anxious

that seems to be the feeling of the week-- anxiety not sure about what maybe about having to feel the "feelings" my feelings good or bad I am so used to eating my feelings instead of feeling them -

I still haven't done my 4th step yet need to but not today!

Today is our 25th anniversary




we are going to dinner tonight - and maybe a movie - 25 years thats a huge ammount of time!
Wow -

the 4th step

the 4th step is taking a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Well I think I would rather eat snails...I mean REALLY I could do that for someone else lots of people out there that I could make that inventory about them!! HA but about myself? Am I not perfect already?? HA
no this is going to be a hard step to make this fearless inventory of the things that eat me or the things that make me eat...

so on with the step work I guess ... stop the procrastination already Kim and get on with it.

And uhhh no i am NOT listing it on this blog!

Candy Porn

oh my goodness...yesterday afternoon I got Molly and in the car we went to the Walgreen's I was on a quest to buy a gi-normous tootsie roll bar ..yum I wanted it I could taste it the oooey chewy gooey taste of ..what humm it isn't really chocolate...I don't know ...what is the tootsie roll flavoring? anyway I got to the Walgreen's and went inside only to find out NO gi-normous tootsie rolls so I then touched and ogled the Butterfingers the twixt and the milky way bars ...walked up and down the aisle trying to decide ...maybe get me a bag of the mini tootsie rolls nahhh to much work unwrapping them.. but there was a bag of Hershey nuggets yummmm

STOP
seriously what is going on so out of the stor I went and back into the car and onto the phone making a OA phone call - ok I shoulda made the call before leaving the house -- such is the life of addiction.

getting by......

Have ya ever just found when you looked at where you are in life that you are "just " getting by? That's my feeling today as I look at my life - I feel like I have been living in indecision these last 4-5 years ...long time right? yeah well when Jes graduated from School I still had the other 3 kids at home in sports busy - and then as they are aging out of the program (HA!) so to speak - I am just kinda hanging in there --

I still have no real routine ( OK my excuses before was it was too hard with the kids who's routines were always changing...LOL) Now I waste so much time .its just crazy - in those 4-5 years I was going thru the last of the mental healing and the couseling and so the changes were many and I had a hard time just keeping up - but now the main things I need to change eating compulsivly - shouldn't be so hard. It IS but it shouldn't be after all the other stuff thats changed in me! This should almost be the easy part!

Ok so what am I going to do about it? I am setting up those blasted routines that it seems everyone else in the workd has but me - and Work them - like they say in OA it works if you work it!

Routines - uggg they feel like straight jackets but I know they are not- after 25 years of being a wife maybe it will be good to have a laundry day!
yeahhhh we will see.

yay me

wow last night I was majorly stressed - Jes and Eric had some troubles which ended her up on my door step sobbing ( this is now fixed) but by the time she left it was close to dinner time Scott was still off in Brown County Jen was with Jes...and I had no plan for dinner I was thinking chocolate!! and popcorn ...yummm or chips and chocolate I went so far as to put on my shoes and I stopped myself read some OA stuff prayed and called my friend Peggy we talked and then i made popcorn for supper and didnt go to store for candy yay!!

The Happiest Place on Earth OR Babylon...LOL

Babylon...oh I mean Walt Disney World ...oh my goodness the spending the excess...the crazy stressed out kids and parents...uhh yeah we did have a great time but wow it makes you look at things differently! Or at least I am looking at things differently - you know a few years ago I woulda come home with tons of trinkets this year it was my husband who wanted to shop ! the one thing I picked out at the park was a Christmas ornament that got confiscated at the airport!! it was a snow globe...sighhhh LOL
here is a funny picture of a little girl dressed as a Fairey...she looks like she was captured and is being held against her will!!


There was this thing called bibidy Bobidy Boo where you go to get the princess make over a family at our Resort paid $200.00 tio have the cinderella makeover for thier daughter who by the way is 6 - yikes there were plenty of familys who were doing this it was crazy!!
Anyway it was great to go and learn I have everything I really need right here!
WDW...is not truly the happiest place on earth naaaa it is not!
I will post more pics later for now it is back to the house cleaning!

gotta rethink my thinkin...

