one day at a time

went to an OA meeting today
some thoughts on that...

1st- they really do say-- my name is...and say it over and over their name and their problem lest you forget -this isn't a social meeting it is for people with problems.

2ndly - people in OA are not all fat people. oh no there are people in that room you would never guess to have problems with food -just like alcoholics and other addictions you can look "good" look "normal" and still have a problem

3rdly- the people in that room are perhaps the kindest non judging people I have ever seen.And it had nothing to do with anything I said or how I was dressed it had only to do with that fact I was in that room we all were for the same purpose to overcome addiction

4thly- to admit you are powerless to stop something feels like defeat but reality it is success because you see John 8:38 "the truth will set you free" is real

hi my name is Kim and I am a compulsive overeater.

loving Jesus

I really Love Him my Lord and Savior -
just wanted to say that...LOL

Oh my gosh I am SO sick of this blasted snow - I want color in my life no let me rephrase this I need Color in my life I need warmth and plenty of Sunshine!
I am procrastinating taking the rugs out to shake them in the cold...brrrrrrr and I am in the middle of cleaning house but ..really it isn't the same without throwing open a window or two!!! Ok as you can tell I am longing for Spring time!

I am picturing the newly green grass and the trees with their buds bursting forth in color and soft green leaves the flowers coming up from the ground the oranges yellows pinks purples the tall grassy grasses blowing in the soft winds of spring - ahhhh birds chirping
the blue skies with wispy white clouds floating above as we sing praises to the Lord who is the Lord of creation and the Lord of us all...

Ash wednesday....

the beginning of the Lenten season -- it is a time of reflection and repentance - a time to ask the Lord to show you what you need to change -- what sin in your life is keeping you from a closer walk with the Lord.

When starting this blog my thought was to be flat out honest in what I write it is hard sometimes because several people read this and that maybe it is safer to hide my REAL emotions and feelings from some of those people -- but if this can not be flat out honest blog then whats the point really..??

So here goes ...in my searching of myself in this Lenten season in the bible study I am in -Beth Moore's - Breaking Free- I am seeing Gods call for me to break free of my addiction - my addiction to food not a big surprise - heck it is all over me- front back hips arms ...but really to break free to be delivered from this addiction - I know it is possible --for all things are possible thru Christ Jesus --I have talked alot about diets about exercise about diet about exercise did I tell you about the latest diet attempt? yeah lots of talk and some action for a few weeks then back into the addiction I go - This has been a long time addiction - at one time in my life food was comfort food was a friend food was protection food was my god...yes my idol ... if I was sad hurt abused happy bored whatever- food was there - Food my friend my god my demon

I have cleared out so much of the junk from the past but I had no idea I couldn't just stop with this food thing - why can't I really? it is so simple according to most - just eat better - excersise more don't buy the wrong foods..yeah if it was only so easy-

I was in denial to think this isn't an addiction- like drinking drugs gambling it the food takes over my life I eat when I am not hungry if there is candy here in my house I can do nothing --think of nothing until it is gone consumed in a flash , hungry or not doesn't really matter - I gotta have it. I can not control it - it controls me - each bite is the last bite until moments later I gotta get another and another until it is GONE.

So how do i get deliverance from this ? I must SURRENDER to HIM -I must turn to Him- This is gonna be hard and I can't do it without Him - I have been delivered from so much I have been healed from so much How can I NOT believe He will heal me of this? Of course He will.

I need to go thru the steps yes there is a 12 step program for over eaters - but this is more then just ""over eating"" it is obsession it is addiction - food has been my god little g - I have placed food in the position of God (big G) it is time to make Jesus my true Master and not chocolate-Surrender to Him-- He has to be my all in all...
So there it is in all it's fat uglyness...I am so tired of being controlled by this addiction -

Snow Snow Snow!!

Snow Snow Snow!!
We had lots of snow - Molly LOVES it!

wonderful weekend

had an awesome weekend scrapbooking!
I love my friends! I have GREAT friends!
And I am sitting here typing listening to Molly do the deep snore- she must have missed me much as she is sleeping down here next to my chair and not up on my comfy bed ! Awww she is so sweet!
I need to do my BSF and my Beth Moore-- yikes got a Girl Scout meeting tonight and a trustee meeting ...

life in the fastlane !

sheeeshhhh

OK wow dealing once again with these adults who want to be cool to teens. what is it with these people??
I refuse to be lenient in these matters we were once before and let stuff go until it built to exploding -- never never again . I will cut them off cut them out -

I mean REALLY offering alcohol to minors... Done - no leniency You are done!

We want to be careful of our examples, because people are following us; and we don't want to lead them into sin by overt acts of sin

Lets try to be exceptional Christan's not marginal ones!

tra lalalala

Family at Christmas see how it is growing! Josh Lauren Jeremy Morgan Eric Jes Jen me and Scott

that's how I feel today it is Thursday on a upcoming scrapbooking weekend! yeah baby!

