Ha proud of myself

well there I can do this ...today I ran errands came home was feeling tired and anxious and just in transition and of course my first thought was comfort myself with food but the 2nd thought was NO I am not hungry so I said a few prayers and just calmed myself down ...got in touch with Jesus and felt calmer and didn't eat yay me!

Life is just a walk in the park

yesterday was a tough anxiety filled morning for an emotionally charged afternoon - For some odd reason I build up in my head these scenarios when dealing with my family that builds this horrible anxious feeling so that I almost can not breathe...I mean really Kim what is the worst thing that can happen? Nothing he is powerless over me nothing he can say about me nothing he can do to me - I am a grown up now I am an adult. He can not hurt me.
But that thought only gels later in the process...first I have to get thru the anxiety part!!
So yesterday at about 12 noon I was to the not breathing part when SNAP- it hits me -fear is NOT of the LORD -renounce this fear stuff and hold Jesus hand HE will get me thru this unscathed really seriously I KNOW this but yet when stuff like this comes knocking at my heart I revert back to that 7 year old who fears the night left alone with him.
I am so thankful to my husband who helped me deal with this yesterday we discussed our plan and Scott -who took the matter into his own hands and talked to Rick to let him know things are still as they were one family function does not make it all go away- we are still ready and willing to sit down with him and his wife to discuss what happened - not what happened years ago but in 2008 and 2009 - and until that discussion day happens I am left with praying for him and his family -
that's really all I got for him....

Things going on.........

So much stuff going on I feel like I needa lesson in how to run a family in 25 years...LOL
Because SURLY at the age of 25 ( which none of my children are yet) they will be self sufficient self supporting and wise ...yeahhhh well a mom can dream can't she??

kids that have gotten themselves in high debt Jes and her broken engagement and most importantly her broken heart.
Jenni and her hurting foot and Josh well who knows with Josh we don't see him often apparently we lost custody of him...no one told us!

my brother posting crap in the form of an apology? hummm not really sure and on facebook ...sighhh really??? Seriously Will he ever own up to and answer the real questions? probably not and for that i am sad.

lets see what else ...well thats probably enough Jeremy and Morgan have a wedding coming up quickly 1 month away and they have a big decision to make ... take whats behind door #1 or door #2?
sighhhh as the world turns,,,,

this bites..

well I can not eat...ha wasn't it just a few months ago I was wanting to stop eating?? yeah well whatever is going on with my stomach is still going on... seems like I can't eat solid food...it irritates my stomach so what the heck!

I drank liquids yesterday and Friday after calling the doctor and getting a different medicine and then this morning ate life cereal figured that was soft food ohh man could feel the yuck coming back up my throat and the pain in my gut so for lunch back to glucerna ... and now I am getting ready to go cook big dinner for the boys birthday ...yeah my favorites..meatloaf mashed potatoes green beans cake biscuits ....and hence the title this bites! I don't get to .....

Morgans shower

we had a great time doing Morgans shower! Tho Jes wasn't a part of it - due to her break up it was too hard for her -- My sister Missy came at 1 pm and thought the shower started then nope at 4 but was sooo thankful she got there that early to help us!! HA God is awesome!!
so here are some pictures the rest are on Facebook -

was I truely so stupid....

ok really did I post an announcement that it had been uneventful here?? REALLY well crap what was I thinking????

Eric and Jes have broken up He has decided she doesn't make him happy.... well o-k it wasn't mutual he just decided with no conversation just we are breaking up - so Tuesday & Wednesday was spent in the throes of heart break and tears - for her anger from him when she told him to get his stuff and move ( yeah he thought he would break up but stay there until aug...) anyway they are getting the break up figured out she is still sad but dealing .

Me ...? I don't know I really liked him he seemed like he had stuff together yeah he had some family issues but not anything he couldn't overcome ...except he didn't /doesn't think it is anything to overcome.... just sad for Jes she was so excited about planning a wedding of course now I can understand his reticence at planning....

It's also hard coz here's Jeremy and Morgans shower this Sunday and Jes is supposed to be putting it on with Jen and the last place she wants to be is anywhere near a wedding shower!!!
AHHHH WELL.....

LIFE GOES ON I SUPPOSE-

In August there will be a 50th wedding anniversary for Aunt Sandy and Uncle George... and Rick and Beth of course are invited...
of course they are........ sighhhh so need to talk with Scott we will probably go not sure if Jes will Jeremy and Josh too will have to decide-
uggghhh I am making cakes for this event . Sometimes I just wish he would move away... then this wouldn't be a problem at least for us .

its been non eventful here

which is a good thing...oh well other then Jennis wreck where she totaled her car...ya know everyone says God was her co piolet I say oh heck no God was driving that car!!! LOL She is too young a driver to have done that driving and maintaing it in a spin!!