God is so so absolutely awesome how He gives you the truth thru others words and from your own experiences with Him it just gives you a solid rock on which to stand!

I wish I had a great use of words to poetically describe whats in my heart and Mind about Him-- I don't darn it!
Today I wanna say Jesus is my Rock Star...LOL He is my everything
and this food thing IS something thru His help I can whip -

While I believe OA is helpful and all and it is worth going to meetings and doing the steps my hope does not lie in OA but it is in Jesus!

ok there sheesh ... it has been a little crazy in my head trying to get this point. all OA stuff talks about is how great program is and it is a great program but there is only hope in Jesus

alrighty now any questions?? ha

chocolate dreams and butterscotch kisses.....

oh my gosh this is crazy to have your brain so programed that at the first sign of stress aggravation pain of the physical or mental or emotional to EAT.
I mean really who and why and how did we get here?
Skinny people obviously do not think like "oh ouch my head/back heart hurts I should go eat!" or "he makes me so mad I should get a chocolate bar" or "what! the bills are so high i should go get candy."
this isn't even like a obvious thought it is automatic !
transitions...are hard for me I am not sure-- like why when we get done eating and people are on the move from one room to another on to the next thing and no matter how full i am it triggers something in my brain to eat - maybe it was the moving around as a kid from Mom's house to Dad's on the weekends never ending up where I wanted to be so now when life around me changes just the slightest it triggers the eating thing. I know it is a comfort thing I am just not sure what it is I need in order to NOT need / want the chocolate...
I guess before things change I need to run the serenity prayer thru my brain... have it tatooed on the inside of my eyelids!!

ok well enough crazy for now!

oh my goodness,...

been looking the last 2 days at wedding venues...wow so expensive!!! but i really think we have found the place...

working on the 3rd step in OA.. giving my food control to the Lord...yeah prying my cold fingers off of it. It is very hard. it is like the last thing the Lord is saying for me to do here in this part of my life ..let it go girl...there as a daily reading that said - trust in God with your food He will not steer you wrong where as this disease will this disease will tell you it is ok to put poison in your body...God not so much He will not tell you it is ok to eat to kill your self.
So why is it easier to listen to this disease then to listen to God?

so now I have a food sponsor someone to be accountable to with my food plan.

lets see what else...getting ready for Disney -yeah - finding the right shoes to walk in and clothes...it was easier when the 4 kids were smaller some how some way!!! LOL

And my nephew writing to me from the DOC in logansport...sighhh I gave his mom and brother the address but have they written him uhhh no - I guess I will get a money order for him for postage and give him his moms address...

ok well thats all for now!

struggling in addiction

struggling in my addiction the addiction of overcoming troubles by eating... it is crazy ---food is fuel it is not peace it is not strength in the emotional part of it --food is substance it gives life but it can not heal or help you emotionally - I KNOW this in my heart in my mind but yet when something causes me pain or indecision or anguish I reach first for food - sometimes it is physical reaching as in I go to the kitchen but mostly firstly it is mentally reaching oh that hurts --- mentally I think of which food is going to make it better -- make me feel calm or soothed or comforted or what food quells my anger . Food is never what tastes good as much as what is it going to do for me.. that is so wrong.

My mom is living in squallier she has not sought help in her anger or her despair over this junk with Rick so once again she is living in a pit - her little bitty apt is full of junk she has stacks of stuff on every flat surface and sliding off onto the floors she has her coffee table so full that even if she wanted a book or paper from the middle of it - it would be frightening to pull it out for fear of a cascade of paper and books - it is a shame really but yet there's nothing I can do . She will not let me help her she will not go seek help on her own .this is not my fault -it is not of my making. So now I guess we wait until the Apt. figures it out and does something .

