yeah all in caps... that's how I feel like screaming to the world it's not fair it's not right! I wanna be able to eat the candy and sweets I crave- to be able to eat candy and sweets I want to bathe myself in the sweet smell and texture of the Hershey's chocolate kiss...To be freaking honest I crave that kiss more then any lovers kiss.. The sweet satisfaction that comes in that first bite - the ethereal high that comes in the eating of a bar the numb high that comes from eating a whole bag of kisses...
I am whining I know I am fighting this craving that I don't understand where it has come from - what feelings am I stuffing down that's brought this craving to the top?
Am I sad ? am I happy? am I insecure ? Am I angry? Isn't it just a bit CRAZY that I can not name the feeling yet I can name the cure?
Maybe it is just another burst of acceptance I am feeling and that's what is triggering this crave...acceptance as Valentines creeps slowly closer that this candied holiday for lovers is not going to find it's way to my lips. I
Am I fighting the acceptance that I am an addict -addicted to sugar hard to comprehend? Hard to swallow?
My favorite reading in the Voices of recovery is April23rd...in part it says...I know that God would never hand me anything that would harm me or poison my life.Only the disease does that. Only the disease tells me that poison is a treat.
and that's where I am at today wanting so badly to eat of the poison - someone might say oh Kim that's extreme thinking one or two little Hershey's kisses won't kill you but yes it will because that's the deal it will never be one or two it will end with me losing big time in this life battle of Diabetes and heart disease because it is NEVER EVER just one or two ,it is always ONE BAG OR TWO
Just for today I choose to stay out of the poision.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
weekend retreat
Had a great time this weekend at our Scrapbooking retreat! it was awesome to spend time with good friends doing the fun stuff we love!
I got jen's book almost done for 2008 - my room down here in the basement is all cleaned up so I need to un pack and get the book finished!!
I realized that I am missing those times we used to go away to the trailer and to those tournament weekends where I used to sit and crop pictures! None of my pics were cropped or ready ...SO this year I need to get back to that!! cropping those pics I could also come up with title pages too !
I really utilized the cricut this weekend so thats great too...
ok - on my back issue my pain is going back up today my feet are numbish and I an feel the burn a bit in my butt... not sure if it is cause I partially carried stuff and lifting it in and out of car - I truly didn't do a lot ...this morning tho - last night I could feel it was aggrivated...
I got jen's book almost done for 2008 - my room down here in the basement is all cleaned up so I need to un pack and get the book finished!!
I realized that I am missing those times we used to go away to the trailer and to those tournament weekends where I used to sit and crop pictures! None of my pics were cropped or ready ...SO this year I need to get back to that!! cropping those pics I could also come up with title pages too !
I really utilized the cricut this weekend so thats great too...
ok - on my back issue my pain is going back up today my feet are numbish and I an feel the burn a bit in my butt... not sure if it is cause I partially carried stuff and lifting it in and out of car - I truly didn't do a lot ...this morning tho - last night I could feel it was aggrivated...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
YAY ME
Yup a yay me post my blog I can say what I like right??!! I got my 90 days food sobriety yesterday 1/11/11 and the back nerve pain is virtually gone at least I am not feeling it! The blood sugar thing may be balancing itself back out now so that would rock too!!
I did the 2 mile high calorie burn walking tape today it has been ages since I did that one -and standing up no longer kills me -which is quite helpful in life to be able to stand up!!
I did go see Brian tho he looked over my MRI and he says absolutely no surgery he said my pedicules are shorted then they are supposed to be it is congenital ( the MRI report said this ) he showed me what that is and that surgery cant really help that... it is like that down my back so really the best thing I can do for this is get this weight off,,,,ok thats what I am doing here!! LOL
This weekend is the scrapbooking weekend and last time we went swore those girls off of sugar then i went and bought big bag of chocolate thats not gonna happen this time!!
so i am going to sit and plan my meals and commit them to my sponsor
thats all I got ..and yeah I am still in yay me mode!!! LOL
I did the 2 mile high calorie burn walking tape today it has been ages since I did that one -and standing up no longer kills me -which is quite helpful in life to be able to stand up!!