I really would like to be someplace warm tho so I could get out my new camera and play ...

I haven't used it much it is a little more techie then the other one and I never got that one all the down!

I just don't know where all the time goes! From 8-3 it speeds by! I was thinking today I would get my Beth Moore Bible study caught up since I have to miss this Sat I haven't made it a priority and then do some of my BSF... I have read ahead in the Bible reading series the church is doing and it is already 10:30...sighhh
I am going to go do my walk kick and stretch out my muscles - then start on the closet cleaning up ..just some minor maintnence to keep my hubby happy..I knew it would be touchy sharing a closet with him...haha
I guess get all the house laundry crap done so tomorrow it is just excerisise pack and go...

it is very cold out yet I almost can pretend it is spring there are birdies outside my scrapbooking room window so if I do not look out and see the snow we can maybe pretend it is warm!! HA! of course maybe the birdies are out there saying hey lady let me in it's freezing cold out here!!! ha

feeling better

I am feeling much better -tho my gums are still swollen still can not chew -
But mentally feeling better - even without the sunshine !
I got the house cleaned up maybe that also helps
seems like it has been a mess since forever...with Christmas and all -

Now I got to work on the computer / scrapbooking room it is a pit - got to get my gear packed for next weekend -

I am happy about that-- going to hotel in Columbus scrapping for 3 days!
come on Jan 29th!! Whoot!

foggy

I swear I am in a fog...can't get my brain thinking maybe it is depression maybe it is hormonal ... seems like since last year when all the crap hit with Rick and Morgan and Jeremy and such my mind has been slush I know it was a lot to deal with and go thru and then adding a move into the mix but now it is 2010 and I need to get on with things but everything piles up I do not have enough day in my time or time in my day...

Even Spiritually I am struggling at times ...

I have come so far I can't go backwards now...

Jesus is the answer to my life So I guess I need to go back to the basics
Thank you Lord for all you have done and continue to do in my life -

disheartning

wow today well last night I guess found out that my nice Chrissy is now a Muslim...she is practicing the religion of Islam...how weird! She was raised in the church she is married to the son of a pastor who by the way her husband (the son of a pastor) is totally supporting her in this ..WHAT?? yeah crazy this boy also was feeling the call to be a pastor but now not so much
Chrissy is wearing a hjib(sp?) which is the head covering ...So she is out there with this
the hardest part is reconciling that she is renouncing Jesus as her Lord and Savior the Bible is pretty clear that this is a big No NO
You don't do that -- And while she is young these are eternal mistakes she is making . CRAZINESS i tell you -

And now for me I gotta back away and let it be - I said my piece on it she knows where I stand - Jesus is the way the truth and the life no one goes to the Father except thru Him -
So get back to my own life and leave her to her drama of shock and awe...

not ready for bed

I SHOULD probably go on to bed but I am just not ready - the last Christmas celebration is done- we had Christmas with my mom and her brother and my kids - well Jes didn't come -but the rest were here - I find that hard to get used to the fact that my kids don't come to things or come but don't stay It is just a fact I suppose of them growing up and growing out so to speak -

I am supposed to get the posts for the implants in my mouth this week I hope i do not look like I have been beat up when it is all done-

We are starting a new Bible study Beth Moore Breaking Free and I thought hum wonder what I have to break free from well duh how bout food Kim and then Dan's Sermon today lots of thinking to do on these things the Lord isn't playing around here He is serious ...
I need to be serious about it to.

ok Lord I am all Ears I am listening I am hearing I am seeing I am feeling ...

oh my Cold weather and comfort food

all day it has been a battle to eat eat eat --
I am not hungry just want to eat. I am sure
it is the snow the cold the comfort but food
isn't a blanket seriously

I need to STOP-look to the Lord

Getting things done in 2010

ok I know it has only been 2010 for about 3 minutes..LOL BUT I am working to get things done in 2010- I am walking and trying to keep the house up not like at the same time LOL But getting this life of mine out of His wilderness and into His work is harder then I thought I have not been as obedient as needed so the changes HE wants me to make are not happining as fast as they should have Sorry Lord -
So hitting my knees more in 2010 - working on this obedience walk in 2010 losing this stronghold in 2010 Food is NOT my master Jesus is -
ok now I shall go back to cleaning the kitchen!!

drat

well I forgot another trustee meeting and I suppose since it is just now 7:30 I could probably still make and if it was warmer then say 15 degrees I might've BUT honestly I do not feel called to this position - I think I will be calling Pastor Dan tomorrow - to resign...
I have missed more meetings then I have hit - so really whats my point

