arrrggghhhhh

those are my feelings and frustrations about putting up the Christmas decorations!!
I don't know where to put anything and the walls have that stupid finish so can't really hang things and lost a book case .... ok ok I just need to do it get it all out and figure it out!!
Stop complaining right???!!!
I want this to all look like Christmas and not sure that it is gonna happen I guess I need to just let it go and build again for this house ...get rid of the stuff I know I am not gonna use and buy for this house...
tomorrow is Dec 1st I better just get 'er done!!!

Mini 2007

The mini from my point of view...

Well I did it - I walked the mini all 13.1 miles ++ the ++ is of course the 28 min of walking it took to actually START the race...back in coral Z. yeah baby....

1 I did get to see an elite runner...well it was the wheel chair winner guy who was on his way back as we crossed what for us was 11/2 miles was for him mile 12....of course never saw a Kenyan..heck he was back home before I got to mile 5 ...LOL)

2. it was nice to see support from all the bands -to the kids -to even the elephants at the Zoo were waving us on...of course they are very smart animals those elephants ...notice -they were waving us on and not walking .,,,,

3. Odd things I saw were of course the Ronald Mc Donald guy being chased by the Hamburgeler ...there was Timmon from the Lion King , there was the Kentucky Colonel back from the dead... the colts blue guy .. got water from a princess , saw a young Darth vader there -- I herd so many cow bells ringing I almost mooed and there was the fire guy who was dressed in full gear of course everyone was like WOW - meanwhile I was thinking hey HE has an oxygen tank...carry an extra 100 pounds on city air only...

4. I did have to walk a lot by myself but God was good Just as I needed it there were class members who caught up to me and encouraged me on - it was awesome! Go Bricks to Bricks team spirit!! They even offered to get me back up if I wanted to get down and kiss the bricks...(at that point I am thinking it would have taken 10 men and a strong horse... uhh no thanks!!! LOL )


5. the track was great ..it was great to walk it - you know I am pretty sure tho for us ADHD'ers that 1/4 mile around woulda been just fine ...BUT what was even BETTER was the flushie toilets and no waiting ! Wow who knew after 7 water / Gatorade stops I would REALLY have to go!!!

6. I couldn't remember the song from the last night at training SO at mile 10 I wasn't sure was I supposed to pick up my feet and God put them down or visa versa......didn't really matter I basically Told the Lord he was gonna have to pick them up AND put them down .....


7. I did get a phone call on the mini I thought it was my son so I answered with "I am at the 12 mile marker...." the lady says uhhh I think I have the wrong number...I said well I am at the 12 mile marker tell me I am doing good....She laughs and says oh you must be at THAT mini thing...Then she says 12 miles your doing good! I said ok thanks have a nice day! and hung up... Wasn't that cool of God to send me a phone angel!!!

8. I did see a guy I swim with..he is 80 years old and of course 1/2 mile in front of me geesh,,,,( it's ok I can lap him in swimming!! uhh did I mention he was 80??)

9 people did like the shirt ( the first shall be last and the last shall be first) of course these people were all passing me....hummmm maybe they didn't get it....LOL

10. I told my husband I didn't really see anyone I knew,,,except the swimmer guy ,,,,and that is odd most people always remember me (I don't know WHY...!) Then I realized the people I hang with think this stuff is CRAZY!!

11.my feet Oh my feet -- my blisters have blisters honestly I got blisters big enough to have their own zip codes...OUCH!

12. the temptation .... first of there was all those lovely golf carts with equally lovely people driving them around I am thinking Satan get behind me...I kept walking on and ignored them then --I thought at one point hey I can fake a heart attack I bet that ambulance has A.C. BUT...my pride kept me away from taking any rides...then I saw some guy take off down some rail road tracks it wasn't a BIG short cut but it was one -again another big temptation...but my blisters prevented me from taking THAT route...See how God works....LOL

13 The finish ahh the big finish it seemed like it took FOR-EVER to get to that finish line... all I wanted to do was drop... but had to de-chip and get water and trick or treat the apples bananas cookies..(WHO thinks of this stuff?
. then they want to take your picture..( I am thinking this is not gonna be called a glammer shot!) . then it was off to find the tent...helloooo anyone seen that KLA tent?? Anyone ??

14. good things... I never saw the people sweepers (whoo glad of that!) I didn't have to use my rock.(YES I carried the rock 13.1 miles ) the people were all very nice! All those people and not one meanie in the bunch WOW! Maybe I can find some new friends in this bunch.

And I got that medal yup I have carried it with me for 2 days now ... it is pretty cool to know I did it..

