened in fact in this food addiction I am struggling - in this pain I am struggling - but for right now this day this minute ..
I am grateful! To my Lord. He has done so much for me in my life and continues to even when I am not so grateful.

I read the book Heaven is for real---it was very good and warmed my heart- made me remember my healing journey with Jesus- wow If you haven't read the book then get it read it-it was a quick 2 hour read- easy writing- and the story is one that while it is easy to read there is a lot to ponder in it. I will probably read thru it again just to delight in his descriptions of heaven.

Do i believe it? you betcha! it was chilling at times his descriptions...so pure - and his insistence that Jesus loves children...and that you have to be saved to go to Heaven -
Jesus loving the children.... yes indeed He does! After reading the book my heart is filled to overflowing with His love for me for us-

He held her little hand
as she walked thru the life drama
He held her small face
as she cried about the sexual trauma
He lifted her up and held her tight
As the healing journey's end was in sight
He sat her down and said it is done
as she and the woman merged into one.
He holds her bigger hand....
ks2011©

what a day for a day dream....

ha seems like a great idea! day for a day dream... yesterday I was a busy girl today umm not so much I am however exhausted!
Did some prayer warrior stuff thru Lutheran High School...annointed rooms desks teachers (2!)
and then left there and hit church where we had a 1st responders dinner and worked that taking pictures and talking to the people there. It was fun! but now today I am worn out.

forgot how much spiritual warfare takes out of you today I need to relax and recharge...
spend some quiet time with Jesus,
thats what is good for my soul

issshhh

gosh a lot has been happening - at school we have had some meetings and are losing some teachers it seems as if God has been taken out of the midst but I am determined God is staying in the mix!! anyways I am up to my neck in it lol but it is all good coz what I am doing is all Gods...so there ya go I am just a warrior in prayer -

lets see--- walking and adding some little jogs into it... yeah! for real! no i can say I do not think ill ever be a runner but adding the jog intervals really gets my heart rate up!!
had to go back to get another epidural for my back so the nerve pain is gone again yeah!

and im down 45 pounds!! yeah!! Ill have to do some measuring ..I have some old measurements people think I have lost more then the scale is showing so must be losing some inches!!

And I signed up for a photo shop class...i have a great tutorial book here alot like they will use in class so between now and july i need to get to work shooting in some manual modes and learning a bit more about Photo shop so i am not a complete idiot and the teaching he gives might have beeter chance of sticking!!!

ok thats all i got for now! have a God pleasing day!

change and growth

you know life is all about change and growth -- if you are not changing and growing then you are dead...LOL
Christian life is all about changing and growing - changing in Christ - growing in Him ..
are you seeing that change and growth in your life?

Are you in Bible study- in the word daily can people tell your God's girl or boy by the way you live or are they quite surprised at the end of the day to find out you are a Christian? I am thinking if they are surprised then someday when your "called up yonder..." you may be the one surprised. and that is scary! People think oh we got time Jesus isn't coming today... He won't come in MY life time 2 things wrong with that ! we do not know when the END of our life time is and we don't know when Jesus is coming back. so don't be dressed wrong for the surprise party people... get up every day go to bed every night in the Gospel clothing of Christ and live each day knowing your dressed in Him and covered by His grace His mercy.
And on that note it's time for me to go to Him seek His wisdom -
signed Kim ---God's girl

Silly Rabbit....... Easter is for Jesus!!

Its not about the baskets with the candy eggs inside
Nope the Easter Bunny has nothing to do with why my jesus died
It isnt about the new dress or the shiny pretty new shoes
It was about following His Fathers will and Jesus got to choose
It's not about the Easter gatherings of family and good friends
Nope that's not the reason His life had to come to a horrable end
It's not about Chocolate bunnies or jellybeans or peeps
it's all about God's salvation plan for us to be His for keeps
So have fun with your Easter basket and with your fine new clothes
Just understand the cost and reason of why on Calvery His blood flows
It's for each and everyone of us to join Him in a Glorious Heavenly end
It's to celebrate the wonderous day when Jesus rose again!
KimShepherd2011