I did go see Brian tho he looked over my MRI and he says absolutely no surgery he said my pedicules are shorted then they are supposed to be it is congenital ( the MRI report said this ) he showed me what that is and that surgery cant really help that... it is like that down my back so really the best thing I can do for this is get this weight off,,,,ok thats what I am doing here!! LOL
This weekend is the scrapbooking weekend and last time we went swore those girls off of sugar then i went and bought big bag of chocolate thats not gonna happen this time!!
so i am going to sit and plan my meals and commit them to my sponsor
thats all I got ..and yeah I am still in yay me mode!!! LOL
Saturday, January 08, 2011
it's GREAT when they GET IT!
wow it is good to know -to see when your family GET'S IT!
my dad called me to tell me he was giving his old computer to my brother but he wanted me to know he has had the hard drive scrubbed and actually uninstalled XP and had win 7 installed... WOW thats so huge to me- I know my dad loves me no doubt but didn't always think he got what our stand is with Rick in this thing. BUT he gets it . Yay!!! And yes I felt loved and cherished like a daughter.
maybe I should write him and tell him,,,,yes I think I shall.
My mom on the other hand does not get it and probably never will and yes I know she loves me too but sadly she has never gotten it.
I go for and epidural for my back on Monday a little nervous I have told them about the epinephrine thing and to please not use the lidocaine with epi ...we will see how it goes... I am thinking it is gonna be painful!!
Keeping my eyes on Jesus - meanwhile back at the ranch with little pain meds ( I can't take any NASAIDS= my day pro) it is pain as usual only ramped up a bit!!!
I am keeping my food abstinent and that is whats important here!
my dad called me to tell me he was giving his old computer to my brother but he wanted me to know he has had the hard drive scrubbed and actually uninstalled XP and had win 7 installed... WOW thats so huge to me- I know my dad loves me no doubt but didn't always think he got what our stand is with Rick in this thing. BUT he gets it . Yay!!! And yes I felt loved and cherished like a daughter.
maybe I should write him and tell him,,,,yes I think I shall.
My mom on the other hand does not get it and probably never will and yes I know she loves me too but sadly she has never gotten it.
I go for and epidural for my back on Monday a little nervous I have told them about the epinephrine thing and to please not use the lidocaine with epi ...we will see how it goes... I am thinking it is gonna be painful!!
Keeping my eyes on Jesus - meanwhile back at the ranch with little pain meds ( I can't take any NASAIDS= my day pro) it is pain as usual only ramped up a bit!!!
I am keeping my food abstinent and that is whats important here!
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Well well well
yeah .got an MRI done on my back and ta da I got some issues...and whats crazy is the pain is the same as it was a month ago but acceptance of the problem makes it hurt a little more...crazy huh?
I will be calling a spine doc to see about some pain relief and what to do about the herniated discs ...... Some of the junk is just gonna be there,
We have had a really great Christmas season and now it is the new year 2011...wow
life has come a long way. Who knew I would be an old lady of 50 with a kid married another one engaged,,,and so on! Who knew that my damaged heart and crazy emotions would be healed by the Lord and that my addiction would be getting handled one day at a time. God is so good in all He does for us and we so do not deserve it,
Tomorrow is Christmas with the Hinshaws,.... my mom and Aunt Sandy uncle George and my kids, Aunt Sandy is not doing so well in the memory dept. she called me 5 times in 30 min to discuss plans... sighhh sad thing really
and Morgan and I had a talk and while we are celebrating her Birthday (which is Dec 26th ) tomorrow I am having her pick her own day for a 1/2 Birthday celebration and we will celebrate her Birthday then!! She seemed agreeable to it.