My one Question to Ken is who did he make mad that the tent is all the way back to the 12 mile marker hummm??? Next year I want to be on Team First Aid they got a front line spot...

.................next year ----did I say next year???????

I have finished the race, I have kept the faith
Kim Shepherd

hummm now I know....

Now I know I have lost my mind I just registered for the Mini for 2010...yeah who knew I would EVER walk it again after the last time. I do know that in the next week I am going to get fitted for shoes not making THAT mistake again!!
Sooo with that I better get walking beofre training REALLY begins!!
Is it wrong to train for the training??? LOL

all the reasons I didn't ever want to do it again still probably stand ...but What the heck love the challenge.

oh my gosh seriously what have I done??? LOL

Thinking

I was thinking I need to do my 100 things again since I started this a few years ago maybe things have changed..maybe I have changed...no that's sill of course I have changed!!


my life is so much saner ... I am so much saner. is saner ever a word? I mean if you can be insane then surly you can be saner...
LOL

The holidays are coming ...maybe saner is not a good thing around the craziness of family-- Mt sisters hubby has decided he is done with the marriage ...I guess he has been tossing this around in his head for a few months and now well last week he decided to act on it - yesterday was Owens 5th birthday...happy birthday to him I know there is never a good time to break off a marriage but seriously right NOW? I want to thump Brad in the head...but maybe it will be better for the bigger boys since Brad didn't always treat them fairly .

heres how i feel about divorce,...and step dads...

My Step-Monster
Pain anger and hurt are racing through my head
As the memories of you fill me with dread
The yelling and the torture that you put us through
Does it ever bother you?
You were larger than life at the end of a bad day.
A little, little man who had to have his way
Did I salt the potatoes? Did I hang your shirts up right?
Was the sweeper run correctly? If not there was a fight
You hit with your fists, but your words hurt just as bad
We could always tell by the air if you were coming in mad
Hide – make me smaller trying to keep out of your sight
Listening and wondering if it was time to take flight
Out of the room or out of executive control
Out – just get out – anyway I could go
My mom just stood by and let you make me your prey
My mom just stood by and I was the one to pay
To pay the price of your anger, the price of your rage
The damage you did I am just beginning to gage
You were a bully of women and children of that I am sure
I know I will get past you – of you I will be cured
Be gone little man – get out of my head
Good bye little man of you I have no more dread.~~~
KS©2009

His Lost Children

Look! Look at His children what do you discover?
The broken bruised hearts of His children trying to recover
Those lost and alone in a world grown cold
To the suffering of His children so young – but old
Their clothes are brand new it’s their hearts that are torn
Shredded by the neglect to which they were born
Jesus is crying great woeful tears of deep sorrow
Jesus is saddened by the view of tomorrow
A world in which His children are tossed to the side
No one even caring how the divorces divide
Children – His children the love of His heart
Look how our world is tearing them apart
Babies – sweet babies born into drugs and booze
Little children left alone – so each other they abuse
Parents supposedly the guardians strong and secure
Have abandoned His little children once so pure
Now look at His children they crawl on bent knees
Looking to their heavenly Father to set them free
The extreme shame and pain that feeds their cries
Look! Look at His children their pain is ours alone
Look at His children for whose anguish we have yet to atone
KS 2009 ©

surrender......

hummm we sang a song that said I surrender all to you Lord...
and ...well i am thinking that ain't true for me not this week
I want to stomop myfeet throw a chair and yell WHY IS THIS SO FREAKIN HARD....
but really is it so hard? Or is it I am just not doing what I know to do.
there is a verse about that doing what you know is wrong and that is sin...

and I hear ole Pastor Dave sayin in my head Kim where is your focus?? IS it on Jesus?? and there ya have the answer...
it ain't hard at all...

tomorrow

why is it we always say we will wait till tomorrow -- rather it is to lose weight or say what we feel or don't feel if it is to do the things we hate to do or even the things we love tomorrow seems like it will always be there. And sometimes tomorrow never comes ...sometimes it is death but mostly becasue tomorrow is always on the horizion and in the morning when you wake up it is today not tomorrow ...so tomorrow never arrives which means we never say what we wanted to say do what we wanted to do or lose what we wanted to lose or gain what we wanted to gain in this life-

So I say lets do it today lets do it right now lets not wait till tomorrow because as the song goes....tomorrow is always just a day away!

Wow

it has been forever since I was on here -- shocking!!
Well today is my Birthday whoo hoo it has been a nice day
had lunch with my friend Shari then went and got a massage...now killing time till it is time for Gray Brothers...yummm

October and September has been a rocky month trying to find out what was / is causing this stomach problem the good news is they didn't find anything the bad news is ...they didn't find anything...

