life is just a walk UP hill...lol

Should change the name of my blog to walking up hill...coz that's how I feel I've been walking. Uphill on one foot... since I've lost my abstinence that's how I feel...I have this rebellious feeling about being without sugar/ without sweets . My body craves the sugar and when I eat it -Sugar solves no problems it heals no wounds it protects me naught... it sure does make me bigger tho. And darn it all...my body feels the nirvana of the smooth chocolate gold that magic moment when the chocolate turns liquid on my tongue.
And that's where the problem lies...

If I am connecting nirvana with chocolate then it is definitely become an Idol. Definition of nirvana is: extinguishing,liberation so to lean on chocolate for this is wrong ...it is the the state of being free from suffering. REALLY?
Here on Earth we shall never be free of suffering. That's heaven not earth.

Then there is the compulsive eating it is me mainlining food all day eating to fill a need that usually can not even be expressed...no that's not true ...usually it is a need I just HAVEN'T expressed. I haven't explored it. Sometimes with compulsive eating you are so in the food that you really do not even realize you are eating - it is mindless...like it doesn't count,,,but obviously the calories make the pounds that show the world your addiction.

so there ya have it for today ,,,I am walking up hill...on one foot....

too skinny at last...lol

well a funny thing happened the other day... I was asked to be a catalog model for a medical supply catalog at first I was a little insulted because I was thinking they wanted me only coz my white hair - then she send me the details and WHAT? I may not fit the clients profile because i lost weight...ummm say again- yes it is for their Beriatric supplies!!! She thought of me because I was FAT!!! Bahahaha so yeahhh here I am all my glorious self and I may be too skinny!! Who woulda thunk it ...never have I posed fat for pictures!! hahaha you know normally you suck it in I was pushing it all out!! hahaha oh we shall see if I get the job!!

Honesty=Humility

yes it does... and being honest I have to mention my lost abstinence- eating cookies compulsively eating other things like corn bread. I define my abstinence as no compulsive eating and no sugar.

The road was paved with lots of bumps and looking backwards I can see how I was getting off the road and onto the grass - by not being in program materials not making phone calls not getting to meetings now that I can not drive . I could blame my surgery I could blame the holidays but really I can only blame me.

I had choices -- I chose NOT to use my recourse's such as the phone and online meetings my sponsor. NO I decided that I could do this I didn't even consult the Lord before eating nope I just did it myself.

So now it is starting over but it is not like being at the beginning because now I have some knowledge - and knowledge is power - while I am powerless over food I have the power to make good choices to make phone calls to attend meetings either on line on the phone or in person.

I have God - He wants me to succeed.

new year~ new beginnings...

My life has been defined for 25 years as MOM --and it has been a full time job... well with 2012 comes unemployment ...lol Jennifer graduates this year and no that doesn't mean my job is done by any means...but face it she goes off to collage my day to day JOB is done ...oh if she is like her sister which she is not I will be getting phone calls... she went to collage and I became more brilliant.

So who is Kim Shepherd and what does SHE want to do with the rest of her life and again what is God calling me to do. Will there be a book of poems published? will I work on the photography thing? How will God use my life for HIS Kingdom? What is my new calling...

Since I do not really know I guess I need to spend some time in prayer and meditation and maybe just maybe I'll make a dreams list-- you know those things I want to see and do before I die... so far my dreams have been accomplished my whole life I wanted to be a wife and mother and do a good job. And rankly even with the ups and downs that we have had I think I WAS a good mom . I can look at my adult children and be proud.

I love my life the good the bad the ugly,,,it is what makes me ME!

Anticipating the coming Savior.....

I love this time of year as we gather our families close at hand to celebrate the coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ... That God sent us our Lord in the form of a baby that He had to live and grow alongside us that He had to learn all about us thru His own life here on earth and then that He had to die a terrible death to save us.
I love Christmas because we carry that happy expectation on thru gifts and celebrations with family & friends the presents that we give can hold no candle to the Gift of Jesus from God to us. But what fun and joy it brings to me to give my children gifts of things they need they want they can not afford to buy themselves.

Our Sunday school class did the book/ study Advent conspiracy and thru that study they want us to think about Christmas and basically stop buying and use that money to help the poor... I really don't see why I have to feel guilty about buying things for my kids...we still help the poor- it really kinda made me angry doing that study because While I will agree we are a rich nation and we in America do not go hungry our poorest of poor in USA are richer then most in 3rd world country's yet I do not believe it is wrong to but the things my children want and need at Christmas.