Retreat weekend

went to the OA retreat this weekend it was good - it was fun and great to connect with people. my OA thing is God putting me out in the world.... example-- a guy there was in loud conversation with another guy about God... and people -more specifically CHRISTIANS...trying to convert him...he apparently was born Jewish and wants to argue the whole - how can it be truth that you have to know Jesus to get into heaven.what about all those who died before Jesus was born.....well derr... read the Bible those like Abraham and Noah and David and lots of other people understood what was written and the messianic promise ... oh wait AND there was the whole sacrificial thing going on. you know dove cow chicken...ok anyways ... the funny part of his conversation was ,....He told the man he was talking to.. that he was trying to convince the friend of his who was evangelising that he didn't believe and the Bible was not written by Gods hand the only thing EVER to be written by Gods hand....is the 10 commandments... uhhh yeahhhh I am thinking ---- how do you know about that were you there ? is there pictures oh oh wait you KNOW because SOME man wrote it down in the BIBLE!!! LOL So how do you believe THAT part of man writing it down and not the rest??? ahhhh it has been so long since I was out in the WORLD away from my Christian friends - it is a challenge and I guess that's why He has put me there. Gotta love my Jesus!!!

6 months food sobriety

yup I am at the 6 months mark...of no sugar no compulsive eating...how has it changed my life?

hummm that's a great question and what I can see is some of the craziness that comes from sugar highs and lows is gone that the numbed out feeling when a crisis comes a knocking is gone and left in it's place is the emotions of life.

the feelings that I thought would surly kill me now pop up with regularity and splash across my life with big drips of color- blue for sadness~ orange for pain ~red for anger ~pink for embarrassment~ purple for happiness and black for depression ~gray for shame ~

my rainbow of feelings comes softly at times and in torrents like a hard thunderstorm at others ... sometimes it is quiet and hardly noticeable and at other times the colors of life's feelings leave me shaking and scared ...what color is fear ? yellow maybe ...not like a coward but yellow like fire -yellow molten fire like the sun- fear that burns my life..fear of failure, fear of not being enough, fear of whats next in my life. yellow should be a happy color instead it is the color of molten fire because the way a fire feeds on the kindling and wood is how fear feeds on my life it starts out small and can rage in minutes. Taking away my peace my serenity.

6 months of food sobriety ...6 months of handling life's pains and joys and sorrows without food to buffer the feelings.

6 months of food sobriety ...it is good.

His Amazing Grace

Wow how can you use human words to describe His amazing Grace to us? Jesus is my everything it has taken me a long time to get that - My heart is full of the Love He has for us the healing He has given me the tracks in my life He has put me on... Last night at a meeting well afterwords - a gal was really hard on the anyone talking Jesus at a meeting that since God is in the big book she wont say nothing about that but it is a pinch to her to have anyone else mentioned... well Here's the thing missy....I can't ever talk about my great progress in program without mentioning Jesus HE is my Lord and my Savior... Program is good but God and Jesus are GREAT!!! LOL

humility

yeah this sucks ...no really ...I have been craving sugar craving candy thinking about some cookies thinking it is ok to have one- a bite- a box...and thats when you have to stop and say whats up .... And whats up is step 9 --- and making amends-- it takes humility to understand the pain you have caused in someone else while in your own compulsion -your own disease....now coz it is a disease you think you might feel hey I couldn't control it ... no I couldn't and I also couldn't control the things that went on in my early life that helped feed this disease... BUT the pain that my disease has put on others namely my husband and kids...well even tho it is a disease and all I still have to take responsibility and apologize...make amends to those I have hurt..while being in the food. Being in the food gives you a warped perspective of the world ...you are in your food world the hiding of food the stashing the sneaking the emotions you don't have because good or bad they are numbed with the food . where the humility comes in is you see I have some idea of how this disease has hurt my family...but not what their feelings are where have they been hurt what pain has this caused them? And I have no control over what they may say or how it may hurt me and worst is i can not go back and change things... what am i hoping for? that they will say oh mom you were great nothing of your disease touched us...ha I know thats not truth so guess I have to put on my big girl panties and suck it up and get on with it can't be stuck on step 9 for the rest of my life...gotta keep moving .....................

whack a mole....

yeah at the meeting today reading out of the 12& 12 - 4th step-- the sentence was (paraphrased...) we have to change our thinking during emotional events in our lives and how we are going to react to them...
And God gave me a picture of my life before was kinda like that whack a mole game and I was the mole the emotional events ~ were the club...So i would stick my head up and whack right in the head with the club of lifes emotional events and I could not control it no matter where I popped up~ whack again...now in recovery and thru my Dave counseling but ok mostly thru Jesus -I see with JESUS - I got a helmet on now ...ha I STILL can not control these emotional whacks they hit when they hit but with MY JESUS ARMOR on I am protected...
So still playing the Whack a mole game of life but with a helmet on!! hahaha

