gotta rethink my thinkin...

God is so so absolutely awesome how He gives you the truth thru others words and from your own experiences with Him it just gives you a solid rock on which to stand!

I wish I had a great use of words to poetically describe whats in my heart and Mind about Him-- I don't darn it!
Today I wanna say Jesus is my Rock Star...LOL He is my everything
and this food thing IS something thru His help I can whip -

While I believe OA is helpful and all and it is worth going to meetings and doing the steps my hope does not lie in OA but it is in Jesus!

ok there sheesh ... it has been a little crazy in my head trying to get this point. all OA stuff talks about is how great program is and it is a great program but there is only hope in Jesus

alrighty now any questions?? ha

chocolate dreams and butterscotch kisses.....

oh my gosh this is crazy to have your brain so programed that at the first sign of stress aggravation pain of the physical or mental or emotional to EAT.
I mean really who and why and how did we get here?
Skinny people obviously do not think like "oh ouch my head/back heart hurts I should go eat!" or "he makes me so mad I should get a chocolate bar" or "what! the bills are so high i should go get candy."
this isn't even like a obvious thought it is automatic !
transitions...are hard for me I am not sure-- like why when we get done eating and people are on the move from one room to another on to the next thing and no matter how full i am it triggers something in my brain to eat - maybe it was the moving around as a kid from Mom's house to Dad's on the weekends never ending up where I wanted to be so now when life around me changes just the slightest it triggers the eating thing. I know it is a comfort thing I am just not sure what it is I need in order to NOT need / want the chocolate...
I guess before things change I need to run the serenity prayer thru my brain... have it tatooed on the inside of my eyelids!!

ok well enough crazy for now!

oh my goodness,...

been looking the last 2 days at wedding venues...wow so expensive!!! but i really think we have found the place...

working on the 3rd step in OA.. giving my food control to the Lord...yeah prying my cold fingers off of it. It is very hard. it is like the last thing the Lord is saying for me to do here in this part of my life ..let it go girl...there as a daily reading that said - trust in God with your food He will not steer you wrong where as this disease will this disease will tell you it is ok to put poison in your body...God not so much He will not tell you it is ok to eat to kill your self.
So why is it easier to listen to this disease then to listen to God?

so now I have a food sponsor someone to be accountable to with my food plan.

lets see what else...getting ready for Disney -yeah - finding the right shoes to walk in and clothes...it was easier when the 4 kids were smaller some how some way!!! LOL

And my nephew writing to me from the DOC in logansport...sighhh I gave his mom and brother the address but have they written him uhhh no - I guess I will get a money order for him for postage and give him his moms address...

ok well thats all for now!

struggling in addiction

struggling in my addiction the addiction of overcoming troubles by eating... it is crazy ---food is fuel it is not peace it is not strength in the emotional part of it --food is substance it gives life but it can not heal or help you emotionally - I KNOW this in my heart in my mind but yet when something causes me pain or indecision or anguish I reach first for food - sometimes it is physical reaching as in I go to the kitchen but mostly firstly it is mentally reaching oh that hurts --- mentally I think of which food is going to make it better -- make me feel calm or soothed or comforted or what food quells my anger . Food is never what tastes good as much as what is it going to do for me.. that is so wrong.

My mom is living in squallier she has not sought help in her anger or her despair over this junk with Rick so once again she is living in a pit - her little bitty apt is full of junk she has stacks of stuff on every flat surface and sliding off onto the floors she has her coffee table so full that even if she wanted a book or paper from the middle of it - it would be frightening to pull it out for fear of a cascade of paper and books - it is a shame really but yet there's nothing I can do . She will not let me help her she will not go seek help on her own .this is not my fault -it is not of my making. So now I guess we wait until the Apt. figures it out and does something .

But for today I will not eat these problems of mine...one day at a time I will work on this .

a prom night

I took pictures for my friends daughter for Prom .. Center Grove - Taylor is hysterical and the camera LOVED her!
it was great!