Anyway I will worship my King tonight and tomorrow and celebrate Christmas with my family and give the gifts that mean a lot to my children and then after it is done the whole year thru helping those who are poor and needy ... seems to me it makes more sense to help the poor year around then just at Christmas anyway.

blessings abound

it has been a tremendous blessing me having this back surgery- why? because I am very good at doing for others yet not so good being done for! Having to have people bring me dinner has been a wonderful time of humility and blessing for me . To have such wonderful friends show up at my door every night with dinner for us has been a humbling experience for me . My heart is happy at the help the showing of love and friendship from those who have stepped up in this busy season to give us a hand.

Thank you to those who have blessed us may God bless you x2 this season!
love kim

Life After Back Surgery....

Well I made it thru the surgery now it's recovery time- and I am seeing how this is going to get real boring real quick -yesterday I kinda overdid it so today I am sticking close to my chair - over doing it means going to dr and then supervising someone else as they do your laundry... yeahhhh sucks !

today I am getting a bone growth stimulator to aid in healing I am now starting to notice there is this urge to eat I want comfort and sweets I think Christmas is gonna be hard food wise this year.

I am gonna have to stay wise -and careful

counting down..........

time is going quickly -the surgery is fast approaching ... I really have peace about it things are coming together very well i feel like I am prepared to go into this ... not sure if I will start freaking out tomorrow or Thursday,,, I still have Jen's Christmas to finish up and my pain meds to get lined up - called the surgeon's nurse today to discuss it,.. told her if I don't have the meds I will be staying at the hospital... lol So how do I REALLY feel inside? At peace I know God is in control of this whole thing He will see me thru it all. good bad or indifferent... lol

Got food things lined up now just trying to stay out of the temptation to have a "last" anything...

have been thinking about banana bread and other things that are NOT on my program..."comfort" food... yeah.......

Dear Lord...please be my comfort in this time please fill the hole that is craving comfort. Fill ME Lord with your goodness and love .

like a crazy woman!!

I've been moving like a crazy woman these last days ...trying to get Christmas bought and things cleaned and straightened and my food under control and keep up my exercise and wow by the time I have this surgery I will need to just lay around to recover from all of this!!

It has been weird to be buying Chiristmas before Thanksgiving and it will be even weirder to have it all wrapped and under the tree and the house all decorated before DEC 1st!

but get it done I must and will!!!

Josh and Lauren Engagement pictures... by me...

I shot Josh and Lauren's engagement pictures...I think I did a pretty good job...and she liked them sooo hey batting 2 for 2!! We shot at the Art Museum it was iffy with their new photog policy in effect...but hey the worst they would do is throw us out!! And that didn't happen! So here are the pics enjoy!

ok this one was just for fun!!

Happy Birthday to ME!

yup it's my birthday gonna party ...it's my birthday ..gonna party...lol

nahhh not really just happy with the blessings I have in this life and so grateful to my friends and family.

It is a beautiful November day out so going to grab my ipod and take a nice fast long walk get in a little extra exercise today and count my blessings . I am on the move to get things done before my upcoming surgery I have started the Christmas shopping and have been cleaning up my little messes in the closets and storage room ect... Next thing will be cleaning the house good . you know really cleaning it not just the surface but deep clean! Maybe get my hubby to get the windows all cleaned!

God is speaking into my life on so many things it is hard sometimes to wrap my brain around His goodness and His care of me! I am so pleased that I am able to please Him thru my abstinence that I am able to worship Him without the specter of the addiction looming over me standing between Him and me .

I am looking out the window and seeing the trees that are the color of Topaz which is my birthstone color and realizing that these warm oranges and deep yellows and reds are the colors of my soul... the only thing missing is the purples!! But as I look at the colors and read all the birthday messages today my heart is overflowing with love and gratitude of my friends and my family. And I do truly miss the ones who are missing . I pray for him and his family today - that they will find reconciliation with God and within our family. My heart grieves for his soul and I pray for him daily - but I know it is not anything I can do . He needs to come to the saving reconciliation of Christ in his life . I grieve that he is not a Christian and pray he comes to Christ.

So for today tho I am making my gratitude my attitude ! I am abstinent today by the Grace of God the strength of Jesus being my everything and the fellowship I share in OA

Happy 51st birthday to me!

what's important.....

