Listening to God....

Today I am practicing my Crazy Love skills...Crazy Love for God... Crazy Love for Jesus... Crazy Love for others. Spending more time with Him,...reading His words to me - shutting up and listening for His voice... Praying for others.

I have heard Him speak about Bible Study Fellowship I was so not gonna go this year then as it got closer I thought oh really what the heck it is Acts...I did that 7 years ago maybe I need to do it again and then of course there's the lectures by Ann which I love and after there's lunch ! Cher Michele and Carol we go to eat and have a great time. Wonderful Christian fellowship with women I love, So whats wrong with THAT?

Nothing if that's where you are supposed to be. And unfortunately I do not think that's where I am supposed to be. I loved loved BSF the last few years yet this year so far it has been dull...the lessons the lectures...group is fine normally It takes a while for me to like or dislike the groups..lol but this year I really do not care,,, I am not even the group secretary which I've done for the last 4 years it was just kinda like i am not there, maybe because I am not supposed to be.

Anyway today I will clean my house and pray and listen for an answer on do I stay in BSF... or move on and if I am moving on Where am I moving on to??

The crazy thing is the post before this on Wednesday about the m&ms that's what THAT was all about I came home from BSF and was unsettled and instead of checking in and seeing hey whats the deal I wanted to bury it . I like my Tuesdays... my Ann lectures...My lunch with my friends...

Be still and listen....

Ha l laugh in the face of Peanut M&M's...

oh Lord please take from me this stupid addiction which creates an IDOL in my life.

yesterday as I was sitting idly around just watching TV when i have a list of things to do I became obsessed with peanut m&ms.,..now what you may or may not know about me is I am a Hershey's chocolate eater peanut m&ms are good but not my favorite...yet there were those Girl Scout camps that I always had peanut M&Ms in my pocket coz...well they just didn't melt like a Hershey bar would!! LOL

Now this is the insane part of this disease...I am working on 12 months of food abstinence,,,from Sugar and compulsive eating WHY would I break that for a food that is NOT my favorite??? To me this is the CRAZY part of this,

SO back to yesterday I was thinking I would just go to the store and buy a small bag of course my mind was not seeing any bags smaller then a pounder bag and frankly even that-- had I cracked that nut --would NOT have been big enough.
That's just it with this food addiction never is there enough. not one bite not one small bag not a pounder bag,,,it will never EVER be enough.

How does this translate into an IDOL? You know like those talked about in Exodus and Isaiah...well it is because I am feeling anxiety and discomfort and at odds within myself and I am seeking something outside of GOD out side of Jesus whom I claim to be my LORD ...for comfort.
I am looking to my IDOL of food to comfort me to sooth my feelings...

Smashing that IDOL on the side of the road... seeing HIM as my LORD and never food....

Thank you Lord Jesus for your love and your patience .

focus...focus...

these last few days my focus has been off...

and as I was trying to decipher my mood and why it was not so cheerful I realized I had lost my focus...

my Jesus Focus... I had apparently taken my eyes off of Him and put them onto myself... onto my life... onto my problems... onto my addiction.,..it really matters not what I put my focus on BUT the fact that HE is not my focus that's the trouble.

Somehow the big ME has gotten in my spiritual focus -- so back into nothingness I go.... less of me more of Him..............................

................. less and less and less of me....

addicted mind.....

the life of an addicted mind...is this--

there is cake in my kitchen ,...in my mind I have had the cake in my hands in my mouth savored it swallowed it eaten it all stuffed it down the first swallows brings the relief of the feelings of aggravation at being abandoned and not good enough this morning....the second swallows brings the shame of weakness and the rest not even tasting it as it goes down eating and not tasting because the food drug has done its work at numbing the feelings of my heart .

instead of doing this -- today I will call on God He is my Savior my Redeemer He will lift me up make me whole He is my EVERYTHING - thru Him I can feel good enough I am not abandoned-

it's hard to face all those feelings and cake first thing in the morning before 8 am...

but it is awesome that Jesus doesn't sleep in He is always there for me!

and the cake? yeah it will be heading down the garbage disposal ...

stupid cake.

end times.......

end times you hear this and think it is about Jesus coming back which I am good with that...but thats not what I want to talk about today--


end times like the end of childhood...


the end of things as we know it...


the end of a good book


the end of a bad time in your life...


endings are hard sometimes even when they are good endings


the end of how we have always done things...


the end of the money...


the end of a relationship ...


the end of the loaf of bread...


all these things can cause anxiety.. sadness... eating...


the end of our parents being parents truly means the ending of our own childhoods...


BUT....


then there are beginnings because every time there is an end there will be a new beginning of something


the end of your childhood means the beginning for better or worse of your adulthood


the beginning of a new loaf of bread means fresh bread!


The beginning of a paycheck is all the promises to spend better this month


the beginning a relationship means the fresh promises of something new and exciting


the beginning of a new way to do things can mean shaping the way things go blending old with new


the beginning of a new time in your life after a bad time has ended means you are wiser and more sure of what shouldn't happen and more sure when its right


the beginning of a new book...is a new plan of escape for an hour a new bout of knowledge to store for the future ..


Beginnings like new rain helps growth both spiritual and physical - mental and emotional...

It's time for a new beginning...

wow ...Beautiful Savior...

taking some time this morning to shut up and listen to God to not give my "list" of requests but to hear HIM - hear His word for me

to humble myself before HIM the awesome powerful mighty counselor~ healer~ redeemer., To go back into my history and realize my healing journey began 9 years ago and that somehow with the everyday living of life I have forgotten the wondrous miraculous healing of my soul.

Why am I still in this wilderness ? The Lord showed me that when HE put me in this wilderness the trees were lush and thick and green that was to keep me sheltered and hidden and quiet ... but that shelter has long since withered and the trees have grown dry and brittle the leaves and the pine needles have long since dried and dropped to the ground. Yet here I am still in the wilderness not searching for His direction not working for His kingdom just sitting alongside the dry and brittle debris in the dead wilderness. Does this not also indicate a dead and brittle me?

I have the notes ~ the poems ~ I have the Words He has spoken to me written down and stored away -not in my heart but in a cabinet .

So out with the notes back into the reading I go time to take HIS words to me to heart.

Time to self publish the poems time to come out of this dead wilderness and back into HIM . To HIS shady restful spot . Using the shelter of His wings as my shade using His words to quench my hunger and thirst. And His direction to determine where I am to go what I am to do,

Yeah this is chapter 1 of crazy love.

it terrifies me and excites me all at once But I realize whats been missing in these last few years of my spiritual journey. I have been living a hollow Christian life - living in the shell that once was me - time to plug back in to my power source . Dig out the notes and lessons He gave me as He put me back to wholeness... Time to fill the shell once so full~ now so empty~ back to fullness once again only this time full of Him -

Crazy Love is really not so crazy it is right .

hidy- ho neighbor....

lol just cruisen thru the neighborhood today without my dog...she is at the trailer with Scott getting it ready for the weekend! hopefully they will get the AC fixed and we can go down.

my back pain is getting the best of me - I am not sure what to do but I am going to have to go back to the Doctor and address it this last pain epidural shot did NOTHING but surgery gahhhhh

never a good time for that.

