Listening to God....

Today I am practicing my Crazy Love skills...Crazy Love for God... Crazy Love for Jesus... Crazy Love for others. Spending more time with Him,...reading His words to me - shutting up and listening for His voice... Praying for others.

I have heard Him speak about Bible Study Fellowship I was so not gonna go this year then as it got closer I thought oh really what the heck it is Acts...I did that 7 years ago maybe I need to do it again and then of course there's the lectures by Ann which I love and after there's lunch ! Cher Michele and Carol we go to eat and have a great time. Wonderful Christian fellowship with women I love, So whats wrong with THAT?

Nothing if that's where you are supposed to be. And unfortunately I do not think that's where I am supposed to be. I loved loved BSF the last few years yet this year so far it has been dull...the lessons the lectures...group is fine normally It takes a while for me to like or dislike the groups..lol but this year I really do not care,,, I am not even the group secretary which I've done for the last 4 years it was just kinda like i am not there, maybe because I am not supposed to be.

Anyway today I will clean my house and pray and listen for an answer on do I stay in BSF... or move on and if I am moving on Where am I moving on to??

The crazy thing is the post before this on Wednesday about the m&ms that's what THAT was all about I came home from BSF and was unsettled and instead of checking in and seeing hey whats the deal I wanted to bury it . I like my Tuesdays... my Ann lectures...My lunch with my friends...

Be still and listen....

Ha l laugh in the face of Peanut M&M's...

oh Lord please take from me this stupid addiction which creates an IDOL in my life.

yesterday as I was sitting idly around just watching TV when i have a list of things to do I became obsessed with peanut m&ms.,..now what you may or may not know about me is I am a Hershey's chocolate eater peanut m&ms are good but not my favorite...yet there were those Girl Scout camps that I always had peanut M&Ms in my pocket coz...well they just didn't melt like a Hershey bar would!! LOL

Now this is the insane part of this disease...I am working on 12 months of food abstinence,,,from Sugar and compulsive eating WHY would I break that for a food that is NOT my favorite??? To me this is the CRAZY part of this,

SO back to yesterday I was thinking I would just go to the store and buy a small bag of course my mind was not seeing any bags smaller then a pounder bag and frankly even that-- had I cracked that nut --would NOT have been big enough.
That's just it with this food addiction never is there enough. not one bite not one small bag not a pounder bag,,,it will never EVER be enough.

How does this translate into an IDOL? You know like those talked about in Exodus and Isaiah...well it is because I am feeling anxiety and discomfort and at odds within myself and I am seeking something outside of GOD out side of Jesus whom I claim to be my LORD ...for comfort.
I am looking to my IDOL of food to comfort me to sooth my feelings...

Smashing that IDOL on the side of the road... seeing HIM as my LORD and never food....

Thank you Lord Jesus for your love and your patience .

focus...focus...

these last few days my focus has been off...

and as I was trying to decipher my mood and why it was not so cheerful I realized I had lost my focus...

my Jesus Focus... I had apparently taken my eyes off of Him and put them onto myself... onto my life... onto my problems... onto my addiction.,..it really matters not what I put my focus on BUT the fact that HE is not my focus that's the trouble.

Somehow the big ME has gotten in my spiritual focus -- so back into nothingness I go.... less of me more of Him..............................

................. less and less and less of me....

addicted mind.....

the life of an addicted mind...is this--

there is cake in my kitchen ,...in my mind I have had the cake in my hands in my mouth savored it swallowed it eaten it all stuffed it down the first swallows brings the relief of the feelings of aggravation at being abandoned and not good enough this morning....the second swallows brings the shame of weakness and the rest not even tasting it as it goes down eating and not tasting because the food drug has done its work at numbing the feelings of my heart .

instead of doing this -- today I will call on God He is my Savior my Redeemer He will lift me up make me whole He is my EVERYTHING - thru Him I can feel good enough I am not abandoned-

it's hard to face all those feelings and cake first thing in the morning before 8 am...

but it is awesome that Jesus doesn't sleep in He is always there for me!

and the cake? yeah it will be heading down the garbage disposal ...

stupid cake.

end times.......

end times you hear this and think it is about Jesus coming back which I am good with that...but thats not what I want to talk about today--


end times like the end of childhood...


the end of things as we know it...


the end of a good book


the end of a bad time in your life...


endings are hard sometimes even when they are good endings


the end of how we have always done things...


the end of the money...


the end of a relationship ...


the end of the loaf of bread...


all these things can cause anxiety.. sadness... eating...


the end of our parents being parents truly means the ending of our own childhoods...


BUT....


then there are beginnings because every time there is an end there will be a new beginning of something


the end of your childhood means the beginning for better or worse of your adulthood


the beginning of a new loaf of bread means fresh bread!


The beginning of a paycheck is all the promises to spend better this month


the beginning a relationship means the fresh promises of something new and exciting


the beginning of a new way to do things can mean shaping the way things go blending old with new


the beginning of a new time in your life after a bad time has ended means you are wiser and more sure of what shouldn't happen and more sure when its right


the beginning of a new book...is a new plan of escape for an hour a new bout of knowledge to store for the future ..


Beginnings like new rain helps growth both spiritual and physical - mental and emotional...

It's time for a new beginning...

wow ...Beautiful Savior...

taking some time this morning to shut up and listen to God to not give my "list" of requests but to hear HIM - hear His word for me

to humble myself before HIM the awesome powerful mighty counselor~ healer~ redeemer., To go back into my history and realize my healing journey began 9 years ago and that somehow with the everyday living of life I have forgotten the wondrous miraculous healing of my soul.

Why am I still in this wilderness ? The Lord showed me that when HE put me in this wilderness the trees were lush and thick and green that was to keep me sheltered and hidden and quiet ... but that shelter has long since withered and the trees have grown dry and brittle the leaves and the pine needles have long since dried and dropped to the ground. Yet here I am still in the wilderness not searching for His direction not working for His kingdom just sitting alongside the dry and brittle debris in the dead wilderness. Does this not also indicate a dead and brittle me?

I have the notes ~ the poems ~ I have the Words He has spoken to me written down and stored away -not in my heart but in a cabinet .

So out with the notes back into the reading I go time to take HIS words to me to heart.

Time to self publish the poems time to come out of this dead wilderness and back into HIM . To HIS shady restful spot . Using the shelter of His wings as my shade using His words to quench my hunger and thirst. And His direction to determine where I am to go what I am to do,

Yeah this is chapter 1 of crazy love.

it terrifies me and excites me all at once But I realize whats been missing in these last few years of my spiritual journey. I have been living a hollow Christian life - living in the shell that once was me - time to plug back in to my power source . Dig out the notes and lessons He gave me as He put me back to wholeness... Time to fill the shell once so full~ now so empty~ back to fullness once again only this time full of Him -

Crazy Love is really not so crazy it is right .