ok well thats all I got -
I will be calling a spine doc to see about some pain relief and what to do about the herniated discs ...... Some of the junk is just gonna be there,
We have had a really great Christmas season and now it is the new year 2011...wow
life has come a long way. Who knew I would be an old lady of 50 with a kid married another one engaged,,,and so on! Who knew that my damaged heart and crazy emotions would be healed by the Lord and that my addiction would be getting handled one day at a time. God is so good in all He does for us and we so do not deserve it,
Tomorrow is Christmas with the Hinshaws,.... my mom and Aunt Sandy uncle George and my kids, Aunt Sandy is not doing so well in the memory dept. she called me 5 times in 30 min to discuss plans... sighhh sad thing really
and Morgan and I had a talk and while we are celebrating her Birthday (which is Dec 26th ) tomorrow I am having her pick her own day for a 1/2 Birthday celebration and we will celebrate her Birthday then!! She seemed agreeable to it.
ok well thats all I got -
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Vulgarity
I am sick of it -Vulgarity. Oh they try and keep it civil keep it funny you know "Little Fockers",,, REALLY?
Seriously why not just say it? Ohh oh people would complain to the FCC...well why are we not complaining about implied vulgarity??
It goes back even to the Herbal Essence shampoo - hello the orgasm in the shower? From washing hair?? I am sure I could come up with a million such examples...
sad sad world we live in Lord Jesus could you come back soon?
Seriously why not just say it? Ohh oh people would complain to the FCC...well why are we not complaining about implied vulgarity??
It goes back even to the Herbal Essence shampoo - hello the orgasm in the shower? From washing hair?? I am sure I could come up with a million such examples...
sad sad world we live in Lord Jesus could you come back soon?
Monday, December 20, 2010
can I ever be normal about food?
been thinking which is fairly dangerous...
it has been difficult this season of family and food and cookies and thoughts of family and fudge and me not making any- me not eating any- me not being in my usual sugar high blackout... yeah -it is so different when you have to face feelings and events head on and not have the buffer of the food. To feel that slap of pain in your heart and to NOT have the comfort of food . Christmas is the time of year to be ever so Thankful of Jesus birth our savior born a baby - to celebrate Gods promise to us written so many years before the event that took place in Bethlehem - to see His promise to us and follow it thru the chapters of His Holy word is absolutely amazing.
Now back to the question can I ever be normal when it comes to food? No probably not - in OA they believe that addicts have an allergy to sugar ...and that the allergy is what triggers for us an overwhelming urge to keep eating that which is not good for us. And along with the allergy there is also a mental obsession God can and will relieve that mental obsession but most likely we will always have an allergy-- I can say I have been relieved of the mental obsession as long as I stay out of the sugar and into the word and prayer I am good. But then along with the good comes the thoughts of wow hey maybe theres been a miracle healing and now I can eat the sugar! Of course there hasn't and here's the little clue...when I think of eating the sugary sweet treats of Christmas I am still thinking of the pans full... not the one or two ...I am thinking of the bags of Hershey kisses not just a bite and there in lies the addiction. At church the other night I made that cake and I was so amazed that the "normal" eaters didn't have a piece of cake because they hadn't had their dinner - and that is the difference between an addict and a normal person- it never crosses the addicts mind to have perimeters!
Merry Christmas !
it has been difficult this season of family and food and cookies and thoughts of family and fudge and me not making any- me not eating any- me not being in my usual sugar high blackout... yeah -it is so different when you have to face feelings and events head on and not have the buffer of the food. To feel that slap of pain in your heart and to NOT have the comfort of food . Christmas is the time of year to be ever so Thankful of Jesus birth our savior born a baby - to celebrate Gods promise to us written so many years before the event that took place in Bethlehem - to see His promise to us and follow it thru the chapters of His Holy word is absolutely amazing.