Ok God gonna have to give this one to you!

get me over it or get me thru it!

monday monday

wow what a great weekend we had with the kids here on Sunday for family birthday dinner we watched old movies of the kids and I got a program to transfer video to disc...so we might be watching many more!!! lol

My food has not been good... wonder if that has anything to do with not turning in my food to my food sponsor...lol Really it has been very hard these last few days ...even weeks but i 've not really been exercising and that's a problem too ,,,so now that school is in and before BSF starts I REALLY need to get back into a good health routine. It';s not hard to keep it going but man oh man so hard to get back started again. This struggle with food addiction is hard~ it is very hard. But I know God is on my side He wants no idols in my life nothing I should be leaning on except Him . So when food is put into the Idol category it gives it a different flavor entirely

there are so many little things I need to get done to just maintenance things... like my storage room is getting messy and things just need to have a home or go!
So yeah I am gonna commit to whomever reads this that I will get back starting today of my 30 min a day exercise and to getting those behind the scenes areas cleaned up! After all Christmas is gonna be here before we know it!!

So heres to the last weeks of Summer a good time to clean up many areas of my life before Fall...
what can you change in your life for the better?? hummmm?

saturday in the park,.,,

well it is Saturday ...lol and whats on for today at this point I've wasted 3 hours on the computer so not being productive!!
This last week has been full of school stuff games consession stand cleaning out Priscilla mom's house and dealing with family and today I just really want to do nothing - today I really just want to eat... Today I would kill for a chocolate bar.... being an addict sucks seeing normal looking (sized) people in stores picking up those foods sweets that I know I cant have ...sighhh it is hard. I see cookies I know I want to eat them all...


for today I think I need to use some tools like going to the Lord seeking His Grace His peace using the tool of writing to see what is the emotions I am trying to block - why has this last week ,,,last 2 weeks been filled with food cravings food obsessions food craziness,,, I am holding onto my abstinence but just only...





there has to be a root cause that my craziness has come back some feeling of abandonment some feeling of not good enough or just that I am not enough .





Dear Lord please remove this crazy obsession in my brain. amen

after 21 years...

wow today is my last "first day of school" day! I've done 1st days since 1990...when Jes started pk 3 - every fall has been bitter sweet...sending my child then children and now back to child off on the first day of school... 21 years of firstdays .

My life is about to totally change and I'm not sure what that means for me or what it should look like after this year with Jen graduating in 2012...
I've been thebizymom for so many years yet these last few have slowed down a bunch I still have job security with Laundry to do lunch and dinners to make ... a kid to get out the door on time and a house that stays messy when she is here!

So as the year progresses the questions come...whats Jen gonna do next year and what are YOU going to do next year... good question and one I do not have to think about today...for today I am just gonna be in today.

And today there is sadness that this last chapter of child raising is in the beginning stages of coming to a close and just for today I will feel the sadness as it hits and not try to bury it or eat it or deny my sadness at my babies growing up . And there is joy too for getting this far ! It was so hard to imagine this day 13 years ago when Jen started Pk 3 and life then was crazy with 4 kids at home and school starting and sports and scouts and sleepovers and all the wonderful things that came and went in the years of kid raising.

just for today I am gonna smile at the memories cry at the memories and look forward to living this year in the present.

Thank you Lord for the healing touch you give

hot summer in the city

well here it is the middle of July and barely that even -

it has been hot hot hot -

my blood pressure has been high high high yeah summer in the city...

It has been a learning experience for me in the thinking about acceptance and the things I can and can't change...my health is certainly something i can change yet also something I can not control.

How can I accept where I am at -at this point ? I am doing all the right things I have been off sugar and have not compulsively eaten in 9 months ...(well almost,,,lol) and this last 2 weeks my blood pressure has been recorded as high as 238/110 stroke levels for sure. And this really sucks because I've come so far and now for this to happen in my recovery just makes me want to scream.

Back to the acceptance part- accepting that stuff happens and I can't control it - and even when your doing the right things a piano can drop at anytime- and crush you- well OK that's a bit dramatic but you get the picture . And that's where the acceptance comes in- accepting the piano and finding a tune you can live with.

So back to the Blood Pressure thing I've added 2 new medicines I've had the other one increased another one changed around and now I have to wait and see what happens. And be in a place of calm acceptance.

What happens happens, God has me in His control...and like Pastor Dan says he /she who see's Jesus first wins! whooo hooo!

an unatural high....

yeah sounds like something wicked,...and I suppose it is it is my stupid blood pressure! All weekend it has been sky high and now as I type my vision is blurry a bit -

rainy day thoughts

looking out the window into the dreary grey rainy day hearing the low rumble of thunder it is comforting to be inside curled up on the couch with my lap top and the peace and quiet of the house.

Thinking about my life thinking about where I am going in these next years of my life as Jen is heading into her senior year. My email name will be changing I suppose ... thebizymom will not be so busy in the coming years!And while it is sad to see my babies growing up and I miss those moments of toddler tickles and laughs -it is awesome to see the young men and women they are becoming.

So what about me who shall I be in this next stage of my life? where will God use me? I have friends who have gone to school... I don't see that for me-not that I am stupid but really,,due to the realities of my life I missed so much of school when i was there that to go back to school...I am just not feeling it!

Photographer...cake lady...organiser... comedian are all things that people tell me I should be! ha seriously all I ever wanted to be was a mom..a wife ..someone who can make a difference in someones life-

I guess the key to being happy and successful in this next phase of my life is to listen to God... to be still ... and REALLY listen to Him. He knows what He wants for me for my life...I need to seek Him and listen.

........................................................................shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................................................

the life of an addict

yeah seeing commercials for the show intervention... how alcoholics & drug addicts have people intervene to save them...from a certain death . Yet millions of obese people are offered more more more food everyday....by well meaning loving family and friends...no interventions...and just as certain death.

Why is it no one thinks to ask the obese person if there's a problem they just assume that they have no will power that if they had a little bit of control they could whip this problem and lose the weight.

They have no clue how the food obsession works in a food addicts brain how the addicts brain can't stop thinking about everyday items such as brownies cakes cookies how one taste of sugary treats can send one off on a binge . How even one bite can trigger weeks of obsession - how the smell of cookies the sight of cake in the kitchen and you can't concentrate all you see or think about is how can you eat it. To know you are powerless over a sweet.

An alcoholic can go out to eat and there is no alcohol... a drug addict can go out to eat and no drugs,,,a food addict goes out to eat and there it is something sweet something gooey something that will stay in your mind in your dreams for weeks if you eat even a nibble....

Please -stop allowing your family and friends to kill themselves....stop helping them stop offering them the knife , fork and spoon to do it with.

life on the road..

we leave tomorrow for Shipshewanna to see pie ,the flea markets and auction and shops and pie and did I mention there's gonna be pie there???

yeah as an addict addicted to sugar that leaves pie out of my vacation equation - and the Amish do not do the whole picture thing so there goes my camera fun.... sighhh they better have the booths with the designer perfumes... thats all I am saying

and really I might snap a picture or 2 of the Amish...and if I do there better not be a ruckus coz I am not eating any pie!!! LOL

Jen is going with us she has never been there and we haven't really ever been on vacation with just her...she isn't taking a friend so it is just us I think it will be nice!

grateful girl rambling...

I am a grateful girl yes indeed!
nothing big has happened in fact in this food addiction I am struggling - in this pain I am struggling - but for right now this day this minute ..
I am grateful! To my Lord. He has done so much for me in my life and continues to even when I am not so grateful.

I read the book Heaven is for real---it was very good and warmed my heart- made me remember my healing journey with Jesus- wow If you haven't read the book then get it read it-it was a quick 2 hour read- easy writing- and the story is one that while it is easy to read there is a lot to ponder in it. I will probably read thru it again just to delight in his descriptions of heaven.