I started the implant process... got a bone graft and tooth pulled in a month or so I will get the titanium rods... sounds most unpleasant!!!

trying to not get wiggy about the upcoming holidays... with this junk with my brother - they still haven't contacted us to talk about what has gone on ...soooo the ban on him still stands it causes me anxiety and I just gotta keep letting it go -

The ball is in his court - he needs to do what he needs to do - me I gotta keep leaning on Jesus --

Jes is engaged wow really exciting -- she and I are going to be getting together for wedding plans this Thursday!

And I am going to start my training for the Mini - yup I am going to walk it again... only this time be trained and ready --

ok well thats all I know for now -

quiet

I need to sit and just be quiet--
to hear what God has for me - to get serious about hearing Him-
why can't I just be quiet? after all those years of head noise
it is so hard to be in the quietness of God.
the TV the radio the phone the dog - all begging my attention
day in and day out and yet God is also wishing my attention He has more for me then anyone and yet I push Him out with all the noise of my life

the last couple of years -5 years or so between the healing of my life and the roller coaster of emotions jes and school and the mistakes she made the boys and the craziness of the last couple of years - Jeremy and Morgan - Rick and all that goes with him and the things he has done to my family -
quiet being quiet --- God quiet -- is it even possible for me to sit in silence the doubting voice in my head says no way But I think with practice I can do it -

Sooo -- I better get to practicing being in the qietness of God

hummm

things that make ya go hummm
I think I have never really grieved the loss of the boys
and the sadness that goes with them moving out -- Jeremy i cried buckets over but not sure how much was the loss of him at home and how much was the grief over what happened with Rick and Morgan the cameras yeah... then us moving and Josh moving out actually we moved out first then he moved and then the getting settled and
well doing this book the one month to live - it kinda brought that grief to the surface I mean there was no grieving period for Josh coz we were so busy with the move - and also the whole how they have moved out moving in with the girl friends so wrong in Gods eyes -- it just makes me so sad that everything I worked so hard for-- looks to me like I failed -- and that hurts deeply
I realize it is them not me - but it still hurts .
What is it about kids---when you work so hard to give them what you didnt have and then it seems like they dump it all and don't look back--
I miss my boys - it was hard them coming 2 at once harder yet losing them 2 at once - and now I have to share them with these girls...seriously??? uggghhh breakin my heart and they have no clue

the good side of this is Jesus will take my grief -- He will give me joy in my sorrow - coz He always does!! Thank you Jesus -

Blahhhhh

After such a nice weekend it is hard to feel so tired...think it is the stomach meds ...it works to stop the bloat and the spasms but it makes be so tired...

We at our church are doing the book one month to live..it should be interesting tho i was whining about doing it ..I finally shut up and listened it is amazing what you hear from the Lord if you just shut up.

hummm

well it has been a whiole since I was on here ...been going thru some medical junk that hopefully will be figured out soon-- going for a scope of my upper GI which is much better then what will come second which of corse will be the scope of the lower GI...I dont know why they cant just put me out and scope it all...LOL meet them coming and going...so to speak...

Anyhow this weekend we are going Family Camping with people from our church so this oughtta be fun! tho I hate missing Sunday church...sighhh oh well gods got us in the woods too!!

I just want to say I love the Lord He is so increadably awesome all that HE has done for me to see me thru the crap-

For those who think life is hopekless well come and meet my Jesus -

We as a church are getting ready to do the book - one month to live--- and looking at what you would change in your life if you only had 1 month to live -- it oughtta be powerful...course my first answer is to heck with the diet ...chocolate all the way!! But I am pretty sure the auther means what legacy and what things of eternal value will you leave....
It makes me instantly sad becasue of the Rick junk thats gone on ... I do not hate him I just want him to admit what he is doing and get the help to stop.
He thinks it all can just go on ..like nothing ever happend ...well for me no it can not. -For my kids no we are not accepting perversion as the new norm-- He doesn't want to talk about it neither does Beth -- so life goes on for them ...but someday he will act on the wrong person and the police will be called and he will have to face the consequences...

sighhhh

found it!

wowzer! When I took Josh and Laurens senior pics back in April? May? I thought I left my nifty 50 lens at the park went thru the whole trauma of going back looking for it being mad at me for leaving it on the pic nic table ect... and last night looking for a tennis ball in the car for molly( yeah we were desperate!! ) I tucked my hand under the seat and low and behold there was the lens it was tucked up under the seat against the black seat track...no way coulda sen it! WOW! I am so blessed to have found it ...now tho I have 2~!! ahhh well...
it makes me happy that I didn't lose it!!