Ok now don't anyone freak out about this post it's just something that's been on my mind for a while I am not planning on kicking the bucket anytime soon...but hey we never know when He will call us home and well...I like to be prepared...haha

Several years ago when I was so involved in many groups clubs organizations it seemed important to want to list them all so if I died they would all get honorable mention...you know like Pres. of Mothers of Twins club mem chair VP and picnic committee chair and there was PTO fundraiser chair VP and then Pres. ( or maybe not VP - I think I went straight to Pres...lol) there was Girl Scouts troop leader of 1480 and troop9 and Service unit chair of father daughter dance and cookie chair and PTL pres (at Emmaus Lutheran) head lice checker and other things...lol

Church committees PPRC Chair... and woman's groups did it all....ran it all... I never just belonged I had to run it. Big Sister for years thru Big Bro/ Big sis. org Involved with the EMMAUS org ( not school ) blablaba my coming met my going most of the time ---where is the eternal value in any of that busy work??

lol then as my life has evolved and my priorities have changed like

I met Jesus head on and my life changed.... my idea of what should go in an obit has changed...what I have done pish it's nothing who cares....And for a couple of years now I have told Scott and the kids that when I die list the family and then my cause of death ---yup I want them to be sure and put in my obit and even on my headstone this is what I died of and then add in parenthesis (Because she knew you would want to know!)

Of course I still like this idea...I was reading obits which I have always done and thought oh my gosh who writes these things they sound so lame ! So then I have been thinking well..hurumpf I'll have Jessica write mine she is a good writer no lame stupidly written obit for me!! Ok that's silly I know but read a few they are awful!!

And here recently as my heart is growing with Him more and more it came to me seriously what is it I want to be known for in my life is it my club work or my God work..well duh the only thing that is of any importance in my life's doings is that I LOVED JESUS with all my heart ...yup that's it...nothing else matters... not who birthed me nor whom I have birthed... not anything I have ran or belonged to nope the only thing that is of any importance is that I loved Jesus.

Of course with those thoughts in my head I was thinking of Pastor Dan and Pastor Carol preaching at my funeral and what I got a picture of is gathering all of my friends and family in a huge room...yeah I got a lot of both and then baring the door having some large men in black suites and sunglasses stand guard at the door maybe Scott Chandler in full police riot gear and tazer...hahaha and then letting Pastor Dan and Pastor Carol preach the word preach the message of LIFE to those who truly need to hear it and not the nicety nice junk nope the TRUE word of God that there is only ONE way to heaven that is thru Jesus Christ and you wanna life a sin filled life doing what you want living a homosexual life style or belonging to groups that declare a Master different then Jesus or addicted ( having idols where does your heart lay?) or in adultery or trying to wrap all your friends beliefs in a nice little mix of religions so we can all just get along-- or just plain lukewarm Christianity -- remember this HE will spew you from His mouth .( back to the Jesus vomit..)

So yeah I still want them to add why I am dead.. you know hit by a bus or cancer or old age...but the rest? Really all that is important is that they know I loved Jesus with all my heart all my soul and all my mind. And they need to love Jesus too.

character defects,,,blech,,,

ok it has been brought to my attention that I use the word REALLY a little too much and how am I using it? Well so I needed to look at that this week and figure it out am I using it to be funny or just how??

So I thought about it and how I have been using it and it is sometimes for humor but in this last week and honestly anytime I use it I am being sarcastic...

So looking up sarcasm-" it is passive aggressive a desire to attack while cloaking it in humor or just plain obfuscation......" (which means... to confuse, bewilder, or stupefy to make obscure or unclear)

"Sarcasm can be the result of bitterness and resentment towards a person at whom the sarcasm is directed or sometimes just bitterness towards life its self... - it isn't the sarcasm that's bad rather what causes it to be used."

Another thing I read about it is " the use of sarcasm is hiding behind a mask of inability to address something directly- honestly-objectively -"

Sarcasm - root of the word is to tear flesh-- OUCH!!!

so now I know...and in this past week I believe I was using it at God... imagine that me being passive aggressive towards God?! ahhhch

that's no way to be to anyone let alone God!! I used to be quite the sarcastic girl...coulda been my middle name and yes I will admit I wanted to tear that flesh at the person I was most sarcastic to. But as I went thru some healing and got better the flesh tearing had ceased... yet it apparently has creep-ed back even tho that person is no longer in my life. why? whats up with me and what gives to be sarcastic to GOD?? after all HE has done and is still healing in my life ?

So while I was a little taken aback when my sponsor asked me about that when I go back to my last blog post and see what I had been talking about and who I was saying it to... ummm REALLY??? ok thats funny and towards myself just had to say it but totally gotta stop no sense in tearing my own flesh ... So I need to change that little trait get out of my habits and look at the bitterness issue and how and who I've been sarcastic to and see is there bitterness in that relationship is there an amends I need to make to that person or a relationship I need to look at?