So I guess I need to seek God on this and seek Him on where He wants me

putting things off uhhh like....

walking -----man it is 10 degrees outside and I really gotta get in my 30 minutes Sooo what do i do ? the treadmill?? no way hate it ...maybe do 10 min on treadmill and then 20 outside ...
is it dangerous at 10 degrees? probably ...sighhh

ok I will get my butt moving one way or another I can do the outside but start on the treadmill yeahhhh that's the ticket I think i need an ipod...LOL yeah i could do this if i had an ipod whaaa I could do this if we lived on a beach.....hahaha ok no excuses ..just do it -bye

cold

ok well thinking seriously about doing the resolution revolution down town a 3 mile walk tomorrow morning as a way to kick of this year but man it is gonna be like 16 degrees!!! yikers!

Ok but hey if I am gonna do this I might as well start it right ! SO a new me in 2010 yeah I know I have said it before but whatever - it is gonna happen I am gonna change my life one step one day at a time.
So might as well start tomorrow!
stay tuned and I will let you know!!

time alone

time alone its good ya know - time to think time to breathe...


As the last days of 2009 roll through and we say goodbye to this year there's a part of me that's glad to see it go. In Fact after all the crap this last year with all that has happend and all that didn't I will be glad to open the door and usher 2009 OUT

this was gonna be MY year instead it went into the toilet really quickly in January and I let all that junk get the way of me and what I wanted to do this year - not a great excuse I suppose but the only one I have got.

The stress of it and then the move and the boys graduating it has been a big year for sure -

But in the quiet of the house as I sit and ponder the year I know that God is the one in control not me - I know that nothing He has allowed is too much and if I keep my eyes on Him then it is all good.

I have kept it together this year -and thats alright

God is good...all the time

urrrggghhh

ok saying this now because I DO NOT want my new Year bogged down with it - I am so putting him behind me this year of 2010---

Talked with dad and Rick is not has not gotten any help for his problem - he went to a Class the va held for depression but due his not being a war time vet or lack of interest or whatever - the guy got reassigned and the class was canceled - Rick doesn't have the money to go on his own oh PLEASEEEEEE cancel your cable that would pay for one or 2 a month there are places who work with you on income I am sure if you went in and told them you are an old child molester / active sexual predator they would fit you in somewhere... but going for treatment of depression by its self not gonna stop anything- And He is back at the church working the sound booth working with the kids when they sing,,, Pastor Mike knows who and what he is so now it would be on him -

ok so what does this mean for me ? I am not worrying about him not being in the family so to speak it is HIS problem - It is not me being mean or whatever it is his problem he needs to take care of it.

I will be praying for the Lords peace in this I know I can do nothing to reclaim my childhood - to redeem my childhood and the years in between of walking on a ledge living with him in my life are finished done - He has made his choice I am just abiding by his choices.

great Christmas

well another Christmas down ....it was good- not too much drama!
We had Christmas eve here minus my brother and his family - there was a moment when we thought he was calling but it was Chrissy (her cell is in his name) then my sister Courtney called - she was wanting to talk to Dad and Sue - she was drunk ...sighhhh so sad - then of course Josh and Lauren there was a thing about them coming for 20 min leaving for and hour to go to Mass with her fam. then coming back it made for some stress they basically missed the whole thing -- Oh and Jeremy asked Morgan to Marry him awwww
oh well guess there was a bit of drama after all...

Christmas day the kids all came minus Josh and Lauren - they didn't get there till 11 we had already opened all of our gifts...then it was out the door to Shan and Margie's The Shepherd Christmas- we had a great time

now I would love to clean it all up and get my house back but the hinshaw Christmas breakfast is Monday morning - so a couple days rest then done-
this is the first year I have not gone shopping at the crack of dawn - I am good with that! I am so tired - just kinda worn out
we watched My sisters keeper last night oh my gosh i cried and cried I think theres a lot there the thought of losing a child and the my sisters keeper thats been me for Courtney and it just kinda brought it all home I work hard at keeping her alive for the family and then she calls all drunk and crazy ...sighhhh it just sucks -

Got some time to myself coming up and looking forward to it.
Scott goes for his yearly planning and Jen is off to Gatlinburg for Youth thing I will get the house all cleaned up and just enjoy the peace and quiet- life is good-

my Christmas Poem...

looking hard for baby Jesus where will he be?
will baby Jesus be under my Christmas tree?
Looking in the boxes amongst the paper and bows
I am not seeing baby Jesus in the holly or mistletoe
looking hard for baby Jesus in this Christmas mess
not finding him in much of this is what I must confess
But in the quiet of the night as I search my tired heart
I find The baby Jesus where He's been from the start
Kim Shepherd 12/24/09

Merry Christmas and heres hoping you find Jesus in your hearts today and everyday!