The true costs of this disease

you know people think well eating disorder once you get it knocked out you just start saving money right and left - not eating so much has to help the budget right? And yes it does but the true costs of this disease is staggering. this is gonna get kinda graphic so hang on....

because of the disease- I have spent countless dollars on diets and dieting things none of the "programs" were cheap- from optifast to hospital programs to weight watchers again and again .Jenny craig ...there was the gastric banding surgery in 97...then the surgery in 2006 to correct the problem (the band broke ) the scopes to diagnose it the xrays the CT scans the toxic radioactive food swallow stuff to check food flow... the new scopes to fix the scar tissue and now tomorrow another scope once again because the scar tissue is closing the hole - (the hole is the part that the ring was around to restrict the food flow you see the staple line is still in bedded in my stomach the ring that broke and sent me into atrial fib (yup ATRIAL FIB from this disease....CRAZY ) is now gone but that area of my stomach wants to close up which in turn makes eating solid foods hard to digest because they go nowhere... funny thing about our stomachs they are not made to digest food in the upper quadrant ...the high blood pressure the Diabetes .. the meds... the Cpap machine ....
of course the ugly part of this disease of mine was the bulimia...fix a meal or buy a meal eat until full then throw it up ..sometimes to eat more ..how many steak dinners were flushed I have no idea... I do know doing that ruined my teeth so now they have been fixed- and 4 pulled - replaced with expensive implants... all in the name of Food addiction -

and people think I just like to eat...really? I do not like it really but I want it I crave it and at times in my life I thought I needed it~ needed it to make me whole~ needed it to comfort me
~needed it to see me thru~ needed it to hurt me ---

this is the crazy life of addiction it moves in and takes over your life until it is destroyed,,,,

Praise Jesus that I am getting free of this .

the down side is the costs are still adding up the consequences are still there ...

HA!

Yeah...you know I hate it when you keep trying to not hear the message that God is giving you because you want the message that you want to follow... see in this life in OA I have been trying grumbly mumbly about a few things one of them is my sponser- wha wha wha I don't think she is there for me like I want her to be yeah well what I am hearing from God is to stop it stop searching I knew she my sponser was HIS choice for ne abd I think the reason why is actually her lack of time ...see I am a compulsive person and I would lean wayyy to much on someone to hve them give me what HE the Lord should be giving me it goes back to the Jesus needs to be my everything not food not sponser not programm JESUS same old message Kim ...and I guess I better be getting it The Lord has let me out of the trunk and into the backseat with Him leading me if I ever expect to make it to shotgun...I better lean on HIM for my EVERYTHING!

I also was thinking about trying to go to Celebrating recovery instead of Over eaters Annon. Why>? coz people are not Christians...well ok I have controlled my life pretty well these last 20 years or so I don't hang with people I don't like I don't hang with people of different values then mine I am pretty much all the time in a Christan environment. EXCEPT at OA...yeah those lost people call God their HP... HP to me is my printer ..oh I also had an HP camera once...higher power whom they chose to call...soda pop or whatever...seriously? His NAME IS God or I AM or
Yahweh- He wrote it down for us... come on people - anyway I am getting the message thru events and sermons and such that God isn't letting me out of OA coz there are not many Christians...nope HE is keeping me there because there are not many Christians... go figure...
So this success of mine is not mine it isn't through the power of some vague higher power nope my success is thru GOD the one and only ...Ok I am slow but I get it God...I am getting it loud and clear.
ha and for the record everytime I have written Christian I have to sing the "I am a C "song to spell it right! See it isn't on my own abilities I succeed it is thru God and only thru Him I get anything done!!