But for today I will not eat these problems of mine...one day at a time I will work on this .

a prom night

I took pictures for my friends daughter for Prom .. Center Grove - Taylor is hysterical and the camera LOVED her!
it was great!

thinking thoughts...LOL

wow been thinking today ...was cleaning and watching hoarder shows and this lady was a lot like my mom ... my mom is a hoarder and I am not one only because I work at NOT being one,. tho I think at one time I might have been on my way to being one.
anyway as this lady talked and they showed her outside life ( meaning the life she shows to others at her work ect. ) She was very much like my mom - very with it funny outgoing . Helpful to people but then she would go home and there were collections and recycling and junk stacked to the ceilings.
The last time I was at my mom's apt. when she had the carotid surgery I almost fell slipping on magazines that had fallen over the magazines she couldn't throw out because she needed to black out her name and address...then there's the clothes she has collected? for the Philippines..it has been months and months since the disaster that got her collecting for them... and her tables are full underneath and on top there is no clean clear flat surface... there was something rolling in her fridge that was smelling up the apt. it was a murky mess in the bottom drawer ... and in the midst of all that mess she had a card table out with a craft project on it ... sighhh yeah she only lives in about 650 sq feet space and it is FULL... of stuff... a repeat of what she did in AZ wow I just got that this has come on in the last year or so once again because she is not wanting to deal with the stuff between me and Rick- thats when she did this in AZ... ah well It is not something I can change her hoarding habits I have my own disease to deal with.
like the sernity prayer says
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference..
Amen

Picture time with Aunt Beckys dogs...

Zach and Zoey ...they make me laugh!

something happend on the road to recovery

it has been a hard couple of days...lost my abstinence
yeahhh a friend at BSF asked me how it was going and I told her well I killed it on Sunday
buried it on Monday
and was resurrecting it today (Tuesday)
It kinda went along with the John 20 that we had just studied...

I have realised that I need to surrender... not JUST to God ...not JUST to this disease but to all things in my life that I CAN NOT change... ie Surrender to pain in my body...
I do not acknowledge pain ..I walked the mini on a broken foot I climbed up the natural bridge in Ky. Red River Gorge with a broken foot...it wasn't until July ( broke it in April) That I finally acknowledged it HURT
Thats just CRAZY! I have had this back pain Sciatica? For a YEAR--- I am just now going to the Doctor about it. I have been a medicine taking Diabetic for 2-3 years I am just now acknowledged hey I can't eat sugar...duhhh

So I need to surrender to the pain I feel physically & emotionally...Why is this so hard for me to do??

Mondays..

Mondays are like new beginnings - new weeks new thoughts new plans everything seems new on Monday - people start new diets new work out plans new routines new habits to start or habits to break it all starts on Monday- who knew Mondays would become so powerful?

Me now I think the power of a week starts on Sunday- the day we give it all up and go worship the Lord and King Jesus Christ.
Sundays are the day that we make commitments and re dedications to Him the one that matters. Having a good Sunday can make or break your week. If we are not putting HIM first in our week thats when things go wrong.

So in my mind just sayin ....Mondays are nothing without a great worshipful Sunday before it.

Saturday blues...

what a dreary day ...of course saying this I realize I have been down in my basement for the last 4 hours so really the sun could be shining and I wouldn't have a clue!

I took Peggys nephews senior pics yesterday and am going to take a friends kids prom pics tonight ... I am praying the Lord will give me the steady hand and good eye that I need to do this.

I also have figured out I am a little insecure when it comes to this... I see all the flaws in the pics . So none of them look good.

as I am cleaning the scrapbook room I am watching a show called too many babies...it brings back so many memories of the twins as newborns... Ok not as bad as these people with 5 babies...but the not sleeping the emotional ups and downs of life with multiples!!

she says this mom of 5 babies I can't wait until it get's easier...sighhh should I tell her she is fooling herself this 1 st year is the easiest year?? LOL!!!!

wait until she has 5 teenagers... HA!

got it

well today the certificate came showing the copyright of the survivors tears survivors joys... wow -
I think it makes them real...I am not sure ...why..
anyway it is they are and that's that...

Camping was great ...can we call it camping since we were at the trailer?? LOL not sure ..but I really enjoy that group of girls.

I am looking at this scrapbooking room and realizing I must do some cleaning up and out this room becomes a don't know where else to put it out it there room...LOL
and my lovely daughter at this computer doesn't help either!! she is a bit of a slob...

Jen gets her drivers license this week if it all works out time wise - not sure how i am feeling bout that on one hand it will be a relief to not have to spend so much time in the car waiting but on the other hand sheeshh it puts me out of a job and it was nice all the reading I got done in that waiting time!!

ok well thats all I got today

whooo Hooo

I got the poems copyrighted ...
I do not know why that is so important for me..
to me but it is ...
and I am happy. :)

the food poems...