Now back to the question can I ever be normal when it comes to food? No probably not - in OA they believe that addicts have an allergy to sugar ...and that the allergy is what triggers for us an overwhelming urge to keep eating that which is not good for us. And along with the allergy there is also a mental obsession God can and will relieve that mental obsession but most likely we will always have an allergy-- I can say I have been relieved of the mental obsession as long as I stay out of the sugar and into the word and prayer I am good. But then along with the good comes the thoughts of wow hey maybe theres been a miracle healing and now I can eat the sugar! Of course there hasn't and here's the little clue...when I think of eating the sugary sweet treats of Christmas I am still thinking of the pans full... not the one or two ...I am thinking of the bags of Hershey kisses not just a bite and there in lies the addiction. At church the other night I made that cake and I was so amazed that the "normal" eaters didn't have a piece of cake because they hadn't had their dinner - and that is the difference between an addict and a normal person- it never crosses the addicts mind to have perimeters!
Merry Christmas !
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
HA ain't life grand?
I'm on my way upstairs in a few to make a cake which by the way i was gonna stop doing...but it is for the purity ceremony tonight at church...figure hey if these girls can pledge to Wait until marriage shoot I can pledge to stay out of the cake batter and the icing and the finished product!
It has been going well ...it being life in food sobriety - I am doing steps 5-7 with my sponsor on Friday -then it is on up the stairs...LOL
been stalled on those steps for a while mostly due to business...not like a job but being busy...LOL
Where is God working on my life...hummm not hard to see He is working EVERYWHERE in my life in just me learning to accept things that happen as things and not major catastrophes...yeahhh ya know it is all just stuff He God is so much bigger then our stuff.. Acceptance of things that in my past would have sent me spinning out of control- mentally emotionally and spiritually now I see them coming and turn my eyes to Him not the stuff coming at me .He is my shade as it says in Isiah - how cool is THAT?
ok well getting ready for Christmas got things to shop for and things to wrap...got things to be Thankful for so got lots to do ...loving my Jesus more and more each day
It has been going well ...it being life in food sobriety - I am doing steps 5-7 with my sponsor on Friday -then it is on up the stairs...LOL
been stalled on those steps for a while mostly due to business...not like a job but being busy...LOL
Where is God working on my life...hummm not hard to see He is working EVERYWHERE in my life in just me learning to accept things that happen as things and not major catastrophes...yeahhh ya know it is all just stuff He God is so much bigger then our stuff.. Acceptance of things that in my past would have sent me spinning out of control- mentally emotionally and spiritually now I see them coming and turn my eyes to Him not the stuff coming at me .He is my shade as it says in Isiah - how cool is THAT?
ok well getting ready for Christmas got things to shop for and things to wrap...got things to be Thankful for so got lots to do ...loving my Jesus more and more each day
Friday, November 19, 2010
reality bites,,,
well heres a slice of reality pie-- It is coming up on the holidays and I can not eat . well ok thats a lie I can not eat good food... no thats a lie too --ummm ok how bout this I can not eat all those wonderful sugery gooey yummy Christmas delights...yeah - and how do I feel about that? A little angry a little sad why can't I be like other people and eat what I want? whahaaaa I want to throw a big old fit and get doen on my knees and pray that God will fix this for me so I can ....yeahhh so I can eat sugar ?? no really? oh man how bout I get down on my knees and THANK HIM that I can eat? that I have food in my pantry and money in my wallet and health that allows me to eat. yeah ok getting my perspective back ...eyes off self and back on HIM where they belong--- thank you God that I can eat.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
31 days
ok hey wow 31 days of food sobriety how cool is that??
But before I get all excited I know I better proceed with caution or I might fall off . I have not been writing down my food nor taking my blood sugar and that is dangerous - it is not taking care of myself. That is stupid.
