grief and loss...

I have an eating disorder I am a compulsive over eater - I am a compulsive person.. it reflects in a lot of areas in my life hummm just look at my CD's my books shoot my free Kindle books it would take me a year to read all the books i have downloaded for free... Compulsive with a capitol C -

over the years I have been compulsive over my family trying to be the puppeteer keeping them my family members all in line hanging onto them for dear life and maybe even trying to be God... Yeah compulsive collecting and keeping family close it was my job i did it fairly well...because I was living in my own altered reality.

I've been in a year long weight pattern and I am finally willing to look at this 260 pounds and ask myself why am I using this fat for protection... protection from WHAT? The Lord is showing me today (ok He has been chipping at me for the last 3 months or so...) that it is my protection from grief~ from loss...the grief and loss I feel from losing my brother 3 years ago , you know I had the Alters for protection ~replacing God, the Alters did that protected my heart - then integration happened and I "thought" I was leaning on God but no I wasn't food had become my front line of defense it had always been there my 2nd line of protection...ok not like i am throwing cheeseburgers and cake at the bad guys but more like throwing cheeseburgers and cake at the bad feelings. Where was God ..oh He was there in the happy,,,but the food was saving me from the bad feelings the sad feelings the realization that I may have lost him- Rick for good,And that just may be Gods plan for me- of protection for me. For me to go around the Lord in this is dangerous for me.I gotta stop trying to out think God.

How do I grieve the loss/ death of the man who only lives 5 minutes away who has been part of my life since birth and actually is 2 people? He is the man/boy he is who is messed up in his own sexual sin and he is the man/ boy whom I created to be my wonderful big brother. So today I have to accept I have lost him the man/boy he is- I have lost the man / boy I always wanted to pretend he was . when he is still living not dead... just 5 minutes away.

I am like an only child in retrospect because my childhood was lost in altered lives... there was the truth and the pain they held and there was the truth of life. I lived thru and accepted the healing and the pain they endured for me but I do not think I have accepted the truth of what my life was. Sure there were some happy times some fun times but even those days were shadowed by the trauma held by the alters. And there was the pretended joy and friendship with someone who didn't really exist-- he was someone I made up because to see him as he was - was way to hard to take, My altered reality birthed a new person the one I wanted him to be. and at the end of the day - of 40 years he proved to be just who he always was someone lost in his own sexual sin.

I had fully accepted my parents were not who I wanted them to be - but I always wanted to pretend that we~ me and him were allies in that foreign camp of divorce and remarriage.That no matter what we had each other and we were the same. sadly we were not.

Christmas, Easter, my kids party's and weddings I am so sad because he Rick is not here~ but the one I want to be here doesn't exist. I want the fantasy big brother not the flesh and blood one. That's where the sadness lies - The Rick I want doesn't exist. Therefore I have no peace.


So today I am grieving the loss of the brother I always wanted him to be - and have to accept the reality of the brother he is and accept that I can not change him I can not make him repent I can not save him and in accepting this I can save me. I can accept God's healing grace His healing touch His amazing love for Me. My fear of Rick has not been of further abuse really I am an adult I have a husband who loves and protects me and even in this time of family strife which grieves me there has been no peace for me because I could not see my truth, My fear lies in the reality of he- Rick is not who I wanted /needed to be we were never allies we were always enemies he mentioned that once and I blew it off.. no I needed him to be who I needed /wanted him to be . So today I have to bury him grieve for him the man/boy brother who never was. And face the reality of him the man boy brother named Rick,

To truly give him up means I have to truly face the reality of my life. My life as I perceived it . My life as I received it. I have to accept it the good the bad the ugly and move on .I do not have to eat the fear of this reality. it just is. and God is in all of it , His Saving Grace is there for Rick if he chooses it I can't make it happen . And to my childhood fantasy of a brother who was kind and good and funny and safe I say good bye so long farewell. Sometimes Rick was some of those things but mostly he was not.I have to face he is still that abuser from my childhood 42 years ago he has not changed and to face As his own words stated it is not like we were ever best of friends. His words from 2 years ago shocked me because my fantasy brother was my best friend my allie. I have to face he is still that abuser from my childhood my childhood which stopped at 8 and my adulthood which is beginning at 52. I give Thanks to God for making me whole for seeing me thru For being my Savior when I thought I had to do it myself ...for Loving me when no one else did or could.

Dear Lord I ask your forgiveness and your protection. Lord I would pray for Rick that he will seek you and know you and be saved. And Lord I thank you for your revelations to me in this matter and pray that all things in this will be revealed. to me and to my family. Lord that I need not do this but it should come from you . in your holy name I pray-Amen.