Do i believe it? you betcha! it was chilling at times his descriptions...so pure - and his insistence that Jesus loves children...and that you have to be saved to go to Heaven -
Jesus loving the children.... yes indeed He does! After reading the book my heart is filled to overflowing with His love for me for us-

He held her little hand
as she walked thru the life drama
He held her small face
as she cried about the sexual trauma
He lifted her up and held her tight
As the healing journey's end was in sight
He sat her down and said it is done
as she and the woman merged into one.
He holds her bigger hand....
ks2011©

what a day for a day dream....

ha seems like a great idea! day for a day dream... yesterday I was a busy girl today umm not so much I am however exhausted!
Did some prayer warrior stuff thru Lutheran High School...annointed rooms desks teachers (2!)
and then left there and hit church where we had a 1st responders dinner and worked that taking pictures and talking to the people there. It was fun! but now today I am worn out.

forgot how much spiritual warfare takes out of you today I need to relax and recharge...
spend some quiet time with Jesus,
thats what is good for my soul

issshhh

gosh a lot has been happening - at school we have had some meetings and are losing some teachers it seems as if God has been taken out of the midst but I am determined God is staying in the mix!! anyways I am up to my neck in it lol but it is all good coz what I am doing is all Gods...so there ya go I am just a warrior in prayer -

lets see--- walking and adding some little jogs into it... yeah! for real! no i can say I do not think ill ever be a runner but adding the jog intervals really gets my heart rate up!!
had to go back to get another epidural for my back so the nerve pain is gone again yeah!

and im down 45 pounds!! yeah!! Ill have to do some measuring ..I have some old measurements people think I have lost more then the scale is showing so must be losing some inches!!

And I signed up for a photo shop class...i have a great tutorial book here alot like they will use in class so between now and july i need to get to work shooting in some manual modes and learning a bit more about Photo shop so i am not a complete idiot and the teaching he gives might have beeter chance of sticking!!!

ok thats all i got for now! have a God pleasing day!

change and growth

you know life is all about change and growth -- if you are not changing and growing then you are dead...LOL
Christian life is all about changing and growing - changing in Christ - growing in Him ..
are you seeing that change and growth in your life?

Are you in Bible study- in the word daily can people tell your God's girl or boy by the way you live or are they quite surprised at the end of the day to find out you are a Christian? I am thinking if they are surprised then someday when your "called up yonder..." you may be the one surprised. and that is scary! People think oh we got time Jesus isn't coming today... He won't come in MY life time 2 things wrong with that ! we do not know when the END of our life time is and we don't know when Jesus is coming back. so don't be dressed wrong for the surprise party people... get up every day go to bed every night in the Gospel clothing of Christ and live each day knowing your dressed in Him and covered by His grace His mercy.
And on that note it's time for me to go to Him seek His wisdom -
signed Kim ---God's girl

Silly Rabbit....... Easter is for Jesus!!

Its not about the baskets with the candy eggs inside
Nope the Easter Bunny has nothing to do with why my jesus died
It isnt about the new dress or the shiny pretty new shoes
It was about following His Fathers will and Jesus got to choose
It's not about the Easter gatherings of family and good friends
Nope that's not the reason His life had to come to a horrable end
It's not about Chocolate bunnies or jellybeans or peeps
it's all about God's salvation plan for us to be His for keeps
So have fun with your Easter basket and with your fine new clothes
Just understand the cost and reason of why on Calvery His blood flows
It's for each and everyone of us to join Him in a Glorious Heavenly end
It's to celebrate the wonderous day when Jesus rose again!
KimShepherd2011

Retreat weekend

went to the OA retreat this weekend it was good - it was fun and great to connect with people. my OA thing is God putting me out in the world.... example-- a guy there was in loud conversation with another guy about God... and people -more specifically CHRISTIANS...trying to convert him...he apparently was born Jewish and wants to argue the whole - how can it be truth that you have to know Jesus to get into heaven.what about all those who died before Jesus was born.....well derr... read the Bible those like Abraham and Noah and David and lots of other people understood what was written and the messianic promise ... oh wait AND there was the whole sacrificial thing going on. you know dove cow chicken...ok anyways ... the funny part of his conversation was ,....He told the man he was talking to.. that he was trying to convince the friend of his who was evangelising that he didn't believe and the Bible was not written by Gods hand the only thing EVER to be written by Gods hand....is the 10 commandments... uhhh yeahhhh I am thinking ---- how do you know about that were you there ? is there pictures oh oh wait you KNOW because SOME man wrote it down in the BIBLE!!! LOL So how do you believe THAT part of man writing it down and not the rest??? ahhhh it has been so long since I was out in the WORLD away from my Christian friends - it is a challenge and I guess that's why He has put me there. Gotta love my Jesus!!!

6 months food sobriety

yup I am at the 6 months mark...of no sugar no compulsive eating...how has it changed my life?

hummm that's a great question and what I can see is some of the craziness that comes from sugar highs and lows is gone that the numbed out feeling when a crisis comes a knocking is gone and left in it's place is the emotions of life.

the feelings that I thought would surly kill me now pop up with regularity and splash across my life with big drips of color- blue for sadness~ orange for pain ~red for anger ~pink for embarrassment~ purple for happiness and black for depression ~gray for shame ~

my rainbow of feelings comes softly at times and in torrents like a hard thunderstorm at others ... sometimes it is quiet and hardly noticeable and at other times the colors of life's feelings leave me shaking and scared ...what color is fear ? yellow maybe ...not like a coward but yellow like fire -yellow molten fire like the sun- fear that burns my life..fear of failure, fear of not being enough, fear of whats next in my life. yellow should be a happy color instead it is the color of molten fire because the way a fire feeds on the kindling and wood is how fear feeds on my life it starts out small and can rage in minutes. Taking away my peace my serenity.

6 months of food sobriety ...6 months of handling life's pains and joys and sorrows without food to buffer the feelings.

6 months of food sobriety ...it is good.

His Amazing Grace

Wow how can you use human words to describe His amazing Grace to us? Jesus is my everything it has taken me a long time to get that - My heart is full of the Love He has for us the healing He has given me the tracks in my life He has put me on... Last night at a meeting well afterwords - a gal was really hard on the anyone talking Jesus at a meeting that since God is in the big book she wont say nothing about that but it is a pinch to her to have anyone else mentioned... well Here's the thing missy....I can't ever talk about my great progress in program without mentioning Jesus HE is my Lord and my Savior... Program is good but God and Jesus are GREAT!!! LOL

humility

yeah this sucks ...no really ...I have been craving sugar craving candy thinking about some cookies thinking it is ok to have one- a bite- a box...and thats when you have to stop and say whats up .... And whats up is step 9 --- and making amends-- it takes humility to understand the pain you have caused in someone else while in your own compulsion -your own disease....now coz it is a disease you think you might feel hey I couldn't control it ... no I couldn't and I also couldn't control the things that went on in my early life that helped feed this disease... BUT the pain that my disease has put on others namely my husband and kids...well even tho it is a disease and all I still have to take responsibility and apologize...make amends to those I have hurt..while being in the food. Being in the food gives you a warped perspective of the world ...you are in your food world the hiding of food the stashing the sneaking the emotions you don't have because good or bad they are numbed with the food . where the humility comes in is you see I have some idea of how this disease has hurt my family...but not what their feelings are where have they been hurt what pain has this caused them? And I have no control over what they may say or how it may hurt me and worst is i can not go back and change things... what am i hoping for? that they will say oh mom you were great nothing of your disease touched us...ha I know thats not truth so guess I have to put on my big girl panties and suck it up and get on with it can't be stuck on step 9 for the rest of my life...gotta keep moving .....................