And of course gonna be dealing with the holidays and all the issues with my mom about Rick not being here. Ah well once again God has shown me He has my back and That He is my justice. Found out that Rick met with our step brother Dave and told him his story-- interestingly enough he left 2 big parts out of it, Wow - It helps me to know in this holiday time of families and gatherings that Rick has NOT changed and the reasons we no longer allow him to be around us are still valid.
I will take these 30 days and with Gods help I will hit 30 more.
But before I get all excited I know I better proceed with caution or I might fall off . I have not been writing down my food nor taking my blood sugar and that is dangerous - it is not taking care of myself. That is stupid.
And of course gonna be dealing with the holidays and all the issues with my mom about Rick not being here. Ah well once again God has shown me He has my back and That He is my justice. Found out that Rick met with our step brother Dave and told him his story-- interestingly enough he left 2 big parts out of it, Wow - It helps me to know in this holiday time of families and gatherings that Rick has NOT changed and the reasons we no longer allow him to be around us are still valid.
I will take these 30 days and with Gods help I will hit 30 more.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
something happend on the way to this blog spot....
ha it has been a long time since I have written life has gotten crazy - Aunt Myra and Uncle Louie have been staying with us and they sleep in the computer room so thats part of it... and well just been busy out of my routines!!
today tho my crazy brain is back I am all unsettled and restless and want to numb out this feeling with food chocolate sugar sweets I can see that it is the transitions Myra and Louie leaving for 10 days and volleyball over for Jen my mom gonna have to have another angiogram and that means me staying all night in her hoarding apt mess...yeahhh and then theres my crazy brain!!
I know God is here in all this mess called my life I know He is soverign over all that happens in this life of mine this life in fact which belongs to Him - I surrendered it to Him so what the heck am I worring about here? Why this crazy brain thing? thats just me trying to control thngs and that is just plain stupid -
So prying my fingers off my life and putting my hands in HIS and following HIS lead.
Thank you Lord Jesus the King of my life and the defender of me - protect me from Crazy brained thinking amen
today tho my crazy brain is back I am all unsettled and restless and want to numb out this feeling with food chocolate sugar sweets I can see that it is the transitions Myra and Louie leaving for 10 days and volleyball over for Jen my mom gonna have to have another angiogram and that means me staying all night in her hoarding apt mess...yeahhh and then theres my crazy brain!!
I know God is here in all this mess called my life I know He is soverign over all that happens in this life of mine this life in fact which belongs to Him - I surrendered it to Him so what the heck am I worring about here? Why this crazy brain thing? thats just me trying to control thngs and that is just plain stupid -
So prying my fingers off my life and putting my hands in HIS and following HIS lead.
Thank you Lord Jesus the King of my life and the defender of me - protect me from Crazy brained thinking amen
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
a tough week
its been a tough week this week been in the disease this brain of mine -- ugggh My thinking wasn't straight but thankfully my eating was! But tonight as I wait on aunt Myras plane to come in and my weekend or next 2 weeks is changed around with house guests...I right this minute want to eat -eat chocolate ...that's my drug of choice of comfort of familiarity -
But instad I am writing this I will go make a phone call and then I will read some from the big book... catch up my bible reading from the Good book..and then I will take a shower . So many things that are so much better then eating.
But instad I am writing this I will go make a phone call and then I will read some from the big book... catch up my bible reading from the Good book..and then I will take a shower . So many things that are so much better then eating.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
mommas got some new toys
Went to Roberts got me a new lens and a battery grip well Scott got me the grip for my birthday and a couple other things...LOL
So tomorrow (hopefully) me and Jes are gonna hit downtown and she is gonna be my modle so i can get used to this new grip on the camera!
Our conversation went as such...