NO...I didn't fall off the edge of the world...LOL

wow it has been forever since I wrote anything and actually I am doing pretty well...
Went to the cardiac doctor today and she was very happy at my 30 pound weight loss.
Yup thats right 30 pounds gone not fast pounds not regular pounds nope these are DOCTOR pounds...meaning on HER scales from when I was there 6 months ago I am 30 pounds lighter. Now we women understand the significance in Dr pounds vs reguler pounds and fast pounds vs real pounds....
Fast pounds are the 5 pounds of water weight you lose on the 1st week of weight watchers...
Doctor pounds is when the doctor scales show the same loss as your scales at home - this is significant becasue we all know at home we weight naked after we have emptied our bodies of every thing we can and certanly before we have filled them with any sort of "light" meal...LOL
Dr pounds are usually done in the hall way at the office with all our clothes on tho usually not our shoes... and those clothes are usually well chosen...light weight clothing not chosen for weather (tho today is a nice day!>>> ) but chosen for weight...LOL and at home we have adjusted the little needle thing probably to be just "this" side of the "0" you know the left side...LOL
real pounds are those hard lost pounds those pounds of fat sweated off suffered thru ....the life style changed meals and the hard pounding of the feet.... REAL pounds...

Things I am leaning 2011

Wow it has been quite a journey these last few years - but especially this last year of being -admitting- surrendering to this addiction of food-So some of these revelations have maybe been mentioned in other past blogging of mine but here they are in totality ...

~*~My feelings won't kill me! yes that is truth I used to be under the grand illusion that if IF I would let myself feel the horror the sadness the pain of MY life I would surly die. That's right my own arrogance suggested that I hold a corner on pain and my pain must be much bigger then most so never ever feel it! And whats a legal way to not feel it? FOOD! Yeahhh wrong,

~*~I need to : A)accept the things I can not change and B) accept that there ARE things I can not change! like say what? I always thought that I had the power to change things that my juggling of feelings family relationships whatever that once again my arrogance allowed me to think I was all powerful ( of course when things went crazy outta control I would eat coz surly my feelings would kill me!

~*~that my cereal bowls are too big...yup you read it right - it was amazing while my Aunt Myra was here she couldn't get over how big our dishes are she wouldn't even use our "big" bowls for her cereal she used the little one cup dessert bowls... Ha who ever thought to measure your dishes ...so in our current dishes to say I had a bowl of cereal means I am REALLY having
2 1/2 servings.. I didn't set out to buy big dishes...but never thought it was odd either..hence the reason I am looking for another set of dishes with smaller sizing. And sadly enough it is difficult.

~*~ I still eat way too fast. Never once has anyone ever taken my food away from me- people in my life may not have liked the amounts or types of food I have eaten but no one has ever taken it from me! yet I eat like any minute now someone will snatch it away- slow down actually chewing my food will probably help my digestive problems!!

~*~ That 16 people do not need 3 ginormous pumpkin pies from Sams club plus other various desserts at Thanksgiving! OK this sounds funny but really I had to call my friend and get a reality check on this one -I had the panicked feeling that oh my gosh we might run out of pumpkin pie- of course I forgot I wasn't eating it - see the formula before was 1 pie was mine -yes it was. the 2nd one we the Family gathered at our tables would eat and the 3rd one would be our left over pie of which I would eat 1/2 of, so yeah we DID used to need 3 pies to ensure anyone else getting any pie!

~*~ that a smallish baked potato is one serving! I know right? ! I was getting out potato's the other night and for the 3 of us I thought maybe I should fix 4 why? so we will have enough! ENOUGH yeah then the Lord opened my eyes to see baked potato's at dinner are a side dish just like green beans or corn. I used to fix JUMBO bakers ! yes as a side dish . WOW no wonder the regular sized looked like it wasn't enough ( probably needed the jumbo ones to fill up the too big plates!!) I have never fixed 2 cans of green beans so there would be enough for the 3 of us!

~*~Natural Sugar from health food store is still SUGAR! Yeah trying to fool my body into thinking stuff like whey low made from milk is not sugar,.,,well unfortunately my body and mind sees it as sugar. And really if I use that whey low or "natural" sugar in a cake I STILL want to face plant and eat the whole thing . I am powerless over sugar! Powerless over food -period the end.

~*~that there has NEVER been anything too sweet or too rich for me to eat a lot of it! yes it has amazed me over the years to see a normal eater take a bite of something and say ohhh wheee that's too rich for me! uh really ? I'll eat it yours - mine -the whole pan! I love love love it the sweeter the richer the better!! If it is too sweet or too rich then you are an amateur!