thinking thoughts...LOL

wow been thinking today ...was cleaning and watching hoarder shows and this lady was a lot like my mom ... my mom is a hoarder and I am not one only because I work at NOT being one,. tho I think at one time I might have been on my way to being one.
anyway as this lady talked and they showed her outside life ( meaning the life she shows to others at her work ect. ) She was very much like my mom - very with it funny outgoing . Helpful to people but then she would go home and there were collections and recycling and junk stacked to the ceilings.
The last time I was at my mom's apt. when she had the carotid surgery I almost fell slipping on magazines that had fallen over the magazines she couldn't throw out because she needed to black out her name and address...then there's the clothes she has collected? for the Philippines..it has been months and months since the disaster that got her collecting for them... and her tables are full underneath and on top there is no clean clear flat surface... there was something rolling in her fridge that was smelling up the apt. it was a murky mess in the bottom drawer ... and in the midst of all that mess she had a card table out with a craft project on it ... sighhh yeah she only lives in about 650 sq feet space and it is FULL... of stuff... a repeat of what she did in AZ wow I just got that this has come on in the last year or so once again because she is not wanting to deal with the stuff between me and Rick- thats when she did this in AZ... ah well It is not something I can change her hoarding habits I have my own disease to deal with.
like the sernity prayer says
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference..
Amen

Picture time with Aunt Beckys dogs...

Zach and Zoey ...they make me laugh!

something happend on the road to recovery

it has been a hard couple of days...lost my abstinence
yeahhh a friend at BSF asked me how it was going and I told her well I killed it on Sunday
buried it on Monday
and was resurrecting it today (Tuesday)
It kinda went along with the John 20 that we had just studied...

I have realised that I need to surrender... not JUST to God ...not JUST to this disease but to all things in my life that I CAN NOT change... ie Surrender to pain in my body...
I do not acknowledge pain ..I walked the mini on a broken foot I climbed up the natural bridge in Ky. Red River Gorge with a broken foot...it wasn't until July ( broke it in April) That I finally acknowledged it HURT
Thats just CRAZY! I have had this back pain Sciatica? For a YEAR--- I am just now going to the Doctor about it. I have been a medicine taking Diabetic for 2-3 years I am just now acknowledged hey I can't eat sugar...duhhh

So I need to surrender to the pain I feel physically & emotionally...Why is this so hard for me to do??

Mondays..

Mondays are like new beginnings - new weeks new thoughts new plans everything seems new on Monday - people start new diets new work out plans new routines new habits to start or habits to break it all starts on Monday- who knew Mondays would become so powerful?

Me now I think the power of a week starts on Sunday- the day we give it all up and go worship the Lord and King Jesus Christ.
Sundays are the day that we make commitments and re dedications to Him the one that matters. Having a good Sunday can make or break your week. If we are not putting HIM first in our week thats when things go wrong.

So in my mind just sayin ....Mondays are nothing without a great worshipful Sunday before it.

Saturday blues...

what a dreary day ...of course saying this I realize I have been down in my basement for the last 4 hours so really the sun could be shining and I wouldn't have a clue!

I took Peggys nephews senior pics yesterday and am going to take a friends kids prom pics tonight ... I am praying the Lord will give me the steady hand and good eye that I need to do this.

I also have figured out I am a little insecure when it comes to this... I see all the flaws in the pics . So none of them look good.

as I am cleaning the scrapbook room I am watching a show called too many babies...it brings back so many memories of the twins as newborns... Ok not as bad as these people with 5 babies...but the not sleeping the emotional ups and downs of life with multiples!!

she says this mom of 5 babies I can't wait until it get's easier...sighhh should I tell her she is fooling herself this 1 st year is the easiest year?? LOL!!!!

wait until she has 5 teenagers... HA!

got it

well today the certificate came showing the copyright of the survivors tears survivors joys... wow -
I think it makes them real...I am not sure ...why..
anyway it is they are and that's that...

Camping was great ...can we call it camping since we were at the trailer?? LOL not sure ..but I really enjoy that group of girls.

I am looking at this scrapbooking room and realizing I must do some cleaning up and out this room becomes a don't know where else to put it out it there room...LOL
and my lovely daughter at this computer doesn't help either!! she is a bit of a slob...

Jen gets her drivers license this week if it all works out time wise - not sure how i am feeling bout that on one hand it will be a relief to not have to spend so much time in the car waiting but on the other hand sheeshh it puts me out of a job and it was nice all the reading I got done in that waiting time!!

ok well thats all I got today

whooo Hooo

I got the poems copyrighted ...
I do not know why that is so important for me..
to me but it is ...
and I am happy. :)

the food poems...