His Word

Have you ever just picked up the bible and held it and had it feel alive? Held it like a shield - like a blanket of Love and protection. Just that feeling of His words living and breathing and comforting .
Opening up to words on a page that are as alive as the heart beating inside your chest - Words that speak deep into your heart your soul and fill you with HIS loving guidance and comfort and wisdom. How the words come alove thru the Holy Spirit and when I see that to me it is like they jump off the page it is like they are all written in bold print and everyone should see the words that are speaking into my heart.
The Bible His Holy words to us Gods love poured out into simple words and phrases that can shape and mold our days our weeks our years our lives.
Bibles sadly laying collecting dust in the corners of peoples torn up empty lives... their hope their future lies in the good news contained between the covers of that dusty old book... if only they would pick it up.

I had a flat tire and my dog ran off in the rain....

I had a flat tire and my dog ran off in the rain....hummm sounds like a country song...but it was my life this morning ...
is it wrong to wish a thunderstorm on your poor dog who ran off to play ? When you know she hates storms...yeah thought so ...sighhh it just didn't start out to be a great day But I am sure once I eat lunch things will improve...I am almost done with this storage closet ...I just need to let go of some "stuff" that I no longer use ... I am so very good at advising others to let it all go just not so good at doing it myself...
ok off to eat lunch keeping my blood sugars on track ...
it makes me a much nicer person...LOL oh yeah and the Dog...miss molly she did come back ...love the smell of wet dog...NOT!

Getting things done

Well getting those closets done ...you know the ones I kinda stuffed stuff into --to get the stuff outta boxes...yeah those closets...
I still have to get the basement storage room done -

struggling with the weight thing walking eating right and the scale after the first 7 pounds not budging...sucks really
makes me just want to eat...and eat big ...but I am not.

my blood sugar has been messed up too so maybe that's playing a part in it...all I know is the scale better get moving the right way or I will pitch it out the door ...seriously I will -

oh well been like a walking fool but gonna have to be if I am gonna do the mini next year...ooops did I really just say that?? yeahhh well I am .. who needs big toe nails...
ok thats all I know for now

out of sorts

I feel out of sorts today but not out of my mind sooo that's good right?
I am not sure why I am out of sorts but have felt this way for a few days...a few weeks ... maybe because I am not turning to food ...maybe because we are doing a spiritual warfare series at church... maybe because as a mom I am still adjusting to the kidlessness of this new life - Jen is still a kid but less kid like everyday.
and how do I complain? I have such an awesome life an awesome hubby an awesome house... and great friends ...tho maybe it is because my friends seem to be moving on to other places ..it is another one of those shifts in life ... in friendships... moving has put me out of sorts it seems ...no neighbor friends...the family thing is still not resolved and soon the fall and winter holidays will be upon us... what I FEEL like is I have no soft place to land...I KNOW that is not truth ...FAITH FACTS FEELINGS... hummm gotta remember that...

pictues

Photos for the Millers... not so bad considering I had this sinus headache going on...

Women of Faith

Went to the WOF... and it was good...not great but good...and I think for me the not great part was probably that I am in such a different place then ever in my life. I am no longer in counseling life is hard sometimes but good ...so a lot of what was being talked on was not my issue ...now I am not saying
I don't have issues and there was a couple things that were convicting for sure and I will be taking those things out and un packing them ...but over all it was well different .

In a different time or place in my life I woulda been moved shaken stirred ...but this time not so much. had a good time tho ...just didn't come back all refreshed and jazzed not a mountain top thing...

my kids were all here today for the boys birthdays ...it kinda breaks my heart that our table is so different so stiff now it isn't the same easy thing of fun and laughter that it used to be when it was just us it is different hard Morgan and Lauren and Eric haven't meshed themselves into our fabric of family so there's just awkwardness that I hate ...will it always be this way? I hope not some days I want my babies back I want to call a do over and maybe we wouldn't be in this place now ...but then I guess it could be worse ..so I will keep what I got -and make the best of it -

cleaning

Finally cleaning and straightning the scrapbooking room closet ...all the things I kinda dumped there coz I had no place eles to put them...

I still have no place but thats ok if it isn't something I REALLY need then out it goes !

I gotta take my own organizing advice ...LOL

of course the first box I pull out has 2 spiders in it yuckkkkk
enough to make me give up and call it a day! BUT I didn't I persivered and now I have emptied a big box! yay me!