Jessica Shepherd love you mama
Kim Midkiff Shepherd hey
Kim Midkiff Shepherd was thinking about you
Jessica Shepherd oh yea
Kim Midkiff Shepherd i got a new camera grip i need practice soooo lets go downtown on a sat or Sun real soon for some urban kinda photo shooting
Jessica Shepherd ooh
Kim Midkiff Shepherd or if it is soon we could shoot maybe 6-7:30
Jessica Shepherd i actually have the entiure day off tomorrow
Jessica Shepherd no school no work
Kim Midkiff Shepherd yeah ohhh wow I am free after 12
Jessica Shepherd i was going to go to the ima
Jessica Shepherd but this is cool too : )
Kim Midkiff Shepherd uhhh yeahhh I was just at Roberts and the cool brick snd the loading docks
Kim Midkiff Shepherd ect
Kim Midkiff Shepherd go to canal
Jessica Shepherd yea!
Jessica Shepherd delaware st has some gorgeous old houses brickwork
Jessica Shepherd wrought iron gates...
Jessica Shepherd ive got places lady
Jessica Shepherd : )
Kim Midkiff Shepherd that would be GREAT! sooo pick out some clothes tonight for that urban look!\
Jessica Shepherd oh photos of me?
Kim Midkiff Shepherd i want hard look and soft look
Kim Midkiff Shepherd well DUHHHHHHHHHH
Jessica Shepherd i thought we were doing scenery
Jessica Shepherd haha!
Jessica Shepherd cool
Kim Midkiff Shepherd I am a people shooter
Kim Midkiff Shepherd LOL
Jessica Shepherd sweet
Jessica Shepherd im pumped
Kim Midkiff Shepherd kinda like a salad shooter only not so green!!!
Jessica Shepherd omg
Jessica Shepherd hahah
Kim Midkiff Shepherd hahaha
Jessica Shepherd alright i have to go to work
Kim Midkiff Shepherd thought you would like that
Jessica Shepherd call me when you are doine at bsf
Kim Midkiff Shepherd ok love love
Jessica Shepherd love you
Jes she makes me laugh!
So tomorrow (hopefully) me and Jes are gonna hit downtown and she is gonna be my modle so i can get used to this new grip on the camera!
Our conversation went as such...
Jessica Shepherd love you mama
Kim Midkiff Shepherd hey
Kim Midkiff Shepherd was thinking about you
Jessica Shepherd oh yea
Kim Midkiff Shepherd i got a new camera grip i need practice soooo lets go downtown on a sat or Sun real soon for some urban kinda photo shooting
Jessica Shepherd ooh
Kim Midkiff Shepherd or if it is soon we could shoot maybe 6-7:30
Jessica Shepherd i actually have the entiure day off tomorrow
Jessica Shepherd no school no work
Kim Midkiff Shepherd yeah ohhh wow I am free after 12
Jessica Shepherd i was going to go to the ima
Jessica Shepherd but this is cool too : )
Kim Midkiff Shepherd uhhh yeahhh I was just at Roberts and the cool brick snd the loading docks
Kim Midkiff Shepherd ect
Kim Midkiff Shepherd go to canal
Jessica Shepherd yea!
Jessica Shepherd delaware st has some gorgeous old houses brickwork
Jessica Shepherd wrought iron gates...
Jessica Shepherd ive got places lady
Jessica Shepherd : )
Kim Midkiff Shepherd that would be GREAT! sooo pick out some clothes tonight for that urban look!\
Jessica Shepherd oh photos of me?
Kim Midkiff Shepherd i want hard look and soft look
Kim Midkiff Shepherd well DUHHHHHHHHHH
Jessica Shepherd i thought we were doing scenery
Jessica Shepherd haha!
Jessica Shepherd cool
Kim Midkiff Shepherd I am a people shooter
Kim Midkiff Shepherd LOL
Jessica Shepherd sweet
Jessica Shepherd im pumped
Kim Midkiff Shepherd kinda like a salad shooter only not so green!!!