Lets see what else working with Morgan and Jeremy on the wedding stuff the girls were here last night working on Shower stuff...
Morgans shower is the 1st of Aug so tick tock!

jes made an observation yesterday we went to Panera bread and there was someone I knew then we went to Boardwes and there was 2 different sets of people I knew and she was like you will be known for how many people you know..LOL

So I guess THAT could go on my tomb stone " she knew a lot of people" LOL

went out shooting Chers kids yeaterday ended up with some great shots!







these are just a few~!

3rd of July Fun

well our 2nd year here on the park way...LOL Got brownies in the oven and everything is pretty much ready for people to come and celebrate out indy-pendence ...
Gos is so good to us in this nation of ours people have no clue and then there are these leaders who are trying their best to ruin what we have here. But God is the equalizer in this world and in the end He reigns!!

He Jesus Christ is our Freedom He gives us indy-pendence!

anxious

that seems to be the feeling of the week-- anxiety not sure about what maybe about having to feel the "feelings" my feelings good or bad I am so used to eating my feelings instead of feeling them -

I still haven't done my 4th step yet need to but not today!

Today is our 25th anniversary




we are going to dinner tonight - and maybe a movie - 25 years thats a huge ammount of time!
Wow -

the 4th step

the 4th step is taking a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Well I think I would rather eat snails...I mean REALLY I could do that for someone else lots of people out there that I could make that inventory about them!! HA but about myself? Am I not perfect already?? HA
no this is going to be a hard step to make this fearless inventory of the things that eat me or the things that make me eat...

so on with the step work I guess ... stop the procrastination already Kim and get on with it.

And uhhh no i am NOT listing it on this blog!

Candy Porn

oh my goodness...yesterday afternoon I got Molly and in the car we went to the Walgreen's I was on a quest to buy a gi-normous tootsie roll bar ..yum I wanted it I could taste it the oooey chewy gooey taste of ..what humm it isn't really chocolate...I don't know ...what is the tootsie roll flavoring? anyway I got to the Walgreen's and went inside only to find out NO gi-normous tootsie rolls so I then touched and ogled the Butterfingers the twixt and the milky way bars ...walked up and down the aisle trying to decide ...maybe get me a bag of the mini tootsie rolls nahhh to much work unwrapping them.. but there was a bag of Hershey nuggets yummmm

STOP
seriously what is going on so out of the stor I went and back into the car and onto the phone making a OA phone call - ok I shoulda made the call before leaving the house -- such is the life of addiction.

getting by......

Have ya ever just found when you looked at where you are in life that you are "just " getting by? That's my feeling today as I look at my life - I feel like I have been living in indecision these last 4-5 years ...long time right? yeah well when Jes graduated from School I still had the other 3 kids at home in sports busy - and then as they are aging out of the program (HA!) so to speak - I am just kinda hanging in there --

I still have no real routine ( OK my excuses before was it was too hard with the kids who's routines were always changing...LOL) Now I waste so much time .its just crazy - in those 4-5 years I was going thru the last of the mental healing and the couseling and so the changes were many and I had a hard time just keeping up - but now the main things I need to change eating compulsivly - shouldn't be so hard. It IS but it shouldn't be after all the other stuff thats changed in me! This should almost be the easy part!

Ok so what am I going to do about it? I am setting up those blasted routines that it seems everyone else in the workd has but me - and Work them - like they say in OA it works if you work it!

Routines - uggg they feel like straight jackets but I know they are not- after 25 years of being a wife maybe it will be good to have a laundry day!
yeahhhh we will see.

yay me

wow last night I was majorly stressed - Jes and Eric had some troubles which ended her up on my door step sobbing ( this is now fixed) but by the time she left it was close to dinner time Scott was still off in Brown County Jen was with Jes...and I had no plan for dinner I was thinking chocolate!! and popcorn ...yummm or chips and chocolate I went so far as to put on my shoes and I stopped myself read some OA stuff prayed and called my friend Peggy we talked and then i made popcorn for supper and didnt go to store for candy yay!!

The Happiest Place on Earth OR Babylon...LOL

Babylon...oh I mean Walt Disney World ...oh my goodness the spending the excess...the crazy stressed out kids and parents...uhh yeah we did have a great time but wow it makes you look at things differently! Or at least I am looking at things differently - you know a few years ago I woulda come home with tons of trinkets this year it was my husband who wanted to shop ! the one thing I picked out at the park was a Christmas ornament that got confiscated at the airport!! it was a snow globe...sighhhh LOL
here is a funny picture of a little girl dressed as a Fairey...she looks like she was captured and is being held against her will!!


There was this thing called bibidy Bobidy Boo where you go to get the princess make over a family at our Resort paid $200.00 tio have the cinderella makeover for thier daughter who by the way is 6 - yikes there were plenty of familys who were doing this it was crazy!!
Anyway it was great to go and learn I have everything I really need right here!
WDW...is not truly the happiest place on earth naaaa it is not!
I will post more pics later for now it is back to the house cleaning!

gotta rethink my thinkin...

God is so so absolutely awesome how He gives you the truth thru others words and from your own experiences with Him it just gives you a solid rock on which to stand!