whack a mole....

yeah at the meeting today reading out of the 12& 12 - 4th step-- the sentence was (paraphrased...) we have to change our thinking during emotional events in our lives and how we are going to react to them...
And God gave me a picture of my life before was kinda like that whack a mole game and I was the mole the emotional events ~ were the club...So i would stick my head up and whack right in the head with the club of lifes emotional events and I could not control it no matter where I popped up~ whack again...now in recovery and thru my Dave counseling but ok mostly thru Jesus -I see with JESUS - I got a helmet on now ...ha I STILL can not control these emotional whacks they hit when they hit but with MY JESUS ARMOR on I am protected...
So still playing the Whack a mole game of life but with a helmet on!! hahaha

The true costs of this disease

you know people think well eating disorder once you get it knocked out you just start saving money right and left - not eating so much has to help the budget right? And yes it does but the true costs of this disease is staggering. this is gonna get kinda graphic so hang on....

because of the disease- I have spent countless dollars on diets and dieting things none of the "programs" were cheap- from optifast to hospital programs to weight watchers again and again .Jenny craig ...there was the gastric banding surgery in 97...then the surgery in 2006 to correct the problem (the band broke ) the scopes to diagnose it the xrays the CT scans the toxic radioactive food swallow stuff to check food flow... the new scopes to fix the scar tissue and now tomorrow another scope once again because the scar tissue is closing the hole - (the hole is the part that the ring was around to restrict the food flow you see the staple line is still in bedded in my stomach the ring that broke and sent me into atrial fib (yup ATRIAL FIB from this disease....CRAZY ) is now gone but that area of my stomach wants to close up which in turn makes eating solid foods hard to digest because they go nowhere... funny thing about our stomachs they are not made to digest food in the upper quadrant ...the high blood pressure the Diabetes .. the meds... the Cpap machine ....
of course the ugly part of this disease of mine was the bulimia...fix a meal or buy a meal eat until full then throw it up ..sometimes to eat more ..how many steak dinners were flushed I have no idea... I do know doing that ruined my teeth so now they have been fixed- and 4 pulled - replaced with expensive implants... all in the name of Food addiction -

and people think I just like to eat...really? I do not like it really but I want it I crave it and at times in my life I thought I needed it~ needed it to make me whole~ needed it to comfort me
~needed it to see me thru~ needed it to hurt me ---

this is the crazy life of addiction it moves in and takes over your life until it is destroyed,,,,

Praise Jesus that I am getting free of this .

the down side is the costs are still adding up the consequences are still there ...

HA!

Yeah...you know I hate it when you keep trying to not hear the message that God is giving you because you want the message that you want to follow... see in this life in OA I have been trying grumbly mumbly about a few things one of them is my sponser- wha wha wha I don't think she is there for me like I want her to be yeah well what I am hearing from God is to stop it stop searching I knew she my sponser was HIS choice for ne abd I think the reason why is actually her lack of time ...see I am a compulsive person and I would lean wayyy to much on someone to hve them give me what HE the Lord should be giving me it goes back to the Jesus needs to be my everything not food not sponser not programm JESUS same old message Kim ...and I guess I better be getting it The Lord has let me out of the trunk and into the backseat with Him leading me if I ever expect to make it to shotgun...I better lean on HIM for my EVERYTHING!

I also was thinking about trying to go to Celebrating recovery instead of Over eaters Annon. Why>? coz people are not Christians...well ok I have controlled my life pretty well these last 20 years or so I don't hang with people I don't like I don't hang with people of different values then mine I am pretty much all the time in a Christan environment. EXCEPT at OA...yeah those lost people call God their HP... HP to me is my printer ..oh I also had an HP camera once...higher power whom they chose to call...soda pop or whatever...seriously? His NAME IS God or I AM or
Yahweh- He wrote it down for us... come on people - anyway I am getting the message thru events and sermons and such that God isn't letting me out of OA coz there are not many Christians...nope HE is keeping me there because there are not many Christians... go figure...
So this success of mine is not mine it isn't through the power of some vague higher power nope my success is thru GOD the one and only ...Ok I am slow but I get it God...I am getting it loud and clear.
ha and for the record everytime I have written Christian I have to sing the "I am a C "song to spell it right! See it isn't on my own abilities I succeed it is thru God and only thru Him I get anything done!!

NO...I didn't fall off the edge of the world...LOL

wow it has been forever since I wrote anything and actually I am doing pretty well...
Went to the cardiac doctor today and she was very happy at my 30 pound weight loss.
Yup thats right 30 pounds gone not fast pounds not regular pounds nope these are DOCTOR pounds...meaning on HER scales from when I was there 6 months ago I am 30 pounds lighter. Now we women understand the significance in Dr pounds vs reguler pounds and fast pounds vs real pounds....
Fast pounds are the 5 pounds of water weight you lose on the 1st week of weight watchers...
Doctor pounds is when the doctor scales show the same loss as your scales at home - this is significant becasue we all know at home we weight naked after we have emptied our bodies of every thing we can and certanly before we have filled them with any sort of "light" meal...LOL
Dr pounds are usually done in the hall way at the office with all our clothes on tho usually not our shoes... and those clothes are usually well chosen...light weight clothing not chosen for weather (tho today is a nice day!>>> ) but chosen for weight...LOL and at home we have adjusted the little needle thing probably to be just "this" side of the "0" you know the left side...LOL
real pounds are those hard lost pounds those pounds of fat sweated off suffered thru ....the life style changed meals and the hard pounding of the feet.... REAL pounds...

Things I am leaning 2011

Wow it has been quite a journey these last few years - but especially this last year of being -admitting- surrendering to this addiction of food-So some of these revelations have maybe been mentioned in other past blogging of mine but here they are in totality ...

~*~My feelings won't kill me! yes that is truth I used to be under the grand illusion that if IF I would let myself feel the horror the sadness the pain of MY life I would surly die. That's right my own arrogance suggested that I hold a corner on pain and my pain must be much bigger then most so never ever feel it! And whats a legal way to not feel it? FOOD! Yeahhh wrong,

~*~I need to : A)accept the things I can not change and B) accept that there ARE things I can not change! like say what? I always thought that I had the power to change things that my juggling of feelings family relationships whatever that once again my arrogance allowed me to think I was all powerful ( of course when things went crazy outta control I would eat coz surly my feelings would kill me!

~*~that my cereal bowls are too big...yup you read it right - it was amazing while my Aunt Myra was here she couldn't get over how big our dishes are she wouldn't even use our "big" bowls for her cereal she used the little one cup dessert bowls... Ha who ever thought to measure your dishes ...so in our current dishes to say I had a bowl of cereal means I am REALLY having
2 1/2 servings.. I didn't set out to buy big dishes...but never thought it was odd either..hence the reason I am looking for another set of dishes with smaller sizing. And sadly enough it is difficult.

~*~ I still eat way too fast. Never once has anyone ever taken my food away from me- people in my life may not have liked the amounts or types of food I have eaten but no one has ever taken it from me! yet I eat like any minute now someone will snatch it away- slow down actually chewing my food will probably help my digestive problems!!

~*~ That 16 people do not need 3 ginormous pumpkin pies from Sams club plus other various desserts at Thanksgiving! OK this sounds funny but really I had to call my friend and get a reality check on this one -I had the panicked feeling that oh my gosh we might run out of pumpkin pie- of course I forgot I wasn't eating it - see the formula before was 1 pie was mine -yes it was. the 2nd one we the Family gathered at our tables would eat and the 3rd one would be our left over pie of which I would eat 1/2 of, so yeah we DID used to need 3 pies to ensure anyone else getting any pie!