Food as a hammer pounding my soul
Beating me down swallowing me whole
Damage and destruction that swirls thru the night
Shredding my heart too devastated to fight
Letting the food demons take over my life
Giving them reign and a powerful knife
They use it to cut me and feed on my pain
Giving them my power to serve as their grain
Distorting my focus distorting my view
Leading me astray from what is true
Food like a beast with its power and might
Riding me astride like a warrior knight
Using hatred and fear as a shield from the Lord
Then came Jesus blood over me it was poured
And poof they were gone the hammers knives and shields
The demons couldn’t stand up to the power Jesus wields
My soul was saved by His sanctifying grace
I have been saved because He took my place.~~~
© kimshepherd2009
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Food dark – sharp like a knife
Hurting cutting messing up my life
Food that you eat but do not taste
Pounds that hide and bury my waist
Binging on food so no one can see
The pain and anguish of being me
Using the food to kill the pain
Eating food then puking down the drain
Food having a life of its very own making
Food owning me – my soul there for the taking
Focused on the food so the hate I can’t see
The hate that is slowly overtaking me
Hate for them who damaged my heart
Hate for myself who let them take part
Calling to Jesus to see me through this
Praying to Jesus from the dark abyss
Seeking deliverance needing His grace
The hate is gone without a trace
The food is put back in its rightful position
Healing has come from the true physician
I am free of the sins and deadly lies
The Lord has heard and heeded my cries.~~~
© kimshepherd2009
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s the woman in the mirror
What she sees is not too clear
That food has become her choice of drug
No not heroin or wine it’s not beer she hugs
It is chocolate and greasy burgers and fries
That is the way this woman gets high
She stands at the fridge hearing the call
She eats and she eats till she can’t feel at all
The pain of her life is amazingly clear
The cries of her heart that nobody hears
Her answer to the pain is the food in her hands
She doesn’t think anyone else understands
Money no object – the money she spends
Hoping the next fix brings the pain to an end
But at the end of the binge she feels the same pain
That’s when she takes it to the drain
Purging her body purging her soul
Waiting until the next urge takes hold
She doesn’t seek Jesus she doesn’t look to God
This woman of faith don’t you think it is odd?
She talks of His glory, His healing, His Love
But when she is in trouble she doesn’t look above
Oh woman ask Jesus to stand in the gap to pick up your slack
To be your comfort, your joy, your strength that you lack
He will heal your heart- fill your soul
Only Jesus can make you whole.~~~~
© kimshepherd2009

things that are in my brain...

~~~I got up this morning and my left side of my mouth was still swollen and kinda numb from the dental work yesterday ...ahhh little bit scary to think maybe she hit a nerve and this is it LOL it went down... everyone asks how do you like your new teeth ..I think I want to bite people!! LOL just kidding!~~~

~~~yesterday I went ot BSF fellowship and was a bit nervous at the thought of sitting at the table with cookies or brownies ..(ok not the people the food yeah I know~! LOL) anyway God is so good to me Cindy served lemon bars! YIKES! hahaha I HATE lemon bars I am sooo thankful Cindy had lemon bars!~~~~

~~~ we have been redoing the trailer and I need to fill the picture college frames with trailer pics...sighhh it is tedious work..the trailer looks great tho kinda exciting for going down and seeing something new! I'll have pics to post after this weekend! ~~~~~~

~~~ Still doing the OA thing I guess I will always be doing the OA thing -- LOL - went to a retreat last weekend - it was really cool . Course I am a retreat kinda girl - but there was no sweets involved and I got to get a bit more familiar with the OA program and that's helpful.~~~~~

~~~~ Compulsive eating is a disease thats tough to wrap my brain around I have been told my whole life it was something I could control obviously thats not the truth or I woulda by now...being the control freak I can be.. So to see it as a disease makes it a bit more harsh I guess a little daunting to think it is something there is no real cure for that like the cigarettes that I still think about occasionally(after 20 years as a non smoker...) this food thing will also be with me my whole rest of my life sighhhh oh well it is always something I guess... there are ways of fighting this thing and I guess thats what I have to concentrate on doing my step work and using the OA tools....~~~~~