~*~That I can live on 3 meals a day! shocking I know! wow I was amazed that it can work that way I was convinced as a diabetic there was NO WAY I would ever -EVER be able to do the 3 meals a day thing! And yes some days I need to have a snack to keep my Blood sugar up but there have been actual days where just 3 meals (3 regular meals!) have worked! who knew!! I always figured I NEEDED to mainline food all day to live!!

~*~Feeling full is NOT a signal to eat more! OK OK I know this sounds like well duh... but really for me feeling full either means throw up ( you know so you can eat more yes food addicts do this. it is all about control) or oh my gosh feeling satisfied better eat more coz if you are not feeling discomfort then there must be something wrong. Only addicts think that feeling like CRAP is a good thing. Eating until you are miserable drinking until you black out taking enough drugs to pass out - it is all about making a pain large enough to cover the pain you are currently feeling. You know feeling so full I gotta unbutton my pants =I no longer care about the betrayal in my heart.

~*~ Food is NOT the cure for physical pain. CRAZY I know but when my body hurts I eat- yes I am one of those people who never EVER lost weight with the flu- makes me crazy to hear someone say I was so sick and lost 3 pounds...please! I get sick and gain 5pounds! today my throat hurts all I want to do is eat -surly there is something here food wise that will make it better. I have a surgery -I think I need food for recovery. As a food addict I think food is the cure for everything that hurts. It is crazy to eat your pain away but that's what we try to do.

~*~ Normal people think they must eat dinner before eating something sweet - OK this one knocked me over we had a thing at church and Julie comes into the reception and I say hey want a piece of cake and she says...(wait for it...) NO thanks I haven't had dinner yet. ...yeah ..no really that's what she said and my thinking was SO?WHAT? you see she is a normal eater in a normal sized body who sees food as nutrition so for her she needed to eat good stuff before indulging in sweets to keep her body healthy ! WOW I really wanted to trap her and study her like a bug under a microscope. I mean REALLY pass up cake because theres some meat and veggies waiting somewhere?? My kind of thinking is eat a piece now and take one for later after dinner! But never woulda thought to wait!

OK this is all for now I am sure the Good Lord has more things for me to learn. And let me say these lessons are huge for me - and I hope for other addicts out there.
And I know I am being funny with it but there is real stuff here that I am learning real truths here for me.

snow dayz

well it has been crazy here with snow and ice -tomorrow 'Friday Jen goes back to school with a one hour delay! strange- but there ya go the parking lot is icy the sidewalks too should be interesting! I am not letting Jen drive . Today I worked out in the driveway! chipping and scooping the 1-2 inches of ice it was hard work! My arms are going to be so tired tomorrow .
My food has been good thru this time of being home bound. Mostly because there is not anything here in the house then because I have any power over it. After all I am powerless over food! (Step one....)

I have been making some phone calls still juggling with sponsor issues -

my sister Courtney has been calling I guess her son is in jail again - JD...he stole beer he is on parole and 18...yeahhh not good. Courtney called me because she was afraid she was gonna die in the big historic storm- unfortunately she doesn't accept God well ...so all I told her was turn of the weather channel. I so shoulda told her to trust and rely on Jesus. Next time irregardless of the reception.

lets see... anything else?
nope guess not - I know God is good to get us all safely thru these storms of nature and even better to get us thru the storms of life!

HARD LIFE OF ADDICTION

yeah all in caps... that's how I feel like screaming to the world it's not fair it's not right! I wanna be able to eat the candy and sweets I crave- to be able to eat candy and sweets I want to bathe myself in the sweet smell and texture of the Hershey's chocolate kiss...To be freaking honest I crave that kiss more then any lovers kiss.. The sweet satisfaction that comes in that first bite - the ethereal high that comes in the eating of a bar the numb high that comes from eating a whole bag of kisses...

I am whining I know I am fighting this craving that I don't understand where it has come from - what feelings am I stuffing down that's brought this craving to the top?
Am I sad ? am I happy? am I insecure ? Am I angry? Isn't it just a bit CRAZY that I can not name the feeling yet I can name the cure?
Maybe it is just another burst of acceptance I am feeling and that's what is triggering this crave...acceptance as Valentines creeps slowly closer that this candied holiday for lovers is not going to find it's way to my lips. I
Am I fighting the acceptance that I am an addict -addicted to sugar hard to comprehend? Hard to swallow?
My favorite reading in the Voices of recovery is April23rd...in part it says...I know that God would never hand me anything that would harm me or poison my life.Only the disease does that. Only the disease tells me that poison is a treat.
and that's where I am at today wanting so badly to eat of the poison - someone might say oh Kim that's extreme thinking one or two little Hershey's kisses won't kill you but yes it will because that's the deal it will never be one or two it will end with me losing big time in this life battle of Diabetes and heart disease because it is NEVER EVER just one or two ,it is always ONE BAG OR TWO