~*~ that a smallish baked potato is one serving! I know right? ! I was getting out potato's the other night and for the 3 of us I thought maybe I should fix 4 why? so we will have enough! ENOUGH yeah then the Lord opened my eyes to see baked potato's at dinner are a side dish just like green beans or corn. I used to fix JUMBO bakers ! yes as a side dish . WOW no wonder the regular sized looked like it wasn't enough ( probably needed the jumbo ones to fill up the too big plates!!) I have never fixed 2 cans of green beans so there would be enough for the 3 of us!

~*~Natural Sugar from health food store is still SUGAR! Yeah trying to fool my body into thinking stuff like whey low made from milk is not sugar,.,,well unfortunately my body and mind sees it as sugar. And really if I use that whey low or "natural" sugar in a cake I STILL want to face plant and eat the whole thing . I am powerless over sugar! Powerless over food -period the end.

~*~that there has NEVER been anything too sweet or too rich for me to eat a lot of it! yes it has amazed me over the years to see a normal eater take a bite of something and say ohhh wheee that's too rich for me! uh really ? I'll eat it yours - mine -the whole pan! I love love love it the sweeter the richer the better!! If it is too sweet or too rich then you are an amateur!

~*~That I can live on 3 meals a day! shocking I know! wow I was amazed that it can work that way I was convinced as a diabetic there was NO WAY I would ever -EVER be able to do the 3 meals a day thing! And yes some days I need to have a snack to keep my Blood sugar up but there have been actual days where just 3 meals (3 regular meals!) have worked! who knew!! I always figured I NEEDED to mainline food all day to live!!

~*~Feeling full is NOT a signal to eat more! OK OK I know this sounds like well duh... but really for me feeling full either means throw up ( you know so you can eat more yes food addicts do this. it is all about control) or oh my gosh feeling satisfied better eat more coz if you are not feeling discomfort then there must be something wrong. Only addicts think that feeling like CRAP is a good thing. Eating until you are miserable drinking until you black out taking enough drugs to pass out - it is all about making a pain large enough to cover the pain you are currently feeling. You know feeling so full I gotta unbutton my pants =I no longer care about the betrayal in my heart.

~*~ Food is NOT the cure for physical pain. CRAZY I know but when my body hurts I eat- yes I am one of those people who never EVER lost weight with the flu- makes me crazy to hear someone say I was so sick and lost 3 pounds...please! I get sick and gain 5pounds! today my throat hurts all I want to do is eat -surly there is something here food wise that will make it better. I have a surgery -I think I need food for recovery. As a food addict I think food is the cure for everything that hurts. It is crazy to eat your pain away but that's what we try to do.

~*~ Normal people think they must eat dinner before eating something sweet - OK this one knocked me over we had a thing at church and Julie comes into the reception and I say hey want a piece of cake and she says...(wait for it...) NO thanks I haven't had dinner yet. ...yeah ..no really that's what she said and my thinking was SO?WHAT? you see she is a normal eater in a normal sized body who sees food as nutrition so for her she needed to eat good stuff before indulging in sweets to keep her body healthy ! WOW I really wanted to trap her and study her like a bug under a microscope. I mean REALLY pass up cake because theres some meat and veggies waiting somewhere?? My kind of thinking is eat a piece now and take one for later after dinner! But never woulda thought to wait!

OK this is all for now I am sure the Good Lord has more things for me to learn. And let me say these lessons are huge for me - and I hope for other addicts out there.
And I know I am being funny with it but there is real stuff here that I am learning real truths here for me.

snow dayz

well it has been crazy here with snow and ice -tomorrow 'Friday Jen goes back to school with a one hour delay! strange- but there ya go the parking lot is icy the sidewalks too should be interesting! I am not letting Jen drive . Today I worked out in the driveway! chipping and scooping the 1-2 inches of ice it was hard work! My arms are going to be so tired tomorrow .
My food has been good thru this time of being home bound. Mostly because there is not anything here in the house then because I have any power over it. After all I am powerless over food! (Step one....)

I have been making some phone calls still juggling with sponsor issues -

my sister Courtney has been calling I guess her son is in jail again - JD...he stole beer he is on parole and 18...yeahhh not good. Courtney called me because she was afraid she was gonna die in the big historic storm- unfortunately she doesn't accept God well ...so all I told her was turn of the weather channel. I so shoulda told her to trust and rely on Jesus. Next time irregardless of the reception.

lets see... anything else?
nope guess not - I know God is good to get us all safely thru these storms of nature and even better to get us thru the storms of life!

HARD LIFE OF ADDICTION

yeah all in caps... that's how I feel like screaming to the world it's not fair it's not right! I wanna be able to eat the candy and sweets I crave- to be able to eat candy and sweets I want to bathe myself in the sweet smell and texture of the Hershey's chocolate kiss...To be freaking honest I crave that kiss more then any lovers kiss.. The sweet satisfaction that comes in that first bite - the ethereal high that comes in the eating of a bar the numb high that comes from eating a whole bag of kisses...

I am whining I know I am fighting this craving that I don't understand where it has come from - what feelings am I stuffing down that's brought this craving to the top?
Am I sad ? am I happy? am I insecure ? Am I angry? Isn't it just a bit CRAZY that I can not name the feeling yet I can name the cure?
Maybe it is just another burst of acceptance I am feeling and that's what is triggering this crave...acceptance as Valentines creeps slowly closer that this candied holiday for lovers is not going to find it's way to my lips. I
Am I fighting the acceptance that I am an addict -addicted to sugar hard to comprehend? Hard to swallow?
My favorite reading in the Voices of recovery is April23rd...in part it says...I know that God would never hand me anything that would harm me or poison my life.Only the disease does that. Only the disease tells me that poison is a treat.
and that's where I am at today wanting so badly to eat of the poison - someone might say oh Kim that's extreme thinking one or two little Hershey's kisses won't kill you but yes it will because that's the deal it will never be one or two it will end with me losing big time in this life battle of Diabetes and heart disease because it is NEVER EVER just one or two ,it is always ONE BAG OR TWO

Just for today I choose to stay out of the poision.

weekend retreat

Had a great time this weekend at our Scrapbooking retreat! it was awesome to spend time with good friends doing the fun stuff we love!
I got jen's book almost done for 2008 - my room down here in the basement is all cleaned up so I need to un pack and get the book finished!!

I realized that I am missing those times we used to go away to the trailer and to those tournament weekends where I used to sit and crop pictures! None of my pics were cropped or ready ...SO this year I need to get back to that!! cropping those pics I could also come up with title pages too !

I really utilized the cricut this weekend so thats great too...

ok - on my back issue my pain is going back up today my feet are numbish and I an feel the burn a bit in my butt... not sure if it is cause I partially carried stuff and lifting it in and out of car - I truly didn't do a lot ...this morning tho - last night I could feel it was aggrivated...

YAY ME

Yup a yay me post my blog I can say what I like right??!! I got my 90 days food sobriety yesterday 1/11/11 and the back nerve pain is virtually gone at least I am not feeling it! The blood sugar thing may be balancing itself back out now so that would rock too!!