Jessica Shepherd omg
Jessica Shepherd hahah
Kim Midkiff Shepherd hahaha
Jessica Shepherd alright i have to go to work
Kim Midkiff Shepherd thought you would like that
Jessica Shepherd call me when you are doine at bsf
Kim Midkiff Shepherd ok love love
Jessica Shepherd love you
Jes she makes me laugh!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
hummm time
have you ever had diarreha of the mouth and yet be mentally constipated? yeahhh well isn't that a lovely picture? And how can spell check on here have the word constipated yet not the word diarreha?? so if it is mis-spelled now you know why...LOL
Been having time issues as in I got so much yet get so little done-
it must be something God wants me to work on or He would quit bringing it to my attention -
maybe I just need to surrender my time to Him and let Him manage it - me . yeah theres a thought -
this part of me is the Hinshaw part of me that I fight against that paralyzed part that freezes in time ,,, only God is gonna be abler to change me in this area and that HA is gonna take time.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
heres one for you
ok does this make sense? I am an addict I love sweets and chocolate I can become obbsessed with the thought of it yet today once again I am making cake and a big brownie for Senior night at lu hi...really? Seriously WHY do I put myself thru this torture?? Is it because I want them to like me? So I would rather have their approval over my own mental health??
gaaaaaa I don't know on the other hand it isn't for me I can not keep it cut it eat it so it and me are safe-- but I think it makes no sense really...no one would ask an alcholic to be the bar tender hey that alchie knows a good drink lets ask her...hey that fat lady makes great cakes and can sure turn out a yummmy brownie lets get her to cook...yeah not like I do ANYTHING they can't do for crying out loud I follow the freaking directions.
ok so I guess for now this may be something I don't do for a while - I am not sure its forever but maybe -- I mean what is most mportant here? cake or me?
gaaaaaa I don't know on the other hand it isn't for me I can not keep it cut it eat it so it and me are safe-- but I think it makes no sense really...no one would ask an alcholic to be the bar tender hey that alchie knows a good drink lets ask her...hey that fat lady makes great cakes and can sure turn out a yummmy brownie lets get her to cook...yeah not like I do ANYTHING they can't do for crying out loud I follow the freaking directions.
ok so I guess for now this may be something I don't do for a while - I am not sure its forever but maybe -- I mean what is most mportant here? cake or me?
Monday, October 04, 2010
crazy brain
oh my goodness...yesterday I had a real case of crazy brain ...
in any addiction I suppose there is crazy brain . Here in the food addiction it is when you are not hungry but all you can think of is going in and eating and it is sweets and your brain says just a taste thats all you want is a taste of something good and sweet and yummy but NO you know the truth -the truth is this crazy brain will eat and eat and eat nothing will satisfy it NOTHING --
lets see can I discribe crazy brain - yeah it is like you want to scratch your eyes out because all you really want is food and you will go to any lengths to get it it is not good enough to just throw food away because having an addiction means you are not beyond taking things out of the trash -it is eating beyond your capacity throwing up and eating more - it is eating to kill - your pain your emptiness your feelings .... crazy brain is when you no longer see CVS or Walgreens as places to get Rx's nope they are candy stores and crazy brain is when all you can think of is that last sweet thing you ate and wonder how you can get more- yeah it is a crazy obsession with food -drugs alcohol anything that you are addictced too
so thats when you use the tools of the program - make a phone call make 3 phone calls tell someone where you are at - they can understand and they can help you thru it - read some of the big book pray -- pray some more -read a daily reading read anything that has to do with recovery - write - journal your feelings try and find out whats eating you -
get out of the house but not to anyplace where food is available -because in the crazy brain mode you can not trust yourself.
I did NOT eat yesterday I did however make phone calls and prayed I called out to God and He answered me in the return phone call of a OA friend -she answered my text -
Crazy brain is real it is addiction it is compulsion it is ugly - it is feelings ...
