reality bites,,,

well heres a slice of reality pie-- It is coming up on the holidays and I can not eat . well ok thats a lie I can not eat good food... no thats a lie too --ummm ok how bout this I can not eat all those wonderful sugery gooey yummy Christmas delights...yeah - and how do I feel about that? A little angry a little sad why can't I be like other people and eat what I want? whahaaaa I want to throw a big old fit and get doen on my knees and pray that God will fix this for me so I can ....yeahhh so I can eat sugar ?? no really? oh man how bout I get down on my knees and THANK HIM that I can eat? that I have food in my pantry and money in my wallet and health that allows me to eat. yeah ok getting my perspective back ...eyes off self and back on HIM where they belong--- thank you God that I can eat.

31 days

ok hey wow 31 days of food sobriety how cool is that??
But before I get all excited I know I better proceed with caution or I might fall off . I have not been writing down my food nor taking my blood sugar and that is dangerous - it is not taking care of myself. That is stupid.
And of course gonna be dealing with the holidays and all the issues with my mom about Rick not being here. Ah well once again God has shown me He has my back and That He is my justice. Found out that Rick met with our step brother Dave and told him his story-- interestingly enough he left 2 big parts out of it, Wow - It helps me to know in this holiday time of families and gatherings that Rick has NOT changed and the reasons we no longer allow him to be around us are still valid.

I will take these 30 days and with Gods help I will hit 30 more.

something happend on the way to this blog spot....

ha it has been a long time since I have written life has gotten crazy - Aunt Myra and Uncle Louie have been staying with us and they sleep in the computer room so thats part of it... and well just been busy out of my routines!!

today tho my crazy brain is back I am all unsettled and restless and want to numb out this feeling with food chocolate sugar sweets I can see that it is the transitions Myra and Louie leaving for 10 days and volleyball over for Jen my mom gonna have to have another angiogram and that means me staying all night in her hoarding apt mess...yeahhh and then theres my crazy brain!!

I know God is here in all this mess called my life I know He is soverign over all that happens in this life of mine this life in fact which belongs to Him - I surrendered it to Him so what the heck am I worring about here? Why this crazy brain thing? thats just me trying to control thngs and that is just plain stupid -
So prying my fingers off my life and putting my hands in HIS and following HIS lead.
Thank you Lord Jesus the King of my life and the defender of me - protect me from Crazy brained thinking amen

a tough week

its been a tough week this week been in the disease this brain of mine -- ugggh My thinking wasn't straight but thankfully my eating was! But tonight as I wait on aunt Myras plane to come in and my weekend or next 2 weeks is changed around with house guests...I right this minute want to eat -eat chocolate ...that's my drug of choice of comfort of familiarity -
But instad I am writing this I will go make a phone call and then I will read some from the big book... catch up my bible reading from the Good book..and then I will take a shower . So many things that are so much better then eating.

jes

jes

mommas got some new toys

Went to Roberts got me a new lens and a battery grip well Scott got me the grip for my birthday and a couple other things...LOL

So tomorrow (hopefully) me and Jes are gonna hit downtown and she is gonna be my modle so i can get used to this new grip on the camera!

Our conversation went as such...
Jessica Shepherd love you mama
Kim Midkiff Shepherd hey
Kim Midkiff Shepherd was thinking about you
Jessica Shepherd oh yea
Kim Midkiff Shepherd i got a new camera grip i need practice soooo lets go downtown on a sat or Sun real soon for some urban kinda photo shooting
Jessica Shepherd ooh
Kim Midkiff Shepherd or if it is soon we could shoot maybe 6-7:30
Jessica Shepherd i actually have the entiure day off tomorrow
Jessica Shepherd no school no work
Kim Midkiff Shepherd yeah ohhh wow I am free after 12
Jessica Shepherd i was going to go to the ima
Jessica Shepherd but this is cool too : )
Kim Midkiff Shepherd uhhh yeahhh I was just at Roberts and the cool brick snd the loading docks
Kim Midkiff Shepherd ect
Kim Midkiff Shepherd go to canal
Jessica Shepherd yea!
Jessica Shepherd delaware st has some gorgeous old houses brickwork
Jessica Shepherd wrought iron gates...
Jessica Shepherd ive got places lady
Jessica Shepherd : )
Kim Midkiff Shepherd that would be GREAT! sooo pick out some clothes tonight for that urban look!\
Jessica Shepherd oh photos of me?
Kim Midkiff Shepherd i want hard look and soft look
Kim Midkiff Shepherd well DUHHHHHHHHHH
Jessica Shepherd i thought we were doing scenery
Jessica Shepherd haha!
Jessica Shepherd cool
Kim Midkiff Shepherd I am a people shooter
Kim Midkiff Shepherd LOL