I did the 2 mile high calorie burn walking tape today it has been ages since I did that one -and standing up no longer kills me -which is quite helpful in life to be able to stand up!!
I did go see Brian tho he looked over my MRI and he says absolutely no surgery he said my pedicules are shorted then they are supposed to be it is congenital ( the MRI report said this ) he showed me what that is and that surgery cant really help that... it is like that down my back so really the best thing I can do for this is get this weight off,,,,ok thats what I am doing here!! LOL

This weekend is the scrapbooking weekend and last time we went swore those girls off of sugar then i went and bought big bag of chocolate thats not gonna happen this time!!
so i am going to sit and plan my meals and commit them to my sponsor
thats all I got ..and yeah I am still in yay me mode!!! LOL

it's GREAT when they GET IT!

wow it is good to know -to see when your family GET'S IT!
my dad called me to tell me he was giving his old computer to my brother but he wanted me to know he has had the hard drive scrubbed and actually uninstalled XP and had win 7 installed... WOW thats so huge to me- I know my dad loves me no doubt but didn't always think he got what our stand is with Rick in this thing. BUT he gets it . Yay!!! And yes I felt loved and cherished like a daughter.
maybe I should write him and tell him,,,,yes I think I shall.
My mom on the other hand does not get it and probably never will and yes I know she loves me too but sadly she has never gotten it.

I go for and epidural for my back on Monday a little nervous I have told them about the epinephrine thing and to please not use the lidocaine with epi ...we will see how it goes... I am thinking it is gonna be painful!!
Keeping my eyes on Jesus - meanwhile back at the ranch with little pain meds ( I can't take any NASAIDS= my day pro) it is pain as usual only ramped up a bit!!!

I am keeping my food abstinent and that is whats important here!

Well well well

yeah .got an MRI done on my back and ta da I got some issues...and whats crazy is the pain is the same as it was a month ago but acceptance of the problem makes it hurt a little more...crazy huh?

I will be calling a spine doc to see about some pain relief and what to do about the herniated discs ...... Some of the junk is just gonna be there,

We have had a really great Christmas season and now it is the new year 2011...wow
life has come a long way. Who knew I would be an old lady of 50 with a kid married another one engaged,,,and so on! Who knew that my damaged heart and crazy emotions would be healed by the Lord and that my addiction would be getting handled one day at a time. God is so good in all He does for us and we so do not deserve it,

Tomorrow is Christmas with the Hinshaws,.... my mom and Aunt Sandy uncle George and my kids, Aunt Sandy is not doing so well in the memory dept. she called me 5 times in 30 min to discuss plans... sighhh sad thing really
and Morgan and I had a talk and while we are celebrating her Birthday (which is Dec 26th ) tomorrow I am having her pick her own day for a 1/2 Birthday celebration and we will celebrate her Birthday then!! She seemed agreeable to it.

ok well thats all I got -

Vulgarity

I am sick of it -Vulgarity. Oh they try and keep it civil keep it funny you know "Little Fockers",,, REALLY?
Seriously why not just say it? Ohh oh people would complain to the FCC...well why are we not complaining about implied vulgarity??
It goes back even to the Herbal Essence shampoo - hello the orgasm in the shower? From washing hair?? I am sure I could come up with a million such examples...

sad sad world we live in Lord Jesus could you come back soon?

can I ever be normal about food?

been thinking which is fairly dangerous...
it has been difficult this season of family and food and cookies and thoughts of family and fudge and me not making any- me not eating any- me not being in my usual sugar high blackout... yeah -it is so different when you have to face feelings and events head on and not have the buffer of the food. To feel that slap of pain in your heart and to NOT have the comfort of food . Christmas is the time of year to be ever so Thankful of Jesus birth our savior born a baby - to celebrate Gods promise to us written so many years before the event that took place in Bethlehem - to see His promise to us and follow it thru the chapters of His Holy word is absolutely amazing.
Now back to the question can I ever be normal when it comes to food? No probably not - in OA they believe that addicts have an allergy to sugar ...and that the allergy is what triggers for us an overwhelming urge to keep eating that which is not good for us. And along with the allergy there is also a mental obsession God can and will relieve that mental obsession but most likely we will always have an allergy-- I can say I have been relieved of the mental obsession as long as I stay out of the sugar and into the word and prayer I am good. But then along with the good comes the thoughts of wow hey maybe theres been a miracle healing and now I can eat the sugar! Of course there hasn't and here's the little clue...when I think of eating the sugary sweet treats of Christmas I am still thinking of the pans full... not the one or two ...I am thinking of the bags of Hershey kisses not just a bite and there in lies the addiction. At church the other night I made that cake and I was so amazed that the "normal" eaters didn't have a piece of cake because they hadn't had their dinner - and that is the difference between an addict and a normal person- it never crosses the addicts mind to have perimeters!
Merry Christmas !

HA ain't life grand?

I'm on my way upstairs in a few to make a cake which by the way i was gonna stop doing...but it is for the purity ceremony tonight at church...figure hey if these girls can pledge to Wait until marriage shoot I can pledge to stay out of the cake batter and the icing and the finished product!

It has been going well ...it being life in food sobriety - I am doing steps 5-7 with my sponsor on Friday -then it is on up the stairs...LOL
been stalled on those steps for a while mostly due to business...not like a job but being busy...LOL

Where is God working on my life...hummm not hard to see He is working EVERYWHERE in my life in just me learning to accept things that happen as things and not major catastrophes...yeahhh ya know it is all just stuff He God is so much bigger then our stuff.. Acceptance of things that in my past would have sent me spinning out of control- mentally emotionally and spiritually now I see them coming and turn my eyes to Him not the stuff coming at me .He is my shade as it says in Isiah - how cool is THAT?

ok well getting ready for Christmas got things to shop for and things to wrap...got things to be Thankful for so got lots to do ...loving my Jesus more and more each day

reality bites,,,

well heres a slice of reality pie-- It is coming up on the holidays and I can not eat . well ok thats a lie I can not eat good food... no thats a lie too --ummm ok how bout this I can not eat all those wonderful sugery gooey yummy Christmas delights...yeah - and how do I feel about that? A little angry a little sad why can't I be like other people and eat what I want? whahaaaa I want to throw a big old fit and get doen on my knees and pray that God will fix this for me so I can ....yeahhh so I can eat sugar ?? no really? oh man how bout I get down on my knees and THANK HIM that I can eat? that I have food in my pantry and money in my wallet and health that allows me to eat. yeah ok getting my perspective back ...eyes off self and back on HIM where they belong--- thank you God that I can eat.

31 days

ok hey wow 31 days of food sobriety how cool is that??
But before I get all excited I know I better proceed with caution or I might fall off . I have not been writing down my food nor taking my blood sugar and that is dangerous - it is not taking care of myself. That is stupid.
And of course gonna be dealing with the holidays and all the issues with my mom about Rick not being here. Ah well once again God has shown me He has my back and That He is my justice. Found out that Rick met with our step brother Dave and told him his story-- interestingly enough he left 2 big parts out of it, Wow - It helps me to know in this holiday time of families and gatherings that Rick has NOT changed and the reasons we no longer allow him to be around us are still valid.

I will take these 30 days and with Gods help I will hit 30 more.

something happend on the way to this blog spot....

ha it has been a long time since I have written life has gotten crazy - Aunt Myra and Uncle Louie have been staying with us and they sleep in the computer room so thats part of it... and well just been busy out of my routines!!

today tho my crazy brain is back I am all unsettled and restless and want to numb out this feeling with food chocolate sugar sweets I can see that it is the transitions Myra and Louie leaving for 10 days and volleyball over for Jen my mom gonna have to have another angiogram and that means me staying all night in her hoarding apt mess...yeahhh and then theres my crazy brain!!