BUT God has shown me I can survive my feelings and live another day -
surviving feelings isn't about someone making you mad or sad today mostly it is about stuff burried so deep you have no real clue whats wrong - you just get that feeling of anxiousness insecurity sadness anger fear--- and God - thru Jesus Christ is the only place to go to fix that kinda empty - no food nor drug nor drink nor wager can take care of these holes in our soul-
in any addiction I suppose there is crazy brain . Here in the food addiction it is when you are not hungry but all you can think of is going in and eating and it is sweets and your brain says just a taste thats all you want is a taste of something good and sweet and yummy but NO you know the truth -the truth is this crazy brain will eat and eat and eat nothing will satisfy it NOTHING --
lets see can I discribe crazy brain - yeah it is like you want to scratch your eyes out because all you really want is food and you will go to any lengths to get it it is not good enough to just throw food away because having an addiction means you are not beyond taking things out of the trash -it is eating beyond your capacity throwing up and eating more - it is eating to kill - your pain your emptiness your feelings .... crazy brain is when you no longer see CVS or Walgreens as places to get Rx's nope they are candy stores and crazy brain is when all you can think of is that last sweet thing you ate and wonder how you can get more- yeah it is a crazy obsession with food -drugs alcohol anything that you are addictced too
so thats when you use the tools of the program - make a phone call make 3 phone calls tell someone where you are at - they can understand and they can help you thru it - read some of the big book pray -- pray some more -read a daily reading read anything that has to do with recovery - write - journal your feelings try and find out whats eating you -
get out of the house but not to anyplace where food is available -because in the crazy brain mode you can not trust yourself.
I did NOT eat yesterday I did however make phone calls and prayed I called out to God and He answered me in the return phone call of a OA friend -she answered my text -
Crazy brain is real it is addiction it is compulsion it is ugly - it is feelings ...
BUT God has shown me I can survive my feelings and live another day -
surviving feelings isn't about someone making you mad or sad today mostly it is about stuff burried so deep you have no real clue whats wrong - you just get that feeling of anxiousness insecurity sadness anger fear--- and God - thru Jesus Christ is the only place to go to fix that kinda empty - no food nor drug nor drink nor wager can take care of these holes in our soul-
Thursday, September 23, 2010
looks like I made it thru!! LOL
ok really I am still taking inventory but it looks like I made it thru this kid getting married stuff yeah it was hectic and yeah it was happy sad joyful and tense but I made it thru!! yay me!~!
then I crashed went on a sugar binge and really gosh compared to my sugar habit before OA this was nothing but it was off program it was me leaning on food instead of God it was outta control eating...sighhhh
I still just don't quite have the whole process down as far as reading literature and calling people and stuff I need to commit my food plan...what does THAT mean really? That I write it down that I measure and weigh stuff that I put it under a Dr's care do I go to court sign papers? Is there a judge involved?...ok ok haha
yeah yeah ...I heard at the meeting this morning this is WORK and they are right it is and like all people I want it easy.. I am tired of the hard stuff- counseling was the hard stuff - healing the hurts was the hard stuff- taking life daily is the hard stuff ...can't it ever be easy? Crap buying a bandy bar isn't even easy anymore!! Which is a good thing I guess.
But for today I can survive my emotions. and that my friends is better then any candy bar in the world.
Friday, September 17, 2010
tears today
the last couple of nights my sleep has been crazed with all the things to do today tho however it is hard to keep the tears away my baby boy is getting married and well I am not ready for this i guess it seems so like he has been forced to grow up thanks to family junk things that happened and now he is getting married I know he loves her I know she loves him it just seems so young.
I dont wanna lose my boy - I know that with him being a twin I was never ever first in his life but as his mom i was at least 2nd now moving on down the list and i know thats how it should be but it makes me sad non-the less..
ok gotta go get the 2nd cake in and get my butt in gear breathing and taking it one houre at a time!~
I dont wanna lose my boy - I know that with him being a twin I was never ever first in his life but as his mom i was at least 2nd now moving on down the list and i know thats how it should be but it makes me sad non-the less..
ok gotta go get the 2nd cake in and get my butt in gear breathing and taking it one houre at a time!~
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