Food as a hammer pounding my soul
Beating me down swallowing me whole
Damage and destruction that swirls thru the night
Shredding my heart too devastated to fight
Letting the food demons take over my life
Giving them reign and a powerful knife
They use it to cut me and feed on my pain
Giving them my power to serve as their grain
Distorting my focus distorting my view
Leading me astray from what is true
Food like a beast with its power and might
Riding me astride like a warrior knight
Using hatred and fear as a shield from the Lord
Then came Jesus blood over me it was poured
And poof they were gone the hammers knives and shields
The demons couldn’t stand up to the power Jesus wields
My soul was saved by His sanctifying grace
I have been saved because He took my place.~~~
© kimshepherd2009
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Food dark – sharp like a knife
Hurting cutting messing up my life
Food that you eat but do not taste
Pounds that hide and bury my waist
Binging on food so no one can see
The pain and anguish of being me
Using the food to kill the pain
Eating food then puking down the drain
Food having a life of its very own making
Food owning me – my soul there for the taking
Focused on the food so the hate I can’t see
The hate that is slowly overtaking me
Hate for them who damaged my heart
Hate for myself who let them take part
Calling to Jesus to see me through this
Praying to Jesus from the dark abyss
Seeking deliverance needing His grace
The hate is gone without a trace
The food is put back in its rightful position
Healing has come from the true physician
I am free of the sins and deadly lies
The Lord has heard and heeded my cries.~~~
© kimshepherd2009
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s the woman in the mirror
What she sees is not too clear
That food has become her choice of drug
No not heroin or wine it’s not beer she hugs
It is chocolate and greasy burgers and fries
That is the way this woman gets high
She stands at the fridge hearing the call
She eats and she eats till she can’t feel at all
The pain of her life is amazingly clear
The cries of her heart that nobody hears
Her answer to the pain is the food in her hands
She doesn’t think anyone else understands
Money no object – the money she spends
Hoping the next fix brings the pain to an end
But at the end of the binge she feels the same pain
That’s when she takes it to the drain
Purging her body purging her soul
Waiting until the next urge takes hold
She doesn’t seek Jesus she doesn’t look to God
This woman of faith don’t you think it is odd?
She talks of His glory, His healing, His Love
But when she is in trouble she doesn’t look above
Oh woman ask Jesus to stand in the gap to pick up your slack
To be your comfort, your joy, your strength that you lack
He will heal your heart- fill your soul
Only Jesus can make you whole.~~~~
© kimshepherd2009

things that are in my brain...

~~~I got up this morning and my left side of my mouth was still swollen and kinda numb from the dental work yesterday ...ahhh little bit scary to think maybe she hit a nerve and this is it LOL it went down... everyone asks how do you like your new teeth ..I think I want to bite people!! LOL just kidding!~~~

~~~yesterday I went ot BSF fellowship and was a bit nervous at the thought of sitting at the table with cookies or brownies ..(ok not the people the food yeah I know~! LOL) anyway God is so good to me Cindy served lemon bars! YIKES! hahaha I HATE lemon bars I am sooo thankful Cindy had lemon bars!~~~~

~~~ we have been redoing the trailer and I need to fill the picture college frames with trailer pics...sighhh it is tedious work..the trailer looks great tho kinda exciting for going down and seeing something new! I'll have pics to post after this weekend! ~~~~~~