And if I am being sarcastic towards God then do I not have to address my arrogance ? Humble myself before Him and know He is God.

And even tho sarcasm can be used in humor that's not been my MO - i think it was most on target with the tearing of flesh.... sighhhh

so lets see that's sarcasm and arrogance ... 2 offenses at God ...yeah .... ok I got some work to do here...

Jesus Vomit = Luke warm Christians....

yeahhhh so Reading the Crazy Love and the Chapter on lukewarm Christians and realizing if we are not passionately living for Him and willing to give up things that are important for HIM then we are lukewarm Christians... and yes that's me too ,.,, how many times do I feel His nudging about prayer or reading scripture or even calling someone to give encouragement but I don't want to I would rather Facebook or watch TV or read a book or or or...yeah i can come up with a thousand different things to do .

This week I quit Bible Study Fellowship because I don't think that BSF is where God wants me and it was hard there is a Tuesday group at our church so I felt like I should go there and today I did. They are doing Beth Moore study on David awesome love Beth Moore love David so it's all good right? yeahhh I did the 4 weeks of study in one day (ya know Beth Moore studies are like dog years compared to other studies 4 weeks that's 20 days worth of stuff in 7 hours... WHO KNEW??!! that I could work like that! ) and I got caught up with the exception of the videos and was so darn excited to go to class and hear what God had for us today in this work I mean come on it is DAVID!! And no it was weak in insipid - oh The video was great but we might as well have done no discussion we practically didn't do any at all... I left the church crying out to God----REALLY GOD??? THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO INSTEAD OF BSF? SERIOUSLY?? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?? WHAT IS IT YOU WANT FROM ME IN THIS?

And there is the crux of it He wants my obedience it is not for me to like it it is not for me to figure it all out in this one thing it is for me to say ok Lord you are God you got this you just need me to be there if you are going to work thru me and in me I gotta be there .

So yeah I did 4 weeks in 1 day but that really ? was my fault God told me last May I was not to do BSF and to do this Tuesday study I didn't listen i was not obedient so if that's what I needed to do there's no joy in the doing that it was hard and I could hardly see last night !

So today I am practicing my obedience walk and today I am in this Bible study...And next week ...well who knows what next week will bring .... I just gotta show up.

Listening to God....

Today I am practicing my Crazy Love skills...Crazy Love for God... Crazy Love for Jesus... Crazy Love for others. Spending more time with Him,...reading His words to me - shutting up and listening for His voice... Praying for others.

I have heard Him speak about Bible Study Fellowship I was so not gonna go this year then as it got closer I thought oh really what the heck it is Acts...I did that 7 years ago maybe I need to do it again and then of course there's the lectures by Ann which I love and after there's lunch ! Cher Michele and Carol we go to eat and have a great time. Wonderful Christian fellowship with women I love, So whats wrong with THAT?

Nothing if that's where you are supposed to be. And unfortunately I do not think that's where I am supposed to be. I loved loved BSF the last few years yet this year so far it has been dull...the lessons the lectures...group is fine normally It takes a while for me to like or dislike the groups..lol but this year I really do not care,,, I am not even the group secretary which I've done for the last 4 years it was just kinda like i am not there, maybe because I am not supposed to be.

Anyway today I will clean my house and pray and listen for an answer on do I stay in BSF... or move on and if I am moving on Where am I moving on to??

The crazy thing is the post before this on Wednesday about the m&ms that's what THAT was all about I came home from BSF and was unsettled and instead of checking in and seeing hey whats the deal I wanted to bury it . I like my Tuesdays... my Ann lectures...My lunch with my friends...

Be still and listen....

Ha l laugh in the face of Peanut M&M's...

oh Lord please take from me this stupid addiction which creates an IDOL in my life.

yesterday as I was sitting idly around just watching TV when i have a list of things to do I became obsessed with peanut m&ms.,..now what you may or may not know about me is I am a Hershey's chocolate eater peanut m&ms are good but not my favorite...yet there were those Girl Scout camps that I always had peanut M&Ms in my pocket coz...well they just didn't melt like a Hershey bar would!! LOL

Now this is the insane part of this disease...I am working on 12 months of food abstinence,,,from Sugar and compulsive eating WHY would I break that for a food that is NOT my favorite??? To me this is the CRAZY part of this,

SO back to yesterday I was thinking I would just go to the store and buy a small bag of course my mind was not seeing any bags smaller then a pounder bag and frankly even that-- had I cracked that nut --would NOT have been big enough.
That's just it with this food addiction never is there enough. not one bite not one small bag not a pounder bag,,,it will never EVER be enough.

