a tough week

its been a tough week this week been in the disease this brain of mine -- ugggh My thinking wasn't straight but thankfully my eating was! But tonight as I wait on aunt Myras plane to come in and my weekend or next 2 weeks is changed around with house guests...I right this minute want to eat -eat chocolate ...that's my drug of choice of comfort of familiarity -
But instad I am writing this I will go make a phone call and then I will read some from the big book... catch up my bible reading from the Good book..and then I will take a shower . So many things that are so much better then eating.

jes

jes

mommas got some new toys

Went to Roberts got me a new lens and a battery grip well Scott got me the grip for my birthday and a couple other things...LOL

So tomorrow (hopefully) me and Jes are gonna hit downtown and she is gonna be my modle so i can get used to this new grip on the camera!

Our conversation went as such...
Jessica Shepherd love you mama
Kim Midkiff Shepherd hey
Kim Midkiff Shepherd was thinking about you
Jessica Shepherd oh yea
Kim Midkiff Shepherd i got a new camera grip i need practice soooo lets go downtown on a sat or Sun real soon for some urban kinda photo shooting
Jessica Shepherd ooh
Kim Midkiff Shepherd or if it is soon we could shoot maybe 6-7:30
Jessica Shepherd i actually have the entiure day off tomorrow
Jessica Shepherd no school no work
Kim Midkiff Shepherd yeah ohhh wow I am free after 12
Jessica Shepherd i was going to go to the ima
Jessica Shepherd but this is cool too : )
Kim Midkiff Shepherd uhhh yeahhh I was just at Roberts and the cool brick snd the loading docks
Kim Midkiff Shepherd ect
Kim Midkiff Shepherd go to canal
Jessica Shepherd yea!
Jessica Shepherd delaware st has some gorgeous old houses brickwork
Jessica Shepherd wrought iron gates...
Jessica Shepherd ive got places lady
Jessica Shepherd : )
Kim Midkiff Shepherd that would be GREAT! sooo pick out some clothes tonight for that urban look!\
Jessica Shepherd oh photos of me?
Kim Midkiff Shepherd i want hard look and soft look
Kim Midkiff Shepherd well DUHHHHHHHHHH
Jessica Shepherd i thought we were doing scenery
Jessica Shepherd haha!
Jessica Shepherd cool
Kim Midkiff Shepherd I am a people shooter
Kim Midkiff Shepherd LOL

Jessica Shepherd sweet
Jessica Shepherd im pumped
Kim Midkiff Shepherd kinda like a salad shooter only not so green!!!
Jessica Shepherd omg
Jessica Shepherd hahah
Kim Midkiff Shepherd hahaha
Jessica Shepherd alright i have to go to work
Kim Midkiff Shepherd thought you would like that
Jessica Shepherd call me when you are doine at bsf
Kim Midkiff Shepherd ok love love
Jessica Shepherd love you


Jes she makes me laugh!

hummm time

have you ever had diarreha of the mouth and yet be mentally constipated? yeahhh well isn't that a lovely picture? And how can spell check on here have the word constipated yet not the word diarreha?? so if it is mis-spelled now you know why...LOL

Been having time issues as in I got so much yet get so little done-
it must be something God wants me to work on or He would quit bringing it to my attention -
maybe I just need to surrender my time to Him and let Him manage it - me . yeah theres a thought -

this part of me is the Hinshaw part of me that I fight against that paralyzed part that freezes in time ,,, only God is gonna be abler to change me in this area and that HA is gonna take time.

heres one for you

ok does this make sense? I am an addict I love sweets and chocolate I can become obbsessed with the thought of it yet today once again I am making cake and a big brownie for Senior night at lu hi...really? Seriously WHY do I put myself thru this torture?? Is it because I want them to like me? So I would rather have their approval over my own mental health??

gaaaaaa I don't know on the other hand it isn't for me I can not keep it cut it eat it so it and me are safe-- but I think it makes no sense really...no one would ask an alcholic to be the bar tender hey that alchie knows a good drink lets ask her...hey that fat lady makes great cakes and can sure turn out a yummmy brownie lets get her to cook...yeah not like I do ANYTHING they can't do for crying out loud I follow the freaking directions.

ok so I guess for now this may be something I don't do for a while - I am not sure its forever but maybe -- I mean what is most mportant here? cake or me?

crazy brain

oh my goodness...yesterday I had a real case of crazy brain ...
in any addiction I suppose there is crazy brain . Here in the food addiction it is when you are not hungry but all you can think of is going in and eating and it is sweets and your brain says just a taste thats all you want is a taste of something good and sweet and yummy but NO you know the truth -the truth is this crazy brain will eat and eat and eat nothing will satisfy it NOTHING --

lets see can I discribe crazy brain - yeah it is like you want to scratch your eyes out because all you really want is food and you will go to any lengths to get it it is not good enough to just throw food away because having an addiction means you are not beyond taking things out of the trash -it is eating beyond your capacity throwing up and eating more - it is eating to kill - your pain your emptiness your feelings .... crazy brain is when you no longer see CVS or Walgreens as places to get Rx's nope they are candy stores and crazy brain is when all you can think of is that last sweet thing you ate and wonder how you can get more- yeah it is a crazy obsession with food -drugs alcohol anything that you are addictced too

so thats when you use the tools of the program - make a phone call make 3 phone calls tell someone where you are at - they can understand and they can help you thru it - read some of the big book pray -- pray some more -read a daily reading read anything that has to do with recovery - write - journal your feelings try and find out whats eating you -
get out of the house but not to anyplace where food is available -because in the crazy brain mode you can not trust yourself.

I did NOT eat yesterday I did however make phone calls and prayed I called out to God and He answered me in the return phone call of a OA friend -she answered my text -

Crazy brain is real it is addiction it is compulsion it is ugly - it is feelings ...
BUT God has shown me I can survive my feelings and live another day -

surviving feelings isn't about someone making you mad or sad today mostly it is about stuff burried so deep you have no real clue whats wrong - you just get that feeling of anxiousness insecurity sadness anger fear--- and God - thru Jesus Christ is the only place to go to fix that kinda empty - no food nor drug nor drink nor wager can take care of these holes in our soul-