~~~ Still doing the OA thing I guess I will always be doing the OA thing -- LOL - went to a retreat last weekend - it was really cool . Course I am a retreat kinda girl - but there was no sweets involved and I got to get a bit more familiar with the OA program and that's helpful.~~~~~

~~~~ Compulsive eating is a disease thats tough to wrap my brain around I have been told my whole life it was something I could control obviously thats not the truth or I woulda by now...being the control freak I can be.. So to see it as a disease makes it a bit more harsh I guess a little daunting to think it is something there is no real cure for that like the cigarettes that I still think about occasionally(after 20 years as a non smoker...) this food thing will also be with me my whole rest of my life sighhhh oh well it is always something I guess... there are ways of fighting this thing and I guess thats what I have to concentrate on doing my step work and using the OA tools....~~~~~

I am not the maid....

I know I am the one who is home and it is my job to clean but REALLY ? is it my job to clean toothpaste off of the cabinet doors or the bedroom window because you choose random places to brush your teeth?? If you spill something on the nice wooden floors and no one see's you...IT IS STILL THERE ...it counts! It stays there until SOMEONE cleans it up couldn't you just stop and do it when it happens???
News flash people dishes cups and banana peels have NO feet therefore you can not expect them to make their own way to the kitchen or the trash cans... not happinin

If you vacuum and don't move the pencils on the floor that oh by the way are YOURS...it means you didn't really vacuum....

Scott and I are contem[plating buying a Kirby vacuum but really I don't want to be the maid I want a maid!!!

goin outta my head....

WOW ..ya know when you are no longer eating in response to anxiety or stress or anger or boredom or the fact that the sky is blue or because the sky is NOT blue ...uggghhhhh it's freakin awful...except for the fact that the Lord is here and with me and in me and I am turning to Him instead of the food which is as it should be ,. But sadly He is not my first choice... sighhh I mean He is but old habits would be the food the chocolate ...And right now I feel like a junkie who is wanting a fix so badly that I swear my teeth hurt...

I am out of TAB for in the morning but theres NO way I can go to the store and get them without succumbing to the candy aisle. So in the morning when I hope it is safer for me I will get them.

And that is the life of an addiction

one day at a time

went to an OA meeting today
some thoughts on that...

1st- they really do say-- my name is...and say it over and over their name and their problem lest you forget -this isn't a social meeting it is for people with problems.

2ndly - people in OA are not all fat people. oh no there are people in that room you would never guess to have problems with food -just like alcoholics and other addictions you can look "good" look "normal" and still have a problem

3rdly- the people in that room are perhaps the kindest non judging people I have ever seen.And it had nothing to do with anything I said or how I was dressed it had only to do with that fact I was in that room we all were for the same purpose to overcome addiction

4thly- to admit you are powerless to stop something feels like defeat but reality it is success because you see John 8:38 "the truth will set you free" is real

hi my name is Kim and I am a compulsive overeater.

loving Jesus

I really Love Him my Lord and Savior -
just wanted to say that...LOL

Oh my gosh I am SO sick of this blasted snow - I want color in my life no let me rephrase this I need Color in my life I need warmth and plenty of Sunshine!
I am procrastinating taking the rugs out to shake them in the cold...brrrrrrr and I am in the middle of cleaning house but ..really it isn't the same without throwing open a window or two!!! Ok as you can tell I am longing for Spring time!

I am picturing the newly green grass and the trees with their buds bursting forth in color and soft green leaves the flowers coming up from the ground the oranges yellows pinks purples the tall grassy grasses blowing in the soft winds of spring - ahhhh birds chirping
the blue skies with wispy white clouds floating above as we sing praises to the Lord who is the Lord of creation and the Lord of us all...

Ash wednesday....

the beginning of the Lenten season -- it is a time of reflection and repentance - a time to ask the Lord to show you what you need to change -- what sin in your life is keeping you from a closer walk with the Lord.

When starting this blog my thought was to be flat out honest in what I write it is hard sometimes because several people read this and that maybe it is safer to hide my REAL emotions and feelings from some of those people -- but if this can not be flat out honest blog then whats the point really..??

So here goes ...in my searching of myself in this Lenten season in the bible study I am in -Beth Moore's - Breaking Free- I am seeing Gods call for me to break free of my addiction - my addiction to food not a big surprise - heck it is all over me- front back hips arms ...but really to break free to be delivered from this addiction - I know it is possible --for all things are possible thru Christ Jesus --I have talked alot about diets about exercise about diet about exercise did I tell you about the latest diet attempt? yeah lots of talk and some action for a few weeks then back into the addiction I go - This has been a long time addiction - at one time in my life food was comfort food was a friend food was protection food was my god...yes my idol ... if I was sad hurt abused happy bored whatever- food was there - Food my friend my god my demon

I have cleared out so much of the junk from the past but I had no idea I couldn't just stop with this food thing - why can't I really? it is so simple according to most - just eat better - excersise more don't buy the wrong foods..yeah if it was only so easy-

I was in denial to think this isn't an addiction- like drinking drugs gambling it the food takes over my life I eat when I am not hungry if there is candy here in my house I can do nothing --think of nothing until it is gone consumed in a flash , hungry or not doesn't really matter - I gotta have it. I can not control it - it controls me - each bite is the last bite until moments later I gotta get another and another until it is GONE.

So how do i get deliverance from this ? I must SURRENDER to HIM -I must turn to Him- This is gonna be hard and I can't do it without Him - I have been delivered from so much I have been healed from so much How can I NOT believe He will heal me of this? Of course He will.

I need to go thru the steps yes there is a 12 step program for over eaters - but this is more then just ""over eating"" it is obsession it is addiction - food has been my god little g - I have placed food in the position of God (big G) it is time to make Jesus my true Master and not chocolate-Surrender to Him-- He has to be my all in all...
So there it is in all it's fat uglyness...I am so tired of being controlled by this addiction -

Snow Snow Snow!!

Snow Snow Snow!!
We had lots of snow - Molly LOVES it!