I know God is here in all this mess called my life I know He is soverign over all that happens in this life of mine this life in fact which belongs to Him - I surrendered it to Him so what the heck am I worring about here? Why this crazy brain thing? thats just me trying to control thngs and that is just plain stupid -
So prying my fingers off my life and putting my hands in HIS and following HIS lead.
Thank you Lord Jesus the King of my life and the defender of me - protect me from Crazy brained thinking amen

a tough week

its been a tough week this week been in the disease this brain of mine -- ugggh My thinking wasn't straight but thankfully my eating was! But tonight as I wait on aunt Myras plane to come in and my weekend or next 2 weeks is changed around with house guests...I right this minute want to eat -eat chocolate ...that's my drug of choice of comfort of familiarity -
But instad I am writing this I will go make a phone call and then I will read some from the big book... catch up my bible reading from the Good book..and then I will take a shower . So many things that are so much better then eating.

jes

jes

mommas got some new toys

Went to Roberts got me a new lens and a battery grip well Scott got me the grip for my birthday and a couple other things...LOL

So tomorrow (hopefully) me and Jes are gonna hit downtown and she is gonna be my modle so i can get used to this new grip on the camera!

Our conversation went as such...
Jessica Shepherd love you mama
Kim Midkiff Shepherd hey
Kim Midkiff Shepherd was thinking about you
Jessica Shepherd oh yea
Kim Midkiff Shepherd i got a new camera grip i need practice soooo lets go downtown on a sat or Sun real soon for some urban kinda photo shooting
Jessica Shepherd ooh
Kim Midkiff Shepherd or if it is soon we could shoot maybe 6-7:30
Jessica Shepherd i actually have the entiure day off tomorrow
Jessica Shepherd no school no work
Kim Midkiff Shepherd yeah ohhh wow I am free after 12
Jessica Shepherd i was going to go to the ima
Jessica Shepherd but this is cool too : )
Kim Midkiff Shepherd uhhh yeahhh I was just at Roberts and the cool brick snd the loading docks
Kim Midkiff Shepherd ect
Kim Midkiff Shepherd go to canal
Jessica Shepherd yea!
Jessica Shepherd delaware st has some gorgeous old houses brickwork
Jessica Shepherd wrought iron gates...
Jessica Shepherd ive got places lady
Jessica Shepherd : )
Kim Midkiff Shepherd that would be GREAT! sooo pick out some clothes tonight for that urban look!\
Jessica Shepherd oh photos of me?
Kim Midkiff Shepherd i want hard look and soft look
Kim Midkiff Shepherd well DUHHHHHHHHHH
Jessica Shepherd i thought we were doing scenery
Jessica Shepherd haha!
Jessica Shepherd cool
Kim Midkiff Shepherd I am a people shooter
Kim Midkiff Shepherd LOL

Jessica Shepherd sweet
Jessica Shepherd im pumped
Kim Midkiff Shepherd kinda like a salad shooter only not so green!!!
Jessica Shepherd omg
Jessica Shepherd hahah
Kim Midkiff Shepherd hahaha
Jessica Shepherd alright i have to go to work
Kim Midkiff Shepherd thought you would like that
Jessica Shepherd call me when you are doine at bsf
Kim Midkiff Shepherd ok love love
Jessica Shepherd love you


Jes she makes me laugh!

hummm time

have you ever had diarreha of the mouth and yet be mentally constipated? yeahhh well isn't that a lovely picture? And how can spell check on here have the word constipated yet not the word diarreha?? so if it is mis-spelled now you know why...LOL

Been having time issues as in I got so much yet get so little done-
it must be something God wants me to work on or He would quit bringing it to my attention -
maybe I just need to surrender my time to Him and let Him manage it - me . yeah theres a thought -

this part of me is the Hinshaw part of me that I fight against that paralyzed part that freezes in time ,,, only God is gonna be abler to change me in this area and that HA is gonna take time.

heres one for you

ok does this make sense? I am an addict I love sweets and chocolate I can become obbsessed with the thought of it yet today once again I am making cake and a big brownie for Senior night at lu hi...really? Seriously WHY do I put myself thru this torture?? Is it because I want them to like me? So I would rather have their approval over my own mental health??

gaaaaaa I don't know on the other hand it isn't for me I can not keep it cut it eat it so it and me are safe-- but I think it makes no sense really...no one would ask an alcholic to be the bar tender hey that alchie knows a good drink lets ask her...hey that fat lady makes great cakes and can sure turn out a yummmy brownie lets get her to cook...yeah not like I do ANYTHING they can't do for crying out loud I follow the freaking directions.

ok so I guess for now this may be something I don't do for a while - I am not sure its forever but maybe -- I mean what is most mportant here? cake or me?

crazy brain

oh my goodness...yesterday I had a real case of crazy brain ...
in any addiction I suppose there is crazy brain . Here in the food addiction it is when you are not hungry but all you can think of is going in and eating and it is sweets and your brain says just a taste thats all you want is a taste of something good and sweet and yummy but NO you know the truth -the truth is this crazy brain will eat and eat and eat nothing will satisfy it NOTHING --

lets see can I discribe crazy brain - yeah it is like you want to scratch your eyes out because all you really want is food and you will go to any lengths to get it it is not good enough to just throw food away because having an addiction means you are not beyond taking things out of the trash -it is eating beyond your capacity throwing up and eating more - it is eating to kill - your pain your emptiness your feelings .... crazy brain is when you no longer see CVS or Walgreens as places to get Rx's nope they are candy stores and crazy brain is when all you can think of is that last sweet thing you ate and wonder how you can get more- yeah it is a crazy obsession with food -drugs alcohol anything that you are addictced too

so thats when you use the tools of the program - make a phone call make 3 phone calls tell someone where you are at - they can understand and they can help you thru it - read some of the big book pray -- pray some more -read a daily reading read anything that has to do with recovery - write - journal your feelings try and find out whats eating you -
get out of the house but not to anyplace where food is available -because in the crazy brain mode you can not trust yourself.

I did NOT eat yesterday I did however make phone calls and prayed I called out to God and He answered me in the return phone call of a OA friend -she answered my text -

Crazy brain is real it is addiction it is compulsion it is ugly - it is feelings ...
BUT God has shown me I can survive my feelings and live another day -

surviving feelings isn't about someone making you mad or sad today mostly it is about stuff burried so deep you have no real clue whats wrong - you just get that feeling of anxiousness insecurity sadness anger fear--- and God - thru Jesus Christ is the only place to go to fix that kinda empty - no food nor drug nor drink nor wager can take care of these holes in our soul-

looks like I made it thru!! LOL

ok really I am still taking inventory but it looks like I made it thru this kid getting married stuff yeah it was hectic and yeah it was happy sad joyful and tense but I made it thru!! yay me!~!

then I crashed went on a sugar binge and really gosh compared to my sugar habit before OA this was nothing but it was off program it was me leaning on food instead of God it was outta control eating...sighhhh

I still just don't quite have the whole process down as far as reading literature and calling people and stuff I need to commit my food plan...what does THAT mean really? That I write it down that I measure and weigh stuff that I put it under a Dr's care do I go to court sign papers? Is there a judge involved?...ok ok haha
yeah yeah ...I heard at the meeting this morning this is WORK and they are right it is and like all people I want it easy.. I am tired of the hard stuff- counseling was the hard stuff - healing the hurts was the hard stuff- taking life daily is the hard stuff ...can't it ever be easy? Crap buying a bandy bar isn't even easy anymore!! Which is a good thing I guess.

