Wow it has been quite a journey these last few years - but especially this last year of being -admitting- surrendering to this addiction of food-So some of these revelations have maybe been mentioned in other past blogging of mine but here they are in totality ...
~*~My feelings won't kill me! yes that is truth I used to be under the grand illusion that if IF I would let myself feel the horror the sadness the pain of MY life I would surly die. That's right my own arrogance suggested that I hold a corner on pain and my pain must be much bigger then most so never ever feel it! And whats a legal way to not feel it? FOOD! Yeahhh wrong,
~*~I need to : A)accept the things I can not change and B) accept that there ARE things I can not change! like say what? I always thought that I had the power to change things that my juggling of feelings family relationships whatever that once again my arrogance allowed me to think I was all powerful ( of course when things went crazy outta control I would eat coz surly my feelings would kill me!
~*~that my cereal bowls are too big...yup you read it right - it was amazing while my Aunt Myra was here she couldn't get over how big our dishes are she wouldn't even use our "big" bowls for her cereal she used the little one cup dessert bowls... Ha who ever thought to measure your dishes ...so in our current dishes to say I had a bowl of cereal means I am REALLY having
2 1/2 servings.. I didn't set out to buy big dishes...but never thought it was odd either..hence the reason I am looking for another set of dishes with smaller sizing. And sadly enough it is difficult.
~*~ I still eat way too fast. Never once has anyone ever taken my food away from me- people in my life may not have liked the amounts or types of food I have eaten but no one has ever taken it from me! yet I eat like any minute now someone will snatch it away- slow down actually chewing my food will probably help my digestive problems!!
~*~ That 16 people do not need 3 ginormous pumpkin pies from Sams club plus other various desserts at Thanksgiving! OK this sounds funny but really I had to call my friend and get a reality check on this one -I had the panicked feeling that oh my gosh we might run out of pumpkin pie- of course I forgot I wasn't eating it - see the formula before was 1 pie was mine -yes it was. the 2nd one we the Family gathered at our tables would eat and the 3rd one would be our left over pie of which I would eat 1/2 of, so yeah we DID used to need 3 pies to ensure anyone else getting any pie!
~*~ that a smallish baked potato is one serving! I know right? ! I was getting out potato's the other night and for the 3 of us I thought maybe I should fix 4 why? so we will have enough! ENOUGH yeah then the Lord opened my eyes to see baked potato's at dinner are a side dish just like green beans or corn. I used to fix JUMBO bakers ! yes as a side dish . WOW no wonder the regular sized looked like it wasn't enough ( probably needed the jumbo ones to fill up the too big plates!!) I have never fixed 2 cans of green beans so there would be enough for the 3 of us!
~*~Natural Sugar from health food store is still SUGAR! Yeah trying to fool my body into thinking stuff like whey low made from milk is not sugar,.,,well unfortunately my body and mind sees it as sugar. And really if I use that whey low or "natural" sugar in a cake I STILL want to face plant and eat the whole thing . I am powerless over sugar! Powerless over food -period the end.
~*~that there has NEVER been anything too sweet or too rich for me to eat a lot of it! yes it has amazed me over the years to see a normal eater take a bite of something and say ohhh wheee that's too rich for me! uh really ? I'll eat it yours - mine -the whole pan! I love love love it the sweeter the richer the better!! If it is too sweet or too rich then you are an amateur!
~*~That I can live on 3 meals a day! shocking I know! wow I was amazed that it can work that way I was convinced as a diabetic there was NO WAY I would ever -EVER be able to do the 3 meals a day thing! And yes some days I need to have a snack to keep my Blood sugar up but there have been actual days where just 3 meals (3 regular meals!) have worked! who knew!! I always figured I NEEDED to mainline food all day to live!!
~*~Feeling full is NOT a signal to eat more! OK OK I know this sounds like well duh... but really for me feeling full either means throw up ( you know so you can eat more yes food addicts do this. it is all about control) or oh my gosh feeling satisfied better eat more coz if you are not feeling discomfort then there must be something wrong. Only addicts think that feeling like CRAP is a good thing. Eating until you are miserable drinking until you black out taking enough drugs to pass out - it is all about making a pain large enough to cover the pain you are currently feeling. You know feeling so full I gotta unbutton my pants =I no longer care about the betrayal in my heart.
~*~ Food is NOT the cure for physical pain. CRAZY I know but when my body hurts I eat- yes I am one of those people who never EVER lost weight with the flu- makes me crazy to hear someone say I was so sick and lost 3 pounds...please! I get sick and gain 5pounds! today my throat hurts all I want to do is eat -surly there is something here food wise that will make it better. I have a surgery -I think I need food for recovery. As a food addict I think food is the cure for everything that hurts. It is crazy to eat your pain away but that's what we try to do.
~*~ Normal people think they must eat dinner before eating something sweet - OK this one knocked me over we had a thing at church and Julie comes into the reception and I say hey want a piece of cake and she says...(wait for it...) NO thanks I haven't had dinner yet. ...yeah ..no really that's what she said and my thinking was SO?WHAT? you see she is a normal eater in a normal sized body who sees food as nutrition so for her she needed to eat good stuff before indulging in sweets to keep her body healthy ! WOW I really wanted to trap her and study her like a bug under a microscope. I mean REALLY pass up cake because theres some meat and veggies waiting somewhere?? My kind of thinking is eat a piece now and take one for later after dinner! But never woulda thought to wait!
OK this is all for now I am sure the Good Lord has more things for me to learn. And let me say these lessons are huge for me - and I hope for other addicts out there.
And I know I am being funny with it but there is real stuff here that I am learning real truths here for me.
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