Jessica Shepherd sweet
Jessica Shepherd im pumped
Kim Midkiff Shepherd kinda like a salad shooter only not so green!!!
Jessica Shepherd omg
Jessica Shepherd hahah
Kim Midkiff Shepherd hahaha
Jessica Shepherd alright i have to go to work
Kim Midkiff Shepherd thought you would like that
Jessica Shepherd call me when you are doine at bsf
Kim Midkiff Shepherd ok love love
Jessica Shepherd love you


Jes she makes me laugh!

hummm time

have you ever had diarreha of the mouth and yet be mentally constipated? yeahhh well isn't that a lovely picture? And how can spell check on here have the word constipated yet not the word diarreha?? so if it is mis-spelled now you know why...LOL

Been having time issues as in I got so much yet get so little done-
it must be something God wants me to work on or He would quit bringing it to my attention -
maybe I just need to surrender my time to Him and let Him manage it - me . yeah theres a thought -

this part of me is the Hinshaw part of me that I fight against that paralyzed part that freezes in time ,,, only God is gonna be abler to change me in this area and that HA is gonna take time.

heres one for you

ok does this make sense? I am an addict I love sweets and chocolate I can become obbsessed with the thought of it yet today once again I am making cake and a big brownie for Senior night at lu hi...really? Seriously WHY do I put myself thru this torture?? Is it because I want them to like me? So I would rather have their approval over my own mental health??

gaaaaaa I don't know on the other hand it isn't for me I can not keep it cut it eat it so it and me are safe-- but I think it makes no sense really...no one would ask an alcholic to be the bar tender hey that alchie knows a good drink lets ask her...hey that fat lady makes great cakes and can sure turn out a yummmy brownie lets get her to cook...yeah not like I do ANYTHING they can't do for crying out loud I follow the freaking directions.

ok so I guess for now this may be something I don't do for a while - I am not sure its forever but maybe -- I mean what is most mportant here? cake or me?

crazy brain

oh my goodness...yesterday I had a real case of crazy brain ...
in any addiction I suppose there is crazy brain . Here in the food addiction it is when you are not hungry but all you can think of is going in and eating and it is sweets and your brain says just a taste thats all you want is a taste of something good and sweet and yummy but NO you know the truth -the truth is this crazy brain will eat and eat and eat nothing will satisfy it NOTHING --

lets see can I discribe crazy brain - yeah it is like you want to scratch your eyes out because all you really want is food and you will go to any lengths to get it it is not good enough to just throw food away because having an addiction means you are not beyond taking things out of the trash -it is eating beyond your capacity throwing up and eating more - it is eating to kill - your pain your emptiness your feelings .... crazy brain is when you no longer see CVS or Walgreens as places to get Rx's nope they are candy stores and crazy brain is when all you can think of is that last sweet thing you ate and wonder how you can get more- yeah it is a crazy obsession with food -drugs alcohol anything that you are addictced too

so thats when you use the tools of the program - make a phone call make 3 phone calls tell someone where you are at - they can understand and they can help you thru it - read some of the big book pray -- pray some more -read a daily reading read anything that has to do with recovery - write - journal your feelings try and find out whats eating you -
get out of the house but not to anyplace where food is available -because in the crazy brain mode you can not trust yourself.