But for today I can survive my emotions. and that my friends is better then any candy bar in the world.

tears today

the last couple of nights my sleep has been crazed with all the things to do today tho however it is hard to keep the tears away my baby boy is getting married and well I am not ready for this i guess it seems so like he has been forced to grow up thanks to family junk things that happened and now he is getting married I know he loves her I know she loves him it just seems so young.

I dont wanna lose my boy - I know that with him being a twin I was never ever first in his life but as his mom i was at least 2nd now moving on down the list and i know thats how it should be but it makes me sad non-the less..

ok gotta go get the 2nd cake in and get my butt in gear breathing and taking it one houre at a time!~

stress

oh my goodness...been hit with the stress bat.LOL right across my shoulders! it is just aweful!! I need a massage -- hopefully Monday when this is all over--
today I am cooking tomorrow cleaning Friday buying food -
Sat going crazy Sunday ...well yeah Sunday taking it EASY!

Today i have cardiac appointment to do an echo and a stress test
ha coulda just hooked a monitor up to me and let it record all week -

Tomorrow the food mobility test to see how the food is moving...if the food is moving... yeah gonna be a long fun day

lets see on a positive note Geeks in Pink got my hard drive opened and the stuff transferred to the new external hard drive yay!

wow

I can get comfort knowing I can survive my feelings

this was what God gave me as a word as a certainty at yesterdays meeting sounds simple right?
not so much in Kim world - the subject was comfort and how do you find comfort in recovery?
My friendly counselor Dave told me over and over when dealing with emotions feelings trauma life keep in mind Faith Facts then Feelings ...yeah yeah what did he know?? LOL
I always got so overwhelmed by my feelings and that started when I was so small that it was habit to operate out of feelings not fact nor faith and while Dave explained it was a great survival technique as a child it doesn't work so well in the adult world - unless you like the high drama that comes from that.

So today now in the present to KNOW I can survive my feelings is trmendous I don't have to split or hide - I don't have to eat them I can feel them and I will survive- I can survive tension anxiety sadness happiness change I can survive it - and I can do this only with Christ Jesus - my higher power as they say in 12 step groups.

I am doing well in the not over eating thing the compulsive eating thing - I am not running to food ok well maybe I am but I am not eating it!! LOL old habits die hard!

in the next week my son is getting married - Do I think he is old enough? no - but they never asked my opinion - next week I am having a stress test done at the cardiac doc - along with normal yearly echo and dr visit and having a food mobility study done to see how the radioactive oatmeal moves thru my system.,.. it is a lot of stuff in a busy week - but I got Jesus He will see me thru it and He is so much better then chocolate!

9 years ago today

9 years ago today a good friend and teacher at our school went to meet Jesus her Lord and Savior- it is such a blessing to know that someone is saved when they die and since that Ford F150 came outta nowhere and slammed into her car and she was killed it was a comfort to know her very last conversation was with a man whom was homebound and they discussed how you never know when it is your time and you had better be ready. Kristi was a special person a teacher a mom a wife she was a good friend to many and we were not ready to lose her that day.
9 years ... drinking driving .... wow don't do it - people who drink and drive and get caught only think of the devastation to their own lives of court and license suspensions but seriously what of those who have been killed by drunks? Aaron Rodrigus yeah illegal and drunk no insurance no license spent 3 years in jail our hope and Kristi's too I am sure is that he comes to know Jesus before he dies. she at least was ready.
thinking about those days after the accident Sept. 11th it was so hard we were so greif stricken about Krisit it was hard to take in the horror of 9/11 we would see people jumping from the burning buildings and yet our hearts were numb and empty of tears because of the loss of our friend. Our kids at Emmaus would see Krisiti's empty classroom and cry not understanding not wanting to accept yet on deeper level totally knowing she was with Jesus.
I know of one man who came to Christ thru Krisit's death thru watching his own childrens grief yet knowing her heaven status...
God is in the happy times And God is in the sad times....
Remebering Krisits today

IMA...walk.

went to an early meeting today it is one I love to go to but it is at 54th street so kinda far but a perk to that is I am right by the Art Museum..so today I went prepared with water and my ipod and went for my 30 min walk...yay!! It was so pretty!
Maybe it will be cooler to do it next week too!! Coz really it is still kinda hot out there for me!

we are going to the trailer this weekend I am SO looking forward to that the down side of it is I haven't got a new book to read! and the food thing I don't want to be tied to cooking but to eat healthy i guess i will be cooking!

ahh well going to any lengths for recovery!

Ha proud of myself

well there I can do this ...today I ran errands came home was feeling tired and anxious and just in transition and of course my first thought was comfort myself with food but the 2nd thought was NO I am not hungry so I said a few prayers and just calmed myself down ...got in touch with Jesus and felt calmer and didn't eat yay me!

Life is just a walk in the park

yesterday was a tough anxiety filled morning for an emotionally charged afternoon - For some odd reason I build up in my head these scenarios when dealing with my family that builds this horrible anxious feeling so that I almost can not breathe...I mean really Kim what is the worst thing that can happen? Nothing he is powerless over me nothing he can say about me nothing he can do to me - I am a grown up now I am an adult. He can not hurt me.
But that thought only gels later in the process...first I have to get thru the anxiety part!!
So yesterday at about 12 noon I was to the not breathing part when SNAP- it hits me -fear is NOT of the LORD -renounce this fear stuff and hold Jesus hand HE will get me thru this unscathed really seriously I KNOW this but yet when stuff like this comes knocking at my heart I revert back to that 7 year old who fears the night left alone with him.
I am so thankful to my husband who helped me deal with this yesterday we discussed our plan and Scott -who took the matter into his own hands and talked to Rick to let him know things are still as they were one family function does not make it all go away- we are still ready and willing to sit down with him and his wife to discuss what happened - not what happened years ago but in 2008 and 2009 - and until that discussion day happens I am left with praying for him and his family -
that's really all I got for him....

Things going on.........

So much stuff going on I feel like I needa lesson in how to run a family in 25 years...LOL
Because SURLY at the age of 25 ( which none of my children are yet) they will be self sufficient self supporting and wise ...yeahhhh well a mom can dream can't she??

kids that have gotten themselves in high debt Jes and her broken engagement and most importantly her broken heart.
Jenni and her hurting foot and Josh well who knows with Josh we don't see him often apparently we lost custody of him...no one told us!

my brother posting crap in the form of an apology? hummm not really sure and on facebook ...sighhh really??? Seriously Will he ever own up to and answer the real questions? probably not and for that i am sad.

lets see what else ...well thats probably enough Jeremy and Morgan have a wedding coming up quickly 1 month away and they have a big decision to make ... take whats behind door #1 or door #2?
sighhhh as the world turns,,,,

this bites..

well I can not eat...ha wasn't it just a few months ago I was wanting to stop eating?? yeah well whatever is going on with my stomach is still going on... seems like I can't eat solid food...it irritates my stomach so what the heck!

I drank liquids yesterday and Friday after calling the doctor and getting a different medicine and then this morning ate life cereal figured that was soft food ohh man could feel the yuck coming back up my throat and the pain in my gut so for lunch back to glucerna ... and now I am getting ready to go cook big dinner for the boys birthday ...yeah my favorites..meatloaf mashed potatoes green beans cake biscuits ....and hence the title this bites! I don't get to .....

Morgans shower

we had a great time doing Morgans shower! Tho Jes wasn't a part of it - due to her break up it was too hard for her -- My sister Missy came at 1 pm and thought the shower started then nope at 4 but was sooo thankful she got there that early to help us!! HA God is awesome!!
so here are some pictures the rest are on Facebook -