I wish I had a great use of words to poetically describe whats in my heart and Mind about Him-- I don't darn it!
Today I wanna say Jesus is my Rock Star...LOL He is my everything
and this food thing IS something thru His help I can whip -

While I believe OA is helpful and all and it is worth going to meetings and doing the steps my hope does not lie in OA but it is in Jesus!

ok there sheesh ... it has been a little crazy in my head trying to get this point. all OA stuff talks about is how great program is and it is a great program but there is only hope in Jesus

alrighty now any questions?? ha

chocolate dreams and butterscotch kisses.....

oh my gosh this is crazy to have your brain so programed that at the first sign of stress aggravation pain of the physical or mental or emotional to EAT.
I mean really who and why and how did we get here?
Skinny people obviously do not think like "oh ouch my head/back heart hurts I should go eat!" or "he makes me so mad I should get a chocolate bar" or "what! the bills are so high i should go get candy."
this isn't even like a obvious thought it is automatic !
transitions...are hard for me I am not sure-- like why when we get done eating and people are on the move from one room to another on to the next thing and no matter how full i am it triggers something in my brain to eat - maybe it was the moving around as a kid from Mom's house to Dad's on the weekends never ending up where I wanted to be so now when life around me changes just the slightest it triggers the eating thing. I know it is a comfort thing I am just not sure what it is I need in order to NOT need / want the chocolate...
I guess before things change I need to run the serenity prayer thru my brain... have it tatooed on the inside of my eyelids!!

ok well enough crazy for now!

oh my goodness,...

been looking the last 2 days at wedding venues...wow so expensive!!! but i really think we have found the place...

working on the 3rd step in OA.. giving my food control to the Lord...yeah prying my cold fingers off of it. It is very hard. it is like the last thing the Lord is saying for me to do here in this part of my life ..let it go girl...there as a daily reading that said - trust in God with your food He will not steer you wrong where as this disease will this disease will tell you it is ok to put poison in your body...God not so much He will not tell you it is ok to eat to kill your self.
So why is it easier to listen to this disease then to listen to God?

so now I have a food sponsor someone to be accountable to with my food plan.

lets see what else...getting ready for Disney -yeah - finding the right shoes to walk in and clothes...it was easier when the 4 kids were smaller some how some way!!! LOL

And my nephew writing to me from the DOC in logansport...sighhh I gave his mom and brother the address but have they written him uhhh no - I guess I will get a money order for him for postage and give him his moms address...

ok well thats all for now!

struggling in addiction

struggling in my addiction the addiction of overcoming troubles by eating... it is crazy ---food is fuel it is not peace it is not strength in the emotional part of it --food is substance it gives life but it can not heal or help you emotionally - I KNOW this in my heart in my mind but yet when something causes me pain or indecision or anguish I reach first for food - sometimes it is physical reaching as in I go to the kitchen but mostly firstly it is mentally reaching oh that hurts --- mentally I think of which food is going to make it better -- make me feel calm or soothed or comforted or what food quells my anger . Food is never what tastes good as much as what is it going to do for me.. that is so wrong.

My mom is living in squallier she has not sought help in her anger or her despair over this junk with Rick so once again she is living in a pit - her little bitty apt is full of junk she has stacks of stuff on every flat surface and sliding off onto the floors she has her coffee table so full that even if she wanted a book or paper from the middle of it - it would be frightening to pull it out for fear of a cascade of paper and books - it is a shame really but yet there's nothing I can do . She will not let me help her she will not go seek help on her own .this is not my fault -it is not of my making. So now I guess we wait until the Apt. figures it out and does something .

But for today I will not eat these problems of mine...one day at a time I will work on this .

a prom night

I took pictures for my friends daughter for Prom .. Center Grove - Taylor is hysterical and the camera LOVED her!
it was great!

thinking thoughts...LOL

wow been thinking today ...was cleaning and watching hoarder shows and this lady was a lot like my mom ... my mom is a hoarder and I am not one only because I work at NOT being one,. tho I think at one time I might have been on my way to being one.
anyway as this lady talked and they showed her outside life ( meaning the life she shows to others at her work ect. ) She was very much like my mom - very with it funny outgoing . Helpful to people but then she would go home and there were collections and recycling and junk stacked to the ceilings.
The last time I was at my mom's apt. when she had the carotid surgery I almost fell slipping on magazines that had fallen over the magazines she couldn't throw out because she needed to black out her name and address...then there's the clothes she has collected? for the Philippines..it has been months and months since the disaster that got her collecting for them... and her tables are full underneath and on top there is no clean clear flat surface... there was something rolling in her fridge that was smelling up the apt. it was a murky mess in the bottom drawer ... and in the midst of all that mess she had a card table out with a craft project on it ... sighhh yeah she only lives in about 650 sq feet space and it is FULL... of stuff... a repeat of what she did in AZ wow I just got that this has come on in the last year or so once again because she is not wanting to deal with the stuff between me and Rick- thats when she did this in AZ... ah well It is not something I can change her hoarding habits I have my own disease to deal with.
like the sernity prayer says
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference..
Amen