I did NOT eat yesterday I did however make phone calls and prayed I called out to God and He answered me in the return phone call of a OA friend -she answered my text -

Crazy brain is real it is addiction it is compulsion it is ugly - it is feelings ...
BUT God has shown me I can survive my feelings and live another day -

surviving feelings isn't about someone making you mad or sad today mostly it is about stuff burried so deep you have no real clue whats wrong - you just get that feeling of anxiousness insecurity sadness anger fear--- and God - thru Jesus Christ is the only place to go to fix that kinda empty - no food nor drug nor drink nor wager can take care of these holes in our soul-

looks like I made it thru!! LOL

ok really I am still taking inventory but it looks like I made it thru this kid getting married stuff yeah it was hectic and yeah it was happy sad joyful and tense but I made it thru!! yay me!~!

then I crashed went on a sugar binge and really gosh compared to my sugar habit before OA this was nothing but it was off program it was me leaning on food instead of God it was outta control eating...sighhhh

I still just don't quite have the whole process down as far as reading literature and calling people and stuff I need to commit my food plan...what does THAT mean really? That I write it down that I measure and weigh stuff that I put it under a Dr's care do I go to court sign papers? Is there a judge involved?...ok ok haha
yeah yeah ...I heard at the meeting this morning this is WORK and they are right it is and like all people I want it easy.. I am tired of the hard stuff- counseling was the hard stuff - healing the hurts was the hard stuff- taking life daily is the hard stuff ...can't it ever be easy? Crap buying a bandy bar isn't even easy anymore!! Which is a good thing I guess.

But for today I can survive my emotions. and that my friends is better then any candy bar in the world.

tears today

the last couple of nights my sleep has been crazed with all the things to do today tho however it is hard to keep the tears away my baby boy is getting married and well I am not ready for this i guess it seems so like he has been forced to grow up thanks to family junk things that happened and now he is getting married I know he loves her I know she loves him it just seems so young.

I dont wanna lose my boy - I know that with him being a twin I was never ever first in his life but as his mom i was at least 2nd now moving on down the list and i know thats how it should be but it makes me sad non-the less..

ok gotta go get the 2nd cake in and get my butt in gear breathing and taking it one houre at a time!~

stress

oh my goodness...been hit with the stress bat.LOL right across my shoulders! it is just aweful!! I need a massage -- hopefully Monday when this is all over--
today I am cooking tomorrow cleaning Friday buying food -
Sat going crazy Sunday ...well yeah Sunday taking it EASY!

Today i have cardiac appointment to do an echo and a stress test
ha coulda just hooked a monitor up to me and let it record all week -

Tomorrow the food mobility test to see how the food is moving...if the food is moving... yeah gonna be a long fun day

lets see on a positive note Geeks in Pink got my hard drive opened and the stuff transferred to the new external hard drive yay!

wow

I can get comfort knowing I can survive my feelings

this was what God gave me as a word as a certainty at yesterdays meeting sounds simple right?
not so much in Kim world - the subject was comfort and how do you find comfort in recovery?
My friendly counselor Dave told me over and over when dealing with emotions feelings trauma life keep in mind Faith Facts then Feelings ...yeah yeah what did he know?? LOL
I always got so overwhelmed by my feelings and that started when I was so small that it was habit to operate out of feelings not fact nor faith and while Dave explained it was a great survival technique as a child it doesn't work so well in the adult world - unless you like the high drama that comes from that.

So today now in the present to KNOW I can survive my feelings is trmendous I don't have to split or hide - I don't have to eat them I can feel them and I will survive- I can survive tension anxiety sadness happiness change I can survive it - and I can do this only with Christ Jesus - my higher power as they say in 12 step groups.

I am doing well in the not over eating thing the compulsive eating thing - I am not running to food ok well maybe I am but I am not eating it!! LOL old habits die hard!

in the next week my son is getting married - Do I think he is old enough? no - but they never asked my opinion - next week I am having a stress test done at the cardiac doc - along with normal yearly echo and dr visit and having a food mobility study done to see how the radioactive oatmeal moves thru my system.,.. it is a lot of stuff in a busy week - but I got Jesus He will see me thru it and He is so much better then chocolate!