How does this translate into an IDOL? You know like those talked about in Exodus and Isaiah...well it is because I am feeling anxiety and discomfort and at odds within myself and I am seeking something outside of GOD out side of Jesus whom I claim to be my LORD ...for comfort.
I am looking to my IDOL of food to comfort me to sooth my feelings...

Smashing that IDOL on the side of the road... seeing HIM as my LORD and never food....

Thank you Lord Jesus for your love and your patience .

focus...focus...

these last few days my focus has been off...

and as I was trying to decipher my mood and why it was not so cheerful I realized I had lost my focus...

my Jesus Focus... I had apparently taken my eyes off of Him and put them onto myself... onto my life... onto my problems... onto my addiction.,..it really matters not what I put my focus on BUT the fact that HE is not my focus that's the trouble.

Somehow the big ME has gotten in my spiritual focus -- so back into nothingness I go.... less of me more of Him..............................

................. less and less and less of me....

addicted mind.....

the life of an addicted mind...is this--

there is cake in my kitchen ,...in my mind I have had the cake in my hands in my mouth savored it swallowed it eaten it all stuffed it down the first swallows brings the relief of the feelings of aggravation at being abandoned and not good enough this morning....the second swallows brings the shame of weakness and the rest not even tasting it as it goes down eating and not tasting because the food drug has done its work at numbing the feelings of my heart .

instead of doing this -- today I will call on God He is my Savior my Redeemer He will lift me up make me whole He is my EVERYTHING - thru Him I can feel good enough I am not abandoned-

it's hard to face all those feelings and cake first thing in the morning before 8 am...

but it is awesome that Jesus doesn't sleep in He is always there for me!

and the cake? yeah it will be heading down the garbage disposal ...

stupid cake.

end times.......

end times you hear this and think it is about Jesus coming back which I am good with that...but thats not what I want to talk about today--


end times like the end of childhood...


the end of things as we know it...


the end of a good book


the end of a bad time in your life...


endings are hard sometimes even when they are good endings


the end of how we have always done things...


the end of the money...


the end of a relationship ...


the end of the loaf of bread...


all these things can cause anxiety.. sadness... eating...


the end of our parents being parents truly means the ending of our own childhoods...


BUT....


then there are beginnings because every time there is an end there will be a new beginning of something


the end of your childhood means the beginning for better or worse of your adulthood


the beginning of a new loaf of bread means fresh bread!


The beginning of a paycheck is all the promises to spend better this month


the beginning a relationship means the fresh promises of something new and exciting


the beginning of a new way to do things can mean shaping the way things go blending old with new


the beginning of a new time in your life after a bad time has ended means you are wiser and more sure of what shouldn't happen and more sure when its right


the beginning of a new book...is a new plan of escape for an hour a new bout of knowledge to store for the future ..


Beginnings like new rain helps growth both spiritual and physical - mental and emotional...

It's time for a new beginning...

wow ...Beautiful Savior...

taking some time this morning to shut up and listen to God to not give my "list" of requests but to hear HIM - hear His word for me

to humble myself before HIM the awesome powerful mighty counselor~ healer~ redeemer., To go back into my history and realize my healing journey began 9 years ago and that somehow with the everyday living of life I have forgotten the wondrous miraculous healing of my soul.

Why am I still in this wilderness ? The Lord showed me that when HE put me in this wilderness the trees were lush and thick and green that was to keep me sheltered and hidden and quiet ... but that shelter has long since withered and the trees have grown dry and brittle the leaves and the pine needles have long since dried and dropped to the ground. Yet here I am still in the wilderness not searching for His direction not working for His kingdom just sitting alongside the dry and brittle debris in the dead wilderness. Does this not also indicate a dead and brittle me?

I have the notes ~ the poems ~ I have the Words He has spoken to me written down and stored away -not in my heart but in a cabinet .

So out with the notes back into the reading I go time to take HIS words to me to heart.

Time to self publish the poems time to come out of this dead wilderness and back into HIM . To HIS shady restful spot . Using the shelter of His wings as my shade using His words to quench my hunger and thirst. And His direction to determine where I am to go what I am to do,

Yeah this is chapter 1 of crazy love.

it terrifies me and excites me all at once But I realize whats been missing in these last few years of my spiritual journey. I have been living a hollow Christian life - living in the shell that once was me - time to plug back in to my power source . Dig out the notes and lessons He gave me as He put me back to wholeness... Time to fill the shell once so full~ now so empty~ back to fullness once again only this time full of Him -

Crazy Love is really not so crazy it is right .