Just for today I choose to stay out of the poision.

weekend retreat

Had a great time this weekend at our Scrapbooking retreat! it was awesome to spend time with good friends doing the fun stuff we love!
I got jen's book almost done for 2008 - my room down here in the basement is all cleaned up so I need to un pack and get the book finished!!

I realized that I am missing those times we used to go away to the trailer and to those tournament weekends where I used to sit and crop pictures! None of my pics were cropped or ready ...SO this year I need to get back to that!! cropping those pics I could also come up with title pages too !

I really utilized the cricut this weekend so thats great too...

ok - on my back issue my pain is going back up today my feet are numbish and I an feel the burn a bit in my butt... not sure if it is cause I partially carried stuff and lifting it in and out of car - I truly didn't do a lot ...this morning tho - last night I could feel it was aggrivated...

YAY ME

Yup a yay me post my blog I can say what I like right??!! I got my 90 days food sobriety yesterday 1/11/11 and the back nerve pain is virtually gone at least I am not feeling it! The blood sugar thing may be balancing itself back out now so that would rock too!!

I did the 2 mile high calorie burn walking tape today it has been ages since I did that one -and standing up no longer kills me -which is quite helpful in life to be able to stand up!!
I did go see Brian tho he looked over my MRI and he says absolutely no surgery he said my pedicules are shorted then they are supposed to be it is congenital ( the MRI report said this ) he showed me what that is and that surgery cant really help that... it is like that down my back so really the best thing I can do for this is get this weight off,,,,ok thats what I am doing here!! LOL

This weekend is the scrapbooking weekend and last time we went swore those girls off of sugar then i went and bought big bag of chocolate thats not gonna happen this time!!
so i am going to sit and plan my meals and commit them to my sponsor
thats all I got ..and yeah I am still in yay me mode!!! LOL

it's GREAT when they GET IT!

wow it is good to know -to see when your family GET'S IT!
my dad called me to tell me he was giving his old computer to my brother but he wanted me to know he has had the hard drive scrubbed and actually uninstalled XP and had win 7 installed... WOW thats so huge to me- I know my dad loves me no doubt but didn't always think he got what our stand is with Rick in this thing. BUT he gets it . Yay!!! And yes I felt loved and cherished like a daughter.
maybe I should write him and tell him,,,,yes I think I shall.
My mom on the other hand does not get it and probably never will and yes I know she loves me too but sadly she has never gotten it.

I go for and epidural for my back on Monday a little nervous I have told them about the epinephrine thing and to please not use the lidocaine with epi ...we will see how it goes... I am thinking it is gonna be painful!!
Keeping my eyes on Jesus - meanwhile back at the ranch with little pain meds ( I can't take any NASAIDS= my day pro) it is pain as usual only ramped up a bit!!!

I am keeping my food abstinent and that is whats important here!

Well well well

yeah .got an MRI done on my back and ta da I got some issues...and whats crazy is the pain is the same as it was a month ago but acceptance of the problem makes it hurt a little more...crazy huh?

I will be calling a spine doc to see about some pain relief and what to do about the herniated discs ...... Some of the junk is just gonna be there,

We have had a really great Christmas season and now it is the new year 2011...wow
life has come a long way. Who knew I would be an old lady of 50 with a kid married another one engaged,,,and so on! Who knew that my damaged heart and crazy emotions would be healed by the Lord and that my addiction would be getting handled one day at a time. God is so good in all He does for us and we so do not deserve it,

Tomorrow is Christmas with the Hinshaws,.... my mom and Aunt Sandy uncle George and my kids, Aunt Sandy is not doing so well in the memory dept. she called me 5 times in 30 min to discuss plans... sighhh sad thing really
and Morgan and I had a talk and while we are celebrating her Birthday (which is Dec 26th ) tomorrow I am having her pick her own day for a 1/2 Birthday celebration and we will celebrate her Birthday then!! She seemed agreeable to it.

ok well thats all I got -