9 years ago today

9 years ago today a good friend and teacher at our school went to meet Jesus her Lord and Savior- it is such a blessing to know that someone is saved when they die and since that Ford F150 came outta nowhere and slammed into her car and she was killed it was a comfort to know her very last conversation was with a man whom was homebound and they discussed how you never know when it is your time and you had better be ready. Kristi was a special person a teacher a mom a wife she was a good friend to many and we were not ready to lose her that day.
9 years ... drinking driving .... wow don't do it - people who drink and drive and get caught only think of the devastation to their own lives of court and license suspensions but seriously what of those who have been killed by drunks? Aaron Rodrigus yeah illegal and drunk no insurance no license spent 3 years in jail our hope and Kristi's too I am sure is that he comes to know Jesus before he dies. she at least was ready.
thinking about those days after the accident Sept. 11th it was so hard we were so greif stricken about Krisit it was hard to take in the horror of 9/11 we would see people jumping from the burning buildings and yet our hearts were numb and empty of tears because of the loss of our friend. Our kids at Emmaus would see Krisiti's empty classroom and cry not understanding not wanting to accept yet on deeper level totally knowing she was with Jesus.
I know of one man who came to Christ thru Krisit's death thru watching his own childrens grief yet knowing her heaven status...
God is in the happy times And God is in the sad times....
Remebering Krisits today

IMA...walk.

went to an early meeting today it is one I love to go to but it is at 54th street so kinda far but a perk to that is I am right by the Art Museum..so today I went prepared with water and my ipod and went for my 30 min walk...yay!! It was so pretty!
Maybe it will be cooler to do it next week too!! Coz really it is still kinda hot out there for me!

we are going to the trailer this weekend I am SO looking forward to that the down side of it is I haven't got a new book to read! and the food thing I don't want to be tied to cooking but to eat healthy i guess i will be cooking!

ahh well going to any lengths for recovery!

Ha proud of myself

well there I can do this ...today I ran errands came home was feeling tired and anxious and just in transition and of course my first thought was comfort myself with food but the 2nd thought was NO I am not hungry so I said a few prayers and just calmed myself down ...got in touch with Jesus and felt calmer and didn't eat yay me!

Life is just a walk in the park

yesterday was a tough anxiety filled morning for an emotionally charged afternoon - For some odd reason I build up in my head these scenarios when dealing with my family that builds this horrible anxious feeling so that I almost can not breathe...I mean really Kim what is the worst thing that can happen? Nothing he is powerless over me nothing he can say about me nothing he can do to me - I am a grown up now I am an adult. He can not hurt me.
But that thought only gels later in the process...first I have to get thru the anxiety part!!
So yesterday at about 12 noon I was to the not breathing part when SNAP- it hits me -fear is NOT of the LORD -renounce this fear stuff and hold Jesus hand HE will get me thru this unscathed really seriously I KNOW this but yet when stuff like this comes knocking at my heart I revert back to that 7 year old who fears the night left alone with him.
I am so thankful to my husband who helped me deal with this yesterday we discussed our plan and Scott -who took the matter into his own hands and talked to Rick to let him know things are still as they were one family function does not make it all go away- we are still ready and willing to sit down with him and his wife to discuss what happened - not what happened years ago but in 2008 and 2009 - and until that discussion day happens I am left with praying for him and his family -
that's really all I got for him....

Things going on.........

So much stuff going on I feel like I needa lesson in how to run a family in 25 years...LOL
Because SURLY at the age of 25 ( which none of my children are yet) they will be self sufficient self supporting and wise ...yeahhhh well a mom can dream can't she??

kids that have gotten themselves in high debt Jes and her broken engagement and most importantly her broken heart.
Jenni and her hurting foot and Josh well who knows with Josh we don't see him often apparently we lost custody of him...no one told us!

my brother posting crap in the form of an apology? hummm not really sure and on facebook ...sighhh really??? Seriously Will he ever own up to and answer the real questions? probably not and for that i am sad.

lets see what else ...well thats probably enough Jeremy and Morgan have a wedding coming up quickly 1 month away and they have a big decision to make ... take whats behind door #1 or door #2?
sighhhh as the world turns,,,,

this bites..

well I can not eat...ha wasn't it just a few months ago I was wanting to stop eating?? yeah well whatever is going on with my stomach is still going on... seems like I can't eat solid food...it irritates my stomach so what the heck!

I drank liquids yesterday and Friday after calling the doctor and getting a different medicine and then this morning ate life cereal figured that was soft food ohh man could feel the yuck coming back up my throat and the pain in my gut so for lunch back to glucerna ... and now I am getting ready to go cook big dinner for the boys birthday ...yeah my favorites..meatloaf mashed potatoes green beans cake biscuits ....and hence the title this bites! I don't get to .....